Religiously Repressed Ladies?

[N1HILIST]

Hello,

I'm new to the site. I stumbled upon a story and saw that there were message boards so I figured I'd sign up and such.

So, I was dating a girl recently. Everything was pretty good. I got along with the girl really well, but our sex life sucked. It was... One-sided to say the least. I'd go gown on her, do things to her, etc. but it was never reciprocated and we never had sex. She said it was against her religion (she is mormon) but the weird thing is she is not a virgin! And I'm figuring well if it's against the rules for a guy to have his d**k in you, why is it okay for him to have his tongue and other things in you? I don't understand.

I'm wondering if there are any females on here grew up religiously repressed. What are your thoughts on this and how did you feel growing up? Did you REALLY believe "god" would not love you or you would feel like a bad person if you took part in sexual activities and you were doing good by being good, or did you feel frustrated and feel it was silly? Or???

I really wanted to make this work, but I just don't see myself happy in a completely sexless relationship. And its' not like this whole "no money business" was made clear before we got together.. She just said we had to be together before anything happened, and then when we became "official" she told me she "kind of" lied about it and doesn't want to have sex until she's married... And not to sound like a dick, but.... You ever buy a car without test driving it?

Thanks in advance for the feedback.

 

[Eilan]

You broke up with her, right? Because I sure don't see her "magically" getting interested in sex after she's married.

She said it was against her religion (she is mormon) but the weird thing is she is not a virgin! And I'm figuring well if it's against the rules for a guy to have his d**k in you, why is it okay for him to have his tongue and other things in you?

I hear of this a lot in my predominantly-Baptist small town. For example, oral and anal are okay to some folks because they're not "really" sex, but PIV intercourse is taboo until marriage. I've never understood it, and I'll laugh at anyone who actually believes it. The slutty churchgoing girls from my youth used to justify all the fucking around they did by saying, "It's okay. I've been saved." People justify their behavior in odd ways sometimes. Just admit that you're sexual beings and the you like sex and be done with it, ya know?

And not to sound like a dick, but.... You ever buy a car without test driving it?

Actually, yeah. We bought one of our three vehicles without test-driving it, and it's been excellent. But I wouldn't marry someone unless the sex was awesome.

In all seriousness, I grew up in an environment that was sexually repressive yet full of double-standards (think "nice girls don't until marriage" but men have to "sow their wild oats"). Women aren't supposed to want sex or initiate sex, and they're not supposed to do anything during sex. It wasn't particularly for religious reasons, even though my family members do occasionally go to a Baptist church and claim to believe in God. I always saw it as more of a 50s mentality than a religious issue. Once I got to college I realized all of it was bullshit.

 

[NippleMuncher]

It's a bunch of crap that she allows you do favors for her, yet she won't reciprocate - religious or not, this is a harbinger that will haunt you throughout your relationship with her and bite you in ass when you're sick of putting up with it. Things are not going to get any better as time goes by nor if you're marry her.

What I would suggest you do is find a compatible person with which to form a serious relationship with, a complete relationship that is fulfilling for both you and your partner.

 

[qrayze]

*waves* ex-IFB'er here (Independent Fundamental Baptist)

your post reminded me of a book I read in highschool written by a well-known lady (in IFB circles anyway) on marriage that said something along the lines of "girls need to be taught that kissing, hugging, and sex before marriage is dirty and filthly, but after marriage, it's a beautiful thing that God created!" I'm pretty sure I came close to directly quoting that.

Anyway, I was taught that men and women should keep themselves pure (virginal physically and mentally) until marriage because marriage represents the union between Christ and the believer. A couple losing their virginity to eachother on their wedding night is a picture of the moment a person receives Christ as their saviour, and having multiple sex partners paints the picture that there is more than one way to heaven. (this made perfect sense to me when I was a teen, but now, holy crap! this viewpoint isn't biblical, it's an opinion)

Now, I personally know a few couples who grew up like this, lived like this, and it works for them. They are happy. But the reason it works for them is because they BOTH believe this way. They have, as I like to call it, both been brainwashed into this extreme way of thinking.

So, you have a few choices you can make:
1. break up with her
2. start believing exactly as she believes
3. accept her for who she is and what she believes even tho it may be different from you. every person is has the right to believe whatever the hell they want.

TALK to her! ask her about what she believes and why she believes it. If she can't tell you the "why", then I suspect that she's just going along with the indoctrination of her religion.

Also, she could just be hiding behind her religion so she doesn't have to do what she doesn't want to do. There are lots of reasons why a woman wouldn't want intercourse, and saying it's against her religion is an easy excuse.

 

[a75]

Never been religious, but I 've met some in my life and I 've come to the following conclusion:
- Some people mention their faith in order to conceal their sexual insecurity/fears etc; they 'll be changing as long as they 'll be feeling more comfortable with their partner.
- Some others really believe what they say, and they 'll insist in what their religion defines as normality.

In my opinion, your gf belongs to the second category. She 's been honest, since she 's told you about her beliefs and the prohibitions produced by them. Don't try to change her; members of religious minorities are usually more dogmatic than the average. Just see her as a whole package: Either you can live with it, or you cannot. So simple.

 

[CandiCame]

I've never understood religion- I understand spirituality, but not religion. I, for one, would not marry someone I hadn't had sex with, because sexual compatibility is really important to me. It's a big part of the relationship. If I can't get a chick off, it turns into one of those, "Lets talk about our relationship until it's 4 in the morning and we're both sad" kind of things.

Having said that, I'm dating a Jehova's witness right now, and though we're having sex, he's about to kill himself via heart attack or anurism or something over it, and it's, you know, the gay, so that makes it even worse. He's also going through some shit with the church for an unrelated thing right now, but it they find out about me, he could be... whatever their version of excommunicated is, and I hate that because it's a big part of his life.

I don't know... religion is weird. I'm all about whatever people have to do to keep themselves up, to keep their soul happy, but I just sent a guy off to work who calls me his "girlfriend" and thinks I'm dragging him to hell in a handbasket- yet still keeps coming by. I don't understand it any more then you do.

 

[CWatson]

You ever buy a car without test driving it?

Can't say I would, but I've never bought a car. Also, this analogy kinda breaks down, because the simple fact is that you can test-drive a woman without sticking your dick in her.

The thing about sex is that the parts used are, to a certain extent, secondary. You can find out what kind of a lover this woman is by seeing what she does with the things she does allow. Is she loving and generous with what is on the table? Does she help develop new activities that can be substituted? Or does she hold these things back? Technique and whatnot is all well and good, but a willingness to learn, an enthusiasm for the act in itself, are the larger parts of what make a good lover. After all, none of us were born knowing how to give good oral or whatever; it's an acquired skill. Whether she's acquired them is rather less important than whether she'd be willing to.

Well, you mentioned that she held back, so it sounds like she wouldn't have been especially enthusiastic about sex. That's a good thing to know... but notice how we figured this out without you ever actually schtoinking her. Test drive accomplished!--without ever actually sleeping with her! Q.E.D.

As to how she feels about what God will or will not say to her when she stands at the pearly gates, that's not something any of us can really know. Honestly, it's kind of irrelevant. She's decided what she's decided. Your place is to figure out if you can live with it. After all, you're not her parent; your job isn't to shape her into the kind of person you want her to be. As her (potential) husband, your job is to love her just as she is. If you can't do that, then don't marry her. =\

 

[ebunny15]

Hello,

I'm wondering if there are any females on here grew up religiously repressed. What are your thoughts on this and how did you feel growing up? Did you REALLY believe "god" would not love you or you would feel like a bad person if you took part in sexual activities and you were doing good by being good, or did you feel frustrated and feel it was silly? Or???

I came from this kind of environment, and while I can only express my own journey, it may be the story of a lot of other girls here. If not, that's my disclaimer.
It was hammered into my head from birth that neither me nor my brother (he had it just as bad, so at least it was equal that way) were to have any sexual thoughts until we found The One and got married. Now, that's fine when you're prepubescent and have not idea what hormones can do to your system. It really wasn't that big a deal in high school since I never had a date and my first boyfriend didn't appear until I was done with my sophomore year at college. Sad, but true. However, once I realized that he was interested in me and my body, I certainly began to question the whole idea of God being angry with me if the guy saw bits and pieces of me.
The kissing, the groping, and even the heavy petting just seemed natural. But once he started pressuring for sex, everything came flooding back to me. Would I burn in Hell forever because I gave in to temptation? What if we didn't last, did that make me a slut? How would I ever be able to explain to the guy I did end up marrying that I had been too weak to wait for him? These are very real fears to a girl who has had this stuff crammed down her throat day after day, week after week by church and family.
Disappointing people is maybe the hardest thing to deal with. I can't tell you how many times I've had to listen to my mother crow about how she stayed a virgin until her wedding night. Great for you, Mom, you were married when you were 23--I'm 32, give me a break. But it's that mindset that gives us emotional whiplash. We want the sex and all of the good stuff that goes along with it for ourselves, but then the indoctrination (and let's call it what it is, right?) is still in the back of our heads, wagging a finger at us saying "No, no, no! Good girls don't want sex until marriage." Consider it a civil war inside our heads; it's brutal and it can mess up innocent bystanders. But if you truly love her, you may be the best allie she has to finally find some sort of resolution.

 

[culloden]

LDS is usually a bit more than a religion. It's a full community, with all the benefits and disadvantages of any community. If you don't want to be a part of that, you should break it off. Odds are, it will end being a source of tension forever unless she becomes a jack Mormon. In fact, I'm a little surprised your gal is dating you, a gentile.

 

[ebunny15]

Clarification

Forgot to mention in the original reply: No, I"m not Mormon, I'm Methodist. It's not coming from just a fundamentalist sect; it's all over.

 

[txgent101]

I dated a lady for a while (we were both over 60), with the premise that I did not want to remarry, and she clearly indicated the same for her. But...when it came down to being intimate, she could not get past her religious views about sex and marriage...I tried to learn from her what kind of relationship she envisioned with me (sans marriage) but never got it figured out...so I made my good byes. I really do not want to push someone into a sexual relationship if it is against their beliefs; not only would it not work, but it would be wrong for someone to go against what they believe. Sigh...