References for former subs or Dom/mes

[snoozebutton]

I've read in a few sites about subs or Dom/mes asking for references. I have yet to be asked for a reference and I'm not sure I would feel comfortable giving one. How can I put my experiences with someone I love down like a job application?

Has anyone ever had to do this? What did you say? Were you honest? And how did it make you feel?

If you have given a reference, was it for someone from a loving relationship or was it for a play partner?

Is there a standard form? LOL (had to put a little humor in here).

 

[catalina_francisco]

Can't say I have been asked for references, but have had references offered in my favour, and I have also provided references for friends I have introduced to others with the purpose of their both seeking partners. None have been formal as in an application form, but follow more a discussion on qualities, mindset, goals, character, experience, perceptions, etc.

Catalina

 

[WriterDom]

I was told early on from a sub once that something like 3 references from subs and one from a Dom/me would be required. I didn't pursue it much further. So I never got into the details of how this would be done. Anyone could have multiple screen names and email addresses. And I would consider giving out any more info as an invasion of my friend's privacy.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I was told early on from a sub once that something like 3 references from subs and one from a Dom/me would be required. I didn't pursue it much further. So I never got into the details of how this would be done. Anyone could have multiple screen names and email addresses. And I would consider giving out any more info as an invasion of my friend's privacy.

In my situations, nothing was done underhand....both parties were aware of the discussion and what was said. I also knew the people I referred.

Catalina

 

[snoozebutton]

I was told early on from a sub once that something like 3 references from subs and one from a Dom/me would be required. I didn't pursue it much further. So I never got into the details of how this would be done. Anyone could have multiple screen names and email addresses. And I would consider giving out any more info as an invasion of my friend's privacy.

Thats kinda how I feel about it but I see where for safety a sub or Dom would ask for one.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Whew, fuck all of that shit!

Here are some reasonable requests that I will agree to....

1. Freedom to make a safe call
2. Proof of my identity (so she can tell people who she is with)
3. Proof of my address (so she can tell people where she is)

And of course I insist on sufficient "getting to know you" time.

And if trust has not been built by that point, how can outside references possibly help the situation?

 

[James G 5]

Hmmm
I am pretty well known acorss most of Fla (the state breaks up in to 3 main groups and a few smaller ones) and occasionaly have had subs approach me to ask me about a Dom they're speaking to I generally give them my honest opinion and any information others might care to share with me if I don't know the person well, but I always tell the person who asks to decide for him/herself (altho if I KNOW the person to be, IMHO, a scumbag I seriously encoruage the subbie to stay away)
If someone asked for a reference from ME I would understand it & could point her to those who would speak well of me, I wouldn't be offended by her asking
I've been talking to someone in a chatroom & had people spontaneously offer good words, but bad ones as well
So I don't see a problem with someone asking, but if you're NOT publically active you might not have much to offer (and I am talking about references both as a DOm and a public play Top)
Hopefully someone would understand such references might nto be available & would be willing to meet & make up his/her mind, assuming said meeting was handled safely (as Mr Blonde described)

 

[Mr Blonde]

Yes, I am in a very different situation than James.

I have had three girlfriends in last three years and only one of them still lives in the area. They finished graduate school and moved away. I am not publicly known so I would honestly have a hard time producing references. Regardless, I hope a submissive would be able to tell that I am legitimate and sincere.

Just out of curiosity, would anyone be leery of me from what I offered in my first post? What more can be expected from a man in my position?

 

[James G 5]

Yes, I am in a very different situation than James.

I have had three girlfriends in last three years and only one of them still lives in the area. They finished graduate school and moved away. I am not publicly known so I would honestly have a hard time producing references. Regardless, I hope a submissive would be able to tell that I am legitimate and sincere.

Just out of curiosity, would anyone be leery of me from what I offered in my first post? What more can be expected from a man in my position?

I think what you offered is perfectly reasonable
The sort of guy who'd have lousy references wouldn't offer your 3 points OR "get to know me" time

 

[snoozebutton]

Very interesting views I'd fall into the not known category.

 

[Sex & Diamonds]

i was once asked to give a reference if needed. i have yet to actually give one out.

i believe that time is the best reference. take the time to get to know each other. build the trust.


personally, i would find it odd if a Man offererd me references from ex's. i want to start a relationship with Him, not hire Him for services.

 

[Sex & Diamonds]

Whew, fuck all of that shit!

Here are some reasonable requests that I will agree to....

1. Freedom to make a safe call
2. Proof of my identity (so she can tell people who she is with)
3. Proof of my address (so she can tell people where she is)

And of course I insist on sufficient "getting to know you" time.

And if trust has not been built by that point, how can outside references possibly help the situation?

this sounds like good sense and very reasonable to me.

 

[snoozebutton]

i was once asked to give a reference if needed. i have yet to actually give one out.

i believe that time is the best reference. take the time to get to know each other. build the trust.


personally, i would find it odd if a Man offererd me references from ex's. i want to start a relationship with Him, not hire Him for services.

Not even a few. lol

 

[morninggirl5]

Whew, fuck all of that shit!

Here are some reasonable requests that I will agree to....

1. Freedom to make a safe call
2. Proof of my identity (so she can tell people who she is with)
3. Proof of my address (so she can tell people where she is)

And of course I insist on sufficient "getting to know you" time.

And if trust has not been built by that point, how can outside references possibly help the situation?

For me, these are much more useful than references. The "getting to know you time" can be false and perhaps faked, but the rest can't.

I would be more leery of someone who offered references than someone who was not known. Something about offering references just seems like a snow job to me.

 

[James G 5]

For me, these are much more useful than references. The "getting to know you time" can be false and perhaps faked, but the rest can't.

I would be more leery of someone who offered references than someone who was not known. Something about offering references just seems like a snow job to me.

As I said, references can be useful in SOME situations if the person in question is known & active in a public community and the people giving the references are known as well
Especially for play situations more so than relationships
people who know me can say I am a safe & fun player but they can't say to much about me as far as relationships

 

[Desdemona]

I can see giving and accepting references for a casual play partner. However, I could not give one after the end of a relationship. It would hurt too much to think of Him being with someone else. Selfish? Yes. But, it's honest.

 

[Sex & Diamonds]

Not even a few. lol

Well....that depends.

 

[catalina_francisco]

In my experience, it was never expected the reference would form the basis for the relationship, as in either party would operate automaton in the relationship, not taking the time to get to know the individual themselves. I would never open myself to something that skewed and immature. What they were, were references for people who were unable to meet initially due to distance, people who were seeking genuine partners with a similar objective and mindest to their own, and to eliminate a lot of wasted time as is usually endemic in searching for the right one.

Think of it in a vanilla sense when you have a friend who offers to introduce you to someone they think you might like and become romantically involved with. Do you blindly give them the go ahead to arrange a meeting? I know if it were me, I would at least want to know why this person might be someone I would like as in interests, character, etc. To me this is no different than 2 people meeting through a third party in the BDSM world, if not more so. Who wants to waste time getting to find out someone is totally on a different track to themselves, if there is a way to have at least some positive indication it could at the very least be interesting and a friendship? This is also relevant in the instance of time used in getting to know someone online/long distance. For me, to know in advance someone was at least genuine and had their feet firmly on the ground would have been great in saving me a lot of time sifting through the multitudes who were just out to play games.

Fortunately for me, the Dominants I have recommended, have not caused me heartache as I had found they were not for me. That is not to say they did not have the elements I sought, just that we were not meant to be together. Remaining friends meant I was just as interested in them finding who they sought to be happy, as I was in finding my one also.

Catalina

 

[snoozebutton]

Well....that depends.

Wonder if I can get a business card embosed on my paddle so I can leave a calling card.

 

[snoozebutton]

In my experience, it was never expected the reference would form the basis for the relationship, as in either party would operate automaton in the relationship, not taking the time to get to know the individual themselves. I would never open myself to something that skewed and immature. What they were, were references for people who were unable to meet initially due to distance, people who were seeking genuine partners with a similar objective and mindest to their own, and to eliminate a lot of wasted time as is usually endemic in searching for the right one.

Think of it in a vanilla sense when you have a friend who offers to introduce you to someone they think you might like and become romantically involved with. Do you blindly give them the go ahead to arrange a meeting? I know if it were me, I would at least want to know why this person might be someone I would like as in interests, character, etc. To me this is no different than 2 people meeting through a third party in the BDSM world, if not more so. Who wants to waste time getting to find out someone is totally on a different track to themselves, if there is a way to have at least some positive indication it could at the very least be interesting and a friendship? This is also relevant in the instance of time used in getting to know someone online/long distance. For me, to know in advance someone was at least genuine and had their feet firmly on the ground would have been great in saving me a lot of time sifting through the multitudes who were just out to play games.

Fortunately for me, the Dominants I have recommended, have not caused me heartache as I had found they were not for me. That is not to say they did not have the elements I sought, just that we were not meant to be together. Remaining friends meant I was just as interested in them finding who they sought to be happy, as I was in finding my one also.

Catalina

I see where it could help but while I could write one to read one would somehow take some of the magic away for me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I see where it could help but while I could write one to read one would somehow take some of the magic away for me.

Mine were all verbal...similar to when you are job seeking and they call former employees, just they were friends and far less formal.

C

 

[ethereal~minx]

I've read in a few sites about subs or Dom/mes asking for references. I have yet to be asked for a reference and I'm not sure I would feel comfortable giving one. How can I put my experiences with someone I love down like a job application?

Has anyone ever had to do this? What did you say? Were you honest? And how did it make you feel?

If you have given a reference, was it for someone from a loving relationship or was it for a play partner?

Is there a standard form? LOL (had to put a little humor in here).

as a submissive, I've asked general questions about getting references about Doms.. I've never been in a "play" situation and for that matter never a 'real time' relationship either

the reason I wanted to know more about it was due to the mistrust I was feeling in this particular individual...

it seems from the responses here, it does not actually happen at least as one would think 'reference' to mean

 

[kayte]

Re: Re: References for former subs or Dom/mes

as a submissive, I've asked general questions about getting references about Doms.. I've never been in a "play" situation and for that matter never a 'real time' relationship either

the reason I wanted to know more about it was due to the mistrust I was feeling in this particular individual...

it seems from the responses here, it does not actually happen at least as one would think 'reference' to mean

minx ~ Listen to your 'little voice'. It is right, whether it is saying yes or no. If you are uncomfortable in any way, run like hell.

Good luck.

 

[ethereal~minx]

Re: Re: Re: References for former subs or Dom/mes

minx ~ Listen to your 'little voice'. It is right, whether it is saying yes or no. If you are uncomfortable in any way, run like hell.

Good luck.

Thank you kayte! fortunately, there was never a need~~ that 'non-relationship' was over soooo looong ago...

I will heed that 'little voice' most definitely
it's my that gets in the way most of the time
but not to the point of putting me in danger

(((kayte))) have a beautiful joy-filled weekend!!!

 

[kayte]

Re: Re: Re: Re: References for former subs or Dom/mes

Thank you kayte! fortunately, there was never a need~~ that 'non-relationship' was over soooo looong ago...

I will heed that 'little voice' most definitely
it's my that gets in the way most of the time
but not to the point of putting me in danger

(((kayte))) have a beautiful joy-filled weekend!!!

You are welcome minx.

I am glad you won't let your drowned out the 'little voice' when it is saying no.

The little voice can say yes and it can work out. I know.

Thank you for your good wishes, hope yours is a marvelous one too.