Request for feedback - first story

[Martin_Connor]

I'd appreciate your feedback on my first story:
Martin_Connor
Mature
https://literotica.com/s/young-lust-1

A sexagenarian relearns about lust with several partners on the way to falling in love with a younger woman.

Excerpt:
She sat on one end of the couch and slid down, resting her head and shoulders against the arm. She spread her legs and teased her labia. The sun, coming in through one of the high windows, spotlighted her. She opened her pink lips with both hands and said, "Suck me. And use this," handing me a large, pink, realistic dildo.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congraluations on your first story. And it's a whopper, at 75k words its a substantian novel and its quite an achievement to get something like that finished (FWIW I'm currently stalled at 36k on my own book).

The problem is, it's also going to scare people off. I was looking for something to review, opening it happily and then immediately went 'whew, I don't know man' when I saw the number of pages. Still I gave it a go and reached to the end of page five.

What I was in principle looking for early on was a signal that this was going to something worth sinking 75k words of reading time into. The issue have with it so far is that I'm just not getting a real sense of drama from it, nor have I really formed an impression of how the story is going to develop over the remaining fifteen pages. There's a number of possible reasons for how I feel and I'll list them below.

1) Everything at the moment is a little too easy. Marty hasn't really had to do anything except go along with whatever is suggested (and since what has been suggested is mainly recieving blowjobs, why wouldn't he?) He hasn't really had to prove himself or step up in anyway so far - he's getting great sex for no particular reason at the moment. For an ex-CEO, I'd expect him to maybe be a bit more careful about agreeing to be in a porn movie or at least have some doubts about it, but it seems he's up for anything immediately.
2) Similarly arguments fizzle out for no particular reasons - yes, she filmed him having sex, but it was an accident and its all cool, yes she's on Zoom blowing another guy but its all cool, yes, they saw him kissing Madison, but they're not jealous, it's all cool.
3) Related to this, Marty is a bit of a blank slate character - which is fine in a shorter work, but I'm not sure its going to carry him over a work this length. It's not really clear why Marina or anyone likes him (apart from the fact he has great tasting cum and some other reasons she gives which are fairly shallow sexual stuff). He's mentioned that he's getting accustomed to being alone, so having a young sexpot girl is nice, but it didn't seem like he was particularly unhappy before.
4) But he's also a great fuck apparently, which is fine, but the sex descriptions so far don't really match up with his sexual history. From my reading he's supposed to have had four sexual partners in sixty years including two 'boring sex' marriages and a couple of one off encounters - and yet, while he's clearly enjoying the sex so far, I never got the impression he was getting his mind and heart completely blown (just his penis). There's elements of that here and there in conversation, but it seems like it should permiate the work a lot more.
5) Marty seems to have a number of characteristics that don't quite add up. He's sexually inactive but doesn't seem to have a problem talking to younger girls (see kissing Madison) and hangs out at restaurants cum strip-clubs and was also a CEO and thus wealthy. It seems a bit like the author-God has flipped the 'young girls like Marty' switch on the dashboard of the universe this morning and suddenly he's got everyone hungering after him. It doesn't really add up, but then we're never with Marty when he's not with one of the female characters and moments away from some sexual encounter so it's difficult to work it out.
6) So five pages in and I'm not seeing much of an arc for the story. There's a certain amount of tension between her just wanting sex and him wanting more, which I sense will for the resolution of the story. The problem with this is that Madison, at the moment, isn't much more that a very sexually available girl - don't get me wrong 'marry the girl who gives great blowjobs' isn't a necessarily the worst strategy in life, but I'm not seeing much more depth to her at the moment which would mean I'd want a happily ever after with the characters.


A lot of these issues would be a lot less bothersome to me in a shorter work, but as I was saying, you end up reading this kind of story very much with a view of wondering what's going to justify the length. The thing is, as a basic sexual fantasy of young girl accosts older guy on the trail and drags him back to her sex cottage, the first part of the story is perfectly good, hot even, so I hope this doesn't come across as too negative. It may well be that I've stopped just as something major is about to happen which might make some of my comments invalid. It's not that the writing is bad or anything, it's just overall feels a little shapeless to me at the moment.

 

[Martin_Connor]

Thanks for the feedback. It's definitely plot-lite. I had thought about serializing it - seems like that might help somewhat.

Your comments on the "everything's a little too easy" seems spot on. In my last read through, I thought there really needed to be more (some) conflict/resolution arcs.

Thanks again!

 

[TheRedChamber]

Thanks for the feedback. It's definitely plot-lite. I had thought about serializing it - seems like that might help somewhat.

Your comments on the "everything's a little too easy" seems spot on. In my last read through, I thought there really needed to be more (some) conflict/resolution arcs.

Thanks again!

Yes, serializing it might have been the way to go with it. I stopped just as the JOI part was starting and that could have been interesting as its not a type of porn I'm particularly familiar with - but I could see a new arc starting and I needed to get to work. The resolution is important I think because you have him hooking up with Marina and then hooking up with Joni and now presumably Madison as well, and the previous relationships aren't really stablized first as its made clear he's not evern really Marina's boyfriend. Putting his hook-ups with each into separate chapters could help and maybe have clearer time-skips between each of them.

One last thing, it's generally considered a little confusing to readers to have two characters with a name starting with the same letter in a story, you have Marina, Madison and (less important as male and the narrator) Marty.