Relationship dilema....

[AZLovelyLady]

I know that there are many studies that say women are not as visually stimulated sexually as men are, but I wonder what other women have to say about this.
My SO and I have been together for 5 years. When we first met, we were both in great shape and I was really attracted to his mind, personality, and body. After all these years I am still attracted to his mind and personality, but not his body...he's not taken care of himself and is not as in shape as he used to be. Problem is that I'm having a hard time becoming sexually turned on by actually looking at him...I'm still in love with him, just not his body. I feel like a total shit even feeling this way because I KNOW I sound shallow and superficial, but it feels like it goes beyond that....it's becoming a big obstacle in our sex life because I feel that the visual excitement is no longer there and its difficult for me to get turned on without it.
Does this make any sense to anyone at all because I'm really confused by it?!?!
Do I need to change my way of thinking about this? If so, how?
Do I need to talk to him about how I feel? And if I do what do I say?
Suggestions, opinions, and personal experiences would be greatly appreciated!

 

[SweetErika]

What does 'not as in shape' mean to you? Are we talking about him gaining a significant amount of weight (which could be 10-100+ pounds, depending on the person)? Going from musclebound to flabby? Aging naturally?

I think you'll get better suggestions if you give people a better idea of what your problem with his body is.

 

[AZLovelyLady]

More specific.

When we started dating he was around 180-185 lbs. and lean w/ some muscle. Because of his lack of activity he's gained at least 30 lbs. most of it in his belly. I didn't care when he gained 10lbs., 15 lbs. or even 20 lbs., but when he hit 30 lbs. I worried if it would end or continue escalating.
I work out at least 4-5 times a week, walking, yoga, weight lifting, running, climbing, etc. He HATES the gym and by the time he comes home from work he's too tired to exercise. I try to encourage him to go out and do something with me or go try a class at the gym but no amount of encouragement, nagging, temper tantrums, or sweet talking will convince him.
I never looked at other men before this and now I find myself checking out other guy's physiques and fantasizing--this is NOT healthy for me or the relationship, but this reaction is almost compulsive.

 

[Reba67]

I'm coming from the perspective of someone who has always struggled with weight. He probably knows he's gaining a ponch in front. It probably bugs him too. But, pestering, cajoling, temper tantrums, etc don't help but rather they hinder.

When you say you ask him to go out and do something with you, what do you mean by that? Are you meaning joining you at the gym? If he hates the gym, of course he won't go. try something he does like, perhaps walking or hiking or something? But don't make it into an "exercise" session for yourself......don't change into your "workout gear" for the walk. Sure, put on proper shoes etc, but don't turn it into an event that's "exercise".

 

[AZLovelyLady]

Yes, I know that the pestering doesn't work, so I no longer do it....I'm ashamed to admit that I even did it at all!

He hates going to the gym because he feels that it's a meat market and the guys are just a bunch of muscle heads strutting around like peacocks....all of this from only going to the gym once! I've tried to tell him that we could go in the evening around 8pm when it's a ghost town and no one is there, but he refuses to let his opinion of the gym change.

By doing other things with me I mean just going for a long walk after dinner. It's a good way to digest and a way to communicate about the happenings of the day and such, but he usually only wants to go for a short 25 minute walk--I've compromised many times in doing short walks w/ him if he'll join me for a long walk once a week, which sometimes works.

I'm just bummed because I want to be attracted to all of him and the truth of the matter is that I'm currently not--and I feel like a shallow bitch for feeling this way!

 

[SweetErika]

No, of course nagging and the like doesn't work. I'm sure he doesn't feel good about his weight gain, and that kind of thing just drives the self-esteem lower.

Maybe you could approach this from a place of concern - that his job is leaving him too tired to do anything, and you're worried for his health. I don't think I'd come out and say, "I'm not attracted to you anymore," but I'd probably go with something like, "Your active lifestyle was one of the things that really attracted me to you, I love getting out and doing things together, and it worries me that we don't do those things anymore. Our health is very important to me, so would you be willing to join me in doing some things that will maintain, or even improve, our health? I really want us to live a long, happy, healthy life together."

Hopefully he'll agree to at least some small changes. While a 30 minute walk after dinner might be daunting, maybe he'd agree to walking around the block, or doing projects around the house with you, or doing something active and fun on the weekends. Attraction aside, perhaps you could do more in the way of sexual activity - even making out burns more calories! Maybe you could also find ways to improve his diet.

Is there a possibility he has a mental or physical issue, such as depression, anxiety, hormone imbalance or emotional eating? If so, he really needs to see a good doctor. Perhaps that's something you can encourage him to do for his health.

If small changes and talking in that way didn't work, I might tell him I fear my physical attraction would start slipping in the future because I'm very attracted to healthy people, even if they have a little extra weight. My goal would be to make it about MY feelings, rather than his body, to avoid hurting his feeling and self-esteem as much as possible.

You're going to want to come from a place of deep love and compassion on this. After all, you could be disfigured or have an accident of condition that causes you to gain a lot of weight and not be able to do a thing about it, right? What would you want him to say to you if he were in your shoes?

In the end, this may be a matter of mis-matched views and goals. Staying in shape is obviously important to you - maybe it's not on his priority list. If that's the case, you may be better off with someone who has a more similar perspective and enjoys more of the things you do, like working out.

 

[Emerald_Dragon]

Hey Lovely,

One thing that has helped me and my husband is the fact that I do all the cooking at home. I don't have a lot of time to excercise and I compensate for some of that by cooking better. Because I pretty much control our evening and weekend diets I make sure that we eat lots of fruits, vegies, and whole grains. I also make enough that the hubby can brown bag it several times a week. It is not a complete fix but it is one way of helping swinging the balence.


You also need to talk to him, gently, about how you feel. Not just from the sex stand point but also his health. Even a 25 minute walk in the evenings is good!

Good luck.

 

[somberReality]

You could try to find something active that you two do together. You can "work out" together in the privacy of your own home (i wouldn't work out in a gym if my life depended on it) or go bicycling....something, where he could get out and get active. He'll feel better about himself in the process.

 

[SweetErika]

He hates going to the gym because he feels that it's a meat market and the guys are just a bunch of muscle heads strutting around like peacocks....all of this from only going to the gym once! I've tried to tell him that we could go in the evening around 8pm when it's a ghost town and no one is there, but he refuses to let his opinion of the gym change.

So, maybe he'd be into working out at home, or taking a dance class together, or swimming, or joining a sports team. The gym might just not be his thing. What DOES he like?

By doing other things with me I mean just going for a long walk after dinner. It's a good way to digest and a way to communicate about the happenings of the day and such, but he usually only wants to go for a short 25 minute walk--I've compromised many times in doing short walks w/ him if he'll join me for a long walk once a week, which sometimes works.

I'd say focus on the fact that he'll do 25 minute walks - they're certainly better than sitting on the couch! If my husband did that kind of compromise thing with me, I'd feel like it was a chore and punishment to do the walking at all, I think. Maybe you two can agree to increase the walks by just a few minutes each week, or mix it up with some bike rides or rollerblading or something. You might also try going to a different location to walk, and see if that helps make it more enjoyable for him.

I have a feeling you're going to need to approach this from a more positive place, focusing on what he WILL do instead of what he won't, giving lots of praise and encouragement ("I REALLY enjoy going for even shorter walks with you - thank you for doing that with me!"), etc.

 

[AZLovelyLady]

Thanks Everyone

First off I just want to thank everyone for their replies. It really just helps to have people read/listen!

I have gone the route of health instead of physical appearance and he'll do a good job talking about being and eating healthy, but not a good job following thru. One example of this is that he's a BIG soda drinker and he's stated on various occassions how bad soda is for him, but he'll still drink it! At a restaurant he'll order soda instead of water or he'll buy soda at the store and bring it home, even though he knows that I don't drink the stuff and that he wants to stop as well. The lack of follow thru drives me nuts!

He talks about joining a sports team, but when someone actually invites him he won't go or "forget" about it. I want to take dance lessons with him, even pay for more expensive private lessons, but he's to shy to do even that. His lack of inconsistency also drives me nuts!

I've thought about the depression thing because he is exhibiting some signs of it, but he doesn't believe in doctors and much less getting prescribed anything!

 

[ms.read]

When we started dating he was around 180-185 lbs. and lean w/ some muscle. Because of his lack of activity he's gained at least 30 lbs. most of it in his belly. I didn't care when he gained 10lbs., 15 lbs. or even 20 lbs., but when he hit 30 lbs. I worried if it would end or continue escalating.
I work out at least 4-5 times a week, walking, yoga, weight lifting, running, climbing, etc. He HATES the gym and by the time he comes home from work he's too tired to exercise. I try to encourage him to go out and do something with me or go try a class at the gym but no amount of encouragement, nagging, temper tantrums, or sweet talking will convince him.
I never looked at other men before this and now I find myself checking out other guy's physiques and fantasizing--this is NOT healthy for me or the relationship, but this reaction is almost compulsive.

im with you there i have the same problem and dont know how to deal with it eather

 

[mjl2010]

After my last trip to a gym, I wouldn't go back either. What a bunch of snobby self absorbed assholes. I got myself a small set of free weights, some dumbbells and a treadmill. I won't go out for a walk just to walk for exercise.

What I will do is go hang out at home depot for a couple of hours. Talk to people I know there, walk the aisles and look at stuff I like. Not the same as an exercise walk, I know. But activity anyway.

The dumbbells sit on the table next to my chair in the den. When watching TV, I pick them up and use them.

A couple of times a week, I use the weights. The treadmill, not so often. I spend most of my days doing manual labor on my feet anyway.

How to help your husband I can't say exactly. He has to want to improve himself. For a start, put him on a diet and cite your concern for his health. It shouldn't be too hard for him to lose fifteen or twenty pounds.

When he gets half of it off, tell him how sexy he is and drag him to bed and jump on him, give him stuff he likes a lot. Keep encouraging him that way. I'm guessing he'll lose the belly.

MJL

 

[ms.read]

mmm sounds good!

 

[Mansa Musa]

I know that there are many studies that say women are not as visually stimulated sexually as men are, but I wonder what other women have to say about this.
My SO and I have been together for 5 years. When we first met, we were both in great shape and I was really attracted to his mind, personality, and body. After all these years I am still attracted to his mind and personality, but not his body...he's not taken care of himself and is not as in shape as he used to be. Problem is that I'm having a hard time becoming sexually turned on by actually looking at him...I'm still in love with him, just not his body. I feel like a total shit even feeling this way because I KNOW I sound shallow and superficial, but it feels like it goes beyond that....it's becoming a big obstacle in our sex life because I feel that the visual excitement is no longer there and its difficult for me to get turned on without it.
Does this make any sense to anyone at all because I'm really confused by it?!?!
Do I need to change my way of thinking about this? If so, how?
Do I need to talk to him about how I feel? And if I do what do I say?
Suggestions, opinions, and personal experiences would be greatly appreciated!

Have you tried talking to him about this?
Hell, If I can fit 100 situps, 100 pushups and 10 minutes of stretchng into my day, your husband can do the same thing. It´s simple: 30/40/30 situps and pushups, performed when waking up/when arriving home/before going to sleep. Give him a post workout blowjob for the morning and nighttime sessions, then surprise him with some good food after the afternoon session. I may be a bit more malleable than most men, but I´d be down to a 32 inch waist with incentives like that, probably within a month.

 

[RazingTrouble]

Have you tried talking to him about this?
Hell, If I can fit 100 situps, 100 pushups and 10 minutes of stretchng into my day, your husband can do the same thing. It´s simple: 30/40/30 situps and pushups, performed when waking up/when arriving home/before going to sleep. Give him a post workout blowjob for the morning and nighttime sessions, then surprise him with some good food after the afternoon session. I may be a bit more malleable than most men, but I´d be down to a 32 inch waist with incentives like that, probably within a month.

Pretty much what I was going to say. I know that a womans favors as incentive would get me to do alot of things I might not normally want to do.

Maybe even just after he does 10 situps... make a "fuss" over how hot it is that he is working out and you can't wait to see him when he gets abs showing. I am in pretty good shape and I know how much harder I work out when my wife will come in the room and touch my stomach/chest etc and get that "look" in her eye. If he see's you enjoying his workouts, hopefully he will continue them.

 

[watergirl]

I've got the opposite advice

I've got the opposite advice...

I met a guy I used to date at the pool at the gym. Once our relationship got comfortable, and we'd moved in together, he stopped going and got back into gaming and being sedentary. I lost attraction to him.

There was a lot more to it than that... but - yeah, I worked on him every way I could to go with me for swim, walk, etc. Didn't work.

People only change when they want to. We broke up, he went back to the gym, lost some weight, made other changes to his anti-social, sedentary life that I was glad to see. We got back together, things immediately reverted & we broke up again within a few months.

Losing weight is like quitting smoking. People have to motivate themselves somehow; external forces can't make them want to do it.

 

[SimpleGifts]

Have you tried talking to him about this?
Hell, If I can fit 100 situps, 100 pushups and 10 minutes of stretchng into my day, your husband can do the same thing. It´s simple: 30/40/30 situps and pushups, performed when waking up/when arriving home/before going to sleep. Give him a post workout blowjob for the morning and nighttime sessions, then surprise him with some good food after the afternoon session. I may be a bit more malleable than most men, but I´d be down to a 32 inch waist with incentives like that, probably within a month.

That's my perspective. I put off working out until I could get space cleared for our Total Gym...until I could get my bike fixed...until I could afford a gym membership and find time to go...

One day, I just realized that (a) I need to be in better shape (amazing how your metabolism can slow after age 35!) and (b) all I needed was about 7 feet of space on the carpet, a set of dumbbells, and maybe 20 to 30 minutes a day. But the point is that I was the one who realized it--not my wife or anyone else.

He lacks follow-through because he lacks motivation...he lacks motivation because...? Who knows. You can tell him how his appearance and lack of activity is bothering you, but don't expect that you can give him motivation in any other way. If he can't motivate himself, then you may have some tough choices to make.

SG

 

[ms.read]

That's my perspective. I put off working out until I could get space cleared for our Total Gym...until I could get my bike fixed...until I could afford a gym membership and find time to go...

One day, I just realized that (a) I need to be in better shape (amazing how your metabolism can slow after age 35!) and (b) all I needed was about 7 feet of space on the carpet, a set of dumbbells, and maybe 20 to 30 minutes a day. But the point is that I was the one who realized it--not my wife or anyone else.

He lacks follow-through because he lacks motivation...he lacks motivation because...? Who knows. You can tell him how his appearance and lack of activity is bothering you, but don't expect that you can give him motivation in any other way. If he can't motivate himself, then you may have some tough choices to make.

SG

can you elaborate on those tough choices please?

 

[SweetErika]

can you elaborate on those tough choices please?

In this situation, I'd see my choices as:
a) Stay with someone I'm not physically attracted to and who had different priorities and interests, *hoping* they'd change, but knowing they may very well not; or

b) End the relationship and look for someone who I was both attracted to AND had similar priorities and interests.

It's a tough decision, but I think I'd probably go with the second option, since the first would likely lead to the eventual demise of the relationship anyway. I'm not much for the 'I'm unhappy, but I'm going to stay because of X, Y and Z' martyr thing, personally. I'd much rather have a shot at parting on better terms (resentment usually leads to ugliness) and allow both of us to find more happiness, whether that's as singles, or with people we're more compatible with.

I deserve someone I'm compatible and have a healthy sex life with, and my partner deserves someone who's compatible, attracted to them and happy with who they are as a person. When I love someone (myself included), I want them to be happy, even if it's by themselves or with someone else.

 

[Mansa Musa]

That's my perspective. I put off working out until I could get space cleared for our Total Gym...until I could get my bike fixed...until I could afford a gym membership and find time to go...

One day, I just realized that (a) I need to be in better shape (amazing how your metabolism can slow after age 35!) and (b) all I needed was about 7 feet of space on the carpet, a set of dumbbells, and maybe 20 to 30 minutes a day. But the point is that I was the one who realized it--not my wife or anyone else.

He lacks follow-through because he lacks motivation...he lacks motivation because...? Who knows. You can tell him how his appearance and lack of activity is bothering you, but don't expect that you can give him motivation in any other way. If he can't motivate himself, then you may have some tough choices to make.

SG

Some people, male and female, have a tendency to give up on self-beautification. The ring goes on, the primping/gym time goes out the window. Unfortunately, most of those people will end up on Lit, posting about where their spouse "went wrong".

 

[atl_couple]

 

[M's girl]

deleted

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

AZLOVELYLADY

You and your guy have a power struggle in progress.

If you dump him and get a new one, odds are you'll get one with a different mix of problems. Maybe worse problems.

You can do what one woman I know does. Every time she marries, she gets one a little younger than the last.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I would still be inclined to see this as a temporary problem rather than a deal breaker right now. Imagine if you left him and then he lost the weight through depression or something, what would you have gained?

My Master was about 200lb when I met him and is now about 220lb. He's over 6ft tall and can carry it but I do worry about what will happen if he continues to gain weight. He has been overweight since his early teens and was terribly bullied in high school so I know that he as a powerfully emotional relationship with food and a terrible sence of shame and guilt about his size. For a long time it was the proverbial 'elephant in the room.' It took me ages to steel myself to say anything.

Master is quite sedentary really. He works from home as an internet researcher which doesn't help. He sometimes does weights but not any cardio. He is aware that he has gained weight and wants to lose it but lacks motivation. I still find him very attractive but I can see that if he continued to gain weight I would no longer do so.

Master has tried gyms and is thoroughly depressed by the toned, tanned fit freaks there. Even when I have been to the gym and I am by no means overweight at 110lb, people have thrown unpleasant looks at my pasty, wobbly bits. I totally understand your guy's aversion to gyms.

Like others, I do most of the cooking at home and I'm on a restricted diet due to allergies so most of my cooking is healthy and from scratch. Master does buy stuff that he likes to eat but wants us to eat our main meal together. I've made suggestions like cutting down on carbs, stuff he can do without exercising but he's not interested. Because of the power exchange in our relationship there's a limit to how far I can press my point in any discussion.

Master has talked about jogging and such but procrastinates. He's really grouchy when he's hungry and appears to crave food much of the time. These are extremely sensitive issues for him though. I feel that I have a duty as his SO to try and motivate him a bit and do what I can in the interest of his health but at the same time I'm worried about being counter-productive so I don't nag.

The way that I have put it to him is something like this:

"I know that you want to lose a little weight and get fitter and I will totally support you in that. I love you and care about your health both now and in the long term but I respect the fact that making positive changes in your diet and lifestyle is entirely your decision. I do not want you to feel that I 'want' you to lose weight or find you less attractive. It's just that I really don't like seeing you unhappy about yourself and less able to enjoy life as a result. Tell me what I can do to help you with this issue. I want you to have my support."

So we have worked out some improved meal ideas and also a 'treat' night once a week where we order takeaway or eat out. Master is going to start running again as well as the weights. I do wonder about this because the weather is about to get pretty awful in the UK as winter approaches but it's a step in the right direction.

Like others have said, your guy has to decide that he wants to take positive steps purely for his own self esteem and peace of mind. Once he does that, small, regular changes will soon start taking effect. Also I feel that I'm helping instead of just nagging and he feels more able to confide in me about his weight issues without thinking; "She's just going to tell me to get off my ass and do x, y & z and I know all that already." I would suggest therapy but I know he'd never go. Maybe I could suggest it once he's made some changes and feels more positive.

Anyway, sorry that was a bit of an essay but I hope some of it was helpful.

 

[lushlucid]

I think the problem is that you want him to be like you. Healthy and attractive.

I don't think you should lie to him and say it's a health issue because it clearly is not.

Perhaps you need to work on becoming aroused without being turned on by the image of him.

What were you planning to do when he gets older and less attractive.. not have sex?