Rip me to shreds!

[StillStunned]

You are obviously a more-than-competent writer, but I think you also have a tendency to overwrite, to hold your language to the light to admire its glittering facets. I do not share that fascination; I want to hear about the people in the story more than the places they visit or to admire the ... glitter.

If you're already good, how could you be better? I think the title you have given to this thread indicates that you are open to honest or even extensive criticism. Please don't take it the wrong way, 'cause I'll be merciless. Apologies in advance.

No need to apologise. This is the whole point of the thread. And thanks for your input: as I noted at the start, the snippet is from an attempt to be more descriptive than I usually am, and I'm struggling to find the right balance.

 

[Devinter]

The more I've been trying to figure out how to offer some assistance on the recent snippet, the more I realize that I also struggle with action scenes like the one presented. If I forward one of my unpublished ones, and I get some criticism on it, perhaps some of the knowledge can be useful even for your own work, @StillStunned ? And if not, at least I might learn something. The scene is also from a fantasy story:

(This is the opening scene to the chapter, and the first time these characters are introduced.)

The curved blade glimmered, starlight reflecting off the sharpened metal as it was drawn from its scabbard. Eiko was no warrior, but blood was owed. Her dark eyes - so full of venom - stared at the man nearly twice her size. The silver light cast across her features, painting her like a nocturnal ghost - her hair like flowing ink in the light drizzle. The rain made the footing slippery, and mud stained the young girl's boots.

"Where is the prophet?" she demanded to know as she shifted her weight from foot to foot. Her dress clung to her body, damp and uncomfortable, but the weather did little to extinguish the fiery determination in the eyes of the maiden. "Speak, or the sword of my ancestors shall take your life."

The large man scoffed, but Eiko saw the nervous twitch in his eye. A thick spear - tipped with iron that had surely tasted blood and ended life - was clutched firmly in his hands. Not only did he have the range advantage; he was also a seasoned legionnaire in service to House Chasserat, the black-and-red emblem of a bow with three notched arrows etched onto his breastplate. "How should I know?" he spat, stepping back and shielding his face from the drizzle. The marking of his Goddess, Danara - the protector - showed clearly upon his palm. "Run home, little girl. Only misery awaits you should you be foolish enough to-"

He didn't have time to finish his sentence before she sprung, darting forward like an angry wildcat as the rain pelted down. The man instantly lunged at her in a futile attempt to counter-attack, but Eiko had him. A shout of pain escaped the veteran's throat as the blade pierced through his thigh, drawing a great spray of crimson drops into the air, painting both the ground and Eiko's dress red. Narrowly dodging another blow, she nimbly retreated out of reach of his weapon. Pounce, then fall back, using her dexterity and speed to her advantage. Just like her father taught her..

"Fucking wench!" the soldier screamed in fury as he fell down on one knee, gripping his wounded thigh and panting for breath. He never took his eyes off of her, glaring with murderous intent at the young girl.

"Speak," she commanded again. "Or this night will be your last."

 

[TheLobster]

Did a bit of editing on the piece:

The curved blade glimmered, starlight reflecting off the curved sharpened metal as it was drawn it slid from its scabbard. Eiko was no warrior but tonight, blood was owed. Her dark eyes - so full of venom - stared at the man nearly twice her size. The silver light cast across her features, painting her like a nocturnal ghost: - her hair like flowing ink in the light drizzle. The rain made the footing slippery, and mud stained the young girl's boots.

"Where is the prophet?" she demanded to know as she shifted her weight from foot to foot. Her dress clung to her body, damp and uncomfortable, but the weather elements did little to extinguish the fiery determination in the eyes of the maiden. "Speak, or the sword of my ancestors shall take your life."

The large man scoffed, but Eiko saw the nervous twitch in his eye. A thick spear - tipped with iron that had surely tasted blood and ended life - was he clutched firmly in his hands. Not only did he have the range advantage; he was also a seasoned legionnaire in service to House Chasserat, the black-and-red emblem of a bow with three notched arrows etched onto his breastplate. "How should I know?" he spat, stepping back and shielding his face from the drizzle. The marking of his Goddess, Danara - the protector - showed clearly upon his palm. "Run home, little girl. Only misery awaits you should you be foolish enough to-"

He didn't have time to finish his sentence before she sprung, darting forward like an angry wildcat as the rain pelted down. The man instantly lunged at her in a futile attempt to counter-attack, but Eiko had him. A shout of pain escaped the veteran's throat; as the blade pierced through his thigh, drawing a great spray of crimson drops mist into the air, staining painting both the ground and painting Eiko's dress red. Narrowly dodging another blow, she nimbly retreated out of reach of his weapon.
(paragraph break)
Pounce, then fall back, using use her dexterity and speed to her advantage. Just like her father taught her..

"Fucking wench!" the soldier screamed in fury as he fell down on one knee, gripping his wounded thigh and panting for breath. He never took his eyes off of her, glaring with murderous intent at the young girl.

"Speak," she commanded again, readying herself for another pounce. "Or this night will be your last."

Just a few extraneous words and some changes to make the flow better. Overall, I quite liked it.

 

[Devinter]

Did a bit of editing on the piece:

Just a few extraneous words and some changes to make the flow better. Overall, I quite liked it.

Thank you, Sir/Madame Lobster. I do have a bit of a reputation for being verbose, which is something I actually don't mind, but I can see how a few of those words are particularly unnecessary. I will be accepting some of your changes into the final product!

Amusingly, two of the corrections you made is actually reverting to the word choices I had in my earliest draft of this chapter opening; I changed "elements" to "weather" because of the word "fiery" following close behind, which is another element of sort in a fantasy setting. And I took out the word "mist" for "drops" because the word mists features very heavily shortly after this scene as they venture into the lands of House Mistmoore. Obviously, you could not have known that! Would "rubies" be far too extravagant of a word?

 

[shelleycat1]

Re: Devinter.
I tend to pick up on this stort of stuff, and it is your world. But, if starlight can gleam off a blade and the other colour is silvered hair, and it is raining, how do you see any colour? I have a vison of the protagonists, in a black and silver scene. The crimson just made me stop, and think about the lighting. Same for the etched emblem on the breastplate now I’m thinking about it.

Please don’t say elf eyes. The scene starts in monochrome as described.

 

[Devinter]

Re: Devinter.
I tend to pick up on this stort of stuff, and it is your world. But, if starlight can gleam off a blade and the other colour is silvered hair, and it is raining, how do you see any colour? I have a vison of the protagonists, in a black and silver scene. The crimson just made me stop, and think about the lighting. Same for the etched emblem on the breastplate now I’m thinking about it.

Please don’t say elf eyes. The scene starts in monochrome as described.

The elf eyes comment made me chuckle!

No, no elves. But it is set in a fantasy world, with bright stars that play a decently important part in the story. I won't go into it too much but they're connected to the pantheon of Gods, which are very much real and interacting with the world.

That being said, the scene is meant to be lit up by the stars and the moon, but otherwise set in the night time. In a scene not long after the battle, Eiko runs through a forest and with the thick canopy overhead it's dark enough that she has troubles seeing the roots and whatnot under her feet, and nearly tumbles to the ground. However, she doesn't require a lantern to not run into the trees themselves.

Even in the real world, the 'darkness' of the night varies greatly depending on where you live. In Sweden, where I am from, during the summer season you can see colours quite clearly at any hour of the day, even when it's quite cloudy. But in the dead of winter, at 5 in the afternoon, it's so dark outside you'll struggle to see the hand in front of your face.

 

[StillStunned]

The more I've been trying to figure out how to offer some assistance on the recent snippet, the more I realize that I also struggle with action scenes like the one presented. If I forward one of my unpublished ones, and I get some criticism on it, perhaps some of the knowledge can be useful even for your own work, @StillStunned ? And if not, at least I might learn something.

It's certainly faster than my scene. If mine was Hollywood, yours was Olympic fencing: one lunge and it's done.

starlight reflecting off the sharpened metal

Slightly related to what @shelleycat1 noted above, but if it's drizzling you're not going to see much starlight, and certainly not enough to reflect on a weapon, I think.

with three notched arrows etched onto his breastplate

Notched or nocked?

Her dress clung to her body, damp and uncomfortable, but the weather did little to extinguish the fiery determination in the eyes of the maiden.

I'd begin this sentence with "the maiden". You refer to she/her three times in the sentence before, and leaving this new descriptor until the end of this sentence makes it seems like it's referring to someone else.

The man instantly lunged at her in a futile attempt to counter-attack, but Eiko had him.

You might want to mention that his grip on the spear is a bit awkward. He had it in two hands to start, then raised one hand to his face to keep the rain off. So now he's trying (presumably) to bring that hand down to his weapon, but Eiko catches him at just the right moment.

Narrowly dodging another blow

The blow you refer to immediately before this is Eiko's, so you should specify "another blow from the spear" or something.

Other than these tiny quibbles, I enjoyed it, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest!

 

[Devinter]

It's certainly faster than my scene. If mine was Hollywood, yours was Olympic fencing: one lunge and it's done.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. The scene doesn't technically end there - I just cut it short because I didn't want the snippet to be too lengthy. If you want to read the entire draft, you are more than welcome to do so, but it's quite convoluted and far from finished!

Slightly related to what @shelleycat1 noted above, but if it's drizzling you're not going to see much starlight, and certainly not enough to reflect on a weapon, I think.

Hmm. With two people making that same remark, I might have to change it after all. Perhaps it's too complicated; we envision things through the lens of the real world that we know, after all. Doesn't help that the world I created has four moons either, I assume?

Notched or nocked?

Oh! Good catch.

I'd begin this sentence with "the maiden". You refer to she/her three times in the sentence before, and leaving this new descriptor until the end of this sentence makes it seems like it's referring to someone else.

You might want to mention that his grip on the spear is a bit awkward. He had it in two hands to start, then raised one hand to his face to keep the rain off. So now he's trying (presumably) to bring that hand down to his weapon, but Eiko catches him at just the right moment.

The blow you refer to immediately before this is Eiko's, so you should specify "another blow from the spear" or something.

All great advice. Thank you, brethren. I can see this scene improving significantly already!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Notched or nocked?

Arrows are notched, but you nock it to the bow. If the end wasn't notched you wouldn't be able to nock it. One is a noun, the other a verb.
@Devinter

 

[Devinter]

Arrows are notched, but you nock it to the bow. If the end wasn't notched you wouldn't be able to nock it. One is a noun, the other a verb.
@Devinter

Thank you. I believe Nocked is the word I had intended to use. The symbol I had in mind was something like this one (stock photo below), although in my mind it was angled 90 degree's to left so the arrows pointed upwards.


https://static3.bigstockphoto.com/3/0/2/large2/203929072.jpg

 

[StillStunned]

Doesn't help that the world I created has four moons either, I assume?

Without the rest of the text it's difficult to judge whether this is necessary, but maybe include a line about "the silvery light of the moons and stars lending a nebulous glow to the damp air"?

Also, I assume that the "prophet" is the only person who understands the tides on a world with four moons...

 

[Devinter]

Without the rest of the text it's difficult to judge whether this is necessary, but maybe include a line about "the silvery light of the moons and stars lending a nebulous glow to the damp air"?

Hmm. Perhaps. On that note; as a reader, is it important to you to understand everything you come across in a story right away?

For example, there is this mention in my snippet of a "Marking of his Goddess, Danara - the protector" on his palm. It's not explained right there and then what that means, or if it's important - and several similar mentions are made not long thereafter, including Eiko's own mark - but I circle back to it in the following chapter, allowing for greater understanding. Would something like that frustrate a lot of readers, you think? The world is too complicated (perhaps needlessly) that if I'd explain everything right away, there'd likely be too much exposition happening. I tend to favour a steady story flow.

Also, I assume that the "prophet" is the only person who understands the tides on a world with four moons...

... Probably. Doesn't help that there's actually more than one "prophet" either.

 

[StillStunned]

Hmm. Perhaps. On that note; as a reader, is it important to you to understand everything you come across in a story right away?

For example, there is this mention in my snippet of a "Marking of his Goddess, Danara - the protector" on his palm. It's not explained right there and then what that means, or if it's important - and several similar mentions are made not long thereafter, including Eiko's own mark - but I circle back to it in the following chapter, allowing for greater understanding. Would something like that frustrate a lot of readers, you think? The world is too complicated (perhaps needlessly) that if I'd explain everything right away, there'd likely be too much exposition happening. I tend to favour a steady story flow.

Definitely not in the case of the mark in the soldier's hand. But for something like the glow of four moons, something that affects how the reader pictures the scene in their mind, you might want to clarify it up front. It's immediate information, rather than background information, I think. And "the light of the four moons" won't slow down the narrative with exposition, where an explanation of Danara and her mark would.

 

[StillStunned]

My excerpt:

===

There’s a place in Spain where you can walk all day and never see another human being. Where your only companions are the snake gliding through the brush, the ibex clinging to the cliff, the eagle soaring overhead.

In case anyone is interested, or even remembers this snippet: I submitted the full story last night. Some of the feedback in this thread went into the final version. Thanks again to everyone who shared their thoughts!

ETA: It's scheduled for publication on Sunday.

 

[StillStunned]

And here it is: Upstream. A hiker finds a hidden slice of paradise.

 

[StillStunned]

I'm going to revive this thread because I thought it was helpful before it ran of the tracks.

Before replying here, please have a look at the first post to see what the idea is. Honest, no-holds-barred criticism that's constructive. Don't make it personal, don't take it personally. If you post a snippet here, you take what you're given.

That said, I'll add another rule: explain what you're doing. If (for instance) you think it's useful to run another poster's snippet through an AI machine to see whether the lowest common denominator can follow what's going on, tell us what you're doing and why. (Also, don't upload anyone's snippets into an AI machine without their express consent.)

 

[StillStunned]

I'll get this new era underway.

The snippet below is from a new fairy tale that I came up with yesterday. Prince Foolish is sent out to learn how to cope for himself, under the guise of lifting a curse by finding "a wiser name than Foolish". He's described as intelligent, but constantly distracted, never thinking things through etc.

He encounters the other main character, Sagely the troll. This hasn't been written yet, but Sagely is under an actual curse: they (gender currently undecided) will turn back into human form once they can make the most foolish person wise. Or something like that. You see where it's going.

The snippet below is their first encounter. I'm trying to convey both these personalities, without being explicit. Bearing in mind the fairy tale nature, and the fact that the emphasis is on tell rather than show (which will shift as the story progresses and Prince Foolish becomes more self-aware), does it work?

===

The sun had risen a handspan into the sky when the Prince encountered a stone bridge. And standing on that bridge, staring out over the water, was the strangest creature he’d ever seen.

Its skin was a mottled green, stretched over a squat body with long gangly arms and bow legs. It was dressed in short breeches of rough leather and a sleeveless vest to match. Its head was bare and bald, with at least one large pointy ear.

The creature turned as Prince Foolish clopped up on his horse. Its face was flat and round, with a wide, drooping mouth and a long, sharp nose. Its eyes were small and dark under thick hairless brows.

“Hello!” called out the Prince as he approached. “Is this your bridge?”

The creature looked him up and down, seeming to take in every detail: his handsome face, his fine clothes, his magnificent horse. Then they returned to his face, and its mouth opened in a big smile that revealed sharp teeth.

“Do I look like a troll?”

The Prince began to reply, then stopped. “I don’t know. I’ve never seen a troll. What does one look like?”

The creature gestured at itself. “Perhaps like this.”

“Then perhaps yes, you look like a troll.” The Prince paused, then asked, “Are you a troll? You don’t seem very certain.”

“I might be.” The creature – the troll – looked around. “I’ve only been one since this morning, and you’re the first person to ask.”

“Oh.” The Prince very much wanted to ask more, but he still wanted an answer to his first question. “But is this your bridge?”

“It might be. Would you be willing to pay me to cross it?”

“If it’s your bridge, that only seems fair.” Prince Foolish reached inside his jacket and withdrew the purse with its copper and silver coins. “I have some coins, but I think they’re supposed to last all day.”

The troll’s ears – there was one on the other side of its head to match the one that had been visible before – pricked forward and out. “Well, you could give me some of them and keep the rest.”

“That seems fair. After all, this is your bridge, and I want to cross.” The Prince paused, then asked, “It is your bridge, isn’t it?”

“Do you see anyone else here?” The troll waved its arms around.

The Prince shook his head. “I suppose not. But how much do you want?”

“Half of what you have.”

“Half? Why half?”

The troll grinned to show its teeth again. “Because you’ll need the other half for when you come back.”

The Prince paused again, then nodded. “That makes sense. Very well.” And he shook coins out into his hand and began to count them. When he was done, he poured one half back into his purse, then held out his hand with the rest. “Here. And thank you for letting me cross your bridge.”

The troll stepped forward and held up a large hand. As the Prince let the silver and copper coins slide into it, the dark eyes under the heavy brow scrutinised his face. “Who are you, handsome man?”

“I’m Foolish.” The Prince couldn’t help but feel pleased at being called handsome. “Prince Foolish.”

“Prince Foolish?” The creature nodded slowly and slipped the coins into a pocket in its breeches. “That makes sense.”

“And you?”

“I’m called Sagely.”

“Sagely? That’s a nice name.” The Prince inhaled deeply, and let his breath out in a long sigh. “It reminds me of the kitchens in the Castle. I wish I could go home.”

“Why can’t you?”

Sagely seemed only half interested, but that had never stopped Prince Foolish from talking before. “I’m on a quest to find my real name. A wiser name.”

“A wiser name than Foolish?”

“Yes. I expect it’s going to take me most of the day.”

For a moment Sagely seemed to hesitate, then it said, “I’ll join you, if you don’t mind.”

“Mind? Of course not!” The Prince was thrilled. Sagely seemed very clever, and very interesting to talk to besides. “But what about your bridge?”

The troll shrugged. “Someone else will find it and it will be theirs.”

Prince Foolish nodded. “Of course. Alright, let’s be on our way. I wonder how far we can get by nightfall.”

Sagely looked at the sun, still only a handspan above the hills, shrugged and fell in beside the Prince’s horse. “I wonder that too.”

 

[StillStunned]

Two and a half hours, and no takers? Who do you have to piss off around here to get a bit of unfiltered criticism?

 

[Erozetta]

Two and a half hours, and no takers? Who do you have to piss off around here to get a bit of unfiltered criticism?

I'm still recovering from COVID and not braining properly. I've written like three sentences since getting sick and now I'm trying to figure out what they were supposed to mean.

Once I'm better I'll take a jab at it. (I am on the mend, maybe another day and I might be a semi functional human again.)

 

[StillStunned]

I'm still recovering from COVID and not braining properly. I've written like three sentences since getting sick and now I'm trying to figure out what they were supposed to mean.

Once I'm better I'll take a jab at it. (I am on the mend, maybe another day and I might be a semi functional human again.)

You're forgiven, I suppose. Give your cat a cuddle instead.

 

[TheLobster]

Two and a half hours, and no takers? Who do you have to piss off around here to get a bit of unfiltered criticism?

Alright, I'll take a stab at it.

I liked the first part of it, particularly the dialogue. It has this eerie quality of conveying deep, almost philosophical questions using near-childlike language. You might say it's fey and ethereal, very much in the style of a fairy tale.

Problem is that this impression doesn't last. Somewhere, maybe around halfway through, it starts to fall flat. Maybe it's because the conversation becomes more grounded, more concrete? Maybe because it simply drags on? I don't know; it's hard to pinpoint exactly. The passage just kind of losses its momentum and becomes almost mundane. This saying, the understated yet obvious portrayal of Prince's foolishness is definitely amusing; I liked that.

Some other random points:

• The Prince is on horseback, but I can't know it until third paragraph. By that time, I'm already picturing him approaching the bridge on foot.
• You should probably say straight away that Sagely is a troll. Until the narrator says it, it feels like it's meant to be a bit of a mystery (What is the measure of troll?), but then the mystery is abruptly resolved.
• Sagely's final words in the piece seem a bit off. I expected him to say something more profound, like "As far as we can".
  • Also, a small consistency issue: Prince says the quest will take him "most of the day" but then wonders how far they'd get by nightfall, meaning he knows he won't be returning tonight

 

[StillStunned]

Alright, I'll take a stab at it.

Thanks! I hope morning-coffee me is as thickskinned as after-dinner-wine me.

I liked the first part of it, particularly the dialogue. It has this eerie quality of conveying deep, almost philosophical questions using near-childlike language. You might say it's fey and ethereal, very much in the style of a fairy tale.

Problem is that this impression doesn't last. Somewhere, maybe around halfway through, it starts to fall flat. Maybe it's because the conversation becomes more grounded, more concrete? Maybe because it simply drags on? I don't know; it's hard to pinpoint exactly. The passage just kind of losses its momentum and becomes almost mundane.

Rereading it, I think it's probably when they start talking about money. That bit drags. Thanks for pointing that out.

This saying, the understated yet obvious portrayal of Prince's foolishness is definitely amusing; I liked that.

Some other random points:

• The Prince is on horseback, but I can't know it until third paragraph. By that time, I'm already picturing him approaching the bridge on foot.

With the rest of the story, he's already described as riding a horse. There's a whole fairy tale bit about how everyone in the castle has helped him pack for the journey.

• You should probably say straight away that Sagely is a troll. Until the narrator says it, it feels like it's meant to be a bit of a mystery (What is the measure of troll?), but then the mystery is abruptly resolved.

Yeah, maybe it should start with the Prince asking "Are you a troll?" and then moving on to whether it's Sagely's bridge.

• Sagely's final words in the piece seem a bit off. I expected him to say something more profound, like "As far as we can".
  • Also, a small consistency issue: Prince says the quest will take him "most of the day" but then wonders how far they'd get by nightfall, meaning he knows he won't be returning tonight

I was trying to convey the Prince's foolishness in thinking that he's going out on this grand quest and still expects to be home by nightfall. It needs more work, I agree,

Thanks for your honest feedback!

 

[TheLobster]

Rereading it, I think it's probably when they start talking about money. That bit drags. Thanks for pointing that out.

Actually, I think it's a bit before that, when Prince asks one time too many if it's really the troll's bridge.

This may be to illustrate his foolishness but I think it could work better if Sagely asked straight away if Prince sees anyone else here rather than toying with him with "It might be."

With the rest of the story, he's already described as riding a horse. There's a whole fairy tale bit about how everyone in the castle has helped him pack for the journey.

Right, I kinda figured it may be an artifact of cutting the snippet out. I think it still bears a reminder if this is, say, the very beginning of a chapter.

Yeah, maybe it should start with the Prince asking "Are you a troll?" and then moving on to whether it's Sagely's bridge.

Yes, but something I forgot to point out previously; the first paragraph, where the troll is described as "the strangest creature the Prince had ever seen."

If that's true, then I wouldn't expect him to know it's a troll. I would generally cut out the hyperbole altogether and replace it with e.g., "a supremely odd creature" or something else without this kind of superlative.

 

[Erozetta]

The sun had risen a handspan into the sky when the Prince encountered a stone bridge. And standing on that bridge, staring out over the water, was the strangest creature he’d ever seen.

Its skin was a mottled green, stretched over a squat body with long gangly arms and bow legs. It was dressed in short breeches of rough leather and a sleeveless vest to match. Its head was bare and bald, with at least one large pointy ear.

The creature turned as Prince Foolish clopped up on his horse. Its face was flat and round, with a wide, drooping mouth and a long, sharp nose. Its eyes were small and dark under thick hairless brows.

“Hello!” called out the Prince as he approached. “Is this your bridge?” Is there a reason mentioned previously in story that would make him think beings own bridges? If he's foolish, I'd think he would assume all bridges are available to pass as needed and would proceed unhindered. However, if, as he's getting ready to travel, the people helping him tell tales of bridge trolls and their trickery, this would make more sense.

The creature looked him up and down, seeming to take in every detail: his handsome face, his fine clothes, his magnificent horse. Then they returned to his face, and its mouth opened in a big smile that revealed sharp teeth.

“Do I look like a troll?”

The Prince began to reply, then stopped. “I don’t know. I’ve never seen a troll. What does one look like?” Does he know anything of trolls? Has he even heard the term before? If he doesn't know what they look like, would he have any frame of reference for their existence? Connecting this to the bridge might help. "I don't know, but I'm told they guard bridges and demand tolls. Do you know what a troll looks like?"

The creature gestured at itself. “Perhaps like this.”

“Then perhaps yes, you look like a troll.” The Prince paused, then asked, “Are you a troll? You don’t seem very certain.”

“I might be.” The creature – the troll – looked around. “I’ve only been one ('this way', or something similar to continue the uncertainty. Or lead it with "If I am, then I've only been...) since this morning, and you’re the first person to ask.”

“Oh.” The Prince very much wanted to ask more, but he still wanted an answer to his first question. “But is this your bridge?”

“It might be. Would you be willing to pay me to cross it?”

“If it’s your bridge, that only seems fair.” Prince Foolish reached inside his jacket and withdrew the purse with its copper and silver coins. “I have some coins, but I think they’re supposed to last all day.”

The troll’s ears – there was one on the other side of its head to match the one that had been visible before – pricked forward and out. “Well, you could give me some of them and keep the rest.”

“That seems fair. After all, this is your bridge, and I want to cross.” The Prince paused, then asked, “It is your bridge, isn’t it?”

“Do you see anyone else here?” The troll waved its arms around.

The Prince shook his head. “I suppose not. But how much do you want?”

“Half of what you have.”

“Half? Why half?”

The troll grinned to show its teeth again. “Because you’ll need the other half for when you come back.”

The Prince paused again, then nodded. “That makes sense. Very well.” And he shook coins out into his hand and began to count them. When he was done, he poured one half back into his purse, then held out his hand with the rest. “Here. And thank you for letting me cross your bridge.”

The troll stepped forward and held up a large hand. As the Prince let the silver and copper coins slide into it, the dark eyes under the heavy brow scrutinised his face. “Who are you, handsome man?”

“I’m Foolish.” The Prince couldn’t help but feel pleased at being called handsome. “Prince Foolish.”

“Prince Foolish?” The creature nodded slowly and slipped the coins into a pocket in its breeches. “That makes sense.”

“And you?”

“I’m called Sagely.”

“Sagely? That’s a nice name.” The Prince inhaled deeply, and let his breath out in a long sigh. “It reminds me of the kitchens in the Castle. I wish I could go home.”

“Why can’t you?”

Sagely seemed only half interested, but that had never stopped Prince Foolish from talking before. “I’m on a quest to find my real name. A wiser name.” I'd nix this and transfer it to Sagely. "A wiser name perhaps?" Giving a hint toward their purpose by having Sagely perk up and seem less dismissive at that. Gives more reason for Sagely to join the quest.

“A wiser name than Foolish?”

“Yes. I expect it’s going to take me most of the day.”

For a moment Sagely seemed to hesitate, then it said, “I’ll join you, if you don’t mind.”

“Mind? Of course not!” The Prince was thrilled. Sagely seemed very clever, and very interesting to talk to besides. “But what about your bridge?”

The troll shrugged. “Someone else will find it and it will be theirs.”

Prince Foolish nodded. “Of course. Alright, let’s be on our way. I wonder how far we can get by nightfall.”

Sagely looked at the sun, still only a handspan above the hills, shrugged and fell in beside the Prince’s horse. “I wonder that too.”

That's all the critique I'm up to at the moment, lol.

Basically, rework purpose and goals into the actions of each character. Consider what they each know, or what they don't know, and how that influences their interactions with one another as well as how they approach the world itself.

 

[StillStunned]

That's all the critique I'm up to at the moment, lol.

Basically, rework purpose and goals into the actions of each character. Consider what they each know, or what they don't know, and how that influences their interactions with one another as well as how they approach the world itself.

Thanks! All very good points (except perhaps the bit about a "wiser name", which the Prince has been told by his father.)