Respond with Monty Python

[VoraciousValue]

Inflammation of the foreskin/Reminds me of your smile/I've had balanital chancroids/ For quite a little while /I gave my heart to NSU/That lovely night in June/I ache for you, my darling/And I hope you get well soon

My penile warts, your herpes/My syphilitic sore/Your monilial infection/How I miss you more and more/Your Dhobi's itch, my scrumpox/Our lovely gonorrhea/At least we both were lying/When we said that we were clear

 

[VoraciousValue]

"You don't invent diseases, they're discovered."
"Like Africa!"
"You can't catch Africa! You'd have to be enormous to harbor such an infection. To catch Africa would require a woman sixteen times the size of Jupiter!"

 

[Hornblende]

Customer: Hello, I would like to buy a fish license, please.

Shopkeeper: A what?

C: A license for my pet fish, Eric.

S: How did you know my name was Eric?

C: No no no, my fish's name is Eric, Eric the fish. He's an halibut.

S: What?

C: He is...an...halibut.

S: You've got a pet halibut?

C: Yes. I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too flat.

 

[Kitschshaman]

And now for something completely different, a man who can give a cat influenza...

 

[HBergeron]

“Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!”

 

[Hornblende]

Interviewer: Good evening. I have with me in the studio tonight one of the country's leading skin specialists - Raymond Luxury Yacht.

Raymond: That's not my name.

Interviewer: I'm sorry - Raymond Luxury Yach-t.

Raymond: No, no, no - it's spelt Raymond Luxury Yach-t, but it's pronounced 'Throatwobbler Mangrove'.

Interviewer: You're a very silly man and I'm not going to interview you.

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me,

I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you.

 

[Hornblende]

She: I've got Thomas Hardy in the bedroom. I'd like you to look at him.

Inspector: Ah well, I can't touch him. He's a novelist.

She: Oh, he keeps mumbling all night.

Inspector: Oh well, novelists do, you see.

 

[VoraciousValue]

"Ah! We have Camembert, yessir."
"(surprised) You do! Excellent."
"Yessir. It's ah... it's a bit runny."
"Oh, I like it runny."
"Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir."
"No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!"
"I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir."
"I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed."
"Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)"
"What now?"
"The cat's eaten it."
"(pause) Has he?"
"She, sir."

 

[kurrginatorX]

And now for something completely different.

 

[VoraciousValue]

And now for something completely different.

A man with three buttocks.

 

[VoraciousValue]

And now we have trhe sound of John Denver being strangled.

“You came on my pillow ugh errr ahhh”

"The item which follows has been omitted on legal advice. . . ."

 

[L8tnIt]

Please walk this way
*proceeds to dip with every left step*

 

[EctoJohn]

I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.


*DUNN!*

NOBODY EXPECT THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

 

[VoraciousValue]

"Obviously, this is important in the field of germ warfare because we can now produce an almost infinite number of new diseases. We can make germs or bacteria (G-E-R-M-S) to order.

"Here in Britain, we have recently made a major breakthrough by producing a new, extremely large germ. A germ so large that it can kill a man by acts of physical violence. . . . We hope soon to develop a particularly virulent bacteria which can drive tanks, and a sophisticated form of cholera that goes to the opera twice a week and can choose a decent claret."

 

[Hornblende]

CHAPLAIN and CONGREGATION: [singing]

O Lord, please don't burn us.
Don't grill or toast Your flock.
Don't put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock.
Don't braise or bake or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok.
Oh, please don't lightly poach us
Or baste us with hot fat.
Don't fricassee or roast us
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick Thy servants, Lord,
In a Rotissomat.

 

[Kitschshaman]

and now for something completely different...a man with three buttocks...

 

[VoraciousValue]

"I think it's disgusting, you a member of Parliament!"

 

[85Ironman]

Always look on the bright side of life.

 

[Longnthickdaddy]

"I'm not dead yet!"

 

[Kitschshaman]

"I'm not dead yet!"

'He's very very sick.'

 

[Hornblende]

Interviewer: I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.

Stig: No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to buy his mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.

Interviewer: But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor.

Stig: (pause) Oh yeah, he did that.

 

[VoraciousValue]

Interviewer: I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.

Stig: No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to buy his mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.

Interviewer: But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor.

Stig: (pause) Oh yeah, he did that.

"So I decided to open a high-class nightclub for the gentry at Biggleswade. With international cuisine, and cooking, and top line acts, and not a cheap clip joint for picking up tarts--that was right out, I deny that completely. . . .

"SHUT THAT BLEEDING DOOR!!! Mother."

 

[Hornblende]

"So I decided to open a high-class nightclub for the gentry at Biggleswade. With international cuisine, and cooking, and top line acts, and not a cheap clip joint for picking up tarts--that was right out, I deny that completely. . . .

"SHUT THAT BLEEDING DOOR!!! Mother."

The llama is a quadruped which lives in big rivers like the Amazon. It has two ears, a heart, a forehead, and a beak for eating honey. But it is provided with fins for swimming.

 

[VoraciousValue]

(There now follows an appeal on behalf of extremely rich people who have absolutely nothing wrong with them.)

Hello. I'd like to talk to you tonight about a minority group of people who have no physical or mental handicaps, and who, through no fault of their own, have never been deprived, and consequently are forced to live in conditions of extreme luxury. . . .

I know it's only human to say, 'Oh this will never happen to me', and of course, it won't. I'm asking you, please, please, send no contributions, however large, to me.