Reviving sex drive after child birth

[Oo_Bugsy]

Before our daughter was born my girlfriend and I had sex a fair bit, nothing adventurous but still a lot more than we are now.

It seems like now we tend to "plan" when we have sex and even then more often than not we don't do it.

Granted we are young in comparison to some of you sexual veterans, I am 22 and my partner is 21.
Are there any other couples or people that have been in my situation before?

Any help is much appreciated, thanks!

Bugsy

 

[Eilan]

Been there, done that x 4.

Make sure you're helping around the house, sharing the childcare load, etc. If the two of you can get someone to watch the baby once a week or so for date nights, your relationship will benefit from the one-on-one time, even if you don't end up having sex at the end of the night.

Relationships always take work, but when kids come into the picture, the challenges are even greater. The infancy and toddlerhood stages can be the least sexually satisfying periods in a relationship for many couples. It does eventually get better.

Good luck!

 

[Duracell10]

It is big change to your lives to have a baby, and even though you try to plan things it will take some time to adjust. Helping out as much as possible is a big thing. Very often my ex and I would find that when it came to sex, the mind was willing but the body wasn't.

Hang in there, things will improve with time.

 

[Oo_Bugsy]

Thanks for your replies. They are giving me some comfort knowing i'm not alone.

Our baby was planned but kind of rushed, my partner & I had known eachother for 10+ years prior to getting together and was only offiially a couple for about 2 months before we decided to have a baby.

I have said it to her multiple times, I miss those times we had before our baby was conceived. Simple things like taking her to work on the bus, taking her for breakfast before work. I consider those to be some of my happiest times & just wish we could get them back.
That being said I love my daughter to bits & wouldn't change a thing.

Bloody human mind! Wish I could turn it off.

 

[rachel7824]

Being on the female end of this situation within the last year, I have to agree with the person that said to help out around the house. Also, I think it's important to take the time to let her know how sexy you find her, a lot of things change and she may not always feel the sexiest. Plus the way things feel during sex can change... luckily sex feels better for me after having a baby

And, don't be afraid to seduce her in some of the same ways you did before... we're just moms, we're not dead

 

[Oo_Bugsy]

Being on the female end of this situation within the last year, I have to agree with the person that said to help out around the house. Also, I think it's important to take the time to let her know how sexy you find her, a lot of things change and she may not always feel the sexiest. Plus the way things feel during sex can change... luckily sex feels better for me after having a baby

And, don't be afraid to seduce her in some of the same ways you did before... we're just moms, we're not dead

Thank you Rachel.
I am always sure to let her know how sexy and perfect she is.
As Eilan mentioned about date nights I wish we had the money to go on one.
Love treating my woman but it becomes increasingly hard when all I worry about now is rent raising in January, less money, no work etc.

 

[Emerson40]

I don't know how "new" your daughter is - whether she is a newborn or toddler - but things will improve.

If she is a newborn, just be patient. It is an exhausting time for new moms, first time new moms even more so. The 2 to 3 hour feed cycles, tending to baby's and your / household's needs. It takes a toll. Every moment she is not thinking about baby she is thinking about rest and sleep. Sex is probably far down the list.

If she is a toddler and sleeping through most of, or all of the night, then the suggestions you've received are good.

Date nights don't have to be expensive or grandiose if money is tight. Sometimes a nice walk or drive while a close family member or trusted friends watches over the little one can be a nice break for both of you.

Picnics can be a nice break from routine. If the weather is shitty, snap a blanket down on the floor or bed and have it at home.

A movie in - something she wants to see - with a nice (inexpensive) bottle of wine and some cuddles on the couch.

Helping out around the house will earn you big points. Telling her how sexy and perfect she is good, but show her as well. Bring her flowers, write her notes and cards and leave them where she wil find them, hold her hand when grocery shopping. Prepare her favorite meal or do all the cooking on the weekends.

Be patient and understanding, be appreciative (show your appreciation) of the job she is doing, lend a hand whenever possible, and make sure she feels she is not doing things on her own, that you are there to support and help out. Sex will follow.

It will get better. Welcome to fatherhood.

 

[Eilan]

Thank you Rachel.
I am always sure to let her know how sexy and perfect she is.
As Eilan mentioned about date nights I wish we had the money to go on one.
Love treating my woman but it becomes increasingly hard when all I worry about now is rent raising in January, less money, no work etc.

Date nights don't have to cost anything. What's important is just getting out of the house. If you have a doting grandma to watch the baby, then that's even better.

It gets better as the kids get older, though older kids bring their own set of challenges.

 

[culloden]

You've gotten great advice here. Kids change everything - They become the focus of your life, which is great, but... You still need to go to work or school or both. The household chores still need doing. And now you need to take care of a child, essentially 24/7.

With all that going on, something has to give, and as a practical matter, it's time with your honey. You have to just accept the fact that until the kids are grown, you're never going to have the time you did before.

But with all this going on, your relationship with your gf is more important then ever. You each need each other like at no previous time, both for your own sakes and for that of your daughter. What you lack in time, try to make up for with help and attentiveness. You'll be glad you did.

 

[GrrlFriday]

Helping around the house and with nappy changing etc. will be appreciated. This cannot be stressed enough. Even if she is charmed by your thoughtfulness but the flesh is currently too weak, you will be racking up goodwill for when she's not feeling so wiped out.

Getting someone to babysit now and then (grandma/grandpa or new aunties), even if you don't do anything sexual in your 'off-time', will be appreciated. Make sure they've all had their shots - while bubby is new, they'll all be falling over backwards to do things to help.

"The 2 to 3 hour feed cycles, tending to baby's and your / household's needs. It takes a toll. Every moment she is not thinking about baby she is thinking about rest and sleep. Sex is probably far down the list." - this. Also, whenever bubby does a new thing, she is trying to work out what is going on, if it's good or bad or normal or what.

You can borrow DVDs and CDs from your local library, or even just go out on a romantic walk or a picnic or something. Try and talk about something that's not bubby.

 

[LadyVer]

It's hard adjusting to basically no spontaneity with sex. And all parents have to deal with this. It's one of the hardest things to adjust to. It does get better, it just takes a while.

 

[Lord Pmann]

I don't have anything to offer here, except that when I read this thread title, I thought it said, "How to revive sex with child after birth". I just shook my head. Hehe.

Carry on.

 

[Oo_Bugsy]

I don't have anything to offer here, except that when I read this thread title, I thought it said, "How to revive sex with child after birth". I just shook my head. Hehe.

Carry on.

I must admit I wrote the thread and I've misread it a few times too.

My bad ^_^

 

[culloden]

A classic book which my wife and I found very helpful was What to Expect the First Year. Yeah, I know you didn't ask about child rearing. But that's what your life is now. This book helped both of us understand what was going on. And even though I wan't the primary care giver (my wife stayed home with the kids while I worked two jobs to replace her income), I made sure to read it too. It really helped her for me to be in tune to what was going on. And that cemented our relationship, which led to more sex...

 

[Oo_Bugsy]

I realise I never made it clear, my daughter will be 18 months next week.

Though I know all the support and information provided matters regardless of her age.

A very big thank you from me and my partner.

 

[GrrlFriday]

She may soon start to notice when you two want to sneak off together, and she may not understand that you don't actually want her there during those times.

 

[box13]

I think that's about the time I became pretty bad in bed, and "foreplay" turned into talking about the mother-in-law and the ex-husband for 20 or 30 minutes, and then rolling over and going to sleep, or else we'd list off the things I hadn't done yet, or didn't do anymore, which is something we'd often repeat on "date night" as well. I just loved that....those wonderful evenings when we were together, with the baby, where I just didn't have to say anything because she would do all the talking. *long dramatic sigh* If I'd just only tried.

Hopefully, your experience will be different. Fatigue is an issue though, caring for a newborn and a toddler, and all the extra responsibility. I love the daughter though. So I guess overall, the experience is mixed. Or something.

I don't think I've been helpful, other than to perhaps make you feel much more fortunate. At least I hope.

 

[Slick_fox]

Has she gone back on the birth control pill since giving birth? Is it the same brand?

I'm asking because after my wife gave birth she started a new birth control pill. She pretty much had ZERO sex drive for about 6-7 months afterwards. She really enjoyed sex when we did have it, she was just NEVER in the mood.

She stopped taking the pill since they can play quite a bit with your hormones, and it was a complete turn-around within a couple of weeks, and I find her sex drive is higher than it was before she became pregnant.

 

[RepressedGuy]

I'm like the others- I think things will get better for you, but here something to think about that I haven't yet seen said ...

And let me caveat this by saying, I am not a biologist, psychologist, researcher or anything else. I have however been through what you are describing, and it didn't get better by just waiting it out for a few months. Hopefully your situation is different, but I'm still coping with my wife's low libido after child birth and it's been 6 years. (And if any of you are wondering, the problem isn't because I'm some sort of disgusting frog!)

So, think about this ..

Genetically speaking, now that your gf has had a child with you, there may be a natural tendency for her to be more interested in a different gene "donor" for her next child, which may increase the overall chances of one of her children being genetically successful. I don't know this as scientific fact, but it is something I've read a few times and may have some basis. I think the lesson is to make sure that within 6-7 months, whether or not your gf has a strong sex-drive, you have to carefully and lovingly reintroduced regular, if infrequent, sex to help reestablish the sexual bonds between you. She may love you as a father and potential husband, but could have waning physical attraction for you and this is what you want to avoid.

I didn't follow this advice. My wife had post-partum depression, anxiety, was always complaining about how frustrated she was with raising the child. (She is a stay at home mom.) I did everything I could for her, including not pressing her for sex because of her fragile state. And in the long run, I think it was a mistake.

Anyway, this probably isn't your situation at all, but just in case, don't be afraid to put your needs first once in a while.

RG

 

[satindesire]

I literally CANNOT stress how difficult it is to be a mother.

I have two. A two year old and a three year old. You honestly have zero idea what effect children have on your free time/hobbies/LIFE until you have them, and being a stay at home mom can be especially rough because you are literally ON 24/7.

Dads can get lucky. They can get "time off" from work. They can come home, unwind, watch the game. Moms that are trying to be the "domestic partners" can be so "touched out" and completely wired into their children that we can completely neglect and forget to take care of ourselves.

Trust me on this. THE MORE YOU DO, the more likely you are to get your sex life back.

It's hard. But please understand that the fewer worries we have about what chores still need to be done, what bills still need to be paid, what items still need to be picked up at the grocery store, etc etc ad nauseum, the more likely she is to fall in bed at a decent time (instead of staying up all night catching up on laundry/dishes) and get a decent amount of sleep so that she can be a human being instead of a zombie during Kid Time.

I will not lie to you. This is going to be the hardest, most stressful amount of work you will ever have in your entire life, but if she's staying with the kids while you're at home, SHE NEEDS A BREAK, just like you do. And you have to help her. She doesn't get time off, she doesn't have an office to leave. Please. Help her out. As much as you can.

 

[Oo_Bugsy]

Has she gone back on the birth control pill since giving birth? Is it the same brand?

I'm asking because after my wife gave birth she started a new birth control pill. She pretty much had ZERO sex drive for about 6-7 months afterwards. She really enjoyed sex when we did have it, she was just NEVER in the mood.

She stopped taking the pill since they can play quite a bit with your hormones, and it was a complete turn-around within a couple of weeks, and I find her sex drive is higher than it was before she became pregnant.

She got the rod in her arm. Implanon or something. She will have that in for 4 years so if our living situation is any better by then we may plan for a second child.

Having this rod in has had a terrible effect on her hormones but its just one of those things I need to put aside. If I read too much into her mood it'd cause a lot of fights.

 

[BeachMomma]

Most of the advice you've already received is spot on, especially the advice about helping her as much as you can. On that note, another thing you can do to help her would be to insist that you stay with the baby while she goes out to spend some adult time with her friends or doing whatever she wants to do. Stay at home moms frequently feel like they don't get enough adult conversation; it's good for her to be able to have a little time away from baby so that she can remember she is an intelligent adult.

Date night is important, but it doesn't have to be expensive or sexual. Date night will mean just as much to her (if not more), if you spend it together just talking. Remind her how much you love her, how sexy she is, and that seeing her as a mother just makes her more sexy.

Appreciate her - both with your words and your actions. It's hard work keeping up with a toddler all day, and she'll be happy to know you appreciate her efforts. When you come home from work, offer to entertain baby while she does dinner - or offer to take care of dinner for her. You could consider taking turns putting baby to bed. On your nights to put baby to bed, suggest that she pamper herself with a hot bubble bath or some quality time alone with a good book.

On the sex side, remember that the brain is the biggest sex organ. Make love to her mind, and her body will follow. You know her best, so you'll know if she's more in tune with her romantic side or her sexy "RAWR!" side. Play on that. If you think she's interested, read erotica, watch porn, look at some of the sexier threads here at Literotica - together. If you see or read something that lights a fire for both of you, suggest that you try it together.

Most importantly, communicate - and not just about the baby, domestic responsibilities, or mundane things. Ask her what she needs or wants from you and really listen. Keep your sense of humor; being a parent is a roller coaster ride at times. A sense of humor will make things easier for everybody.

My daughter is almost 21. As much as you miss the time as a couple, enjoy these years. They'll be gone before you know it. The most important thing for both of you to remember is that when the kids are grown and moved out, you'll still be a couple together. Even when it seems impossible, nurture your relationship. There are tons of couples out there who find themselves empty nesters with a near stranger; you don't want to let that happen. The baby is definitely very important in your life, but always remember that the two of you are a team.

Congratulations! You're entering a very exciting time in your family. There will be tough times, and there will be times that make either or both of you want to pull your hair out. Remember the cliche: This too shall pass. It's a cliche because it's true. When my daughter was in the Terrible Twos (and again as a teenager), this too shall pass became my mantra. I had lots of days that it was the only way I could keep my sanity.

 

[Oo_Bugsy]

Most of the advice you've already received is spot on, especially the advice about helping her as much as you can. On that note, another thing you can do to help her would be to insist that you stay with the baby while she goes out to spend some adult time with her friends or doing whatever she wants to do. Stay at home moms frequently feel like they don't get enough adult conversation; it's good for her to be able to have a little time away from baby so that she can remember she is an intelligent adult.

Date night is important, but it doesn't have to be expensive or sexual. Date night will mean just as much to her (if not more), if you spend it together just talking. Remind her how much you love her, how sexy she is, and that seeing her as a mother just makes her more sexy.

Appreciate her - both with your words and your actions. It's hard work keeping up with a toddler all day, and she'll be happy to know you appreciate her efforts. When you come home from work, offer to entertain baby while she does dinner - or offer to take care of dinner for her. You could consider taking turns putting baby to bed. On your nights to put baby to bed, suggest that she pamper herself with a hot bubble bath or some quality time alone with a good book.

On the sex side, remember that the brain is the biggest sex organ. Make love to her mind, and her body will follow. You know her best, so you'll know if she's more in tune with her romantic side or her sexy "RAWR!" side. Play on that. If you think she's interested, read erotica, watch porn, look at some of the sexier threads here at Literotica - together. If you see or read something that lights a fire for both of you, suggest that you try it together.

Most importantly, communicate - and not just about the baby, domestic responsibilities, or mundane things. Ask her what she needs or wants from you and really listen. Keep your sense of humor; being a parent is a roller coaster ride at times. A sense of humor will make things easier for everybody.

My daughter is almost 21. As much as you miss the time as a couple, enjoy these years. They'll be gone before you know it. The most important thing for both of you to remember is that when the kids are grown and moved out, you'll still be a couple together. Even when it seems impossible, nurture your relationship. There are tons of couples out there who find themselves empty nesters with a near stranger; you don't want to let that happen. The baby is definitely very important in your life, but always remember that the two of you are a team.

Congratulations! You're entering a very exciting time in your family. There will be tough times, and there will be times that make either or both of you want to pull your hair out. Remember the cliche: This too shall pass. It's a cliche because it's true. When my daughter was in the Terrible Twos (and again as a teenager), this too shall pass became my mantra. I had lots of days that it was the only way I could keep my sanity.

Thank you so much for that reply. I'm speechless at all of the responses and amazing advice.
You're all such amazing people and by the sounds of it amazing parents too.

Again, thanks to every one of you.

Bugsy

 

[Eilan]

Stay at home moms frequently feel like they don't get enough adult conversation; it's good for her to be able to have a little time away from baby so that she can remember she is an intelligent adult.

I became a SAHM after my youngest was born, and non-spousal adult conversation was one of the things I craved and one of the things I missed most about my job. I so looked forward to my monthly book group meetings. I love my husband so much, and he's one of the smartest guys I know, but I also wanted to talk to someone else once in a while.

And then there was the time I took my mom to a doctor's appointment after her cancer diagnosis, and asked her, "Do you have to pee before we get back in the car?" when we stopped for lunch on the way home. Yup. Too much time around the little ones.

 

[box13]

Trust me on this. THE MORE YOU DO, the more likely you are to get your sex life back.

After working full-time, driving kids to school and daycare, making dinner half the time at least; I'd say chances are 50/50, or less, so best of luck. I say knock sex off the top of your list, go find something else to with your time, read some good stories on Lit, etc. Nothing wrong with a good coping strategy!

And then there was the time I took my mom to a doctor's appointment after her cancer diagnosis, and asked her, "Do you have to pee before we get back in the car?" when we stopped for lunch on the way home. Yup. Too much time around the little ones.

This is very sweet. And I think it just shows how much you care and how worried you were.