Enchantment_of_Nyx
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 22, 2020
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I was wondering if anyone would be willing to look over a section from a short story I'm working on, and share their thoughts on tense/voice. My story's written in third-person POV, past tense. Although it's written in past tense, most of it's describing events as they occur, at least as far as the story is concerned.
The section in question describes events prior to the time the story is taking place. It's a recollection, but not in the sense of a flashback scene. It's one character revisiting a past event and describing it in an internal narrative monologue. I wrote it in the past tense in the passive voice, whereas the rest of the story is in the active voice. It sounded good that way for about a paragraph, and then it started grating on me. In my day job, anything written in the passive voice must be mercilessly yanked out by the roots, trampled under foot, and then maybe burned for good measure. I'm not sure if the section of my story in passive tense is bothering me because I'm used to murdering the passive voice where ever I find it, or if it's bothering me because it's just bad writing.
I rewrote the section to be primarily in the active voice, but with some passive sentences sprinkled around to reinforce the temporal relationship to the rest of the story. If you're willing to take a look, I'll e-mail you both versions. I want to know (1) if the passive voice used in that way is grating, or if it's just me, (2) if the version with the active voice interspersed with the occasional passive sentence works, or if that makes it feel inconsistent, and (3) if you think I ought to just write the whole thing exclusively in the active voice. I'd of course welcome any other feedback on the section, but those are the specific things I needed help with.
The section is about 2,400 words, or 4 single spaced pages in Calibri 11 point in Word. I guess it would probably be a little under half a Lit page. The story's not truly non-consent, but it's solidly in that category, and the section I need an opinion about would definitely not be something you'd want to read if the category bothers you.
Finally, is this an acceptable place to post this request, or should I have put it on the Story Feedback board? I wasn't sure, since it's not a completed story, and I'm looking for an author's perspective. If I get this right, this aspect should be entirely invisible to the reader. (I realize I'm already posting it here, but please let me know for the future!)
Please send me a private message if you're willing to review the section.
Thanks!
The section in question describes events prior to the time the story is taking place. It's a recollection, but not in the sense of a flashback scene. It's one character revisiting a past event and describing it in an internal narrative monologue. I wrote it in the past tense in the passive voice, whereas the rest of the story is in the active voice. It sounded good that way for about a paragraph, and then it started grating on me. In my day job, anything written in the passive voice must be mercilessly yanked out by the roots, trampled under foot, and then maybe burned for good measure. I'm not sure if the section of my story in passive tense is bothering me because I'm used to murdering the passive voice where ever I find it, or if it's bothering me because it's just bad writing.
I rewrote the section to be primarily in the active voice, but with some passive sentences sprinkled around to reinforce the temporal relationship to the rest of the story. If you're willing to take a look, I'll e-mail you both versions. I want to know (1) if the passive voice used in that way is grating, or if it's just me, (2) if the version with the active voice interspersed with the occasional passive sentence works, or if that makes it feel inconsistent, and (3) if you think I ought to just write the whole thing exclusively in the active voice. I'd of course welcome any other feedback on the section, but those are the specific things I needed help with.
The section is about 2,400 words, or 4 single spaced pages in Calibri 11 point in Word. I guess it would probably be a little under half a Lit page. The story's not truly non-consent, but it's solidly in that category, and the section I need an opinion about would definitely not be something you'd want to read if the category bothers you.
Finally, is this an acceptable place to post this request, or should I have put it on the Story Feedback board? I wasn't sure, since it's not a completed story, and I'm looking for an author's perspective. If I get this right, this aspect should be entirely invisible to the reader. (I realize I'm already posting it here, but please let me know for the future!)
Please send me a private message if you're willing to review the section.
Thanks!
