Reflections of ourselves...children who become adult participants in the lifestyle

catalina_francisco

Happily insatiable always
Joined
Jul 29, 2002
Posts
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As a parent and grandparent, I am interested in hearing the views of others in the lifestyle as to *how they would feel/react if their child/ren grew into adults who also participated in BDSM. *Would these feelings be reliant on the age the offspring began to dabble and experience, ie. teenagers/no; adults/okay?
*Would it be a concern if this was their only experience of an intimate relationship never having experienced vanilla? If so, why?
*Would you feel comfortable discussing their choices with them and perhaps sharing some of your experiences and wisdom?

Also I would like to encourage others to add anything they feel relevant or wish to discuss in relation to the topic as I am aware there are many dimensions to the issue.
 
Re: Reflections of ourselves...children who become adult participants in the lifestyle

catalina_francisco said:
As a parent and grandparent, I am interested in hearing the views of others in the lifestyle as to *how they would feel/react if their child/ren grew into adults who also participated in BDSM. *Would these feelings be reliant on the age the offspring began to dabble and experience, ie. teenagers/no; adults/okay?
*Would it be a concern if this was their only experience of an intimate relationship never having experienced vanilla? If so, why?
*Would you feel comfortable discussing their choices with them and perhaps sharing some of your experiences and wisdom?

Also I would like to encourage others to add anything they feel relevant or wish to discuss in relation to the topic as I am aware there are many dimensions to the issue.

I recently had a discussion with my daughter regarding her history with men. She is almost 23 and in college. A very bright and if I might say, beautiful young woman. She has a rudimentary idea of what bdsm and D/s is. I always have been (because of my medical background) very open with my children when they have asked me questions or been in need of advice.

She is very independent, very well read and breed.

She keeps picking bad boys to date. Unfortunately, they are BAD boys, bad for her. But I see her path being very similar to mine in her pursuit of the Good/Smart Bad Boy. They are always intellectually inferior to her and then she tires of them. I have tried to explain to her that she needs a Smart Bad Boy and believe me there are many out there. (My Dom is/was most definately one of them. A career Air Force major who is retired after 20 years, a BS in engineering and now works for an engineering firm. Lancecastor is another example of one.)

Without using the terms sub and Dom or giving her more information than she really needs, I engaged her in this conversation about her choices in male companionship. Her reaction was as if a light bulb came on in her head.

She is in more ways than one, her mother's daughter.
 
Re: Re: Reflections of ourselves...children who become adult participants in the lifestyle

A Desert Rose said:
I recently had a discussion with my daughter regarding her history with men. She is almost 23 and in college. A very bright and if I might say, beautiful young woman. She has a rudimentary idea of what bdsm and D/s is. I always have been (because of my medical background) very open with my children when they have asked me questions or been in need of advice.

She is very independent, very well read and breed.

She keeps picking bad boys to date. Unfortunately, they are BAD boys, bad for her. But I see her path being very similar to mine in her pursuit of the Good/Smart Bad Boy. They are always intellectually inferior to her and then she tires of them. I have tried to explain to her that she needs a Smart Bad Boy and believe me there are many out there. (My Dom is/was most definately one of them. A career Air Force major who is retired after 20 years, a BS in engineering and now works for an engineering firm. Lancecastor is another example of one.)

Without using the terms sub and Dom or giving her more information than she really needs, I engaged her in this conversation about her choices in male companionship. Her reaction was as if a light bulb came on in her head.

She is in more ways than one, her mother's daughter.

Thanks for sharing..was great. I find it very interesting as a parent observing the romantic trials and tribulations our children go through. Though it seems perfectly clear to me what they are needing or looking to find, I try to remain focused on their finding their own feet so to speak while also trying to shed a little hard earned wisdom on the subject. As a parent it is very hard to stand by and watch them go in circles getting hurt and confused and I admire the way you handled the situation with your daughter.
 
Re: Reflections of ourselves...children who become adult participants in the lifestyle

I guess I'm kind of in the "pseudo-parent" role for my lover's children. They both really cool kids, and I have a lot of respect for them.

I'd hate to see them develop anything into a "this is the one true/right/correct way" mentality. Sexuality included. It wouldn't bother me if they experimented with D/s or BDSM or swinging... er, actually, if they were into celibacy that would worry me.

But whatever their choices and desires, I'd hope they learn the importance of being open minded, willingness to experiment and risk a little. If that brings them to BDSM... then cool. But I certainly won't push my own leanings or desires on them.

We did have a laugh about what grandkids should call me though... I suggested "Sir". :D
 
We are way theoretical here...way way way. I'm a not-having-kids type person, but I believe in good frank accessible sexual info for the future generations in a serious way.

If I were approached by....a young person...with questions, curiosities, emerging proclivities...

the only real concern, other than safety and a modicum of caution, is that they might be reaching notions about who they are prematurely. I'd emphasize flexibility, openness, finding many mentors and many models for good relationships.

I never would have thought, as a 16 yo, for example, that I'd have a relationship REMOTELY like the one I have now!

Signs do occur though. For me, bad boys were completely of zero interest. I was always stirred by a gentle, thoughtful, passive, impassive, stoic masculinity.

Hmmmmmm.
 
As usual Netzach, your comments are insightful and honestly open. Mmmmm...sometimes I wonder why I didn't have the wisdom to have that 'no kids ever' thought, other times I think it well worth all the pain, angst, and fristration, not to mention the love...just wish it had an on/off switch. lol!!!

Is interesting how we learn throughout life and evolve into people we sometimes hardly recognise as part of our former selves, and how we can accept ourselves warts and all and celebrate that uniqueness that makes us who we are and will be.

Catalina
 
Re: Re: Reflections of ourselves...children who become adult participants in the lifestyle

A Desert Rose said:
I recently had a discussion with my daughter regarding her history with men. She is almost 23 and in college. A very bright and if I might say, beautiful young woman. She has a rudimentary idea of what bdsm and D/s is. I always have been (because of my medical background) very open with my children when they have asked me questions or been in need of advice.

She is very independent, very well read and breed.

She keeps picking bad boys to date. Unfortunately, they are BAD boys, bad for her. But I see her path being very similar to mine in her pursuit of the Good/Smart Bad Boy. They are always intellectually inferior to her and then she tires of them. I have tried to explain to her that she needs a Smart Bad Boy and believe me there are many out there. (My Dom is/was most definately one of them. A career Air Force major who is retired after 20 years, a BS in engineering and now works for an engineering firm. Lancecastor is another example of one.)

Without using the terms sub and Dom or giving her more information than she really needs, I engaged her in this conversation about her choices in male companionship. Her reaction was as if a light bulb came on in her head.

She is in more ways than one, her mother's daughter.

Thank you for sharing this post. It seems at the age of 20 I run into the same problem on a regular basis. I tire easily with guys that I pick... and Ive always had that problem since I entered the dating scene. If I do happen to find someone who I appreciate and adore they leave or I leave...for reasons unknown...It can be fusterating at times... I realize this is a a little off topic and such but I would appreciate any advice...Sir has given me some...and I do try to listen but mistakes are hard to learn from...when they become patterns.
As for the original question I would try to encourage my child to go with what they felt was best in their heart, and once they feel they have decided I could and would lead them through there journey to the best of my abilities, however I would not push them this way or that way. Sex is sex and I feel it is extremely important to go over safetly measures and so forth, whether it is nilla or BDSM.
~moonie~
:kiss:
:rose:
 
Re: Re: Re: Reflections of ourselves...children who become adult participants in the lifestyle

MoonduskSub said:
Thank you for sharing this post. It seems at the age of 20 I run into the same problem on a regular basis. I tire easily with guys that I pick... and Ive always had that problem since I entered the dating scene. If I do happen to find someone who I appreciate and adore they leave or I leave...for reasons unknown...It can be fusterating at times... I realize this is a a little off topic and such but I would appreciate any advice...Sir has given me some...and I do try to listen but mistakes are hard to learn from...when they become patterns.
As for the original question I would try to encourage my child to go with what they felt was best in their heart, and once they feel they have decided I could and would lead them through there journey to the best of my abilities, however I would not push them this way or that way. Sex is sex and I feel it is extremely important to go over safetly measures and so forth, whether it is nilla or BDSM.
~moonie~
:kiss:
:rose:

Frustrating is right :rolleyes:
She listens but it never sticks
Even about the safety thing
Do you guys feel it would be effective to just lock her in a closet?
*returning to regular topic of thread*
 
Though the responses have been great, I think it may have been more beneficial if I had specified I was asking about the involvement of offspring in BDSM as a lifestyle choice, not just a sexual practice, as I am told some have not answered thinking sexual practice was the focus topic more so than a choice to adopt BDSM as the way they choose to live their lives.

C
 
catalina_francisco said:
Though the responses have been great, I think it may have been more beneficial if I had specified I was asking about the involvement of offspring in BDSM as a lifestyle choice, not just a sexual practice, as I am told some have not answered thinking sexual practice was the focus topic more so than a choice to adopt BDSM as the way they choose to live their lives.

C

I think I understood your point and I think my answer follows that. I see in my daughter many of the same struggles I experienced, although it was later in life for me when I finally realized who I was and how I wanted my life to be. This is not a dating issue, I think it is an issue in picking a long term and I hope lifetime partner. I think that partner for her will be a Dom, just a guess based on her previous choices, and I would not be surprised at all if that relationship is in shades of bdsm.

Also, based on our relationship to this point in her life, I know that she will feel comfortable discussing with me anything she is unsure of or feels uncomfortable with. I will continue to support her in her choices, in a SSC way.
 
A Desert Rose said:
I think I understood your point and I think my answer follows that. I see in my daughter many of the same struggles I experienced, although it was later in life for me when I finally realized who I was and how I wanted my life to be. This is not a dating issue, I think it is an issue in picking a long term and I hope lifetime partner. I think that partner for her will be a Dom, just a guess based on her previous choices, and I would not be surprised at all if that relationship is in shades of bdsm.

Also, based on our relationship to this point in her life, I know that she will feel comfortable discussing with me anything she is unsure of or feels uncomfortable with. I will continue to support her in her choices, in a SSC way.

Yes you did seem to me to have the right thought in your response and I admire your relationship with your daughter. Parenting is a lot harder than some think sometimes, finding the right balance between rushinc to the rescue and letting them spread their own wings of discovery.

Had some avoid responding as they thought I meant the sexuality of BDSM alone which I never do unless that is the topic of focus. Thanks again for your input. I find many of our thoughts and views seem to connect....amybe because of our ages.

C
 
My children are young and there are times I live in blissful ignorance, enjoying their innocence and shelving all of the discussions, episodes and things we will have to share.

I am, now and intend to always be an open minded mom and one they can come to. I hope that they will discuss any interest in the BDSM lifestyle as they would discuss any issues that may alter or define their lifestyle, career choice, religion etc.

And I certainly hope that someday, when they are adults, they will be in the know about their mom. They don't need to know the intimate specifics, but something so important to me should be shared, someday.

As for them, if my daughter chose to D/s and married a Dominant, I would teach her, guide her and support her. However, I think there would be times when I wouldn't be her best advocate. IF she phoned and said, "HE wont' let me do.... and it isn't fair!" I know that my submissive role modeling would dictate a discussion about communication and "no" meaning "no." Then, there is the risk that the protective mother bear may feed into her ire and reply with "Your damn right that isn't fair!"


I do think it could be a challenge, at times, but would want to be a positive influence in all things, including how they engage in romantic and life relationships.
 
Hi Catalina,

I think since you specified 'lifestyle choice' I would have a couple concerns:

1) Is it necessary. (After all life is easier 'straight' with the odd 'spice'.)

2) Would it be conformist, not unlike the well to do middle class gay phenomenon. I prefer a 'child' (adult) would be an individual.
Would it be 'all consuming'. See the point below. Even a 'lifestyle' is not a 'life.' I don't see the point of 'professional bdsm', just like 'professional gay or lesbian.' I'd want the 'child' to 'have a life.' That in place, the 'lifestyle' can follow.

3) Lastly, as connected with your example, Catalina, if the choice was (esp.) by a daughter and involved 'subbing', I'd want to make sure it wasn't done by drifting in (or out of weakness), and because struggling to 'make something of oneself' was being avoided. If she's strong, and accomplished like you, then she can 'sub' all she want, from my pov.
 
I don't have children so I can only speculate. I'd like to think I would be all open minded an stuff, but I think I would have concerns that I would need to work out. I would need to be assured that the choice made was of their own volition, that they weren't talked into it. Hopefully that would be the easiest one to overcome. I would also hope s/he/they gave vanilla a chance and not just written it off as "boring". I think it's probably more common for a person to start off with strictly vanilla relationships and realizing that they are missing something, than to go immediately into a BDSM life choice. But who knows?

I think the hardest thing for me would be to have a daughter who is submissive. I mean, a parent to protect their child - no matter how old that child is! Personally, I would have difficulty seeing my daughter come home with bruises or other signs of beatings, whippings, etc. At one level, yes I would understand that she is willing, capable, and wanting this type of behavior. But I think at a more primal level it would bother me to see the physical marks of another person hitting my child. Yes, yes, I understand this is my hangup, but I'm just being honest.
 
In general, I would not try to interfere with my children's relationships, unless they were abusive.

No, this thread was not about interferring. But in a way, If I tried to direct either child towards one orientation or another, I would see it as interferring.

I feel it's important to allow a child's sexuality to develop naturally. Indeed, the vanilla view on sex seems to be the first exposure for most. I don't see it as a bad way to learn about sexuality. Granted, some children do feel drawn towards homosexuality in their teens, and that's perfectly alright with me. Trying to make them be something they are not would be be a poor choice on my part, as a parent.

I think BDSM is something beyond sexual orientation, though. If either of my children were to become involved, I'd much rather that it be an outgrowth of their chosen sexual orientation, their experience and desire.

Maybe I'm being an old goat here, but I have a problem with a child's 'first' sexual relationship being BDSM-oriented. I would tend to see that as someone taking advantage of their innocent nature, possibly exploiting them for their own needs. Although many of us fantasize about being tied up, or taking control as children, I see that as fantasy alone. All children with those fantasies do not grow up to enter the BDSM lifestyle.

It is my feeling, that as parents, we have the responsibility to guide our children toward making intelligent choices. If either of them wished to discuss alternative lifestyles, I would. I would answer their questions, not offer them a full education. I would hesitate because they may only have a curiosity, rather than a burning desire to become involved in any type of lifestyle. I believe every child, and every situation is different.

I think listening is very important. Listen to what they are asking you, and decide what they need to hear. They are always welcome to ask more questions, and I would answer those honestly, too if they wanted more information.

Would I be upset if one of them entered the lifestyle as adults? No - provided they had the knowledge to make wise decisions, and followed the safe, sane and consensual creed.
 
Thought this might be an interesting bump for some. Is interesting watching the path my own daughter is taking in this sense, both personally and professionally...is even nicer she feels comfortable talking to me about it, sometimes asking my thoughts and ideas, but most of al that she has safety at the front of her mind at all times.

Catalina :rose:
 
Cat.... Linked my mum to the thread and she says she'll email me later with a response... :kiss:
 
snowy ciara said:
Cat.... Linked my mum to the thread and she says she'll email me later with a response... :kiss:

Thanks, and nice to see you again....you are missed when you go away!! :)

Catalina :catroar:
 
As a person who wishes that she had realized more about her own needs and wishes in this area in the 16-18 year range and who instead, made some very bad choices, I would be pleased if my kids were interested in this or not, as teens or at any age. No, I would not feel that they had to experience vanilla to know what they needed.

I would be more than happy to discuss this with them. I would be open to them being any way they are sexually. I believe the better you explore and know yourself, then hopefully accept and love your self, the better off you will be in life.

My kids talk to be about all sorts of "controversial" things including sex, sexual acts and sexual identification already. The key is to keep calm, be honest and make sure you know what they are truly asking or saying, IMO.

I just want them to be happy with whatever they go for in life as often as they can be.

Fury :rose:
 
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catalina_francisco said:
Thanks, and nice to see you again....you are missed when you go away!! :)

Catalina :catroar:


Thank you... It'll be a bit before my access is regular again, cause I'm visitin'. big old hugs for you and your Scary One
 
I just want them to be happy. My daughter is 20 and is always saying that she needs to find a guy like her father - he always laughs and tells her that with her personality she needs to find a guy like her mother.

Skye
 
I can't imagine my son being remotely interested in this and if he were I am sure I would never know.
He keep his own council on many things.
 
ImSkye said:
I just want them to be happy. My daughter is 20 and is always saying that she needs to find a guy like her father - he always laughs and tells her that with her personality she needs to find a guy like her mother.

Skye

My daughter is 18 and a very dominant personality, she likes to be in control of everything. Though she does need to channel that dominance in a more positive way - she tends to be bossy rather than dictating what she wants in a controlled fashion!

shy slave said:
I can't imagine my son being remotely interested in this and if he were I am sure I would never know.
He keep his own council on many things.

My son is 23 and much the same as yours. Though there is a steely interior there! I imagine him as a switch ;) Though still waters run deep, and he does have a rather twisted sense of humour........:)

Neither of them knows the type of relationship Master Gil and I have, though we did give rather broad hints when the Junior Domme was visiting us recently. I hope I have raised them so that they feel comfortable enough to talk to me about stuff.....
 
As a new member, nice to see this bump!

I have 1 adult child, one who is 16 and a 6 year old. None of them know about what my husband and I do in our private lives, but as far as their sexual education goes, I have always been open and honest and hopefully, non-judgemental.

My son, who is 21, keeps very much to himself about everything. If he asked about where to find information on the lifestyle, I would direct him to a local sex-positive society which actually has informational classes for young men and women over 18. But for some reason, he doesn't strike me as "the type".

My 16 year old began dating this year, and came home with some pretty serious "hickies", although not relegated to her neck. They were everywhere. I spoke to her about 1) being a little more discreet, as she works at a front desk and it might put off some of the people who come into contact with her; 2) whether it was her choice to allow said marks (it was) and 3) that if there was ever anything she wanted to talk to me about, I was here for her.

I'm less concerned whether my kids experience vanilla or not as with the hope that they understand what it is they want out of life and in a partner before they settle down. I made some pretty stupid choices as a young woman, including mistaking an abusive man for a dom. So my message has always been to learn about yourself and the many options out there before deciding what works for you. They seem ot be taking that to heart.
 
As a parent and grandparent, I am interested in hearing the views of others in the lifestyle as to *how they would feel/react if their child/ren grew into adults who also participated in BDSM. *Would these feelings be reliant on the age the offspring began to dabble and experience, ie. teenagers/no; adults/okay?
*Would it be a concern if this was their only experience of an intimate relationship never having experienced vanilla? If so, why?
*Would you feel comfortable discussing their choices with them and perhaps sharing some of your experiences and wisdom?

Also I would like to encourage others to add anything they feel relevant or wish to discuss in relation to the topic as I am aware there are many dimensions to the issue.

How would I feel if my children eventually followed the BDSM lifestlye? Hmmm, well I would have a fairly indifferent attitude towards it, I think. The same would apply if they were to end up gay/lesbian/bisexual. For me, I don't feel it's any of my business once they are out of the home, but if asked about the lifestyle, I would encourage responsible behaviour and would certain give some advice on the health and safety aspects of it. As I've mentioned in a previous thread, I don't think my children would really be interested to hear me go on about what I do behind closed doors, but offer some pragmatic input.
 
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