Resentment vs. Ego?

[CelticFrog]

Okay. So I'll admit this is probably going to cause some rolled eyes and whatnot, especially since Ranger's a member here.

Still, I come to you today looking for advice.

Ranger and I have always had a hard time talking about sex. For several reasons, none of which really need to brought into account here.

Anyhow, I have been building a slow resentment lately with our sex life. It's not bad yet, but I have recently noticed it which means it has the potential to get that way without intervention.

(Go ahead and accuse me of trying to communicate with my husband through the board. I don't mind... that's what I need anyhow. Right along with your advice and help.)

This is going to sound mildly like the encourage new things thread, but it has a different twist. And will need a different approach. We've been slowly trying new things -- thanks for the help there, guys.

However, lately, to me sex seems like it's fallen into a rut. It started weeks ago, so Pooka's death in my opinion has little to do with it other than lessening both of our sex drives just a little bit.

Now, the sex is still enjoyable, I still orgasm, I still enjoy it, but before and afterwards I don't feel as content. And that bothers me.

Not only has the sex fallen into a bit of a rut despite my trying to take control more often (one of his requests) but I feel like some things I used to enjoy a lot are being done less carefully/patiently/whatever.

A good example would be anal sex. Now, it hasn't always been perfect, but it has been nice and I have achieved orgasm during it. The last two times, however... possibly more... have been really painful and I have felt like I wasn't warmed up to it, stretched properly, lubed enough, what have you. However, I have gritted my teeth and hidden the pain because I haven't wanted to harm his fragile ego or hurt his feelings.

From experience, I worry about saying anything about sex that would invoke feelings of dissatisfaction because he pulls away from sex with me and turns to porn and chatting (about what, I never know because he hides it from me). I'm sure you can imagine how this makes me feel unwanted and uncared for.

So. You've got the basic gist of it by now.

My quandary is this: I don't know how to have a conversation with Ranger to explain my position without making him defensive and distant. I have no clue how to reveal my occasional dissatisfaction and glum feelings without feeling guilty about being 'selfish' and 'demanding'.

I have tried my best to become more dominant in the bedroom. Doing that tends to make me uncomfortable, but I do it for him and his pleasure. After a while, I can get into it. As soon as I started doing that, though, he stopped being really dominant and now I feel lost.

I honestly don't know what to do here, and I'm desperate to resolve the situation before it turns into an explosive one. I don't need to get into an argument with him when everything else in our life is so screwed up, but I also can't afford to wait until the stress is gone because there will always be another stressor.

Does any of this make sense? Can anyone help?

Ang

 

[ahooohgah]

So how long have you two been together? Isn't it normal for things to always be in a state of change? Isn't it normal for things to go flat once in a while?

I wouldn't be too worried just yet, Ang, unless there's more to this story you haven't told. I'd say ask him what's up. Likely as not, it's just a phase.

Good luck!

 

[Bobmi357]

Well ok.... how about showing him your post and saying something like "Do you have any idea how I can approach you without you entering a firebase mentality?", then grin and zap him with a can of silly string. THEN SIT DOWN AND TALK ABOUT IT.

Sometimes we spend so much time dancing around our mates toes in fear of angering or hurting that the topic never comes up. There are all sorts of ways of approaching topics like this without invoking defensive feelings on the part of ABN.

You can try the playful approach like the one I first mentioned.

You can try the "I have a problem which I need help solving" approach.

The one approach you don't want to try is the one where you lay it all at his feet and then stand there, hands on your hips and say "What are you going to do about it?!?!?". Thats a surefire way to put someone on the defensive.

He's going to see your post sooner or later, if I were you, I'd point it out to him. Deliberately show it to him. And then run for the silly string... or a cream pie or throw a pillow at him whatever you both find funny.

The point is you perceive a problem, even if its in its infancy. And whether he likes it or not, the fact that you think its a problem, makes it a problem for both of you. Getting angry or defensive is a natural reaction, but neither of those emotions will help solve it.

And solving it is really what your post is all about. So find an ice breaker and break some ice in a way he doesn't expect it, and then talk to him about it. Make him understand that you're not attacking him, but only trying to solve a problem.

Getting someone to sit down and talk about a subject that they have always been reluctant to talk about is never easy. And I'm not about to attempt to crawl into ABN's head to understand why he won't talk to you about topics like sex.

Maybe instead of a confrontational face to face conversation you two could agree to write your thoughts down in journals and share them once a month.

I can't really say what the answer is for you because its different for every couple. What works for one couple doesn't always work for the next. I do think that the first step here is getting him to acknowledge that you perceive there is a problem, and that a problem for you means a problem for US. (meaning you and abn) Thats probably the hardest hurdle.

 

[midwestyankee]

It sounds like one of the factors here is in the subtle shift of your taking a more dominant role in the bedroom changing the dynamic of the relationship (at least behind that door).

Perhaps you could start by exploring that part together. As in, "I was wondering how you feel about it when I am really getting into being in control. What I feel about what I am doing is...."

Then it's not so much about evaluating the quality of the sex so much as discussing the dynamic of the relationship.

Just a thought from someone who has almost zero practical experience in these matters to pass on to anyone.

 

[Cazper]

I've always said that the most important part of any relationship is communication. As much as we all would love to be mind readers we never will be. So the only way we can know whats going on in our partners head is if they tell us. You need to figure out the best way to aproach the situation with him... whether it be the silly approach as was discussed above or a more serious one... you know your hubby and which will work out better. The only advice I can give is the talking about it. Hope things work out... I know it's better coming from you than if he finds out from others.

Good luck

 

[broken07]

This probably won't be of much help, but you could start the conversation by asking your husband how he feels your sex life has been lately? Does he enjoy it more or less then he used to? ETC.
Get a good idea of what is going through his head.

I hope you resolve this issue to the benefit of all parties involved.
Good luck.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

Bobmi is right. communicate. And show him this thread before he discovers it on his own. Being that you are a writer, there is a good chance that you write things better than you can say them. So show him this thread, and then try and move on to discussion.

 

[Guest]

Wow - a tough one

 

[CelticFrog]

Update

Okay, so I never made it back online yesterday as we went shopping and then played our new XBox game.

Ranger has seen this thread. And yep, I pointed it out to him before he found it and got angry. (I did THAT without any replies on here yet!!! )

There has been progress, although minimal because it hasn't come with much communication. However, the ice has been cracked and only needs a decent tap to break it. We will communicate, and if we get to go out tonight without the small young thing, that just might give us the opportunity. The alcohol couldn't hurt either, I'm sure.

I think in many ways he didn't realize what he was doing and my inability to bring it up for fear of his reaction didn't help. Hooch is right. It's not Ranger's or my responsibility to find the solution. It lies within the scope of US.

ahooogah -- we've been married for a touch over three years now, together for four. Although that may not seem like a long time, we've been through more in that span than a lot of couples will ever have to, thankfully. We have both been forced into a situation that causes serious issues.

The one place where we have a really hard time communicating now is sex. Through all of our 'stuff', we've had to learn how to communicate. That gets better every day. Now all that's left to really learn is communicating about our sex life. And we haven't quite figured that one out.

Hooch -- it was a shocker to me too, but after some pretty animated conversation with Sheath herself we decided that this might be the only way I could actually get help. After all, you are all incredible people who make good points and will give problems actual thought. And if you can help us become closer and communicate better, then it's worth it. And I'm sure it'll be worth it.

Brian -- you hit the nail right on the head. Talking is not my strongest suit, although I attempt it pretty often. Writing my emotions and feelings and thoughts is so much easier for me because I can articulate all of them in better detail and in a way that makes better sense. My fingers can type almost as fast as my brain thinks, and can edit out rude or attacking statements. My mouth, however, can't talk in sync with my brain and is missing an edit button.

MWY -- that's an interesting perspective, and one I'll have to look into. For the most part, it IS all about the dynamic. The dynamic has been turning to lazy and careless on both sides and that is not okay.

Talking about it. Sounds awesome in theory, but in practice it is nearly impossible. It's not just a matter of opening one's mouth and saying what is on one's mind. It is a matter of respecting feelings, understanding the other side, listening to what is said and not what is heard, not mind reading, trusting in the honesty of what you're being told, having faith in yourself to be completely honest, forming sentences in a nonattacking way, blah blah blah. I could go ON.

There is one thing I am absolutely certain of, and it is that this issue will get resolved in some way or another eventually. We've already made one step toward that, and as long as we keep moving forward instead of looking back and slipping down the stairs, we'll be okay. This isn't an elevator or an escalator. We can't just hop on and expect everything to be fixed with a little time. But we CAN walk up stairs and see how far we've come with each step. We CAN look up and see that the resolution is getting closer. We CAN see that the handrails are there to help us when we feel like stumbling, because our friends and therapists are here to help, just like we were put here to help each other as well. Our marriage isn't based on petty greed. It's based on love, respect, and the connection between our souls. There's no way we are going to let this tear us apart, not after coming this far.

Right now? The top of those stairs is a long way off, and I feel like we might as well be climbing the Statue of Liberty. But if I can take one step, I can take hundreds.

And that's what I'll do. All I can hope for is that he'll be taking those steps beside me.

Ang

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Hi, good to hear your latest, and good approach. I'm another who kept coming back and checking this thread but didn't know what to say.

One thought here -- it doesn't Always have to take forever to resolve things, even big things. And the size of the problem doesn't corelate with the size of the solution. (Something to consider so you don't scare yourself before you even get started, thinking something is insurmountable or getting tired at the amount of work ahead.) YMMV, of course, but we find that when we're both able to be calm and somewhat light, yet bluntly honest, we get there sooner. Sometimes the very thing you avoid saying because you think you'll hurt the other person either doesn't bother them, or turns out to be not the real issue once you bring it out, fearlessly, and confront it.

23 years here, and no one goes that long without going thru some stuff. My dh Hates to talk and I Love it, so we've had to figure out ways that respect both our needs. This is also part of how I came to find out that sometimes problems Don't take talking thru forever to resolve or are better met thru action.

Anyway, hugs to you both. (And thank you for what you both bring to these boards. )

PhoenixStone

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Okay, it sounds like there are a few issues here (that I am capable of commenting on, and many that I'm not capable of).

Let's begin with this: You two sound like you both enjoy a submissive role, or rather, that you like your partner to take charge. Generally, if you both insisted on the other being in charge, you'd butt heads all the time, and then nothing sexual would ever happen, for the simple reason that you'd neither one of you be interested.

You have taken a huge step and allowed yourself to become more dominant in the bedroom, CF, and kudos to you for that. When you enjoy a submissive role normally, that's a big step. However, you've stated that he has abandoned the dominant role since you took it up, and that you're feeling lost. I think maybe you two should come to an agreement to 'take turns'. One time, you'll take control, the next he will. That way you'll both get to be dominant and submissive, in more or less equal proportions, and you'll both find satisfaction in whatever role you enjoy more.

Secondly, I'm not an ego-stroker, and so I'm sure your husband is going to hate me for this next paragraph: why are you letting yourself feel short-changed? You say that you want to bring it up, but don't know how without feeling selfish and demanding. You are a whole human being. It is your right to ask for what you need of your partner. There should be no feelings of guilt for requesting sexual gratification, especially if you've gone out of your way to give it. You and I are very different here.. I am a naturally submissive person (I'm a switch, but I submit easier than I control), and yet I have always been able to voice what I want and need from a relationship. Generally, my partners have found ways to get EXACTLY what they want and need from me, but include activities that we both find mutually pleasing. Maybe I'm just lucky that I've found that, but I've had to do a lot of serious talking with some of them, to get them to pleasure me as I've done to them.
I'm going to reiterate here, I don't stroke egos. Penises, sure, egos, forget it. I don't fake orgasms, and I call my partner on it when I'm feeling something is wrong. If sex hurts, I say OW. And it has hurt, rather badly (just normal, missionary sex), in the past, and I see no reason in putting up with an unpleasant pain, for his own gratification. I'm sorry, I just don't. I say ow, we slow down, or grab more lube, or whatever needs to be done, and the situation is remedied. My partner doesn't have an ego that would be at all affected by me saying ow, and for that I'm very fortunate. He just asks what he can do to fix it, or if we need to switch positions, or whatever.

My partner will have no guff from me, either. If I'm giving him head, and that's just not doing it, he'll tell me so. He'll say soemthing like "tonight, that's just not what I need... I need X"... and generally, we work something out.. *shrug*


I don't much know what else to say on the issue of ego.. just to reiterate what I've said before: You have just as much a right to be pleasured and content as your husband does, and your and his egos should be put aside for the sake of creating a satisfying sexual experience.