REALLY important questionnaire... PLEASE respond!

[Jade]

I just wanted to get an idea of the general moral here...

If someone was really really reall sexually deprived... like say a female friend of yours and she was considering getting a "fuck buddy." (aka: someone she goes and has mutual sex with but without the benefits of a relationship... until she does get into one,) would you advise her against it or support her?

Also, have you ever done this or would you ever consider it?



I won't lie... it has been 2 and a half months for me... and I don't know how much more I can take.
I have already gained about 7 pounds of chocolate weight and it is just getting ridiculous.

 

[Never]

First thing first. Hello Jade! A pleasure to see you around again.

Okay, onto the 'fuck buddy' thing. A FB is okay, some people do well with them but many don't.
Whom would she try to sleep with? Going up to strange men and asking them to be a FB is a great way to get yourself hurt. In addition, she needs to be sure she can have that type of relationship. Many women either feel used or develop feelings for the guy.

However, provided both people understand the 'rules' and they are comfortable with each other and that type of relationship, it can work.

PS. I am a virgin and, truthfully, have no idea - sounds good though, don't it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just wanted to say 'Hi.'

 

[cheekyminx]

go for it...as long as its someone you trust and feel comfortable with.

 

[Never]

What?
She was talking about herself and not her female friend?

Jade.. did you lie to me?

 

[Kadee]

I'm not sure I read that right....It's been two and a half months since you had sex? And you are considering having sex with someone that you will get absolutely NO relational benefits from? (Your friend...that is...) Hmmm....Let's see... I am 33 years old and have been playing online for over a year, with tons of opportunities to meet and greet with no strings (so to speak). I met a few here and there (as friends) I never once took the opportunity, but I played constantly in the fantasy realm. I am fairly cautious and very much a romantic. I think fantasy playing is fantastic and can be incredibly satisfying. Real life playing can be dangerous. I waited until I fell in love. I went five years without sex until I met my boyfriend that I love completely. It was worth the wait. I don't regret a second of that time. I just found other avenues to express my sexuality...in fact, that is why I started writing here. I actually write better when I am not having sex.

 

[rockhockey]

heres my thoughts on the fuck buddy. Don't do it. its not about fucking its about feeling. I have never had a one night stand but I have had sex with people I didn't have and emotional commitment to. Honestly, I think I would rather masterbate than do it again. and besides, your absence will just make the next occassion all the more invigorating. Tell your friend not to do it... sorry guys if you were looking to be her buddy.

 

[Herblady420]

The best 'no strings' sex is...

with a womans best friend... and that is a rubber dick. No disease and only you to please. Hey, and those little clit massagers really pack a punch. You don't need to have meaningless, dangerous sex to get release. Wait like Kadee said. till you meet someone you can trust. Good luck with your choices.

[Edited by Herblady420 on 02-05-2001 at 12:06 AM]

 

[Pyper]

FTF (Friends That Fuck)

I'm sort of a dysfunctional person and I can't stand to have a boyfriend due to perceived clinginess in every man I meet. So my current relationship with a guy is something I would describe as Friends That Fuck. I don't have a problem with it, and he doesn't seem to either. (In fact, being the most insanely non-jealous man in the world, he wants to go out and find me a boyfriend.)

So my advice is, a fuck buddy is just find as long as you are sure he isn't seeking a relationship and you know you aren't either. As stated in other posts, it's also a good idea to know this person first, don't go picking up people you don't know well. Have fun. In cultures outside Western society, this kind of activity is actually quite normal among young unmarried people.

 

[Boner James Boner]

Go for it

A fuck buddy would be better than no fucking at all...just make sure that you and your friend are comfortable with the situation and agree to terminate the f/b relationship when either of you say you've had enough--and still agree to maintain your friendship--

 

[CelestialBody]

 

[PreciousBlues]

A fuck buddy eventually becomes more than that. I would say no to you. You know, fucking is more or less an easy way out to making love. Yes, sometimes a fuck is needed to take away ones feeling of horniness. But in the end you're filled with the emptiness that can only be taken away by someone you have emotions for.

 

[Sammyjo]

The problem I have with my "fuck buddy" is that I haven't seen him since June. We are both single parents, and it is very difficult for either of us to find time, let alone a place to get together. We do send a lot of e-mail, and chat frequently. But, I'm thinking of moving on. Maybe he can deal with every six months, but I can't.

I guess it's just a personal decision. It works for some people, not for others. But the decision has to be mutual. It will not work if one person is in love, and the other is goofing around. Trust me...it's happened to me before...and I'm still feeling the pain almost a year later.

 

[Merelan]

Hmmm.. here goes any chance of someone thinking I am a sweet lovely inoccent.
For 5 years I had a friend/occasional lover. Hell we had wild and crazy times. Wonderful sex, damn fine fucking sex. I still remember him fondly. In fact ran into him last year. Was wierd, but we chatted, caught up with our lives and then went on. No, no sex.
We met at a dance contest and it went from there. Never any strings. In fact...
He brought me home from college one spring break. He wanted to go out, I didn't. I was exhausted from tests and the such. He went, I curled up in his bed and slept. About 4 am the phone rang, his roomate, who knew the situation, answered. It was my friend, weanting to bring home a girl he had picked up. I not only vacated his bed, I changed the sheets, threw all his laundry in the closet, you know how single guys are... and then straightened up the bathroom and living room. When they got there I was in the kitchen doing dishes, weearing his roomates jersey and nothing else. his roomate was there too. We said hi and they went off to the bedroom. It was hard sitting there listening to them.
But then my evil self got the better of me. His roomates bedroom and his shared a wall. So... his roomate, more then willingly, and I went in to his bed and proceeded to pretend to have wild, loud and crazy sex. Actually turned me on. Totally ruined it for him, he said he couldn't figure out if we were joking or really doing it. Not that he minded, he honestly wouldn't have, but the wonder wrecked his mood.
Hahahahaha..... I made it up to him later.
Anyways.. this long and rambling post was just to tell you I had a special friend for years. Worked great for me. But is not for everyone. We cared about each other alot, but not enough, or in the style needed, for a monogomous relationship. Good Luck. I really think only you and your friend can figure this one out.
Pass the chocolate.....

 

[Cheyenne]

Excellent thread. I wish I knew the right answer, but I don't. The best I can come up with is that everyone is different. What might be right for one woman is exactly wrong for another.
I hope a lot more people respond. I'm curious what the answers are, too.

 

[Juspar Emvan]

I had a fuck buddy for about 18mths. We shared a house and sort of drifted into it 'cause neither of us were getting any. She was 24, single mum and I was 18 and hard a hard time with women. The sex was great and the relationship was understood right from the outset.

It can and does work, but it is a relationship and requires trust and communication. Just because neither of you is looking for commitment, don't underestimate the importance of the trust and communication.

I suggest you go for it, but be careful. In fact I'd say e-mail me, but I doubt even I could reach you from here .

 

[Thumper]

A Caveat...

If you can find the right person then it can be a rewarding and fun relationship.

You have to get to know the person first and regard them as a friend...

I don't advocate just walking up to a good looking stranger (unless it's me of course) and propositioning him.

I have a friend that is an occasional lover..she also helps me with other problems that come up in my life as any friend would.

Here are the important aspects of our/my relationship.
We celebrate hedonism
I am totally not jealous/possesive...she has a sort of steady boyfriend.
She is very comfortable in her single lifestyle. That is she is not looking for marriage or a live in. There is nothing wrong with wanting those but the desire for that can leave you or the other unfulfilled if either party wants more. I f that happens it's over...I have no real advice for you just trust your instincts.


Merelan...you have left many a lucky man in your journey

 

[Countess DeWinter]

It can work Jade, but you have to know him and you have to know yourself.

You can't take chances with a stranger in this day and age. Period. No discussion.

Now, you have to know you. Can you do it? Can you have sex without love? If you can't, buy yourself a nice dildo and some good porn.

If you can do both of these, go for it. I have a friend I've known since high school whom I occasionally fuck. I don't want anything more from him and he doesn't want anything more from me. I trust him and he trusts me. He's also the person I can go to when I need something special, like nude pics of myself to surprise my husband with.

Good luck

 

[Merelan]

I did forget to mention. This friend and I were happening before aids, and we were careful.

 

[Coltrane]

I'd say, go for it

I'd tell her to go for it.

Would her "fuck buddy" experience(s) really be any different than masturbating? I'd contend not.

(Put away the chocolates and enjoy yourself... *s*)

 

[Expertise]

I guess Jade it really depends on you. Not on the experience of others.

Can YOU seperate "church and state"?

This would be one of those questions where you have to be BRUTALLY honest with your self. If your not, you are setting your self up to be nuked. Just don't wanna see you get hurt cutie.

 

[TN_Vixen]

Jade

get one honey. I have a FB who is also and ex-beau of mine. He and I have known one another for approx. 5 years and we've had a FB relationship for 3. We are very good friends and talk about everything but we also see one another occaisionally to ease the tension. We know how to please one another and we also know that we don't want any type of relationship other than "friends who fuck".

It is something that you have to be completely up-front about in the relationship. You have to come to terms with there being no hope for any type of future relationship with this person. It is better if you don't see him every week too... I go through periods of not really wanting that type of sex to "damn I hafta have it!" So, we may see one another 2 times in one month or go 3 months without seeing one another at all.

It is a personal choice like the others have said, but it certainly eases the tension. I should know.. I saw mine yesterday.

 

[Dillinger]

I just wanted to get an idea of the general moral here...

If someone was really really reall sexually deprived... like say a female friend of yours and she was considering getting a "fuck buddy." (aka: someone she goes and has mutual sex with but without the benefits of a relationship... until she does get into one,) would you advise her against it or support her?

Also, have you ever done this or would you ever consider it?



I won't lie... it has been 2 and a half months for me... and I don't know how much more I can take.
I have already gained about 7 pounds of chocolate weight and it is just getting ridiculous.

This is a tough question and I believe the answer lies within yourself. Everyone is different. What can YOU live with? What are your own personal mores?

Our society/culture tends to frown on this sort of thing - but not ALL society's and cultures have. What is morally right/wrong? Well, despite what many uptight anally indoctrinated types would tell you - there is no RIGHT/WRONG answer. Who is to say that what one society believes is better than another? And - who is to say that what one person believes is better than another?

I'm a pagan by nature. My answer to your question is to go for it. Or rather... if I was asking the question, my answer to myself would be to go for it. What is YOUR answer?

If I can put on a psychoanalyst's hat for a moment - I think that just by your asking the question you're looking for approval to do what you've already decided you want to do... *smile*

As for me... the answer is yes and yes.

 

[alexander tzara]

I think that, because of the way society is and the way we're brought up, it's easier for men to have sex, even great sex, without love or some kind of emotional tie. It can be an exciting and fulfilling thing to have a zipless fuck - sex without emotion - but there's always some element of hollowness there. Too much sex without emotional contact might leave you with a lot of fond memories and naughty tales to tell your friends but you could well be left feeling like there's something missing from your life. It's easier for men in so many ways. It's almost expected of us, at least in our batchelor years, to sleep with people purely for the sex. A man doesn't even need a regular fuck buddy. He can always pay for a succession of prostitutes. It's there in black and white from the outset - this is about sex and money, nothing else.

But, I think that even a man would find it hard getting into a long term "sex only!!!" relationship with one person. You can't help but develop feelings for someone you spend that much intimate time with. It sounds like it could be fun to start with but I'm sure that someone is going to get hurt somewhere along the line. It's more likely to be the woman. She'll be saying, "I want more. I think I might be falling in love with you". He'll be saying, "Honey, we both agreed what this was about when we started it - sex, nothing else. I was never looking for commitment."

Jade, if your friend is already in a loving relationship but the sexual side isn't working out then maybe that's where she needs to concentrate her energy - finding a way to make the sex work with her current partner (rather than getting caught up in fantasies) or maybe even realising that the lack of sex in her current relationship is an indication that things in general aren't working out between them and she needs to make a drastic change. Maybe looking for sex elsewhere is just a way of running away from the real problem.

I would have given this advice at 25, bacause it's what I thought was right at that age. I'm giving the same advice now at 32 because it's what I've experienced.

Alex (Roger Simian)

[Edited by alexander tzara on 02-05-2001 at 08:06 AM]

 

[Jade]

Wow... I wasn't anticipating this much response to this thread... but wow this is really helping!

Merelan... I can't thank you enough for sharing that story... it really put things into perspective for me. I imagined myself in that situation and honestly... if he were truly my friend... I would have sort of "needed" the roomate there ... I don't know if I could have been all alone while all that happened?

Expertise.. awe... you are the sweetest... I feel lucky that you cared. ((Expertise))

Well, at first it seemed to lean towards the "don't do it" side, and then the "go for it but be careful" side... and now it is more the slightly cop-out-ish (no offense) answer of "follow your heart" ... etc.

*sigh*

Am still undecided about the matter, but good to know I will still be loved regardless... until then... I am going to finish my chocolate pudding for breakfast.

 

[Expertise]

Breakfast of Champions

Jade AND chocolate pudding. WooHoo

BTW. My answer wasn't a cop out. I was in the go for it "camp", but only if you think you can handle it.... emotionaly not physicly ya' smut head.*grin*