romancing a guy

[HeadMistress]

In the interest of the approaching holiday, Valentines day, I have a question for the guys:
What can a woman do to ramonce a guy. I'm not talking about sex here, neccisarily. What I wanna know is what can a woman do to make you go all mushy inside. What makes you emotional toward your SO in a good way? I know all the steriotypical things that are suposed to work on women (flowers, candlelight, etc...) those can be a good start, for women. But I'm really going for something deeper here. I'm talking about a moment in time (or hours) when you are completely and totally connected. I mean
soulfully connected.
I have experienced this feeling only a handful of times with my husband and we have been together for a looooong time. We have a great marriage and wonderful sex life. But these times were so memorable, so wonderful that I want to know how to capture the feeling again and agian. Am I grasping for something that doesn't exist? Should I just sit back and hope it happens on its own?
This seems kind of a silly question now that I see it written, but what the heck! I might get an answer.
BTW this is my first post, although I've been lurking here for some time. I love all the stories and I am addicted to message boards. This one is just awsome! I have learned alot lurking here, and now I'm looking forward to meeting some new friends...

 

[Hamletmaschine]

Do you know that those moments are as memorable to him as they are to you? Are you trying to create something for him or for yourself?

If they were memorable occasions to you, perhaps you could go back and reconstruct what happened in the moments leading up to them. Maybe there is something they have in common.

As for me, the things that make me go all squishy inside tend to be random things--a look in her eye, a tone in her voice, a simple gesture or touch. I usually don't like it when someone is trying too hard to make the 'special moment' happen.

 

[milman]

My wife and I went through this a while back and on her end, she made some minor changes that really helped our relationship. ( I did too, but we're talking about what she did).

To summerize: More Physical Closeness. I'm not talking about sex or sexual touching, (although sure nice when it leads to that ), I'm talking about being physically in the same space during non-sexual times and places like new lovers often do. Small frequent non-sexual touches, things like that.

Ever notice a young couple driving somewhere and the females in the middle just so she can be nearer him? Know how that makes him feel? Desirable and happy, thats how.

For my wife and I, she'll sit right close next to me on the couch, instead of at the other end where its probally more comfy, or in bed when we're just going to sleep, she'll snuggle up against me, at least at first. At restaurants when the kids aren't around, she'll now sit right next to me instead of across from me. At the movies, she'll work her hand into mine and just hold hands, same thing while we're out walking.

Guys are simple animals. We equate closeness and touching with love and desirablilty, and want to touch people we like as a sign that we love them. Its confusing to us on a subconsious level when this is'nt percieved to be mutual. Make it mutual. I guarentee his spirits and general happiness level will be improved, and he'll be thinking about you LOTS more.

 

[Lonely Knight]

Spontaneity!

For example:

With some exceptions, over time relationships tend to become mundane and ever too predictably routine. I am a workaholic, always have been and likely always will be. I very frequently work at home in the evening. My "office" is at the opposite end of the house from the bedroom. Sitting at the computer my back is to the door.

One evening a few years while totally wrapped up in some work I suddenly felt her warm hands begin to massage my shoulders and my neck. She had very quietly slipped into the room. As I attempted to turn my head back to her she held it in her hands and told me to just keep working. I was a little tense from a rather aggrevating day so said okay. After a bit she moved to the side of my chair. What a surprise I received!

She was wearing a sheer babydoll nightie. It was one that I recalled mentioning that it looked absolutely great on her some time ago. I started to reach out to her and she grabbed my hands and pushed them back. She told me to just move my chair back. As I did, she kneeled and got under my desk, then put her hands on my knees and pulled me back to where I had started. Having done that she told me to go back to work.... I don't think so... but attempted.


You can fill in the rest as your imagination leads you. Suffice it to say that damn little additional work got done that night. So what do we have here? We have spontaneity. We have the unexpected. We have giving, with no initial desire for anything in return. We have memory recall of something that had really made an impression on me in the past resurrected. Blended together the end result was total abandon of all else by me and total enrapture in her. Hell, the world could have come to an end that night. If I recall correctly I may have thought it had once or twice. It would not have bothered me if it had.

 

[YellowStraw80]

Listen to these other posters, I agree with them.

Maybe try something new in the bedroom

 

[Bluewolfcry]

When all else fails, just ask him!

IF you want make it a game....Have each of you write down 5 questions that oyu have alwasy wanted to know about each other and then switch papers.

You may be surprised at how forth coming he will be by beign asked striaght out what makes him feel all warm and squishy!

I agree that trying to hard does make the moment less than perfect, so instead of Valentine's surprise, try for an everyday accomplishment!

 

[damnewc]

approval. nothing makes me feel more loved than my wifes affirmation.

 

[James Bond 007]

approval. nothing makes me feel more loved than my wifes affirmation.

Exactly.

007

 

[Gamelover221]

Is there anything that he likes to do that you really dislike or have no interest whatsoever in? If you take an interest or do that thing with your guy and he knows for a fact that you get no pleasure from it other than making him happy, that's something really special and it shows.

 

[babydoll2u]

HeadMistress... welcome to Lit and to the boards.
thanks for starting this thread... these answers are very enlightening

 

[Quoll]

Snip...
But these times were so memorable, so wonderful that I want to know how to capture the feeling again and agian.

Welcome to Lit, or, welcome to being unlurked.

As all those up above have said.
And
Write down your memorable times, how he made you feel.
We all like to be appreciated. Make it into something special, a book or card, something he can keep and read over and over.
Let him know how special those times are, how much they mean to you.
Good Luck.

 

[HeadMistress]

Thanks for all the responses guys! Honestly though, all of the suggestions are things I/we do. Maybe a little more background would help. We have been married 22 years. I was 16 and he was 18 when we got married with a baby on the way. It was tough, but we were lucky in the fact that we genuinely loved eachother. So, we made it through those first difficult years, and our love has steadily grown. We have 2 daughters and they are grown now, one married and one in college. Right now we are enjoying a freedom around the house that is new to us...LOL The problem is, we don't get to spend alot of time enjoying that because of our work schedules. He is usually sleeping when I leave for work, and it is a very rare occasion that I'm awake when he gets home at night. We have an active social life, so weekends are spent with friends doing various activities. I guess what I'm trying to do here is make what time we have alone together more "quality" time. We have done the weekend get-away thing several times, and we really enjoy ourselves, but it always seems a little contrived. I would just like to be able to connect with him on a little bit deeper level when we have time together.

 

[Quoll]

Hi Headmistress,
Your post sounds very familiar to me, together since you were young, shitty work hours, saying hello and goodbye in the same sentence, apart from the kids, (we were late starters) our lives sound a lot the same.
To be honest, I think you need time to sit and talk, nothing more, how to do this without it being contrived, good question.
Perhaps it has to be contrived, make time, take the day off work if need be, which is more important, your work or your relationship.
Having been married as long as you have, you probably know all the cliches about how to strengthen a relationship. My only suggestion is go back to basics, find somewhere that you both enjoy, give yourselves all the time you can, and talk. Maybe set a few ground rules.
No work talk, or talk about other peoples problems.
Then go back and relive your lives, right from when you first met.
There must be so many good memories there, so many things shared, both good and bad.
Things that one or the other of you have forgotten may be remembered, old feelings will come back.

Well that`s my thinking on it, I know I feel more in love with my wife when remembering everything we have gone through rather than some impressive gift.
Hope there is something here for you.

 

[damnewc]

Well, I know you said not sexual.... but for me sex is romance.. sorry..... perhaps some type of sexual adventure.......

 

[Looking4Fun46]

Talk. That is something my wife and have never really had. Just sit out on the deck with a drink and talk or sit by the fire and talk. Not much could be better or make me feel closer than having a good conversation where 2 hours goes by and you do not even realize it. My wife seems to have only 2 subjects she is interested in, one is rehashing the same problems at work and whatever diet she is on and those subjects get old real fast. I just do not know how to get any other conversations started so if you can just get a good conversation going with your hubby, I think that would be great.

 

[jeforest]

Flowers. I have always wanted flowers delivered to my door (or work) for me from 'her.' I've never told 'her' because I think the "well you should know" line we guys get should go the same for her.

Yep, flowers.

 

[babydoll2u]

Flowers. I have always wanted flowers delivered to my door (or work) for me from 'her.' I've never told 'her' because I think the "well you should know" line we guys get should go the same for her.

Yep, flowers.

what's your address?

kidding!

 

[jeforest]

Close to Ohio.

 

[babydoll2u]

Close to Ohio.

not close enough

 

[Iron_Horseman]

At the risk of being trite

There is something about a woman's laugh and laughing together that brings me closer to her. In long term relationships it is so easy to get serious, so much to deal with ... you have to laugh together to be happy.

So my suggestion ... laugh with him, just be happy an joyous to be with him ... he will remember it for a long time. Those are the times I remember best with my ex .. that sometimes make me wonder how we lost what we once had.

 

[babydoll2u]

Re: At the risk of being trite

There is something about a woman's laugh and laughing together that brings me closer to her. In long term relationships it is so easy to get serious, so much to deal with ... you have to laugh together to be happy.

So my suggestion ... laugh with him, just be happy an joyous to be with him ... he will remember it for a long time. Those are the times I remember best with my ex .. that sometimes make me wonder how we lost what we once had.

I so agree hun.... I love being with someone I can laugh with

 

[Bluewolfcry]

This works for me and my SO, so hopefully it might work for you too!!!

We always have a group night on the weekends with all our friends at a bar or pool hall usually on Fridays. Then Saturday night is just for us. We go on a REAL date every week. We tend to splurge a little and go to a nicer restaurant than Appleby's. We'll go to a movie or rent them, etc. But what's nice is that if you go to a decent restaurant there is always plenty of time to talk over your meal and thankfully it is a public space so you can't blow up! But at the same time it seems to be an easier place to talk cause it is surrounded by other people rather than in bed or in the living room!

I suggest you make a deal with your SO that one night a week is date night! This will give you an excellent oppportunity to talk and air one's grievances!

P.S. we put down ground rules that we can not talk about work, so therefore everything we talk about is closely related to us!!!

Hope this helps!!

Jen

 

[jacuzzigal]

thanks for starting this thread... these answers are very enlightening

I agree. Thanks to everyone for answering too.