Request for story info

[stickygirl]

Please forgive my ignorance - imagination is my only tool at hand so I'm asking advice. I am writing a story where the two protagonists are female, they meet, have sex and one is a dom. She wants to express her feelings with the other woman, who goes along up to a point. Then the Dom finds that her need to be dominant evaporates.

Do doms 'regret' or find that their desires are driven by ...maybe something that happened to them earlier in life?

I'm trying to get myself into the dom's head. To understand where the need comes from and if, through the dynamic of the new relationship, the Dom realises their desires/needs stem are masking a deeper malaise that pushes them to express their desire that way? I really don't know, I'm not judging and I hope I'm not being disrespectful.

If there is a thread where this has been discussed I'd be really grateful if you could point me that way or if you'd like to PM, that's good too. Thanks in advance

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Please forgive my ignorance - imagination is my only tool at hand so I'm asking advice. I am writing a story where the two protagonists are female, they meet, have sex and one is a dom. She wants to express her feelings with the other woman, who goes along up to a point. Then the Dom finds that her need to be dominant evaporates.

Do doms 'regret' or find that their desires are driven by ...maybe something that happened to them earlier in life?

I'm trying to get myself into the dom's head. To understand where the need comes from and if, through the dynamic of the new relationship, the Dom realises their desires/needs stem are masking a deeper malaise that pushes them to express their desire that way? I really don't know, I'm not judging and I hope I'm not being disrespectful.

If there is a thread where this has been discussed I'd be really grateful if you could point me that way or if you'd like to PM, that's good too. Thanks in advance

What a fascinating topic.

Here is my take, and it’s just mine.

It’s good that you’re investigating this further if you want to more fully understand your characters’ motivations. That’s hard to do in any writing, and it’s definitely not my best thing.

The motivations, origins and desires behind D/s aren’t neat and monocausal. Why do you love blue but not red? Can you attribute it to something that happened to you when you were seven? Probably not.

Not to say that it couldn’t happen, but I think it strains believability for a character to suddenly realize that the totality of their dominant drives, desires, fantasies, relationships, rewards were because they’ve always been lonely or offish or depressed or their dad yelled at them or someone tied them down once playing superheroes. Sometimes this idea is prominent in bodice-ripping popular BDSM-themed romance stories: the Dom is broken but, with true love, realizes the origins of his dark obsessions and escapes them. Nope. People are a gumbo of experiences and motivations and I think that’s nowhere more true than in matters of sexuality.

I think that presumption also denies the truth, which is the vastly positive effects D/s and BDSM have on participants. D/s relationships, by their nature, tend to prioritize trust, communication and safety. There is also tremendous pleasure involved for kinksters. The rewards are great, so it’s not an orientation that can be understood as a tool for keeping demons at bay.

I don’t know if there are other resources on this board that might help. ToPleaseHim might be a person to ask. Good luck with the story!

 

[stickygirl]

Thanks Deep Green - you've got straight to the point, which I must is very inconvenient! I understand it's a complex issue, red vs blue so would another way around the problem? Would D/s only respond if the other person was up for it? Do they actively seek out Subs - I know there are hook-up sites for that, but what about organic relationships, where they've met by chance?

What id the D/s started out being Dom but then realised they were with someone who wasn't?

Great info though - thanks... I knew it wouldn't be easy!

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Thanks Deep Green - you've got straight to the point, which I must is very inconvenient! I understand it's a complex issue, red vs blue so would another way around the problem? Would D/s only respond if the other person was up for it? Do they actively seek out Subs - I know there are hook-up sites for that, but what about organic relationships, where they've met by chance?

What id the D/s started out being Dom but then realised they were with someone who wasn't?

Great info though - thanks... I knew it wouldn't be easy!

Would D/s only apply if the other person was up to it? Absolutely yes. Now, whether or not a person who is into BDSM would want to be with someone who is not is completely up to the person, but if they would try to force someone then they aren’t into BDSM, they are abusive. One of the main tenets of BDSM is to practice SSC: safe, sane, and consensual.

The answer to whether or not your character would choose a vanilla sex life to be with someone they love is really up to your character. Vanilla sex can be a lot of fun, of course, and maybe they have a very playful and fulfilling sex life without kink. It’s definitely possible. The fear would be that she feels like something is missing, so there would be a need to make sure she didn’t feel that way.

 

[stickygirl]

Would D/s only apply if the other person was up to it? Absolutely yes. Now, whether or not a person who is into BDSM would want to be with someone who is not is completely up to the person, but if they would try to force someone then they aren’t into BDSM, they are abusive. One of the main tenets of BDSM is to practice SSC: safe, sane, and consensual.

The answer to whether or not your character would choose a vanilla sex life to be with someone they love is really up to your character. Vanilla sex can be a lot of fun, of course, and maybe they have a very playful and fulfilling sex life without kink. It’s definitely possible. The fear would be that she feels like something is missing, so there would be a need to make sure she didn’t feel that way.

So the lack of shared Dom/Sub interest might introduce a tension into the relationship storyline? The sequence of stories I'm writing tends to have the central character having passionate affairs, then moving on, because the moving on provides a closure to that story.

It would be unkind to the D/s character if they were to walk away from the other woman just because she was too vanilla... or maybe not?!

Ha! It's easy to write a story where two people get together but I'm running out of ideas for them to part again! It's fun working them out but I may have to think of a different angle here...

 

[Mei5ter]

Please forgive my ignorance - imagination is my only tool at hand so I'm asking advice. I am writing a story where the two protagonists are female, they meet, have sex and one is a dom. She wants to express her feelings with the other woman, who goes along up to a point. Then the Dom finds that her need to be dominant evaporates.

Do doms 'regret' or find that their desires are driven by ...maybe something that happened to them earlier in life?

I'm trying to get myself into the dom's head. To understand where the need comes from and if, through the dynamic of the new relationship, the Dom realises their desires/needs stem are masking a deeper malaise that pushes them to express their desire that way? I really don't know, I'm not judging and I hope I'm not being disrespectful.

If there is a thread where this has been discussed I'd be really grateful if you could point me that way or if you'd like to PM, that's good too. Thanks in advance

My obsession with redheads and bondage definitely comes from being exposed to Scooby Doo as a kid. Daphne was a formative and seminal influence. But I live in hope that I can yet be cured when I meet the right vanilla Velma.

 

[Primalex]

I'm trying to get myself into the dom's head. To understand where the need comes from and if, through the dynamic of the new relationship, the Dom realises their desires/needs stem are masking a deeper malaise that pushes them to express their desire that way?

I would say:

Why not?


If some unresolved childhood issues can make you wash your hands 4 times in a row, why would it be unreasonable to have it just be an urge to be in control at all times?

 

[TarnishedPenny]

PM sent.

 

[stickygirl]

having read this thread while it has been evolving i think you're making your life as a writer here more complicated than it needs to be
D/s and any other kink-related relationships are just that: relationships - and they basically work just the same ways more vanilla relationships work
so don't ask: why would a D leave an s? but rather ask: why would this woman leave that woman?
most relationships end because the P/people involved have less in common than is needed to maintain the relationship (or O/one of T/them realising that)
and if you don't what her to come off as rude let her break up as kindly as possible and explain things to the other woman
hopefully my tuppence was a little helpful to you

That's a great reply - thank you.
I guess I was hoping, naively, that there would be a recognised "Oh yea, I've heard of that and it's called....' Life is always more complicated as you point out.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Please forgive my ignorance - imagination is my only tool at hand so I'm asking advice. I am writing a story where the two protagonists are female, they meet, have sex and one is a dom. She wants to express her feelings with the other woman, who goes along up to a point. Then the Dom finds that her need to be dominant evaporates.

Do doms 'regret' or find that their desires are driven by ...maybe something that happened to them earlier in life?

Seconding DGE's answer here, IME it's rare that it's so neatly explicable. Stories that do rationalise BDSM as the product of some formative life experience often end up pathologising it (a bit like "he's gay because he didn't have a strong father figure" etc.) and treating it as something to be "cured" by self-knowledge and growth, which doesn't match my experience at all.

Regret? Yes, for the usual reasons that people might regret stuff. Some play styles are incompatible - levels of pain, risk, humiliation etc. are common points of difference in BDSM, and it's not always the dom who wants more than the other partner's willing to give. "Topping from the bottom" can also be a problem.

Desire/domliness can evaporate for a bunch of reasons. For me, it takes confidence to top somebody, and things that undermine confidence can get me out of the mood very quickly.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I have a very good friend who also happens to be submissive. She looked for a Dom that could be a life partner for a long time and goid a relationship with a vanilla guy. She misses aspects of BDSM but it isn't a point of tension with them. They are happy.

I've been in a long term relationship with a Dom and we fit well on a lot of points but as far as kink he's more sensual and I like rougher stuff. But that is just one aspect of our relationship. I have a few other play partners who are also good friends where I get the rough stuff I need. One of the guys feels that it is really hard to be a living relationship and objectify/humiliate/etc. I think that is different for everyone though. I feel like some people can show love that way. Others can't. Nothing wrong with either way.

As far as having the tendencies to dominate or be submissive evaporate, I'm curious about others thoughts on that. For me, it's just a part of me. Even if I were in a vanilla relationship, I would probably still hope my partner would have final say on some things. I would of course give input. I'd probably give input in a kinky relationship just because I feel like I have to speak up when I have a problem. So ultimately it's still just a relationship.