Regarding Children in the home?

[maddi]

In a few threads lately small references have been made to relationships that occur even though children are in the home. I tried to do a little search and didn't really find out anymore information regarding practicing while children in the home.

I really want to expand our relationship to include more day time hours but I am not into introducing my children into the lifestyle. Right now I do think we are doing a pretty good job although my teenagers are getting a little bit curious about all the UPS packages at my home.

Does anyone have advice that might help? Or is anyone in a 24/7 relationship with the normal daily activities of life that include kids? I am just always trying to improve our life and would love suggestions?

Thanks

Maddi

 

[lost]

Here is something MsWorthy wrote. (i hope this isn't a prob to link this)

The Family Room Sub

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Here's a thread that was started a bit ago about TPE and parenting. My thoughts and ways with my kids are in there...

TPE and Parenting

If you want more from me, just ask.
~smile~
dixi

 

[maddi]

Thank you to everyone I read the complete TPE thread and am now going to the web site.


I am greatful for the information.

Maddi

 

[Ebonyfire]

In a few threads lately small references have been made to relationships that occur even though children are in the home. I tried to do a little search and didn't really find out anymore information regarding practicing while children in the home.

I really want to expand our relationship to include more day time hours but I am not into introducing my children into the lifestyle. Right now I do think we are doing a pretty good job although my teenagers are getting a little bit curious about all the UPS packages at my home.

Does anyone have advice that might help? Or is anyone in a 24/7 relationship with the normal daily activities of life that include kids? I am just always trying to improve our life and would love suggestions?

Thanks

Maddi

You mean besides locking up your toys, and making sure they cannot find the key? Or becareful what you say in case they talk to their friends?

I have a friend who was outed by the neighbors kids cause their kids had found out a few things and talked to their play pals.

Ebony

 

[maddi]

Actually Ebony you are so insightful....

That is a large part of it. For example we had been using or bed tie downs until very late one night (we lock our door of course). We always reopen our door after we are finished and put away our toys except we didn't tuck the tie down back in correctly.

Sure enough my daughter comes walking in the room (no knock)the next morning and of course she sees the black tie downs and attached wrist cuffs. This is the person who can't see anything right in front of her and she saw those. Good thing she asked my husband about that because I don't know what I would have said.

Right now all they complain about is that we are always in our room having sex. With the exception of my husband embarrasing my daughter once by untying my blouse in a public place when he thought no one was looking. (Which he will never do again) We try to keep everything a secret or explainable with a very vanilla tint. I am afraid they will say something.

Lets face it the military community is not exactly forward thinking. and this would not go over at all.

And finally we would like to develop a few more rituals that will pass as normal to our children or the world and are concerned about that.

Thanks

Maddi

 

[Ebonyfire]

Actually Ebony you are so insightful....

That is a large part of it. For example we had been using or bed tie downs until very late one night (we lock our door of course). We always reopen our door after we are finished and put away our toys except we didn't tuck the tie down back in correctly.

Sure enough my daughter comes walking in the room (no knock)the next morning and of course she sees the black tie downs and attached wrist cuffs. This is the person who can't see anything right in front of her and she saw those. Good thing she asked my husband about that because I don't know what I would have said.

Right now all they complain about is that we are always in our room having sex. With the exception of my husband embarrasing my daughter once by untying my blouse in a public place when he thought no one was looking. (Which he will never do again) We try to keep everything a secret or explainable with a very vanilla tint. I am afraid they will say something.

Lets face it the military community is not exactly forward thinking. and this would not go over at all.

And finally we would like to develop a few more rituals that will pass as normal to our children or the world and are concerned about that.

Thanks

Maddi

yah, kids have elephant memories. And they notice a lot more than we as adults give them credit for. I know that many of the couple on this list have posted advice. You might want to check NemoAlia's dictionary thread for the links.

As they get older it gets a bit easier. I have a 16 year old with me so I never play in my apartment. I have a locked footlocker that is kept locked and the key is well hidden.

I also make sure I have ways to tell if she has been in my bedroom. Teenagers almost always search their adult's rooms. MY daughter did, and she never could find out HOw I knew she was in there. I had booby traps that would let me know that someone was in my stuff!

Ebony

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Actually Ebony you are so insightful....

That is a large part of it. For example we had been using or bed tie downs until very late one night (we lock our door of course). We always reopen our door after we are finished and put away our toys except we didn't tuck the tie down back in correctly.

Sure enough my daughter comes walking in the room (no knock)the next morning and of course she sees the black tie downs and attached wrist cuffs. This is the person who can't see anything right in front of her and she saw those. Good thing she asked my husband about that because I don't know what I would have said.

Right now all they complain about is that we are always in our room having sex. With the exception of my husband embarrasing my daughter once by untying my blouse in a public place when he thought no one was looking. (Which he will never do again) We try to keep everything a secret or explainable with a very vanilla tint. I am afraid they will say something.

Lets face it the military community is not exactly forward thinking. and this would not go over at all.

And finally we would like to develop a few more rituals that will pass as normal to our children or the world and are concerned about that.

Thanks

Maddi

Yes Maddi,
You are most correct about the military community. We are in that same boat. Master is an Army soldier higher ranking and what we do could end his career and land him in military prison.

It really sounds like you have a handle on the keeping things normal aspect of the game with the kids that is. As for adding more rituals, there are ways to go about that and make it seem normal too.

Richard started a thread several months ago in which a few of us told about the things we do, this is the link to that one too... 24/7 TPE - What does it look like

There are so many ways to do things so as to not raise eyebrows or red flags with the nilla community. It just takes imagination.

I hope this helps you a little more. If I think of something else that might help I'll be back to post it as well.

~smle~
dixi

 

[WriterDom]

Actually Ebony you are so insightful....

Good thing she asked my husband about that because I don't know what I would have said.

Maddi

Well, what did he say?

 

[jfaustus]

teach your children well

I understand wanting to keep your lifestyle secret from a community that would crucify you if word got 'round about what you do in your bedromm. Stupid, narrowminded Puritannical bullshit but a fact nonetheless. And I can understand, in that context, keeping younger kinds in the dark. They'll blurt out whatever whenever! Can you imagine in 1st grade class, "And then Daddy put Mommy in handcuffs and..." Yikes!

But on a more serious note, what about when they're older? Ebony, you mentioned having a 16-year old around. I think a large part of my healthy, tolerant attitude to sex -- 'vanilla' and 'alternative' -- comes from my parents being extremely open about their sexuality. Granted, they weren't into anything super extreme -- Ebony's right, I used to search their room top to bottom and never found much beyond a few random toys -- but often had some alternative porn stashed around and made sure I understood that all forms of sexual expression were okay.

Do any of you think about actively teaching your children about the lifestyle, explaining it as one of the many forms of sexual expression? If you do or have, at what age is it appropriate to start?

-jfaustus

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: teach your children well

Do any of you think about actively teaching your children about the lifestyle, explaining it as one of the many forms of sexual expression? If you do or have, at what age is it appropriate to start?

-jfaustus

I think that is dangerous ground. I do not think my lifestyle is my teenager's business.

I keep my vanilla sex life out of her sight, and so I will keep the BDSM out of her sight too. It worked just fine with my daughter who is 22 and married.

I am a single parent, and I have always kept my private life private. My kids know about sex and life, they are not ignorant, they are just not privy to Mine. Others may feel differently.

Eb

 

[MissTaken]

I am with EB on this one.

Sex is a matter to be kept private.

Certainly, my friends and family don't know the play by play of my sex life, my children shouldnt' either.

The threads referenced share some ideas and thoughts about the balancing act that parents must do to engage in what can be overt and disruptive sexual activities. (Dont' wake the babes with shouting or praising your Master, now subbies.)

Of course, you wouldnt' want to wake the children with the bed rocking during good, old fashioned intercourse, either.

 

[jfaustus]

Just for the sake of clarity, my parents (I'm now 27, btw) didn't have an 'open door' policy, nor did we sit around at breakfast and discuss what great sex they'd had the night before. But they didn't go to great lengths to conceal what they were into, either. I don't remember ever being woken up by them, and certainly never walked in on them (though my sister did once).

At any rate, I think there's a difference between 'private' and 'hidden' or 'secretive'. And whereas the former is fine, I think the latter might contribute to the ridiculously repressive sexual culture in the US. I'm not saying this about anyone specific, just a general point.

-jfaustus

 

[MissTaken]

I do think that BDSM is something that we, as individuals need to discover, or not.

As I posted on one of the referenced threads, I remember talking with a Dom who discussed the children's, my children's , being "raised" in the lifestyle.

He was NOT suggesting tying them up or excessive corporal punishment! (Clarifying this as I did not previously and took some negative feedback.)

Anyway, his thought was they should learn the unlimited deference to HIM. That my daughter should have an arranged marriage. That she should be trained to submit at a young age. That the children would learn traditional male/female roles as can be found in the "Old School" D/s families. None of this is acceptable to me.

I also know of someone who was raised in such a manner, arranged marriage and all. Finding herself alone and widowed, she struggled for a bit in terms of decision making and finding her own independence. In this day and age, women must have an ability to make decisions, express themselves, protect themselves and not view themselves as subservient to men. LOL I remember buying my first car as a single gal! OUCH!

It was not easy for my friend, learning to be independent, and while I have never asked her, I know that she didn't raise her children into the lifestyle. Hence, I imagine she sees the downside as well.

 

[jfaustus]

Not arguing here. Good points, MissT and a scary scenario -- deliberately raising a child to be submissve.

What I meant was not so much raising someone into the lifestyle as raising them aware of the lifestyle. Kids grow up knowing that one parent's a lawyer and the other a writer, and that they can shoose to be either or neither. It could be the same with sexuality.

*now being deliberately provocative*

What's the difference, MissT, in your description of raising someone into the lifestyle and raising them into a religion?

-jfaustus

 

[Grvdigger]

You have some good points there MissT. I think there is a differnce between raising children in the lifestyle and making them aware of it. In schools now when they discuss sex they talk about alternative lifestyles as being gay but nothing about D/s. But it could be brought up in the home when the children are old enought. When is that, it depends on the kids and the parents. Mine are very young now and have no need for that talk. but when it is time I will sit down and explain things to them as I see them. Not to encourge them in anyway, but to let them knw it is ok to take a differnt path than what society says is acceptable.

 

[MissTaken]

*now being deliberately provocative*

What's the difference, MissT, in your description of raising someone into the lifestyle and raising them into a religion?

-jfaustus

Ohhhh! You ain't fightin fair!

The difference isn't that great, actually, for me. My children will be and are being raised in my chosen religion, but will never be discouraged from exploring other religions.

They will be told about intercourse and basic sexuality. They will know what oral sex is from me. They will not discover hand cuffs and nipple clamps here, although I wouldn't discourage their exploring these sorts of things. And yes, would likely answer questions they may have.

Frankly, in my family, while our religion is practiced "publicly." How we practice individually is a very private matter. I dont' ask mom what she is praying about or how many rosaries she says. Nor does she ask me when the last time I went to confession was. (Yep. I am Catholic.)

Some things are just meant not to be shared. Furthermore, how I practice Catholicism varies greatly from how my dear ole mum does.....individual interpretation, perchance?

The same could be said for sexuality. Here are the basics, do what you will.

 

[MissTaken]

Additional personal info

I am a single mom with two small children. Hence, this effects my perspective when I am discussing any issues involving children.

Who knows? Ten years from now, when they are teens, perhaps I will decide to play show and tell with my toy box?



ERrrr I think not!

 

[jfaustus]

OK, I'm going to go out on a limb here. I don't know if I buy everything I'm about to say, but I love sparking discussion so here goes:

I read the other linked threads, along with this one. And, as with most things, there's a continuum. On one end might be Mom/Dad spanking the shit out of the tightly bound other in the middle of the living room. On the other might be never, ever talking about sex at all, and having all your play outside the house (motel, rented dungeon, etc.). I wouldn't subscribe to either end. So the question is where in the vast middle ground do you locate yourself.

So let me ask what I think are some relevant questions. How many people on this board came to the life easily? For how many was it an agonizing choice, a progreessive shedding of preconceptions of a world populated by shady, violent sociopaths? How many different threads do we have here (and, I'm sure, at other forums) about the bad rep BDSM has in mainstream society, about the ridiculous and unfounded hostility? But we're here because whatever it is inside drove us past all those stereotypes, convinced us that we could also (could only) be sane by expressing ourselves through 'extreme sex.'

If all that's true, if it's normal and healthy to make the choices we've made or are making, why hide it from your children? I was struck when reading the thread on 24/7 TPE and children that even the most liberal posters talked about how 'normal' they appeared in front of the kids. I know, I know, 27/7 TPE is particularly extreme and there are a lot of reasons it probably shouldn't be paraded in full glory in front of kids. Just using it as a springboard, not ironclad support for my argument.

Have we truly and deeply accepted ourselves and our choices if we feel we have to present a 'normal' face to our children? And if we refuse to even discuss BDSM with them, aren't we depriving them of the possibility of painlessly learning about the different aspects of sexuality? What if they become interested later and go through the same agony? What if, worse, they're among the many who probably need to be interested and involved but never get past the taboos? They'll never even know what's missing.

Again, don't know if I buy this myself, but let me toss out a possible punchline: Once you've done all the hard work of getting past bass-ackwards cultural bullshit, don't you have an affirmative duty to educate your children about -- never into -- the lifestyle?

*waiting for the flood*

-jfaustus

 

[NemoAlia]

maddi -- Hi and welcome!

Have you checked the "Children" section of the library? There are other great threads there.

 

[MsWorthy]

Orginally posted by jfaustus

OK, I'm going to go out on a limb here. I don't know if I buy everything I'm about to say, but I love sparking discussion so here goes:

I read the other linked threads, along with this one. And, as with most things, there's a continuum. On one end might be Mom/Dad spanking the shit out of the tightly bound other in the middle of the living room. On the other might be never, ever talking about sex at all, and having all your play outside the house (motel, rented dungeon, etc.). I wouldn't subscribe to either end. So the question is where in the vast middle ground do you locate yourself.

So let me ask what I think are some relevant questions. How many people on this board came to the life easily? For how many was it an agonizing choice, a progreessive shedding of preconceptions of a world populated by shady, violent sociopaths? How many different threads do we have here (and, I'm sure, at other forums) about the bad rep BDSM has in mainstream society, about the ridiculous and unfounded hostility? But we're here because whatever it is inside drove us past all those stereotypes, convinced us that we could also (could only) be sane by expressing ourselves through 'extreme sex.'

I think this is the crux of the matter: "But we're here because whatever it is inside drove us past all those stereotypes, convinced us that we could also (could only) be sane by expressing ourselves through 'extreme sex.'"

Because bdsm is so inherently dangerous, both emotionally and physically, my opinion is that one needs to feel driven/pulled/drawn to understand/accept this type of expression of the self.

I don't think a bdsm lifestyle is something teenagers, who are just trying to figure who they are and if they do have any power, should be playing with. The potential for harm, both of the self and the partner, is too high.

Although many areas of bdsm can be entered into lightly/playfully, with little risk of danger (light spanking, holding hands down during sex) much of it requires both knowledge and skill. So, if you are talking about mild kink in the bedroom, J, I agree with you and feel that this information can be passed on to children (although, I don't know why you would do such a thing, surely if they have a desire for such things she/he can simply do it during sex with her/his partner, without mom or dad having told them it is ok to do.)

However, if you are talking about a lifestyle, there is much more to it than casual play and it requires some understanding of communication, motivation, self-esteem, hotspots/buttons, cultural/peer pressure, and learned physical skills. These are not something I would trust a teenager to take seriously and put the required effort into.

In my opinion, the teen/20s are a phase of life in which we learn who we are, what we like, and what we need in order to live happily. This is a period of experimentation, and there is much to learn about life, sex, and personality preferences without adding a power exchange and erotic pain into the mix. One must first learn to recognize her/his own power before she/he can give up this power. And, one must learn about "regular" pleasure before she/he can determine whether painful pleasure is something healthy for her/him.

If all that's true, if it's normal and healthy to make the choices we've made or are making, why hide it from your children?

(if you are talking about a playstyle, the following point is moot, because it certainly is a choice to add some kink to your sex life)

In my opinion, thinking of a bdsm lifestyle as a choice is missing the point. Yes, certainly, you decide to give in to what you need to make yourself happy, but if your only choice is between giving in and accepting your needs or living in pain/confusion/guilt, what choice is there, really.

Bdsm, as a lifestyle, is so far outside of the "norm", and has such a potential for harm that, I think, one should go through some growing pains before jumping into it head first. These growing pains will teach you about yourself, and give you some insight into those who may become your potential partners. They will prepare you for the *role* you have "chosen" for yourself and will open your eyes to the qualities/kinks/styles of those who "chose" the yang style to your yin.

I am not suggesting that you act as though bdsm is some nasty, evil choice, but I do not think it is something you bring up as an option or alternative to "nilla" life. If your children have questions about bdsm then you should certainly answer them, but as with sex in general, it should not be a discussion that you initiate with your children (other than to discuss STDs and safe sex). If it is something they are drawn to or feel a need for, they will ask. All you need do is be approachable. If you have been approachable in other areas and have not voiced any prejudice/bias against alternative lifestyles, then your kids will feel that they can come to you.

I was struck when reading the thread on 24/7 TPE and children that even the most liberal posters talked about how 'normal' they appeared in front of the kids. I know, I know, 27/7 TPE is particularly extreme and there are a lot of reasons it probably shouldn't be paraded in full glory in front of kids. Just using it as a springboard, not ironclad support for my argument.

Parents face many paradoxes when raising children and this is one of them. As hard as kids try to look/dress/act differently they really just want to be one of the crowd. It is very important that they appear "normal" to their peers, whatever normal is to the crowd they are trying to gain entry to. The way kids try to find themselves, their independence, their individuality, is to fight against established authority. That's you, the parents. If you are too different from the perceived boring, clueless, stodgy "norm" of authority, you threaten their ability to break away and remake themselves. Because they need to feel that they are on an even playing field with their peers, they need you to be just as boring and ordinary as their peer's parents.

Nobody asked for a lesson in child rearing, did they. *LOL* But, it really is important to kids that we appear as "normal" as their friend's parents, otherwise they will use too much of their emotional/mental energy trying to fight/hide the stigma of being different (even if the stigma is only in their minds) and have none left to find their own identity.

Kids also look to their parents to know what is normal for grown-ups. You act as sort of an anchor or symbol of security to fall back on when their wanderings make them feel unsafe. If you are too different from what society tells them is "normal" they can become lost when needing that shelter in a storm, because they will not have the strength to weather the stigma (that is attached in their mind) of your *differentness* when they are weak and afraid. They will feel that they have no safe place to fall, no place where they can regroup and stop worrying/defending/wondering who they are.

It is easy to see this fear/inscecurity in kids from homes where alcoholism/drug abuse is practiced in plain site of the kids. And, before you decide that bdsm is obviously different from addiction, remember that to society it isn't. It is viewed as just as damaging/dangerous/harmful to it's practioners and to the children living in this household as addictions.

Have we truly and deeply accepted ourselves and our choices if we feel we have to present a 'normal' face to our children?

You must remember that bdsm is a killing offense. Of course, that is exaggerated, but you get my point. They can take your kids away from you if it becomes known that you practice bdsm. Remember also that much of the bdsm playstyle is *hitting* and/or what will seem like cruelty to those who do not understand the concentual nature of this playstyle.

It isn't a matter of us accepting ourselves, it is a matter of them not accepting us. Until society, in general, can accept our form of expression, it is folly to expect a child/young adult to understand us, and in my opinion, it would be irresponsible to burden a child with the knowledge that her/his parents engage in this sort of criminal, "unacceptable" behavior.

And if we refuse to even discuss BDSM with them, aren't we depriving them of the possibility of painlessly learning about the different aspects of sexuality?

See above.

Reposted in case "see above" is unclear:

Bdsm, as a lifestyle, is so far outside of the "norm", and has such a potential for harm that, I think, one should go through some growing pains before jumping into it head first. These growing pains will teach you about yourself, and give you some insight into those who may become your potential partners. They will prepare you for the *role* you have "chosen" for yourself and will open your eyes to the qualities/kinks/styles of those who "chose" the yang style to your yin.

What if they become interested later and go through the same agony? What if, worse, they're among the many who probably need to be interested and involved but never get past the taboos? They'll never even know what's missing.

If they are drawn to this form of expression, they will search out what they need to know. It is easily attainable now-a-days. As I stated above, if you present yourself as nonbiased and approachable your kids will ask you for help.

Again, don't know if I buy this myself, but let me toss out a possible punchline: Once you've done all the hard work of getting past bass-ackwards cultural bullshit, don't you have an affirmative duty to educate your children about -- never into -- the lifestyle?

No.

As I stated above, if your child asks you, about anything, you should answer in an unbiased (as possible) manner. There is no reason to feel that children must be made aware of every possible option there is in life. In the first place, it would be impossible for a parent to pass on this much information. In the second place, a parent's job is not to put sexual/alternative lifestyle ideas in their children's heads. It is the parent's place to offer accurate information on topics that naturally flow from the kid's own ideas/needs/preferences. Why would a parent even consider bringing up an unsolicited issue that is potentially illegal, dangerous, and inflammatory (just begs for ostrasizism).

 

[Ebonyfire]

I'm not "Worthy"

I think this is the crux of the matter: "But we're here because whatever it is inside drove us past all those stereotypes, convinced us that we could also (could only) be sane by expressing ourselves through 'extreme sex.'"

Because bdsm is so inherently dangerous, both emotionally and physically, my opinion is that one needs to feel driven/pulled/drawn to understand/accept this type of expression of the self.

I don't think a bdsm lifestyle is something teenagers, who are just trying to figure who they are and if they do have any power, should be playing with. The potential for harm, both of the self and the partner, is too high.

Although many areas of bdsm can be entered into lightly/playfully, with little risk of danger (light spanking, holding hands down during sex) much of it requires both knowledge and skill. So, if you are talking about mild kink in the bedroom, J, I agree with you and feel that this information can be passed on to children (although, I don't know why you would do such a thing, surely if they have a desire for such things she/he can simply do it during sex with her/his partner, without mom or dad having told them it is ok to do.)

However, if you are talking about a lifestyle, there is much more to it than casual play and it requires some understanding of communication, motivation, self-esteem, hotspots/buttons, cultural/peer pressure, and learned physical skills. These are not something I would trust a teenager to take seriously and put the required effort into.

In my opinion, the teen/20s are a phase of life in which we learn who we are, what we like, and what we need in order to live happily. This is a period of experimentation, and there is much to learn about life, sex, and personality preferences without adding a power exchange and erotic pain into the mix. One must first learn to recognize her/his own power before she/he can give up this power. And, one must learn about "regular" pleasure before she/he can determine whether painful pleasure is something healthy for her/him.




(if you are talking about a playstyle, the following point is moot, because it certainly is a choice to add some kink to your sex life)

In my opinion, thinking of a bdsm lifestyle as a choice is missing the point. Yes, certainly, you decide to give in to what you need to make yourself happy, but if your only choice is between giving in and accepting your needs or living in pain/confusion/guilt, what choice is there, really.

Bdsm, as a lifestyle, is so far outside of the "norm", and has such a potential for harm that, I think, one should go through some growing pains before jumping into it head first. These growing pains will teach you about yourself, and give you some insight into those who may become your potential partners. They will prepare you for the *role* you have "chosen" for yourself and will open your eyes to the qualities/kinks/styles of those who "chose" the yang style to your yin.

I am not suggesting that you act as though bdsm is some nasty, evil choice, but I do not think it is something you bring up as an option or alternative to "nilla" life. If your children have questions about bdsm then you should certainly answer them, but as with sex in general, it should not be a discussion that you initiate with your children (other than to discuss STDs and safe sex). If it is something they are drawn to or feel a need for, they will ask. All you need do is be approachable. If you have been approachable in other areas and have not voiced any prejudice/bias against alternative lifestyles, then your kids will feel that they can come to you.





Parents face many paradoxes when raising children and this is one of them. As hard as kids try to look/dress/act differently they really just want to be one of the crowd. It is very important that they appear "normal" to their peers, whatever normal is to the crowd they are trying to gain entry to. The way kids try to find themselves, their independence, their individuality, is to fight against established authority. That's you, the parents. If you are too different from the perceived boring, clueless, stodgy "norm" of authority, you threaten their ability to break away and remake themselves. Because they need to feel that they are on an even playing field with their peers, they need you to be just as boring and ordinary as their peer's parents.

Nobody asked for a lesson in child rearing, did they. *LOL* But, it really is important to kids that we appear as "normal" as their friend's parents, otherwise they will use too much of their emotional/mental energy trying to fight/hide the stigma of being different (even if the stigma is only in their minds) and have none left to find their own identity.

Kids also look to their parents to know what is normal for grown-ups. You act as sort of an anchor or symbol of security to fall back on when their wanderings make them feel unsafe. If you are too different from what society tells them is "normal" they can become lost when needing that shelter in a storm, because they will not have the strength to weather the stigma (that is attached in their mind) of your *differentness* when they are weak and afraid. They will feel that they have no safe place to fall, no place where they can regroup and stop worrying/defending/wondering who they are.

It is easy to see this fear/inscecurity in kids from homes where alcoholism/drug abuse is practiced in plain site of the kids. And, before you decide that bdsm is obviously different from addiction, remember that to society it isn't. It is viewed as just as damaging/dangerous/harmful to it's practioners and to the children living in this household as addictions.





You must remember that bdsm is a killing offense. Of course, that is exaggerated, but you get my point. They can take your kids away from you if it becomes known that you practice bdsm. Remember also that much of the bdsm playstyle is *hitting* and/or what will seem like cruelty to those who do not understand the concentual nature of this playstyle.

It isn't a matter of us accepting ourselves, it is a matter of them not accepting us. Until society, in general, can accept our form of expression, it is folly to expect a child/young adult to understand us, and in my opinion, it would be irresponsible to burden a child with the knowledge that her/his parents engage in this sort of criminal, "unacceptable" behavior.





See above.

Reposted in case "see above" is unclear:

Bdsm, as a lifestyle, is so far outside of the "norm", and has such a potential for harm that, I think, one should go through some growing pains before jumping into it head first. These growing pains will teach you about yourself, and give you some insight into those who may become your potential partners. They will prepare you for the *role* you have "chosen" for yourself and will open your eyes to the qualities/kinks/styles of those who "chose" the yang style to your yin.




If they are drawn to this form of expression, they will search out what they need to know. It is easily attainable now-a-days. As I stated above, if you present yourself as nonbiased and approachable your kids will ask you for help.



No.

As I stated above, if your child asks you, about anything, you should answer in an unbiased (as possible) manner. There is no reason to feel that children must be made aware of every possible option there is in life. In the first place, it would be impossible for a parent to pass on this much information. In the second place, a parent's job is not to put sexual/alternative lifestyle ideas in their children's heads. It is the parent's place to offer accurate information on topics that naturally flow from the kid's own ideas/needs/preferences. Why would a parent even consider bringing up an unsolicited issue that is potentially illegal, dangerous, and inflammatory (just begs for ostrasizism).

Damn, you are good, Ms. Worthy! I totally agree.

MY adult daughter knows about me now, she figured it out in the last year or so, after I moved to the east coast.

She has no problem with it, but I am sure she appreciated the "normality" of her childhood. She says she enjoyed it, so that is pretty good in my book.

Eb

 

[maddi]

Re: Well, What did he say?

Sorry it took so long to get back here. It was a kid thing! LOL

Well, what did he say?

I had to ask what he said so this is second hand.

OK, she is 13. So I believe that he told her was that yes, It was mine and it wasn't for sleeping and that she "really didn't want to know" how we used it. Which in our house is the key words to mean that it is a mom and dad sex thing.

As you you know Teens think 34 yr olds are too old to have sex and then she said "OH" and left it at that. She didn't want more info. She has asked several questions regarding sex items but I wait until she really wants to know. Otherwise the answer is EWWWW.

The conversation about nudist camps went better, I guess. (Hey, she asked)


Maddi

 

[maddi]

NemoAlia, Thanks for the idea I will try it.

Thank you everyone for your ideas.

I also did find a website called Midnight's page on aol where she outlines her day as a 24/7 TPE with children. It was terriffic.

I did read the other posts and have to admit I have to re-read them. I am glad that people also found this topic debateable. But I am focusing on the simple fact that:

I love my family. I do not want anyone to go to jail. Especially military prision. (It is the only prision in the united states that still does hard labor - ie rock breaking with pick axes) The military does not have a sense of humor, nor any room for excuses.

I will try to honesly answer any question that I can without jeopardizing our family.

When my children are older, read older than 18, I will try to be more honest. Right now we are trying to teach them to avoid sex, which avoids pregancy 100% of the time, which will give them the opportunity to be any incredible thing that they want.

Once again,
maddi

 

[MsWorthy]

Re: I'm not "Worthy"

Damn, you are good, Ms. Worthy! I totally agree.

MY adult daughter knows about me now, she figured it out in the last year or so, after I moved to the east coast.

She has no problem with it, but I am sure she appreciated the "normality" of her childhood. She says she enjoyed it, so that is pretty good in my book.

Eb

Thank you, Ebony.

I would say that if your daughter said she enjoyed it, then she did. You must have done a good job. Congratulations! It isn't an easy job!