...Remove the Guilt After Release...

[corkhusker]

I did not utilize the search function prior to writing this; my apologies if this has been talked about at length.

I am a 35 year old male who has dealt with guilt after cumming most of my life. (Note: This doesn't occur when I cum in my wife though.) While I'm sure the root cause might be religious (Catholic) or "moral" (married), it isn't like it is enough to curb my desires once the guilt subsides.

I want to know how to be happy with cumming on my own or with another partner (no...haven't done that yet...think about it constantly...of course, unless I cum thinking about it!

I didn't know if others have this issue and have conquered that mountain, or if there are other suggestions.

Please feel free to PM me, or respond how you see fit.

Thank you!

 

[temp256]

Have you talked to your wife about it? Maybe discussing it and getting her "approval" would help appease your psyche. Otherwise, you could try starting with your wife, and slowly making her more physically distant. This could be as simple as phone sex, and having her hang up earlier and earlier before your orgasm.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

vern interesting

How do you suppose you learned that an orgasm violates some moral dictum? Presuming, that is, that description is adequate. Somewhere, somehow, it was effectively drummed into you that a climax is sinful. Do you have any idea how that happened?
N

 

[corkhusker]

I should clarify that I don't have the guilt when I am with my wife....it's when I masturbate....

"Somewhere, somehow, it was effectively drummed into you that a climax is sinful. Do you have any idea how that happened?"

Very interesting question. Again, it's not anytime I climax, but your question is still valid. I honestly can't pinpoint a time. It's not like anyone pushed that sort of response, heck, I don't remember the "birds and the bees" talk. I actually know my dad would watch porn -- he didn't know we knew, but we had a satellite dish so one channel to all outlets -- I'd stay up late knowing he might put it on if mom was away....

 

[corkhusker]

I feel like the biggest freak here! I guess I am the only one that suffers from this.

 

[pplwatching]

I feel like the biggest freak here! I guess I am the only one that suffers from this.

No, you are not a freak.

My own walk of faith has been debated here before, but to simplify things I'll summarize and say that I was raised Catholic. I am probably far from the best person for this, but since no one else has stepped up I am willing to.

I think that it may help to for you to better define and explain what you mean by guilt. In my own experience the let-down after masturbating has nothing to do with religious theology. I have always felt a sense of incompleteness, sometimes profound after solo play. From an early age I was able to pin it down to a feeling of loss that I wasn't able to share that moment with someone else. It simply felt incomplete. I wish I could describe it better.

In the context of marriage the Catholic Church is very sex-positive. The Catechism of the Catholic Church says : "Since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man." In other words, the Catholic church believes that married sex is a physical manifestation of God's love. In that sense, your guiltless sex with your wife may be something that you've been taught. It might also be something else, in my experience.

Sex with girlfriends before marriage was great and satisfied that longing, but it wasn't until I got married that sex became a truly fulfilling experience. After I got married I always longed to be connected to my wife sexually, and that included when I masturbated. No two people share the same drive, and I have flown solo my share of times. Even now what I feel after a solo orgasm is not guilt, but a sometimes deep sense of loss that she isn't here. The litmus test for me was when she would help me masturbate. At some point when she was not sexually available I asked her to help me, and she did with lots of nibbles and kisses. That was the first of many times where I have felt complete after masturbating; when she's been there with me.

I suppose it could be argued that my upbringing influenced those feelings in spite of where my walk has taken me. I don't think so, but if that's true then I am glad that it did. It motivates me to stay connected to my wife and drives me to make sex as profound for her as it is for me.

Even if you have somehow come to hold more faithfully than I have to the Church's teachings, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. If you want to try to change it, that's your choice but there's no reason you have to. You are who you are, and sometimes figuring that out is the path to a more fulfilling life than overcoming a perception of 'sexual brainwashing'.

I don't know if that helps, but I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

what he said

What pplwatching said makes a WHOLE lot of sense to me. 'Course, I'm not going through the feelings of guilt. The most important question is whether it makes sense to OP and, if so, how does he respond.
With the additional comments by OP, how do you suppose you learned that sexual release was acceptable with your wife but not without? Not very many years ago, it would have been difficult for me to believe something other than training instilled that. Now? I'm not so sure. The human mind is so dad gum intricate, delicate, balanced, or un-balanced, that maybe that feeling just "got there."
You DO realize that a huge preponderance of the populations masturbates, right? That both men and women do so? That the behavior is not limited to humans? Can you identify the feelings of guilt with more detail? Would it, for instance, make a difference do you think if you wife watched? Participated? Said it was OK?
N

 

[corkhusker]

pplwatching may have put it exactly the way I feel...the difference being, I think he's a much better guy than I am!

I think about the nastiest stuff and it makes the build up so intense.....the release is great, but maybe it is the letdown/emptiness that follows which gets me. So, the letdown makes the "nasty" fantasy seem even more awful....I'll swear it off until the next time I get horny. I have had phone sex where I'll tell them that I love my wife and that was just a fantasy -- like they didn't know it already, but might give you an idea of that feeling which comes up.

 

[pplwatching]

The nastiest fantasies usually have the biggest pop, that's for sure. I've never really thought about wether they have the biggest let down. I guess I never worry about wether a fantasy is good, bad, or indifferent. But yes, 'emptiness' is a good way to describe the feeling. Sex with my wife definitely fills the void and completes me.

One of the most difficult things for me was learning that my wife can be trusted with fantasies that I wouldn't have figured she'd be so understanding about. I guess I have good communication to thank for that. I've been slowly opening up to her, which helps with the sexual connection ... and some things are better experienced than fantasized.

You didn't ask my opinion about the phone sex, so all I'll say is that I suspect there may be real guilt there.

pplwatching may have put it exactly the way I feel...the difference being, I think he's a much better guy than I am!

I think about the nastiest stuff and it makes the build up so intense.....the release is great, but maybe it is the letdown/emptiness that follows which gets me. So, the letdown makes the "nasty" fantasy seem even more awful....I'll swear it off until the next time I get horny. I have had phone sex where I'll tell them that I love my wife and that was just a fantasy -- like they didn't know it already, but might give you an idea of that feeling which comes up.

 

[Tmmldr]

I did not utilize the search function prior to writing this; my apologies if this has been talked about at length.

I am a 35 year old male who has dealt with guilt after cumming most of my life. (Note: This doesn't occur when I cum in my wife though.) While I'm sure the root cause might be religious (Catholic) or "moral" (married), it isn't like it is enough to curb my desires once the guilt subsides.

I want to know how to be happy with cumming on my own or with another partner (no...haven't done that yet...think about it constantly...of course, unless I cum thinking about it!

I didn't know if others have this issue and have conquered that mountain, or if there are other suggestions.

Please feel free to PM me, or respond how you see fit.

Thank you!

Does your wife jerk you off? Have you ever pulled out and jerked off on her? How about oral sex where you hold your cock?

I ask because these are all things that merge the two extremes that you have mentioned, and once if they were merged, there would seem be no difference or guilt on one or the other. Your wife would have "approved".

 

[ucleebo]

No surprise that masturbation brings on guilt feelings to someone who was raised Catholic (like me). The official church teaching (which I just checked & confirmed that it hasn't changed) is that masturbation is a sinful act. It goes back to the Old Testament story of Onan, who was struck dead when he spilled his seed on the ground. (Also sinful are pre-marital sex, and homosexual sex; sex is approved only between a man and a woman within the confines of marriage, and then reflects the love of God.) Even in the confines of marriage, only PIV sex is approved; foreplay can involve anything sexual done by mutual consent (oral or whatever) but the male must ejaculate in the vagina.
Note that most of the rules are written about a male's ability to plant seed in the woman; there don't appear to be a whole lot of rules directed at women, although one must assume that the teaching abjuring masturbation applies equally to women. The Catholic Church hierarchy, after all, is strictly male, and is steeped in the Roman notion of pater familias, or male preeminence.
Since the church hierarchy is celibate, and has been officially since the 12th century, it probably seems strange to most non-Catholics that guys who don't play the game get to make the rules.

 

[Tmmldr]

Well.....that set of church teachings probably has more to do with political stuff during the ages of kings than some phrases written in a fat book. Some king decided that he'd create the most babies by modifying the culture to disaprove of every type of sex that didn't produce more babies. This in turn may actually have given his country a competitive advantage against the neighboring warlords as when it came time to fight they had more fighters.

Similarly, one way to attempt to become a dominant religion is to engineer the culture so your religion is more fertile than it's competitors. A 1% difference in fertility rate over 50 years yields a 64% difference in population size. Not only may dominance have been of concern, but simple survival too...

 

[ucleebo]

It's a lot older than that. It goes back to the Old Testament direction from God to "go forth and multiply."