Rough Draft- First Attempt

[CMK89]

I accidentally posted this in the wrong board.

Thread 'Rough Draft- First Attempt' https://forum.literotica.com/threads/rough-draft-first-attempt.1572301/

 

[Parhelical]

You're confusing past and present tense frequently, it's better to just write in the past.

A vivid memory suddenly flashed before Zacks vision.

Can memories flash before vision? If something is flashing do we not know it's sudden? Effectively all you're saying is: "Zack remembered."

The crack along the valley wall was only wide enough for a young child to wedge into.

This is a memory, so why would he think of himself as a young child?

Jagged brown sand rock edges, with dark green vines attempting to hide the small opening.

Too many adverbs, if something is jagged we know that it has an edge and we know the colour of vines. Vines cannot attempt to hide something because vines have no agency.

Illuminating like a fairytale treasure chest.

Feels weak, do treasure chests glow in fairytales? And, assuming they do, is that a strong simile?

The bookends with present day Zack are awkward and confusing.

Conceptually this feels very Zack focused and internal to him so I would just write it in first person:

"When I was twelve my father took me up into the mountains. There he handed me my duty."