jomar
chillin
- Joined
- Nov 7, 2006
- Posts
- 27,536
My troll story was rejected with the comment that it was better suited to this forum. I've pm'd Laurel to get more specific reasons for the rejection, but in the meantime decided to take her advice and post it here.
I put it on StoriesOnline and provided a link as well as pasted the story below. Since its appeal would be mostly to Lit authors, it's getting killed at SOL - if you like the story it could use some pity votes over there!
I borrowed a few trolls from some authors, so bonus points if you can guess who. I hope my story gives you a smile!
StoriesOnline link: Morality
Morality
By jomar
<I>The last four public comments in this story are actual verbatim comments from anonymous readers to several Literotica authors. Thank you very much.</I>
*****
“Come on up to bed, honey.”
“I will. Just a few more minutes.”
“You always say that you know, and then hours later you finally come up.”
“I know, I know. Just a few more things to take care of, then I’ll be up. I promise.”
“Okay,” she sighed. “But if you come up in the next fifteen minutes I’ll make it worth your <I>whiiile</I>,” Sheila sing-songed then barked, “After that you’re on your own, bub.”
Finally I had some peace and quiet and could devote at least a few minutes to one of my favorite hobbies – giving constructive feedback to Literotica authors. I’m a registered member and often lurk on the forums, but never really say anything. I’m mainly there to try and understand the writers. You know, what motivates them, how they think, what their experiences and passions are. I think knowing them better allows me to be more helpful in my critiques of their stories. I really want to offer something useful to help them on their journey as writers. I’m not much of a writer myself, mind you, but I have a gift for giving meaningful feedback, if I do say so myself.
It was an unseasonably warm night so I was wearing my wife-beater and loose cotton athletic shorts. I like wearing loose cotton shorts when reviewing Literotica stories. Every now and then I stumble across a story that really gets me going and I can just reach into the leg of the shorts and wank as needed.
I clicked my Literotica bookmark, the one for the new stories page. I thought I’d review just one tonight and then go get some of that wholesome lovin’ Sheila promised. I had a big glass of cabernet opposite my mouse. I’d stayed with wine since dinner and had a nice, light buzz going. I took a gulp and got started.
Loving Wives is the category I prefer to read. It just fits with my personal beliefs better. I mean, I consider myself a pretty tolerant guy but let’s face it, all that crossdressing, transsexual, interracial, fetish and fag stuff is simply unnatural. Though sometimes I do feel compelled to read stories in the immoral categories, mainly to keep abreast of the depravity so I can speak out against it in an informed manner. Naturally, I write comments to those lost and troubled authors. Many times I email them as well, often recommending they contact a local mental health professional.
I scanned the new stories and one looked intriguing. It was called <I>Devotion</I> and the description said “Prim wife lets loose.” I clicked on it, took a gulp of wine and started to read.
The story was moderately well written and the action flowed logically. Unfortunately, the author weaved personality traits and physical attributes throughout the story, letting the characters unfold. I think this is a bit of an error. Authors should tell me up front how people look, things like measurements and if the woman is a blonde, has big tits and a shaved twat, for example. I mean, otherwise, how am I supposed to know what to visualize?
Anyway, the story was about a woman who was an inhibited, sexually inexperienced virgin when she got married, but with her husband’s gentle tutoring, and big cock, turned into a wildcat in the bedroom. I clicked the button to leave a public comment.
5
Awesome story
1/27/07 by Anonymous
This story just rang so realistic and true. It even parallels my own experience! Well done!!
I always leave anonymous comments. It’s just quicker that way since I don’t have to enter my username and password. It’s also kind fun to say I’m from different places around the globe. Silly maybe, but amusing.
I took another gulp, refilled my wine glass (the spigots on box wines are so convenient, what a brilliant idea!) and scanned for another interesting story.
<I>Temptation</I>. Hmmm. It was in Loving Wives as well and the description indicated it was about a woman whose co-worker was flirting with her and tempting her to cheat on her husband. I scanned the story and was disappointed to find that the “temptation” was an attraction to another woman, not that I can’t get into that, but it would be wrong to go behind her husband’s back. Lets’ see, I give it a three.
3
Close to zero
1/27/07 by Anonymous
I’m giving your story a 3 only because the wife didn’t act on her attraction. That would be against the sanctity of marriage and therefore morally wrong, as well as wrong in the eyes of God if the husband didn’t support it. Keep writing though, you have a nice style!
I reviewed my comment while I finished my drink, was satisfied with it and hit submit. I’m pleased when authors express some proper core values in their stories.
I filled the glass again and noticed that Sheila’s 15 minute time limit had expired. <I>Dangit</I>! Well, at least I could continue my important work at Literotica. I took a gulp and scanned the list. I took another drink and clicked on a LW story about couple who have threesome with another man.
Okay, that could be hot. I mean, there was that time I sort of remember when Sheila and I got really drunk on vacation and somehow ended up fooling around with another couple. That was righteous because it was consensual and I was there and the guy didn’t touch me at all. At least I don’t remember anything like that and I certainly couldn’t imagine something like that ever happening. It was really hot to see Sheila and the woman make out, though!
The story was well written, the action developed naturally. The characters seemed real and the wife was beautiful, playful and seductive. I reached into the leg of my shorts, got a nice overhand reverse pull going and read on. Oh, this is good...after dinner, drinking and flirting, the woman danced with the man and suggested a threesome. She was modeling lingerie and...what the hell? She’s wearing a strapon? And the Godless author has the two men having sex with each other!?! Damn right I’m going to comment. Definitely a goose egg.
0
Oh, the world is full of stupid idiot wimp writers
1/27/07 by Anonymous
This is just a gay story and you must be a goober gobbler for writing it! The men should be fucking the woman, not each other! You will rot in hell unless you repent!!!
Incredible what people write. It just makes my blood boil! What are these authors thinking! Where is the morality here? Don’t they realize they could corrupt innocent minds, for crying out loud? These authors have a responsibility to uphold the moral fabric of society. Why can’t they write wholesome porn, the kind that extols family values? Shit! It pisses me off!
I took a drink and scanned the list. I clicked on a story as I took a gulp and almost spewed wine on the monitor I was so shocked. It was about a father who fucked his daughter! What kind of sick bastard would do that! I must have clicked on a story from a heathen category by accident.
0
nother rape fantasy disguised as a story
1/27/07 by Anonymous in San Rafael
What a sensitive SOB the male character is. "I'm going to fuck the shit out of you," he says. And of course, as always happens in these "stories" in a couple of minutes, the rape victim comes to like being raped. In your dreams. In real life they call the adult protective agency and they call the PO-lice.
There are some sick people in the world! I took a swig and refilled my glass and scanned the list. Hmm...here was a story by a respected author who was actually e-published, so it should be well written and a good tale. I took another drink and read. Oh hell no! It was about a guy who comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man. The spineless son of a bitch ends up holding her and consoling her? Fuck that shit! Definitely a big fat zero.
0
DONT quit your day job bitch
1/27/07 by Anonymous
There are not enough low values to give you for this awful pointless WIMP story. Does anyone know why she cheated? she didnt know where she was? or who she was?
I was so agitated I added a second comment.
0
you suck
1/27/07 by Anonymous in usa
why you write this crap? i don't blame the lover for saying i call you later.he fucks your wife in your bed and you look stupid and act stupid.the wife new all you were was a bag of air,talk and talk.
I had to calm down. How could she possibly be a loving wife. Wimp motherfucker. I had another couple of gulps and angrily clicked on another story.
Okay, okay, this story looked promising. It was from an author who has a lot of those red H’s and was about a woman and her ass, which was beautiful and great for licking or fucking. And the lucky lead knew asses since he’d fucked so many. Not much dialog though. No big deal there, but then I read the part where he was licking her asshole. No way! He never said she’d had a bath and cleaned herself! Gross! How can I be turned on if I don’t know if she’s squeaky clean! Besides, licking assholes is gay! I took a gulp of wine and typed.
0
Stinky bullshit
1/27/07 by Anonymous in USofA
You are a sick motherfucker. The other queers will love this piss-poor excuse for a story. not like so smelly stink storeys next time you write nice
I took another swig, refilled my glass, drank some more and clicked on a story.
Oh, good. This one was another threesome story. As I read it I got turned on and started my well practiced private massage. Oh yes, this is good. The action is hot, hot, hot. I had a little trouble focusing so shook my head and took another swig.
Oh my god, this author <I>is</I> good. Whoever it is, they write super hot action and I was fast approaching a happy ending.
Oh yeah, the wife is getting a double penetration. God, I love that! The guy in her ass pulls out and comes around the side of the bed and, oh my god, it turns out he’s black and, oh my god, he puts his dick in the husband’s mouth and, oh my god, the college age fraternal twins are naked and on the bed and, oh my god, I came and came and came and came....
I was a bullet train hurtling toward a mountainside tunnel and the moment I pierced the entrance I became the tunnel. The train left me and sped around a curve and I was running down a glistening urban street deep in the ghetto in the middle of the night, but I wasn’t getting anywhere and I was scared yet curiously aroused. From a world away I heard Sheila calling my name and a brilliant white tractor beam snapped me up into the sky toward her voice, which grew louder and louder until I opened my eyes and heard her angrily say, “What the hell are you doing on the floor again? I thought we discussed this! Hurry up and get your ass dressed. It’s your turn to lead bible study this week.”
Walking upstairs to take a shower I felt some shame for passing out again, and at the edge of my vision, just out of reach, I could almost hear a vague, fluttery call. As I stepped into the shower I decided to lead a discussion on the evils of erotica in bible study this morning. And later, I’d take a close look at those toplists!
As I washed my hair, face, chest and worked my way down an image, unbidden, popped into my mind; a disturbing image of a black man with an inhumanly large penis making love to my Sheila. I heard her cries of passion urging him on while I sat helplessly by, playing with myself and waiting until they were ready for me to clean them both up. It was so disgusting that I had to do something! Desperate to distract myself I thought of my sister, my mother and that guy at work while I vigorously washed myself over and over and Ohhhhhhh!
I joined an anti-porn group the next day and we’re e-picketing Literotica in two weeks.
I put it on StoriesOnline and provided a link as well as pasted the story below. Since its appeal would be mostly to Lit authors, it's getting killed at SOL - if you like the story it could use some pity votes over there!
I borrowed a few trolls from some authors, so bonus points if you can guess who. I hope my story gives you a smile!
StoriesOnline link: Morality
Morality
By jomar
<I>The last four public comments in this story are actual verbatim comments from anonymous readers to several Literotica authors. Thank you very much.</I>
*****
“Come on up to bed, honey.”
“I will. Just a few more minutes.”
“You always say that you know, and then hours later you finally come up.”
“I know, I know. Just a few more things to take care of, then I’ll be up. I promise.”
“Okay,” she sighed. “But if you come up in the next fifteen minutes I’ll make it worth your <I>whiiile</I>,” Sheila sing-songed then barked, “After that you’re on your own, bub.”
Finally I had some peace and quiet and could devote at least a few minutes to one of my favorite hobbies – giving constructive feedback to Literotica authors. I’m a registered member and often lurk on the forums, but never really say anything. I’m mainly there to try and understand the writers. You know, what motivates them, how they think, what their experiences and passions are. I think knowing them better allows me to be more helpful in my critiques of their stories. I really want to offer something useful to help them on their journey as writers. I’m not much of a writer myself, mind you, but I have a gift for giving meaningful feedback, if I do say so myself.
It was an unseasonably warm night so I was wearing my wife-beater and loose cotton athletic shorts. I like wearing loose cotton shorts when reviewing Literotica stories. Every now and then I stumble across a story that really gets me going and I can just reach into the leg of the shorts and wank as needed.
I clicked my Literotica bookmark, the one for the new stories page. I thought I’d review just one tonight and then go get some of that wholesome lovin’ Sheila promised. I had a big glass of cabernet opposite my mouse. I’d stayed with wine since dinner and had a nice, light buzz going. I took a gulp and got started.
Loving Wives is the category I prefer to read. It just fits with my personal beliefs better. I mean, I consider myself a pretty tolerant guy but let’s face it, all that crossdressing, transsexual, interracial, fetish and fag stuff is simply unnatural. Though sometimes I do feel compelled to read stories in the immoral categories, mainly to keep abreast of the depravity so I can speak out against it in an informed manner. Naturally, I write comments to those lost and troubled authors. Many times I email them as well, often recommending they contact a local mental health professional.
I scanned the new stories and one looked intriguing. It was called <I>Devotion</I> and the description said “Prim wife lets loose.” I clicked on it, took a gulp of wine and started to read.
The story was moderately well written and the action flowed logically. Unfortunately, the author weaved personality traits and physical attributes throughout the story, letting the characters unfold. I think this is a bit of an error. Authors should tell me up front how people look, things like measurements and if the woman is a blonde, has big tits and a shaved twat, for example. I mean, otherwise, how am I supposed to know what to visualize?
Anyway, the story was about a woman who was an inhibited, sexually inexperienced virgin when she got married, but with her husband’s gentle tutoring, and big cock, turned into a wildcat in the bedroom. I clicked the button to leave a public comment.
5
Awesome story
1/27/07 by Anonymous
This story just rang so realistic and true. It even parallels my own experience! Well done!!
I always leave anonymous comments. It’s just quicker that way since I don’t have to enter my username and password. It’s also kind fun to say I’m from different places around the globe. Silly maybe, but amusing.
I took another gulp, refilled my wine glass (the spigots on box wines are so convenient, what a brilliant idea!) and scanned for another interesting story.
<I>Temptation</I>. Hmmm. It was in Loving Wives as well and the description indicated it was about a woman whose co-worker was flirting with her and tempting her to cheat on her husband. I scanned the story and was disappointed to find that the “temptation” was an attraction to another woman, not that I can’t get into that, but it would be wrong to go behind her husband’s back. Lets’ see, I give it a three.
3
Close to zero
1/27/07 by Anonymous
I’m giving your story a 3 only because the wife didn’t act on her attraction. That would be against the sanctity of marriage and therefore morally wrong, as well as wrong in the eyes of God if the husband didn’t support it. Keep writing though, you have a nice style!
I reviewed my comment while I finished my drink, was satisfied with it and hit submit. I’m pleased when authors express some proper core values in their stories.
I filled the glass again and noticed that Sheila’s 15 minute time limit had expired. <I>Dangit</I>! Well, at least I could continue my important work at Literotica. I took a gulp and scanned the list. I took another drink and clicked on a LW story about couple who have threesome with another man.
Okay, that could be hot. I mean, there was that time I sort of remember when Sheila and I got really drunk on vacation and somehow ended up fooling around with another couple. That was righteous because it was consensual and I was there and the guy didn’t touch me at all. At least I don’t remember anything like that and I certainly couldn’t imagine something like that ever happening. It was really hot to see Sheila and the woman make out, though!
The story was well written, the action developed naturally. The characters seemed real and the wife was beautiful, playful and seductive. I reached into the leg of my shorts, got a nice overhand reverse pull going and read on. Oh, this is good...after dinner, drinking and flirting, the woman danced with the man and suggested a threesome. She was modeling lingerie and...what the hell? She’s wearing a strapon? And the Godless author has the two men having sex with each other!?! Damn right I’m going to comment. Definitely a goose egg.
0
Oh, the world is full of stupid idiot wimp writers
1/27/07 by Anonymous
This is just a gay story and you must be a goober gobbler for writing it! The men should be fucking the woman, not each other! You will rot in hell unless you repent!!!
Incredible what people write. It just makes my blood boil! What are these authors thinking! Where is the morality here? Don’t they realize they could corrupt innocent minds, for crying out loud? These authors have a responsibility to uphold the moral fabric of society. Why can’t they write wholesome porn, the kind that extols family values? Shit! It pisses me off!
I took a drink and scanned the list. I clicked on a story as I took a gulp and almost spewed wine on the monitor I was so shocked. It was about a father who fucked his daughter! What kind of sick bastard would do that! I must have clicked on a story from a heathen category by accident.
0
nother rape fantasy disguised as a story
1/27/07 by Anonymous in San Rafael
What a sensitive SOB the male character is. "I'm going to fuck the shit out of you," he says. And of course, as always happens in these "stories" in a couple of minutes, the rape victim comes to like being raped. In your dreams. In real life they call the adult protective agency and they call the PO-lice.
There are some sick people in the world! I took a swig and refilled my glass and scanned the list. Hmm...here was a story by a respected author who was actually e-published, so it should be well written and a good tale. I took another drink and read. Oh hell no! It was about a guy who comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man. The spineless son of a bitch ends up holding her and consoling her? Fuck that shit! Definitely a big fat zero.
0
DONT quit your day job bitch
1/27/07 by Anonymous
There are not enough low values to give you for this awful pointless WIMP story. Does anyone know why she cheated? she didnt know where she was? or who she was?
I was so agitated I added a second comment.
0
you suck
1/27/07 by Anonymous in usa
why you write this crap? i don't blame the lover for saying i call you later.he fucks your wife in your bed and you look stupid and act stupid.the wife new all you were was a bag of air,talk and talk.
I had to calm down. How could she possibly be a loving wife. Wimp motherfucker. I had another couple of gulps and angrily clicked on another story.
Okay, okay, this story looked promising. It was from an author who has a lot of those red H’s and was about a woman and her ass, which was beautiful and great for licking or fucking. And the lucky lead knew asses since he’d fucked so many. Not much dialog though. No big deal there, but then I read the part where he was licking her asshole. No way! He never said she’d had a bath and cleaned herself! Gross! How can I be turned on if I don’t know if she’s squeaky clean! Besides, licking assholes is gay! I took a gulp of wine and typed.
0
Stinky bullshit
1/27/07 by Anonymous in USofA
You are a sick motherfucker. The other queers will love this piss-poor excuse for a story. not like so smelly stink storeys next time you write nice
I took another swig, refilled my glass, drank some more and clicked on a story.
Oh, good. This one was another threesome story. As I read it I got turned on and started my well practiced private massage. Oh yes, this is good. The action is hot, hot, hot. I had a little trouble focusing so shook my head and took another swig.
Oh my god, this author <I>is</I> good. Whoever it is, they write super hot action and I was fast approaching a happy ending.
Oh yeah, the wife is getting a double penetration. God, I love that! The guy in her ass pulls out and comes around the side of the bed and, oh my god, it turns out he’s black and, oh my god, he puts his dick in the husband’s mouth and, oh my god, the college age fraternal twins are naked and on the bed and, oh my god, I came and came and came and came....
I was a bullet train hurtling toward a mountainside tunnel and the moment I pierced the entrance I became the tunnel. The train left me and sped around a curve and I was running down a glistening urban street deep in the ghetto in the middle of the night, but I wasn’t getting anywhere and I was scared yet curiously aroused. From a world away I heard Sheila calling my name and a brilliant white tractor beam snapped me up into the sky toward her voice, which grew louder and louder until I opened my eyes and heard her angrily say, “What the hell are you doing on the floor again? I thought we discussed this! Hurry up and get your ass dressed. It’s your turn to lead bible study this week.”
Walking upstairs to take a shower I felt some shame for passing out again, and at the edge of my vision, just out of reach, I could almost hear a vague, fluttery call. As I stepped into the shower I decided to lead a discussion on the evils of erotica in bible study this morning. And later, I’d take a close look at those toplists!
As I washed my hair, face, chest and worked my way down an image, unbidden, popped into my mind; a disturbing image of a black man with an inhumanly large penis making love to my Sheila. I heard her cries of passion urging him on while I sat helplessly by, playing with myself and waiting until they were ready for me to clean them both up. It was so disgusting that I had to do something! Desperate to distract myself I thought of my sister, my mother and that guy at work while I vigorously washed myself over and over and Ohhhhhhh!
I joined an anti-porn group the next day and we’re e-picketing Literotica in two weeks.
