Recommendations wanted for a good first-time anal sex scene

[8letters]

You don't have to verbalize feelings for them to be present.
And your dialog is already telling quite the story (about experiece, motivations for each partner, interest levels, etc.)

Weave. Think holistically. Focusing on nailing the "mechanics" is very much like staring down a tree when learning to ride a bike. You are 10x more likely to hit the tree.

Take in the whole horizon.

Also, consider your word repetition. Admittedly maybe it's a personal nitpick but "Lube" appears 6 times over 102 words. So near 5% of the time.

Setup the noun. Let the reader infer from prior knowledge or noun related actions. It better empowers the reader which keeps them nibbling on the hook.

Blah, blah, blah. If you can write that section better, go to it. Spouting a bunch of mumbo-jumbo is of no help at all.

 

[Euphony]

Blah, blah, blah. If you can write that section better, go to it. Spouting a bunch of mumbo-jumbo is of no help at all.

It was simple math. And multiple authors pointed it out to you. 5% of your words were ONE word, "lube." Readers may be consider that repetitive.(which can quickly become problematic) At the very least it's an interesting challenge to see if you can write "lube' without saying "lube" over and over.

You are on the Authors Hangout asking for advice from fellow authors on how to improve your writing. That's all that was from both author posters.

I imagine most would agree.

 

[drscar]

I imagine most would agree.

Yup. It seems rather ungrateful.

 

[TadOverdon]

First and most importantly, I liked this passage quite well.

Hesitant to rewrite you for illustrative purposes, but here's an example of how you might vary the noun usage a little bit without substantially altering the prose:

As I massaged Z, Katharine pulled out some things from the floor. “Lube,” she said as she held up a pump bottle of some kind of fluid. “You’re going to use lots and lots of it. Way better to use too much lube than not enough.” She held up something plastic, maybe four inches long. “Dildo.” It looked like an small, thin, erect cock rising up from a pair of balls. The head seemed extra big. The balls were truncated to provide a flat base. “This is what you’re going to start with.” Katharine said to Z, “Feeling relaxed?”

“Yes.”

“Good. If you feel any pain or discomfort, speak out. Try to keep your backside relaxed.”

“Okay.”

Katharine handed me the dildo and the pump bottle. “Coat the bad boy.”

I pressed down on the pump head and put a bead of the slippery gel along the length of the dildo. I then smeared more of it all over, thoroughly coating the dildo. The stuff was warm like the oil. I guessed the next step and started to bring the head of the dildo to Z’s anus.

Katharine said, “Put some lube on her anus first, and then some more on the head of the dildo.” Katharine stroked Z’s back while watching me closely. She said to Z, “Just relax. Just relax.”

Katherine calls it "lube," the narrator who's presumably a little less familiar with it (as with the dildo) in their first such encounter describes it in terms of its observed properties.

 

[Euphony]

After getting roasted needlessly, I felt it best to not personally do a rewrite.

I think you better understood the intent of the couple of posters who brought up repetition possibilities.

Word choices are just that, choices. Actual word repetition is a whole different matter.

Your's was stylistically different (which is choice) but more varied in word usage (less repetition)

 

[TadOverdon]

After getting roasted needlessly, I felt it best to not personally do a rewrite.

Yeah, it's a dicey thing isn't it? In any event, I only changed about six words.

I go through this a lot with my writing. So, my sex scenes are long on mechanics (that's not a pun) and I write long stories. With sex in every chapter just because that's what I'm doing. And I run out of different words and ways to describe the same acts over and over pretty quickly.

"Focus on the feelings" is one answer. "Lean into metaphor" is only the right answer very occasionally; there are few things more jarring than a clumsy simile. Using dialogue (and interior monologue) to let the characters show their personalities and a little humor, which I think the OP did well in this short segment, may be the best way to keep Sex Scene 10 distinct from Sex Scenes 2, 5 and 7.

 

[Euphony]

I only changed about six words.

True but the % of total words dropped to sub-1% which makes all the difference re: repetition.

 

[TadOverdon]

True but the % of total words dropped to sub-1% which makes all the difference re: repetition.

Agreed. Repetition is what I wanted to address. I didn't mean to stylistically alter the author's work in any substantial way.

 

[Euphony]

Yeah, it's a dicey thing isn't it?.

You're next.
I didn't want to further our very one sided argument (I essentially agreed w/him but not his clarification of what he was actually doing versus what he said he was doing) with a rewrite of his section and he published me (and his chiding response to the discussion where I'd likely never see it so wouldn't/couldn't respond) on his blog!


https://eightletterserotica.wordpress.com/2021/04/09/sex-scenes-detailed-or-not/

I strongly disagree with this. Yes, it’s important that the characters be well-established before the sex scene. But I write porn stories. My readers are reading them for the sex scene, to get off during the sex scene. To say that the final sex scene is unimportant compared to what leads up to it is to misunderstand what I’m writing.

I recognize someone so thirsty for confirmation bias is not worth discussing any nuance in fiction so I won't waste my time. Others can decide for themselves.

But f somebody else cares about being "blog published" I apparently have shown you the path, unbeknownst to me..

 

[TadOverdon]

I strongly disagree with this. Yes, it’s important that the characters be well-established before the sex scene. But I write porn stories. My readers are reading them for the sex scene, to get off during the sex scene. To say that the final sex scene is unimportant compared to what leads up to it is to misunderstand what I’m writing.

And I understand where they're coming from here, because I could have written those four sentences about my own stories. People write about different things for different reasons, and there are really good writers on this site who have broader ambitions for their fiction. Right now, I'm just trying to get good at (and make a few occasional bucks at) writing smut.

But it's kind of bad form to lift conversation out of its context here and respond to it elsewhere like that instead of here.

 

[Euphony]

And I understand where they're coming from here, because I could have written those four sentences about my own stories. People write about different things for different reasons, and there are really good writers on this site who have broader ambitions for their fiction. Right now, I'm trying to get good at just writing smut.

The truth in that statement is not in question. It's the assumption that that is what I was suggesting which is incorrect. (feel free to read my post)

Essentially (and apologies if I worded it poorly but some seemed to see it) I said use the flow of what has come before/who these people ARE to "personalize" their sex scene.

Otherwise it's incongruent, having two cardboard cutouts suddenly become introspective, feeling, experiencing "lightning rods."

Silliest of all, he/she usually doesn't write cardboard cutouts so suggesting, essentially, building off of what you already do well to achieve the peak sex scenes you say your readers know you for and demand is mostly supporting and fluffing on my part.

Mechanics v. emotions was a classification clarification ask (his prose is FULL of BOTH so it's hard to understand which aspect he wanted to emphasize as he was asking for help w/one but showing quality and quantities of both )

So much so, a few people became suspect if he/she wanted help with the question at all or just some cheerleading of whatever current thinking he had on the matter.

The retreat to invisible arguing/insult on the blog doesn't dissuade from that line of thinking.

 

[8letters]

First and most importantly, I liked this passage quite well.

Hesitant to rewrite you for illustrative purposes, but here's an example of how you might vary the noun usage a little bit without substantially altering the prose:

As I massaged Z, Katharine pulled out some things from the floor. “Lube,” she said as she held up a pump bottle of some kind of fluid. “You’re going to use lots and lots of it. Way better to use too much lube than not enough.” She held up something plastic, maybe four inches long. “Dildo.” It looked like an small, thin, erect cock rising up from a pair of balls. The head seemed extra big. The balls were truncated to provide a flat base. “This is what you’re going to start with.” Katharine said to Z, “Feeling relaxed?”

“Yes.”

“Good. If you feel any pain or discomfort, speak out. Try to keep your backside relaxed.”

“Okay.”

Katharine handed me the dildo and the pump bottle. “Coat the bad boy.”

I pressed down on the pump head and put a bead of the slippery gel along the length of the dildo. I then smeared more of it all over, thoroughly coating the dildo. The stuff was warm like the oil. I guessed the next step and started to bring the head of the dildo to Z’s anus.

Katharine said, “Put some lube on her anus first, and then some more on the head of the dildo.” Katharine stroked Z’s back while watching me closely. She said to Z, “Just relax. Just relax.”

Katherine calls it "lube," the narrator who's presumably a little less familiar with it (as with the dildo) in their first such encounter describes it in terms of its observed properties.

Thanks for doing this. After looking at this, I'd say:
* “Lube,” she said as she held up a pump bottle is sufficient. I don't need to specify what is in the bottle as it is obviously lube
* I'm taking out the "lube" from Way better to use too much lube than not enough as the sentence is clear without it
* As for using "the pump bottle" and "the slippery gel" instead of "the lube", I prefer the shorter and more concise "the lube". I'm not too worried about repetition in a 100-word block of a 41k-word story
* I don't like the vagueness of "the stuff". Again, I prefer "the lube"

I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying my preference. So two uses of "lube" taken out, now five instead of seven.

 

[TadOverdon]

Sounds fair.

 

[8letters]

I go through this a lot with my writing. So, my sex scenes are long on mechanics (that's not a pun) and I write long stories. With sex in every chapter just because that's what I'm doing. And I run out of different words and ways to describe the same acts over and over pretty quickly.

"Focus on the feelings" is one answer. "Lean into metaphor" is only the right answer very occasionally; there are few things more jarring than a clumsy simile. Using dialogue (and interior monologue) to let the characters show their personalities and a little humor, which I think the OP did well in this short segment, may be the best way to keep Sex Scene 10 distinct from Sex Scenes 2, 5 and 7.

What I do is try to avoid having vanilla sex in a bedroom. There's only so many ways to write that. So in my last story, the first sex scene was the sister pretending to be the brother's ex-girlfriend. The second sex scene was on the couch (which was really important to the story). In the one vanilla-sex-in-a-bedroom scene in "My Crocheting Little Sister", I had a shelf over the bed which the sister gripped during the fuck. It was a small difference, but it made it distinctive from my similar sex scenes.

Edit: Now days, one of the determinants of whether I'll write out a story idea is "Can I come up with sex scenes for the story that are interesting for me to write?"

 

[8letters]

All three stories were helpful. Also, this How To was very helpful. Thanks again for the help.