Responsibility

[FungiUg]

It's funny, but I always imagined that being Dominant was about letting go and making that "it's all about ME" feeling come true.

It seems to me that this is not the case. That in fact, I don't enjoy just walking all over a submissive. I have to know she is enjoying herself, that she trusts me, and in so doing, becomes willing to do whatever I want of her.

And with that comes responsibility. I end up finding that as a Dominant, I am often in a "protective" and "organisational" headspace, but also that I find myself having to deal with my responsibilities and ethics.

Here's an example. My lover and I have an ex-submissive who we both adore. I am sure that even now, I could ring her up and make her cum with just an instruction. And while I would enjoy doing that, I never have.

Why? Because it would fuck up her new relationship big time. And I like her to much to fuck her up like that.

So while on one hand I have desire, on the other hand I have responsibilities.

Does that make sense? Has anyone else found that there's not this "black and white" feeling of "I can do whatever I like", but a whole melange of in-between stuff like responsibility and ethics?

Are there situations where you would deliberately hold yourself back from doing what you want to do?

 

[WriterDom]

Yes, I think about responsibility much more than I did in the beginning.

 

[shy slave]

Fungiug

I think that means you are...normal.

Sorry to break this news to you.

Responsibilty is jigsawed with respect. If you had had no, or little respect, for the sub (ex or otherwise) you would not give a damn about how it messed her mind up; you would simply be interested in YOU, YOU YOU.

Wannabe Doms appear to be bigger meglomaniacs than the real thing.

Ethics is an interesting concept when looking at areas of BDSM. I am guessing there is a thread on here somewhere about ethics either specific to one area or as a general debate.

To my mind it is the PYL's who would mess up her mind without thinking through the consequence that help to have the lifestyle judged in a bad light by others.

There are so many areas of similiarity between vanilla & PYL/pyl and having a conscience about the end result for the other person is one of them.

As a sub, I cannot instantly think of a situation that I have held back on due to the grey areas that are directly linked to your example.

I think a PYL would have more success in identifying times that are not strictly black & white.

Looking forward to other posts and reading any ethical debates that transpire x

 

[fallon2]

I know exactly

I know exactly what you mean.

That is why we are the Good Masters.



Funny you should mention an ex sub . . . I too, am concerned about one and her relationship with another . . .

Good thread, F!

 

[Betticus]

It's a good thing that I'm here reading up and asking questions. I'd hate to think I knew what I was doing and go mess up because I was ignorant of what is really going on. Mistaking some kind of fantasy for the real world and all that stuff.

It's good to know that I'm not the only one that feels the same way about the responsibility and respect portion of this. Gives me a little more confidence that I'm doing the right thing.

Thanks for posting this.

 

[kitty4ever]

I believe that Dom/me's take on a huge responsibility in accepting another's submission. D/s is all about trust. I have to trust a Dom to submit. I could not do it with someone that I did not know and trust already.

 

[FungiUg]

Oh my god, I'm normal? All my self-illusions are shattered!

Yeah, I think there has to be a definate relationship between trust on one hand, and responsibility on the other. I guess giving your trust to someone who will abuse it just... ain't right.

Thanks for the comments. Does anyone struggle with the responsibility thing? Like "Damn, I so want to do this, but I know that if I do I will regret it"...?

 

[Netzach]

It's funny, but I always imagined that being Dominant was about letting go and making that "it's all about ME" feeling come true.

It seems to me that this is not the case. That in fact, I don't enjoy just walking all over a submissive. I have to know she is enjoying herself, that she trusts me, and in so doing, becomes willing to do whatever I want of her.

And with that comes responsibility. I end up finding that as a Dominant, I am often in a "protective" and "organisational" headspace, but also that I find myself having to deal with my responsibilities and ethics.

Here's an example. My lover and I have an ex-submissive who we both adore. I am sure that even now, I could ring her up and make her cum with just an instruction. And while I would enjoy doing that, I never have.

Why? Because it would fuck up her new relationship big time. And I like her to much to fuck her up like that.

So while on one hand I have desire, on the other hand I have responsibilities.

Does that make sense? Has anyone else found that there's not this "black and white" feeling of "I can do whatever I like", but a whole melange of in-between stuff like responsibility and ethics?

Are there situations where you would deliberately hold yourself back from doing what you want to do?

Constantly.

Maybe I'm not breaking through in some necessary way, but I would rather err on the side of good karma.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Although I think of myself as more or less responsible; I tend to err on the side of-- making that "it's all about ME" feeling come true.--

In a mature, straightforward, open, honest, well-balanced way of course. Still, make no mistake: it has always been all about me and will always be so.

 

[MissTaken]

Well, I think you can balance "it's all about me" with the responsibility of taking another to places unknown.

What was that line in Spiderman?

"With great power comes great responsibility"


(Or something like that)

 

[FungiUg]

I thought of another example, which I'm sure effects most of us. Condoms.

The fantasy is to not have to use them, right? But how many of us really push NOT to use them? It's like being responsible for our own health and safety as well as those we play with.

So there's this grey area when fantasy meets reality, and we make compromises. We take responsibility. So is that part of being dominant, or does responsibility vary from dominant to submissive? Is it something that everyone needs to do?

 

[A Desert Rose]

I thought of another example, which I'm sure effects most of us. Condoms.

The fantasy is to not have to use them, right? But how many of us really push NOT to use them? It's like being responsible for our own health and safety as well as those we play with.

So there's this grey area when fantasy meets reality, and we make compromises. We take responsibility. So is that part of being dominant, or does responsibility vary from dominant to submissive? Is it something that everyone needs to do?

Yes.

 

[FungiUg]

Yes.

Enlightened I am. Spanked you will be.

 

[Etoile]

It is all about the dom...but that's the sub's responsibility! The submissive is responsible for the dom's pleasure and meeting expectations...meanwhile, the dominant is responsible for taking care of the submissive and keeping safety first.

 

[fyrehardt]

To me, it's all about trust....i trust Him to take care of me if i need him, He trusts me to be there for him and do what he says. i trust Him to keep my best interests in mind at all times, He trusts me to tell Him if i need something from Him. We are responsible for each others' happiness.

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

When I first got into BDSM, I was taught that the dom/me was ultimately responsible for the sub. I didn't feel I was ready for that then, even though I was told I had definite dominant tendencies.

I still believe that the dom/me has to be responsible; we're all familiar with dom-abusers, but even a dom/me who cares but is irresponsbile is putting the sub in danger. Unfortunately, I've seen this and neither the dom/me nor the sub would listen until it was too late.

As for me, a lot has happened since I was first told I tended toward dominance but refused to such responsibility. I don't mean to belittle the task of caring for one' subs, not at all, but compared to caring for one's relatives as they're dying from disease, it seems mild by comparison now. I guess it was after I recovered from that I knew I was ready.

 

[Richard49]

Some good points have already been made here

IMHO what seperates a true Dom from a player
is responsiblity ..................

One thing a resposible person does NOT say is
"I can not help it so and so made the decision"
or
"There is nothing I can do................."

D/s is about the exchange of power
in an exchange there is responisblity on both sides
in a power exchange the welfair of the other
has to be keep in the equation


BTW one of three componets to addiction is
"it's all about me"
self obcession

 

[Rugor]

To me, responsibility is vital.

I'm Master, she's property. (and yes I do respect this piece of property). If I don't take proper care of My property I don't deserve to have her.

I want a sub I can be proud of, otherwise why have her? And as she will be reading these words, I am proud of her. At the same time I require that she have respect for and take pride in me. So that means I have to work too.

I call submission a "precious gift," and in order to be offered that, because it should be first offered and not taken, one has to be worthy of it. The power a Dom/me has over a sub is immense, and I really wonder about those who don't see the responsibility it entails.

Some may put that further up or down the list than others, but I really do think that if a Dom/me doesn't at least recognize it then they aren't really what I call a Dom/me. They may be some other kind of Top. possibly a Sadist, but not what I would consider a Dom/me.

Who knows, I may have a touch of the "Daddy Dom" from the other thread.

 

[ethereal~minx]

there is responsibility on both sides in any relationship, no?
even in a relationship that is not a relationship where each person says "I am in a d/s relationship/ a committed relationship/ a sexual relationship etc with you and these are the parameters"

if you are interacting with anyone on a regular basis, it is a relationship of what it is. there is responsibility on both sides. it is nice to imply responsibility and an enlightened person, a kind person, a benevolent person, "a good dom" considers their impact but really, isn't responsibility ultimately in each participants own hands?

I want sooo much to believe "He" is responsible for allowing me to grow, to be fulfilled, to be happy, to be down, to be sad, to be taken advantage of.. but why? so I wouldn't have to?

I have thought about my first dom. He just woke me up to my potential power. It is the best thing that ever happened to me. ....especially when I'm feeling good about what I've learned.

but the times when I am down and sad & feeling crazy & vulnerable and taken advantage of and mind controlled, I hate the day I interacted with him. it doesn't last long.

it's NOT HIS responsibility.

I soooo appreciate the person that CONSIDERS the other person and I pray I interact with someone that sees beyond themselves enough to care about me that much...
they are few and far between I've learned. because of this too I've learned to know myself better. .....

reality doesn't suck but it is painful waking up. they are not responsible for us & our well-being. we are. *heavy sigh*

 

[FungiUg]

Yes, there's a gem of truth there, minx. We are responsible for our selves.

But that doesn't stop me from feeling a sense of responsibillity about how I choose to deal with a submissive. Does that make sense? It is my own choices and actions for which I am responsible, sure. But I choose not to do things I know will fuck someone else up (in a bad way.)

 

[ethereal~minx]

Yes, there's a gem of truth there, minx. We are responsible for our selves.

But that doesn't stop me from feeling a sense of responsibillity about how I choose to deal with a submissive. Does that make sense? It is my own choices and actions for which I am responsible, sure. But I choose not to do things I know will fuck someone else up (in a bad way.)

yes yes it makes sense and I didn't mean to miss your point.

 

[FungiUg]

No, actually, I thought you were clarifying a part of what is still (I admit) a bit of a mental muddle for me.

We ARE responsible for ourselves. But we can FEEL responsible toward others. And we can ACT that way.

 

[Richard49]

I believe
this is just me
that we have a responsiblity of our actions as they may effect another .......................

I am sick of hearing shit like
"I have no responsiblity for how what I do effects you. How it effects you is your own reaction"

man oh man

I will shut up
and move aside

 

[Rugor]

Any actions taken by my will are my responsibility, whether by my hand or that of one in submission to me.

If I affect someone so much that they follow my will, act as my agent, then I am responsible at least in part for their actions. If she's wholly responsible for her actions to my will, where's my dominance? The whole point of domination is that I am obeyed. So of course I bear responsibility.

 

[serijules]

I recently discovered this feeling myself, as a submissive no less. I am not allowed to sexually service my Domme due to limits of her own in other relationships. This drives me insane...I want to be forced to my knees with her hands wrapped in my hair and my tongue showing my gratitude. Some situations make it extremely hard to hold back...like when she is laying naked with me, or if I were to shave her (something I know she intends to have me do), etc. I can't tell you how hard it is to not want to just say "screw the other limits!" and beg her to let me touch her and pleasure her, to *try* to break her willpower. But alas, I don't. It wouldn't be respectful in the least, nor very responsible.

I do feel also, that while it is the Doms responsibility to keep the sub safe, this is not a one sided issue any more than any other aspect of power exchange is...it is ultimately the sub's responsibility as well, to make sure they stay safe by communicating their limits, reactions, and enforcing their power if things do go wrong. It is a nice fantasy to turn over total power and control to another, but it is not very practical nor very fair to expect the dominant to be a mind reader...I think far too many subs tend to fall into this trap and have such adoration and respect for their topply figure that they forget or ignore their own responsibility in the name of submission.