Relationship dilema....

[VelvetDarkness]

What were you planning to do when he gets older and less attractive.. not have sex?

I think that's a good point. Having said that I think there's a difference between someone growing old gracefully and someone steadily eating their way towards obesity. In that respect it is at least potentially a health issue and prevention is always better than cure.

 

[lushlucid]

I think that's a good point. Having said that I think there's a difference between someone growing old gracefully and someone steadily eating their way towards obesity. In that respect it is at least potentially a health issue and prevention is always better than cure.

But she's not looking at it like that.
She says she's attracted to his mind and personality as well, but if they changed would she be having the same dilema?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

But she's not looking at it like that.
She says she's attracted to his mind and personality as well, but if they changed would she be having the same dilema?

Possibly. A good friend of mine had a wonderful relationship with a guy for about six months. Then he moved in with her and turned into a chauvinist overnight. I think that if someone's personality changes a lot that's more of an issue than a little extra weight. I know the OP has lost attraction to her man but I think she's genuinely concerned for him as well.

I do see where you're coming from and it is an issue of personal preference right now rather than anything else but if he's steadily gaining weight without making any effort to change his lifestyle then azlovelylady has reason to be concerned. I know I would be.

 

[lushlucid]

Possibly. A good friend of mine had a wonderful relationship with a guy for about six months. Then he moved in with her and turned into a chauvinist overnight. I think that if someone's personality changes a lot that's more of an issue than a little extra weight. I know the OP has lost attraction to her man but I think she's genuinely concerned for him as well.

I do see where you're coming from and it is an issue of personal preference right now rather than anything else but if he's steadily gaining weight without making any effort to change his lifestyle then azlovelylady has reason to be concerned. I know I would be.

I guess.

each to his own
i wasn't overly attracted to my boy to begin with so *shrugs*

 

[subwannabe]

What does SO mean? I take it to mean that you are not married. Interesting, since you talk as if you were married and want to live by married values. Ok, that's not extremely unusual. There is a lot we don't know about this relationship. How old are both of you, or him anyway? I get the impression you didn't just get out of college. You say five years ago he was in shape and now he has let himself go. If he is not a spring chicken then he must have been in shape for quite a long time and then all of a sudden things just changed. Other than being with you, has anything else in his life changed in the last five years, such as his employment, etc.? Was he physically active before or when you first met, or was he just "in shape"? I see two distinct things happening here:

1. you want him to be like you and live a healthy, active lifestyle, by going to the gym, working out, eating healthy, etc. I don't think that is going to happen unless he was like that before and has changed.

2. Something is going on in his mind, causing him to let go of himself and not care about his health or lack of physical activity. It would really be helpful to know what his actual lifestyle was five years or more ago.

I have put on a couple of extra pounds myself over the last few years and have developed a little beer belly, even though I don't drink beer. I believe this is kind of natural for men to put on a few pounds around the belly as they get older, unless they do work our regularly. I can also identify with being exhausted after getting home from work and the last thing you want to do is work out. I'm not trying to say this should be acceptable but it can often be reality. I still wonder if there is something going on deep in his mind that needs to be brought out. Maybe he realized after a while that you were not exactly what he was looking for but loves you, feels comfortable with you, and also thinks of your relationship as being a lot more than just being "significat others" and wants to apply marriage values to the relationship. Maybe that's not it at all. Maybe he feels subordinate to you and that you are a young "working out healthy stud (for lack of a better word) and that he can't keep up with you, so why even bother trying? Maybe he has had or is having self esteem issues and that subconsciously if he lets himself go and you dump him it will reinforce those issues that he is not good enough for you. The only way to find out is to try communicating with him about issues below the surface. The only other advice I can give you is to quit the approach you are trying know and go with an approach of your concern for his health because you love him.

If you are treating this as a marriage type relationship with morals and vows I would have to point out that you may be being a little selfish, although I certainly respect your concerns and can empathize with you. In this case you may want to wonder that if things were reversed and maybe you had children and now your body just doesn't turn him on anymore or maybe you got older with a couple of wrinkles and gray hair and you didn't turn him on anymore, would it be allright with you if he just ended the relationship or demanded that you "fix yourself"? What if you came down with a medical condition and gained a lot of weight and didn't want to work out anymore? I don't mean any of this in a negative way, just giving you food for thought. I certainly still feel that the best solution is to talk to him in a positive manner. There is also the other option too, if you are not married, and he just doesn't do it for you anymore. Good luck.

 

[CaptainKirk]

I have gone the route of health instead of physical appearance and he'll do a good job talking about being and eating healthy, but not a good job following thru. One example of this is that he's a BIG soda drinker and he's stated on various occassions how bad soda is for him, but he'll still drink it! At a restaurant he'll order soda instead of water or he'll buy soda at the store and bring it home, even though he knows that I don't drink the stuff and that he wants to stop as well. The lack of follow thru drives me nuts!

Whatever you do, whatever it takes... get him off soda! NOW! Trust me on this one.

I switched from soda (cola is my choice) to diet soda, and lost about twelve pounds in 2 months, more or less. It'll take some looking and testing, but there are diet sodas out there that actually taste good (took me a week). Some flavored waters I've tried aren't too bad, either. The citrus ones (lemon, lime, etc.) are pretty good.

And the reason I switched wasn't just because of a weight problem. Mainly, it was because of my teeth! I, too, am a big soda drinker (for years), and now I'm paying the price. My dentist is already talking about frontal partials (upper AND lower)!

Don't let him make the same stupid mistake I made! He'll regret it for the rest of his life!

 

[MountainMan24]

Y'know, it's all well and good to be mentally stimulated by someone's mind and personality. But it's really hard for the body to follow suit if the other person has more lard than a butcher shop. I don't believe anyone should be forced to settle for uninteresting sex lives and unstimulating partners just so they can be with someone "whose mind they can admire" or something. Requiring a partner to maintain themselves isn't evil - politically correct activists want us all to accept everyone without question, but that's flat fucking bullshit made up by lazy people. It's no accident that you hear that shit in a country where 2/3rds of the adult population is overweight. I know that if I was in a relationship and I knew the woman cared about how I looked with my shirt off, I'd do everything short of breaking my back to look better. I mean...it's easy, it's good for you, it gives you more energy and it helps you think positively about things. I don't know how that last one works, but it does sometimes. Plus it tends to turn women on if a guy looks good with no shirt on - and that leads to the most interesting fun and exercise of all.

It's on you to make the choice because we don't know all of what's going on in your play-by-play and we can't know, because we aren't you. But ask yourself this:

Is his "mind" worth the increasing unhappiness, frustration and other problems his blubberiness causes and will continue to cause? Considering how stubborn guys are when they decide to get fat and lazy, it's only going to get worse, especially since you've tried pretty much everything short of slicing his fingers off.

 

[sialb2007]

Same problem in reverse -

My wife is a wonderful woman - it's just that there is now 50% more of her than there used to be.

Won't exercise - now having problems with joints from the extra weight and soon won't be able to exercise.

Wonderful cook - but expects both of us to eat a three course meal every night. Won't reduce the serving size - now she thinks I don't like her cooking.

I've lost all interest in sex with her - the wrong bits wobble. The excess weight means she sweats much more - feels wet and clammy all the time.

What's a guy to do - I love her to pieces but only with my eyes closed. Makes me feel like a real bastard.

such is life!

 

[M's girl]

deleted

 

[HornyVikingMN]

No Easy Answers

This is the shit about being in relationships - they're HARD! This is where the phrase "nothing worthwhile is ever easy" comes from, I think. BS or not, it seems to fit here.

What we know so far is that woman loves her man, but not the 30 extra pounds he's introduced into the relationship. She has encouraged, requested, begged or whined (perhaps all of the above) him to regain his former fit self. Rational or not, he hates gyms and won't walk with her long enough to get useful exercise out of it. He drinks too much soda and doesn't seem to eat quite right. She wants him to change, but won't (or at least hasn't) come right out and told him the full and complete reason or the consequences she's anticipating if he doesn't shed the excess baggage.

For whatever it's worth here are one man's thoughts and suggestions:

- The 30 pounds are a change from the past. It's a fact that both are aware of, so there doesn't seem to be a need to hide from it. Ask him how he feels about it. If he wants to change, ask him how he'd like you to support him.

- If Plan A doesn't work, I think you owe it to him to be honest with him. It might make you sound shallow, but I don't think anyone's denying you the right to be turned on by what turns you on. Just be honest about it.

- Get rid of the soda. It's a small step for him to make. If he's not drinking diet soda he's taking in a good deal of high fructose corn syrup. At best, extra calories. At worst, the most evil ingredient known to man. I'm thinking somewhere in between.

- Look for another gym. I don't know where you live, but where I live there's a big difference between the big commercial operations and the local YMCA. The Y is not glamorous, but it has all a guy needs to get in gear.

- Change the routine. Once I'm home from work, the last thing I want to do is go somewhere else. Work out first, then go home. He'll likely eat less, or at least better, and feel better too. Early morning workouts seem to be working best for me - I have more energy all day long.

- Explore the depression thing. Some will say that's a crutch, but depression in men can be very quiet and destructive. It saps men of the motivation to do the things we know are best, makes us ornery with the people we love, and just in general takes the fun out of life.

- Personally, I love the "reward" suggestions that others have made. I'd just about run through a brick wall for my wife if I knew there was a "treat" of some type or another on the other side.

Good luck!

 

[red_jane_doe]

The YMCA is awesome. I am a big girl. I've been working out since January. I like it because it isn't filled with the "pretty people". No one is there showing off. There are other people who look just like me. It's a very comfortable place to work out and not be judged. The one I go to has a lot of different equipment plus the free weights. There's something there for everyone. They also have Wellness Coaches who will set you up with a program. It's a free service.

What about finding activities like joining a softball team or going for a hike on the weekends. I take one long hike a weekend. It just doesn't seem like exercise. If it doesn't have the title, maybe it'll be more fun!

 

[StonetheCrow077]

Personally, I think the idea of talking to him and letting him know how you feel is the right choice...

If I knew my "wife/girlfriend" was not attracted to me, I think that would be sufficient motivation...

And think how you'd feel after losing all that weight and the attraction came back??

One thing... I think you had better explore those thoughts of yours a bit further... what if he does lose the weight and your still not attracted to him?? Is it only the weight issue?

People tend to oversimplify problems when trying to explain them. Is he lazy? Does he not respond to you when you ask him to do something? I would imagine it's multiple emotional things tied together... all wrapped up in a pretty big gut...

 

[thirty]

I know that there are many studies that say women are not as visually stimulated sexually as men are, but I wonder what other women have to say about this.
My SO and I have been together for 5 years. When we first met, we were both in great shape and I was really attracted to his mind, personality, and body. After all these years I am still attracted to his mind and personality, but not his body...he's not taken care of himself and is not as in shape as he used to be. Problem is that I'm having a hard time becoming sexually turned on by actually looking at him...I'm still in love with him, just not his body. I feel like a total shit even feeling this way because I KNOW I sound shallow and superficial, but it feels like it goes beyond that....it's becoming a big obstacle in our sex life because I feel that the visual excitement is no longer there and its difficult for me to get turned on without it.
Does this make any sense to anyone at all because I'm really confused by it?!?!
Do I need to change my way of thinking about this? If so, how?
Do I need to talk to him about how I feel? And if I do what do I say?
Suggestions, opinions, and personal experiences would be greatly appreciated!

I'm with you, it's quite natural that your SO's body cannot attract you.
Men after 30 are easy to gain weight and change shapes, especially those who don't go out regularly.

Nobody can stay 20's forever, and maybe we have to accept it, just like my wife, her body are not as sexy as 10 years ago, I was disappointed too.

 

[Lynnezertort]

My two cents is that men are visually stimulated and women are visually stimulated when emotionally stimulated first. I bet you'd be visually stimulated by him even the way he looks now if the emotional connection was strong but it appears that something is missing from that emotional connection. Though a huge generalization, I believe most women will be attracted to to the yukiest of men (in someone elses eyes) if the emotional chemistry is there. Lose the emotion, lose the visual attraction.

 

[ms.read]

If you are treating this as a marriage type relationship with morals and vows I would have to point out that you may be being a little selfish, although I certainly respect your concerns and can empathize with you. In this case you may want to wonder that if things were reversed and maybe you had children and now your body just doesn't turn him on anymore or maybe you got older with a couple of wrinkles and gray hair and you didn't turn him on anymore, would it be allright with you if he just ended the relationship or demanded that you "fix yourself"? What if you came down with a medical condition and gained a lot of weight and didn't want to work out anymore? I don't mean any of this in a negative way, just giving you food for thought. I certainly still feel that the best solution is to talk to him in a positive manner. There is also the other option too, if you are not married, and he just doesn't do it for you anymore. Good luck.

I am in a similar dilema in my relationship, But god, you just gave me a whole new perspective in a way that I can understand. Deffinitely Eye opening.

I had a relatively eye opening experience of having my mortality flashing before my eyes, and so I have been on this kick of being healthier and enjoying life more.

My life partner, whom I love dearly, is blind has had kidney failure due to diabetes, and more recently has gained a significant amount of weight ( he was 185 when I met him hes now about 260 range) after he had a kidney transplant.

The weight gain was partially to do with the steriods he is on, but partially because of his severe diet restrictions were lifted.

I don't find his physical form sexually attractive anymore. My libido is very high where his is fairly low. I dont like having to "sneak around" to masturbate, I find that finding my sexual pleasure is a very private thing, now. (umm there is deffinitely no cheating whatsoever, my morals forbid it)

Some how I feel that our relationship has turned into more of a best friend/but he is dependent on me mode. I'm not sure how I want to handle it. I don't know how our relationship is going to change.

Any advice on what my course of action should be?

 

[robincr]

deleted

 

[subwannabe]

MSRead:

Unfortunately, I don't have any earthshattering suggestions other than to just sit down and talk with him about it. I know I have been on steroids before due to a medical condition and I gained a lot of weight. I bet it is more of that than the diet itself. What was his libido like in the past? You didn't mention that. Is his medical condition expected to improve? I think you have to talk with him, explain your feelings, and see if he can come around, a little bit anyway. Even if it is possible that he may never "turn you on" again physically, he may be able to help you meet your sexual needs which will make you feel better than sneaking around and masturbating behind his back. Just talk to him and explain that you are worried about the both of you not being like you were. Maybe he thinks of it more than you think he does. I always tell my wife that no matter how I look or how I feel I am still interested in sex and try making her understand that if I was laid up in the hospital I would still like to get off. No matter how many tubes and wires were in me I would enjoy a handjob or blowjob. Same goes for me when I'm 90 years old and laying down in the nursing home bed. Guys are really into visual stimulation. Try getting him some porno magazines, videos, or even articles to read, not to mention maybe putting a sexy outfit on and show him your breasts or a nice close up of your pussy. If that doesn't get him stirred up then it is possible that he has already passed on. Maybe if you can keep him interested in sex he will eat less and be exercising more, making both of you happy. Good luck.

 

[AZLovelyLady]

Wow...Thanks everyone!

It's is so wonderful just to hear people's perspectives, opinions, and suggestions, so thanks everyone for your time!

Just to answer some people's questions--

No, I would not break up w/ him just because of this weight/ health issue. I'm not dillusional enough to think that the next person won't come with their bag of shit to a relationship. In many, many ways my SO and I are EXTREMELY compatible--and in this way we are not (what can I say no relationship is without imperfections).
This is not just a weight issue, this is also a health issue. Even being 30 lbs. of weight takes a toll on a person's body and increases the risks for MANY diseases that can become chronic--who wants to live life with a disease they could've prevented but didn't!
When you choose to be with a person for the long haul, it means just that--the LONG HAUL. You have to take care of yourself so that you can even be there for the long haul--getting adult onset diabetes or having a heart attach b/c of poor lifestyle habits is like short changing your partner....if you want to be w/ your partner for the rest of your life you need to take care of yourself in order to do so!!! I believe that if you are not taking care of yourself physically then you are definitely not taking care of yourself emotionally--and if you are not taking your personal emotional health into consideration then you cannot take care of the emotional health of a relationship. It's all interconnected!!! ANyone agree?

Just a quick update on my situation--not much has changed. I'm really ashamed to admit that I am still checking out other men. I recently ran into a male friend who was playing frisbee in the park w/ his shirt off and I couldn't look him in the eye to even say hi because I was so turned on by his bare muscular chest (mind you that I've never even been attracted to this man before until this meeting when I saw him with his shirt off!) I made up an excuse to walk the other way and have been avoiding him ever since because I was completely scared and shocked by my reaction to him shirtless! *I feel like a total schmuck*

 

[robincr]

delete

 

[ms.read]

Subwannabe: In answer to your question about my fiance's libido before the operation, we fucked like bunnies (3-4 times a week usually a bit more) with each of us initiating it equally.

Oh, since men are visually stimulated but my fiance is BLIND. what do I do in that case? Pictures wouldn't do anything for him.

We sat down and had a talk.

Wow. the sentance above looks intimidating. I told him that I missed his touch and kisses ect ect and how we never seem to have sex anymore. He said he knew and he asked if i still found him sexualy attractive: I told him the truth, yes as a person i found him attractive ( hes a great guy) but his physical form did not turn me on as it once did. I didn't want to trample his feelings, and this is a sensitive subject for both of us.

I went into some points about his lack of movement in general. If we were to get married, I would want a partner who wants to enjoy life WITH me, not at home sitting on the couch. ( that does not mean I am about to go run a marathon, I'm not the most active person either) I want to do things together with him.

I have an update: He got rid of one of his medical conditions! I'm so happy for him that we are going to celebrate this weekend!

I am encouraging him to exersize on a daily basis. His doctor said exersizing 15 minutes every day will help keep his medical condition at bay and help him sleep better. Yay! We have decided to do a walking routine in the morning together.

As for the sex its still non existant (once this past month?) and I am just more depressed than ever on that one subject. Again any suggestions?

Sorry for the long post,

ms.read

 

[SweetErika]

It's is so wonderful just to hear people's perspectives, opinions, and suggestions, so thanks everyone for your time!

Just to answer some people's questions--

No, I would not break up w/ him just because of this weight/ health issue. I'm not dillusional enough to think that the next person won't come with their bag of shit to a relationship. In many, many ways my SO and I are EXTREMELY compatible--and in this way we are not (what can I say no relationship is without imperfections).
This is not just a weight issue, this is also a health issue. Even being 30 lbs. of weight takes a toll on a person's body and increases the risks for MANY diseases that can become chronic--who wants to live life with a disease they could've prevented but didn't!
When you choose to be with a person for the long haul, it means just that--the LONG HAUL. You have to take care of yourself so that you can even be there for the long haul--getting adult onset diabetes or having a heart attach b/c of poor lifestyle habits is like short changing your partner....if you want to be w/ your partner for the rest of your life you need to take care of yourself in order to do so!!! I believe that if you are not taking care of yourself physically then you are definitely not taking care of yourself emotionally--and if you are not taking your personal emotional health into consideration then you cannot take care of the emotional health of a relationship. It's all interconnected!!! ANyone agree?

While that's a good point, I'd say if you choose to stay with this man, knowing he doesn't share your beliefs in this regard (or does, but isn't motivated to do anything about it), I think you forfeit the right to complain about the situation. You either have to come to terms with it and support him the efforts he does make to be healthier, or do something about it. Of course the only thing you really can do is end the relationship and find someone who's more compatible.

It's like the people who claim they love their spouses dearly and don't want to leave, then bitch and moan about how terrible their sex lives have been for many years. By staying, they're agreeing they can live with the crappy/lack of sex happily enough, or to be miserable; if they couldn't/didn't want to, they'd leave.

I'm not saying it's necessary to agree or be thrilled with the situation. I just think when we choose to stay in relationships where there are major differences, we have to take responsibility for that choice and the facts that both of us will change for better and worse, and we cannot push change on the ones we claim we love WHILE expecting a healthy relationship.

Just a quick update on my situation--not much has changed. I'm really ashamed to admit that I am still checking out other men. I recently ran into a male friend who was playing frisbee in the park w/ his shirt off and I couldn't look him in the eye to even say hi because I was so turned on by his bare muscular chest (mind you that I've never even been attracted to this man before until this meeting when I saw him with his shirt off!) I made up an excuse to walk the other way and have been avoiding him ever since because I was completely scared and shocked by my reaction to him shirtless! *I feel like a total schmuck*

Why do you feel it's shameful to check out other people? You're looking, but not touching, per your agreement with your partner, and you're sensitive to his feelings, right?

I don't think there's anything wrong with looking at others. Hell, I think fucking and loving others is great, provided everyone is happy with it. It's natural to be attracted to other people. As long as you're not doing things that are likely to hurt your partner and you don't find looking to be a slippery slope, I can't see any problem.

 

[AZLovelyLady]

Subwannabe: In answer to your question about my fiance's libido before the operation, we fucked like bunnies (3-4 times a week usually a bit more) with each of us initiating it equally.

Oh, since men are visually stimulated but my fiance is BLIND. what do I do in that case? Pictures wouldn't do anything for him.

We sat down and had a talk.

Wow. the sentance above looks intimidating. I told him that I missed his touch and kisses ect ect and how we never seem to have sex anymore. He said he knew and he asked if i still found him sexualy attractive: I told him the truth, yes as a person i found him attractive ( hes a great guy) but his physical form did not turn me on as it once did. I didn't want to trample his feelings, and this is a sensitive subject for both of us.

I went into some points about his lack of movement in general. If we were to get married, I would want a partner who wants to enjoy life WITH me, not at home sitting on the couch. ( that does not mean I am about to go run a marathon, I'm not the most active person either) I want to do things together with him.

I have an update: He got rid of one of his medical conditions! I'm so happy for him that we are going to celebrate this weekend!

I am encouraging him to exersize on a daily basis. His doctor said exersizing 15 minutes every day will help keep his medical condition at bay and help him sleep better. Yay! We have decided to do a walking routine in the morning together.

As for the sex its still non existant (once this past month?) and I am just more depressed than ever on that one subject. Again any suggestions?

Sorry for the long post,

ms.read

Just wanted to say good luck to you Ms. Read...you definitely have a bigger dilema that I do!
As far as non existant sex: What I do is masturbate a lot to fantasies or when sex does comes around w/ my SO I really focus on the emotional connection and sexual energy instead of the visual.

 

[StrixVaria]

AZ, I can relate to your situation. I'm in a two year relationship with someone who has gained over 50lbs since I met her. I'm a paddler, a hiker, a runner and a swimmer... she, on the other hand, does little or no excercise of any sort.
However, we enjoy the same sorts of books, we like the same sorts of movies, we like the same foods, we have similar sorts of humor and we are both loyal to each other... the loyalty is the key issue with me. But, I look around. I haven't touched - yet - but I do look. The fact that I do bothers me as well. I WANT to love her, I want to be committed to her, but I'm not attracted to her physically to her anymore.

After eight months of avoiding sex, I finally told her exactly what the problem was. I don't know what will come after this, but I hope that she will start to avail herself of the gym membership I bought for her. Hell, I don't know. I give it about six months if she doesn't turn a corner. I'm not happy anymore. I don't really care if I am painted as a villan if things don't change, but I really want to have someone in my life with whom I can share the joys of the outdoors, If this young lady isn't the one, then there are more fish out there. In the mean time, I hope that she decides to join me before all the embers die.

 

[AZLovelyLady]

AZ, I can relate to your situation. I'm in a two year relationship with someone who has gained over 50lbs since I met her. I'm a paddler, a hiker, a runner and a swimmer... she, on the other hand, does little or no excercise of any sort.
However, we enjoy the same sorts of books, we like the same sorts of movies, we like the same foods, we have similar sorts of humor and we are both loyal to each other... the loyalty is the key issue with me. But, I look around. I haven't touched - yet - but I do look. The fact that I do bothers me as well. I WANT to love her, I want to be committed to her, but I'm not attracted to her physically to her anymore.

After eight months of avoiding sex, I finally told her exactly what the problem was. I don't know what will come after this, but I hope that she will start to avail herself of the gym membership I bought for her. Hell, I don't know. I give it about six months if she doesn't turn a corner. I'm not happy anymore. I don't really care if I am painted as a villan if things don't change, but I really want to have someone in my life with whom I can share the joys of the outdoors, If this young lady isn't the one, then there are more fish out there. In the mean time, I hope that she decides to join me before all the embers die.

It's really good to know what you want and it seems very clear that you do. Cheers to you!
Just out of curiousity, what was her reaction when you had the conversation as to why you were avoiding sex?

 

[AZLovelyLady]

Why do you feel it's shameful to check out other people? You're looking, but not touching, per your agreement with your partner, and you're sensitive to his feelings, right?

I don't think there's anything wrong with looking at others. Hell, I think fucking and loving others is great, provided everyone is happy with it. It's natural to be attracted to other people. As long as you're not doing things that are likely to hurt your partner and you don't find looking to be a slippery slope, I can't see any problem.

You are right....no more bitching and moaning! Just needed to vent--in truth the original post was the first time ever venting about this.

I'm ashamed to look because I feel that by looking I am betraying in this situation because my looking comes with intense desire....desire that I feel should be reserved only for my SO. Maybe that's too naive of me and I should change that. Just think it would be nice to have that insane gut wrenching overwhelming physical urge for him and not some random dudes on the street. Don't ya think?