Returing member who needs a little help delving back into scene....

[Gilroygal69]

Returning member who needs a little help delving back into scene....

Hi everyone. I used to post here occasionally a couple of years ago when my husband and I were just starting to explore the BDSM scene. It was something both of us had been interested in, but neither of us knew how to approach the other. Once we opened up, it became really exciting. But just as we were starting to get comfortable sharing our darker and what we felt to be "taboo" thoughts and then exploring them together....I experienced some health issues that necessitated medication. That medication, along with a huge amount of stress, completely and totally ZAPPED my sex drive.

And worse than being uninterested, I was actually repulsed by the idea of sex in general. After several incredibly demoralizing encounters where I submitted just because I felt so damned guilty that my poor husband (who was incredibly patient and supportive during this time) was being deprived of something he really valued...GOOD SEX...I said "no more". It was just awful and made me want to cry and I couldn't bear it. I felt that no sex at all was better than that. So although we hadn't been having sex regularly for quite some time but we had been having some. But after that, we had none at all for six months.

So, fast forward, my health has improved, I have gotten off all medication, and it seems that my sex drive is returning. YAY!! But...the vibe between us is kind of weird. We are back at square one, it seems. We feel shy and timid with each other. I just don't know how to get back to where we were before. Or if we should, really. Maybe we need to start with the vanilla stuff again and progress as we feel comfortable, just like we did the first time.

The problem is...I don't really want to. I want that nasty, naughty, down and dirty, hardcore and deeply satisfying sex that we used to have.

Thoughts and advice appreciated if you have any. If not, I look forward to joining in the discussions again, and maybe finding some inspiration here.

Gilroygal :?)

 

[CBM514]

Have you asked him what he is ready to get back to? I think that you will both want to be on the same page and if he is as you describe, he may be holding back a little and not wanting to rush you...the vibe may be for a number of reasons...I wouldn't assume you know why though...I've found that many times the stories we tell ourselves about how other people feel aren't actually reality.

I would start by asking the question and seeing how he replies.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

 

[Gilroygal69]

Thanks for your reply! I know, you would think that's the most logical thing to do, but that's easier said than done for me. I grew up in a very sexually conservative environment and so, it's hard for me to verbalize my feelings when it comes to sex. I was getting better at it before that little glitch. But now I've regressed a bit. And yes, you're absolutely right, that often what we think the other person is thinking is nowhere near as awful as we imagine.

 

[JM100]

Some might think this approach may not be the way to go about it, but what if you were proactive about it. By proactive, I mean could you spend the day at home, while your partner was off at work... You edge all day, and when you know he'll be home soon, you're already on the bed naked, masturbating and he walks in. That would open him up and can give you a good indication of what he is thinking. But then you may also want to prepare yourself to say, you want him, to take you, now...

This was just the first thing that sprung to my mind, so there it is.

For the record, I'm sorry that the health issue got in the way and more importantly, really happy knowing it's gone and you're getting back to your usual self. So kudos to you!

 

[bibcat]

I know, you would think that's the most logical thing to do, but that's easier said than done for me. I grew up in a very sexually conservative environment and so, it's hard for me to verbalize my feelings when it comes to sex.

I often have a difficult time verbalizing, especially when I'm the one initiating the conversation. Sometimes writing my concerns down and then giving them to whomever I need to talk to helps. Text gives me more time to think about what I want to say and lets the recipient have their knee-jerk response without causing further problems. Maybe sending your husband a link to this thread would be a good first step.

 

[Gilroygal69]

YES! The edging does work well, as does text and IM. I'm much more open about what I need/want when I'm not looking him in the eye. That's totally nutso I know, and I probably need therapy of some kind. I'm going to start trying those things again. Thanks!

 

[Allyourbase]

I'm much more open about what I need/want when I'm not looking him in the eye. That's totally nutso I know, and I probably need therapy of some kind.

I have a similar thing - I switch to English when I want to say something that maybe I can't in my own language. Gives me just enough distance. I'm not getting therapy for that though. (I'd have to switch to English there half the time as well, I'm afraid ) Besides, he does it too.

 

[seela]

I have a similar thing - I switch to English when I want to say something that maybe I can't in my own language. Gives me just enough distance. I'm not getting therapy for that though. (I'd have to switch to English there half the time as well, I'm afraid ) Besides, he does it too.

Ooh, I do that sometimes, too. And I alphabetize. Well, used to anyways.

 

[Allyourbase]

Ooh, I do that sometimes, too. And I alphabetize. Well, used to anyways.

Alphabetize?

 

[seela]

Alphabetize?

I alphabetize the issues I need to address.

 

[Allyourbase]

I alphabetize the issues I need to address.

Really! In stead of numbering! Wow, now that I know someone does that, I might... start doing that.

 

[Gilroygal69]

Thanks! You have both made me feel better about my inability to verbalize my desires. I'm 44 years old for heaven's sake. I have children who are nearly grown. In my job, I am an authority figure and a leader. So why the heck can't I tell my husband of twenty years what I want in the bedroom even though I know he's into it too and willing to try anything??? Nutso.