Reluctant spouse...again

[curlygirly32]

I found this same question asked in this forum, so I apologize for asking it again, but hoping for some fresh perspectives. I am married, and my husband has shown some interest in the past, he has at times even made us some toys/furniture (woodworker). But it comes and goes, and now it's been gone for a long time.

Overall, sexually, he does not have the same drive I do. Don't know why that is, don't know that I can change that. I knew that when I married him. I have had a past D/s relationship which was very satisfying sexually...I told myself that perhaps that would come along in time with him. Because other parts of the relationship were hugely positive.

How can I motivate him to show an interest (in sex or in being dominant)? I'm hoping some men here can tell me what would motivate them...could I share stories (my own or others), pictures? books? buy myself toys and share?

I feel endlessly caught in the problem, since I really yearn to be dominated, and I feel horrible when I have to initiate, explain what I want...last week I told him I had written a story, expecting that he'd want to read it. No response.

 

[chris9]

To say the truth, that does not sound so much like a problem dominating, but -like you said- interest in sex. Maybe you can talk with him, ask him if there is anything more stressful, if he has any worries he might not have told you about. There are some things that can make him lose his sex-drive.
I don't know how old you are, but I read that men lose interest when it peeks for women I don't really know how to interest him again. But maybe you need to spend more time with each other, and without anybody else, work, family to just talk and be first for each other.
I don't really think (and note that this is only the impression I got from reading your post, so I could be way off) that it helps to push your stories or anything farther, it might just build pressure that he doesn't know how to deal with at the moment. If he were interested, he would have signalled so when you told him about the story.

 

[sumview]

I agree ... see if there is any other outside problems that are overriding his personal space. For me work problems and $$$$$ problems are a big factor.
There are a number of treatable medical problems that might or might not apply.
You say he has shown some interest in the past, look back on those and see what was different then than now. Try to move the marrage to that type of time.
All else fails ask him to try some of the new meds for it mood enhansers/viagra/etc.
Good Luck.
sumview

 

[curlygirly32]

Thank you for the thoughts. We're both 32. Perhaps it could just be a matter of age. Of course, we're all tired from work, family, etc. but his malaise seems to be limited to sex.

I will try to talk with him at some opportune moment.

 

[mdiaz451]

Some casual suggestions: get him a little drunk - it increases testosterone a bit and he may show more interest, plus be less inhibited. More than 2-3 drinks might cause even less interest, though - check out info on that online...

Get him a testosterone patch, or shots through an MD. Yes, he'll become a bit of a knuckle dragger, but he'll also want to fuck your brains out - assuming he recognizes the signs.

 

[BadBoyA]

I found this same question asked in this forum, so I apologize for asking it again, but hoping for some fresh perspectives. I am married, and my husband has shown some interest in the past, he has at times even made us some toys/furniture (woodworker). But it comes and goes, and now it's been gone for a long time.

Overall, sexually, he does not have the same drive I do. Don't know why that is, don't know that I can change that. I knew that when I married him. I have had a past D/s relationship which was very satisfying sexually...I told myself that perhaps that would come along in time with him. Because other parts of the relationship were hugely positive.

How can I motivate him to show an interest (in sex or in being dominant)? I'm hoping some men here can tell me what would motivate them...could I share stories (my own or others), pictures? books? buy myself toys and share?

I feel endlessly caught in the problem, since I really yearn to be dominated, and I feel horrible when I have to initiate, explain what I want...last week I told him I had written a story, expecting that he'd want to read it. No response.

You can't turn your husband into a Dom. Either he is or he isn't and if he isn't, all the books, movies, and toys will not change him. Don't blame him when you knew he wasn't Dom when you married him hoping he would change.
As for disinterest in sex, there may be any number of possible causes, from health to emotional issues. Anything from being overweight to stress can adversely affect sex drive.
The best place to start is with a complete physical.

 

[chris9]

Thank you for the thoughts. We're both 32. Perhaps it could just be a matter of age. Of course, we're all tired from work, family, etc. but his malaise seems to be limited to sex.

I will try to talk with him at some opportune moment.

Talking is a really good idea! Start talking with him about you wanting sex and him not wanting and why.
That's probably going to wield the most success, because trying to seduce him (lingerie, getting him drunk, buying great toys) might just leave you VERY frustrasted if he doesn't respond and will probably make him feel guilty.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I would encourage talking, but as you say he had a low sex drive and you were aware of it before marrying him, I think perhaps the best you will do is get him to try and fake something that is not him....which sounds like it may have been what he did when he dabbled in D/s before for you, but then lost interest again. I once knew someone who was into the kinkier side of things, but even with a willing and happy partner, all he wanted was sex once every Saturday night....it was just where his drive was and always had been. You can't make a person something they are not (nor can you be someone you are not) and low sex drive that is not a periodic drop but the norm for someone is usually who they are. It is not wrong, just it is where they are at in that department...everyone differs and though things can be sparked from time to time out of one wanting to please the other, there is not much hope usually for a whole complete change about on a permanent basis. It does happen sometimes if a person discovers that their lack of interest was due to needs not being met in the way they need it, but it doesn't sound as if your partner has this problem and as they tried D/s play and it didn't change things I would think that is not what is missing for them. You might have some big decisions to make in the future.

Catalina

 

[Shy_Joanna]

CurlyGirly, unfortunately I can't offer any advice...but I really do feel for you and know EXACTLY what you're going through, as I am in the same situation. I'll be keeping an eye on your thread for suggestions too! Thanks for starting it

 

[curlygirly32]

I once knew someone who was into the kinkier side of things, but even with a willing and happy partner, all he wanted was sex once every Saturday night....it was just where his drive was and always had been. You can't make a person something they are not (nor can you be someone you are not) and low sex drive that is not a periodic drop but the norm for someone is usually who they are. Catalina

Uggh. That's him...only it would most likely be every other Saturday night. Not that encouraging to think about it that way.