Real Time/Lifestyle Vs *Online* Dominants

[TheDivineMsM]

so....
This is the question...
Can you really call yourself a Dom/me if you are just doing it online? (cause i dont think so)
I feel there is soo much more to being a Domme.....than you can ever experience *virtually*.
I mean seriously I understand people wanting to get thier feet wet and investigating online...But damn...to call yourself a Dom or Domme when all you have done is direct someone to beat themselves.......Give me a fucking break!

So what do the rest of you think?
Please convince me of your Domme-ness....if you have only done *online*

 

[minx1]

so....
This is the question...
Can you really call yourself a Dom/me if you are just doing it online? (cause i dont think so)
I feel there is soo much more to being a Domme.....than you can ever experience *virtually*.
I mean seriously I understand people wanting to get thier feet wet and investigating online...But damn...to call yourself a Dom or Domme when all you have done is direct someone to beat themselves.......Give me a fucking break!

So what do the rest of you think?
Please convince me of your Domme-ness....if you have only done *online*

Mmmm, this should be an interesting thread. lol

Well I'm a sub in a relationship with my Master which is primarily online(at the moment). I'm not about to convince you of my Masters 'Domliness' but will point out that there are many elements to how we work and funnily enough just directing me to beat myself has never been one of them.
Presumably because imo there is more to being a Dom/me than applying a beating whether thats in real life or virtually. Perhaps others will disagree...

But surely in the same way you have questioned the authenticity of a virtual Dom there is more to being a Dom/me than the fact that someone is just practising in real life.
IMO that doesn't make someone a 'proper' Dom/me .....I mean for example you could be just as inept at it in reality as virtually.

 

[TheDivineMsM]

Mmmm, this should be an interesting thread. lol

Well I'm a sub in a relationship with my Master which is primarily online(at the moment). I'm not about to convince you of my Masters 'Domness' but will point out that there are many elements to how we work and funnily enough just directing me to beat myself has never been one of them.
Presumably because imo there is more to being a Dom/me than applying a beating whether thats in real life or virtually. Perhaps others will disagree...

But surely in the same way you have questioned the authenticity of a virtual Dom there is more to being a Dom/me than the fact that someone is just practising in real life.
IMO that doesn't make someone a 'proper' Dom/me .....I mean for example you could be just as inept at it in reality as virtually.

Very true indeed, i guess i just question the validity when someone poses to be an *online* Dom or sub in any form.
For me being Domme has come with real time training...and online only person i feel dosent have the benefit of understanding the same things, not having actually done them.
I agree BDSM dosent always or soley involved beating....
and punishment is so individual to me with the subs that have served me...one could find punishement in a particular task while it wouldnt phase another.
For me the idea of being Dom/me online leaves too much in the air...because as well all know online personas are not always what they are in real time.
And well I guess i am more *hands on* anyway.
you mentioned that you have a Dom online primarily...have you two played in person yet? Do either of you have other than online experience?
I am only asking for personal information and learning...i will not attack.
I am really curious.
I am not above filling in online with a sub i have in real time mind you....I have in the past and with the way my sub search is going i will surley again..LOL

 

[WriterDom]

There are acquired skills but it's not rocket science. As far as I know, no graduate school offers degrees in BDSM. Personally I don't know why anyone would only be interested in online Domming. Unless they had a wife or husband at home.

There are people that believe you need to do a year long internship as a sub before you Dom. There are people who believe all kinds of things. Who gives a shit as long as everyone is upfront about who they are? Almost every month we get a thread by someone who wants to turn their hubby or boyfriend into a Dom. I have never heard anyone say forget it, it's hopeless unless he came with the CDDA (Certified Dom Domme Association) tattoo on his ass.

Instant Doms are only a problem to instant subs. And then it's only a problem if they meet. Otherwise, it doesn't bother me if someone wants to spend hours every day in some elaborate online Gor world. Or if Master T has his online sub fuck her cunt with a zucchini.

 

[TheDivineMsM]

There are acquired skills but it's not rocket science. As far as I know, no graduate school offers degrees in BDSM. Personally I don't know why anyone would only be interested in online Domming. Unless they had a wife or husband at home.

There are people that believe you need to do a year long internship as a sub before you Dom. There are people who believe all kinds of things. Who gives a shit as long as everyone is upfront about who they are? Almost every month we get a thread by someone who wants to turn their hubby or boyfriend into a Dom. I have never heard anyone say forget it, it's hopeless unless he came with the CDDA (Certified Dom Domme Association) tattoo on his ass.

Instant Doms are only a problem to instant subs. And then it's only a problem if they meet. Otherwise, it doesn't bother me if someone wants to spend hours every day in some elaborate online Gor world. Or if Master T has his online sub fuck her cunt with a zucchini.

agreed
and i did/still do train occasionally with a dom....only way to keep my skill sharp i feel.
i dunno i guess i feel the whole situation lowers the standards...
there is one here who i wont mention who claims to be Domme for years and is only just 18 or so..I find that hard to swallow, because they are *online only*

 

[WriterDom]

New subs show up all the time and receive nothing but support. I think new Dom/mes are shy to post for fear of being ridiculed just because they haven't earned it. And I'll agree that many of them are nothing but horse's asses and have little potential to be anything other than a horse's ass.

Like it or not, the online domination thing is here to stay. I don't really see a downside to it. Perhaps the 18 yr old will develop into a "real" Domme. Perhaps she'll get bored next week. Either way, it doesn't affect me.

 

[Netzach]

I think something WD said is kind of telling, which is that it's really a crappy positon to be in to be 18 and curious and your curiosity be about being a Domme.

People aren't very helpful or respectful as a rule. Not everyone has the backbone it takes to say "I'm new I have no idea what I'm doing" at that age so people invent all kinds of self-mythology, largely to keep assholes from trying to convince you you should be their sub and suck their dicks.

It's kind of silly, but that's something I see in play.

 

[HottieMama]

Interesting questions...i'm in a relationship that is online/phone for now, but will be R/L in just a few weeks. Like minx, i'm not going to sit here and try to convince anyone of my PYL's "domliness," but there is a way we work that while it may not involve the body at this moment, involves the mind and the heart...which is more important for now, IMO.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

so....
This is the question...
Can you really call yourself a Dom/me if you are just doing it online? (cause i dont think so)
I feel there is soo much more to being a Domme.....than you can ever experience *virtually*.
I mean seriously I understand people wanting to get thier feet wet and investigating online...But damn...to call yourself a Dom or Domme when all you have done is direct someone to beat themselves.......Give me a fucking break!

So what do the rest of you think?
Please convince me of your Domme-ness....if you have only done *online*

first off, i don't think anyone should have to 'convince you of their Domlyness' Master and i, until recently were only online. we do now have 'real life' experience. He was a Dom before i met Him, it's WHO He is, whether He had any 'real life' experience or not. it's inside of Him. and for us, it's not ONLY about 'beatings' or play, there is a WHOLE lot more to it than that. simply because someone has not had the 'real life' experience doesn't mean they aren't Dominant on the inside. i'm not that great at trying to express what i'm saying so maybe Master will show up on the thread and explain it better than me.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Interesting questions...i'm in a relationship that is online/phone for now, but will be R/L in just a few weeks. Like minx, i'm not going to sit here and try to convince anyone of my PYL's "domliness," but there is a way we work that while it may not involve the body, involves the mind and the heart...which is more important for now, IMO.

agreed. i get real sick of 'defending' me and Master's relationship because it's online, oh so that MUST mean it's not real, i mean there's no way it could be because there's no 'real life' experience. so we're just playing at it, it's not real the emotions are real, the love is real, the bond is real. EVERYTHING about us is REAL, so wouldn't that make it 'real life' ? *shrugs* sorry, just a touchy subject for me, because it seems it ALWAYS comes up and somehow our relationship/feelings for each other are less because it's not 'real life'....it irks me.....

 

[HottieMama]

rose..i agree...lol. i'm just beginning to experience the "oh..your realationship isn'r "real" judgements..and quite frankly they piss me off.

Then again...i don't think you can really learn to be a dom...and have it be comfortable. Let me explain...proper techniques for physical acts can and should be taught...but the mindset and psyche that accompanies a Dom/me has to be there...otherwise you're just a guy with a flogger.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

rose..i agree...lol. i'm just beginning to experience the "oh..your realationship isn'r "real" judgements..and quite frankly they piss me off.

Then again...i don't think you can really learn to be a dom...and have it be comfortable. Let me explain...proper techniques for physical acts can and should be taught...but the mindset and psyche that accompanies a Dom/me has to be there...otherwise you're just a guy with a flogger.

i agree completely that what i said earlier i think lol, being Dominant or submissive in my opinion, is INSIDE of you as well as the physical stuff.....

 

[68firebird]

my online Dom experience has been generally very positive, but it pales in comparison to RL experience, there are definitely a lot more things that can be done person to person

 

[the captians wench]

agreed. i get real sick of 'defending' me and Master's relationship because it's online, oh so that MUST mean it's not real, i mean there's no way it could be because there's no 'real life' experience. so we're just playing at it, it's not real the emotions are real, the love is real, the bond is real. EVERYTHING about us is REAL, so wouldn't that make it 'real life' ? *shrugs* sorry, just a touchy subject for me, because it seems it ALWAYS comes up and somehow our relationship/feelings for each other are less because it's not 'real life'....it irks me.....

I agree 100%.

I was just exploring my submissiveness, and well my sexuality and myself as a whole when I met Jounar. He has had "real life" submissives, I'm actually his first online adventure, and it wasn't an intentional situation.

I have completed tasks for him on cam. I've left bruses on myself that took a good couple weeks to heal. I've sat on tacks till I was sobing. I've also felt my floggers and paddles in the hands of others. I've been caned and whipped by "real" people. I've been pulled by the hair to my knees and had a cock shoved down my throught. But when it comes to those moments when I don't know what to do, when the world feels like an evil place, when I just want to hide away and cry, I don't turn to those "real" people, I turn to Jounar. He's the one I look to for strength. He's the one I look to for guidence. He's the one that always has the right answer.

Do we wish this was more than and online relationship? Fucking right we do! The problem is cupid seems to have a wicked since of humor and put an ocean in the way of our love. Neither one of us were looking for a relationship with some one 3000+ miles away. Hell I wasn't looking for a relationship period! I was enjoying dating around for the first time. But it happened, and we don't let the fact that most of our communication happens on line stop us from being who we are and growing as a couple and as Master and sub/slave.

Dominance/submission is something inside of a person, and it will show whether they are involved online or off. If a dom is just in it to get his cock sucked regularly, it'll show either way. If he's in it for something more, that too will be shown either way. Not that there is anything wrong with either style, as long as the sub knows that's what she's getting into. It only becomes a problem when one promises something they have no intention of giving. But that can happen just as easily in "real time" as in online.

 

[Nikki_4everLove]

I've never so much as been with a woman in real life...

I'd definitely prefer real life domination.

Online domination is good and all...but like all online play, it gets old once the people you do it with go out and actually have sex and do stuff with people... You're left with just your right hand.

 

[FurryFury]

so....
This is the question...
1.) Can you really call yourself a Dom/me if you are just doing it online? (cause i dont think so)
I feel there is soo much more to being a Domme.....than you can ever experience *virtually*.
I mean seriously I understand people wanting to get thier feet wet and investigating online...But damn...to call yourself a Dom or Domme when all you have done is direct someone to beat themselves.......Give me a fucking break!

2.) So what do the rest of you think?
3.) Please convince me of your Domme-ness....if you have only done *online*

1.) Of course you can. People do it all the time. Sometimes it's even true.

2.) I think people who ask these questions are often doing so because they want to feel superior to others. Sometimes they are genuinely curious as well.

3.) I'm not a Domme so this doesn't apply to me. If I were I'm quite sure I wouldn't feel a need to convince you of a damn thing though. Yanno what I mean? That need to convince just doesn't seem very Domme like to me.

*shrugs*

Fury

 

[Netzach]

I'm tired of people who have never met equating their relationships to mine.

Sorry, but there you go.

Sure it's D/s I suppose. But it's not the same. Your self-administered spanking no matter how into it you might get, and believe me, I have my slave self-administer a lot of strange things over long distances, isn't the same as when I'm doing it. Period.

More to life than spankings, D/s is in the mind, I'll grant - but doing it with someone you'll never have to face down and look in the eyes is not the same thing.

Now, whether this lends me the qualifications to call myself Dominant is totally beside the point. I don't think I need anyone to play with at all to know I'm sexually a Dominant.

 

[HottieMama]

I'm tired of people who have never met equating their relationships to mine.

Sorry, but there you go.

Sure it's D/s I suppose. But it's not the same. Your self-administered spanking no matter how into it you might get, and believe me, I have my slave self-administer a lot of strange things over long distances, isn't the same as when I'm doing it. Period.

More to life than spankings, D/s is in the mind, I'll grant - but doing it with someone you'll never have to face down and look in the eyes is not the same thing.

Now, whether this lends me the qualifications to call myself Dominant is totally beside the point. I don't think I need anyone to play with at all to know I'm sexually a Dominant.

But i think most of us here who are in LDR's at the moment DO eventually plan on meeting face to face...be it two weeks from now ( ) a month from now, or a year from now. So how is it not the same thing?

 

[FurryFury]

I'm tired of people who have never met equating their relationships to mine.

Sorry, but there you go.

I wasn't aware that anyone was specifically doing that. Yes, online is not the same as real life. It can be great for what it is, very intense emotionally and all but the exact same, no of course not.

But it's kind of like comparing hurts. What makes one deeper or more significant than another. To the two or more people involved it's all valid. Most people try to invalidate online for whatever reason. It's not a contest or shouldn't be IMO.

Fury

 

[Bandit58]

I agree 100%.

I was just exploring my submissiveness, and well my sexuality and myself as a whole when I met Jounar. He has had "real life" submissives, I'm actually his first online adventure, and it wasn't an intentional situation.

I have completed tasks for him on cam. I've left bruses on myself that took a good couple weeks to heal. I've sat on tacks till I was sobing. I've also felt my floggers and paddles in the hands of others. I've been caned and whipped by "real" people. I've been pulled by the hair to my knees and had a cock shoved down my throught. But when it comes to those moments when I don't know what to do, when the world feels like an evil place, when I just want to hide away and cry, I don't turn to those "real" people, I turn to Jounar. He's the one I look to for strength. He's the one I look to for guidence. He's the one that always has the right answer.

Do we wish this was more than and online relationship? Fucking right we do! The problem is cupid seems to have a wicked since of humor and put an ocean in the way of our love. Neither one of us were looking for a relationship with some one 3000+ miles away. Hell I wasn't looking for a relationship period! I was enjoying dating around for the first time. But it happened, and we don't let the fact that most of our communication happens on line stop us from being who we are and growing as a couple and as Master and sub/slave.

Dominance/submission is something inside of a person, and it will show whether they are involved online or off. If a dom is just in it to get his cock sucked regularly, it'll show either way. If he's in it for something more, that too will be shown either way. Not that there is anything wrong with either style, as long as the sub knows that's what she's getting into. It only becomes a problem when one promises something they have no intention of giving. But that can happen just as easily in "real time" as in online.

Having been in an online (vanilla) relationship with a married man (yeah I know ) I know first hand about promises made never kept. I also know how frustrating online can be - I have done cyber and phone sex and while it can be fun it can also be very lonely when he logs off or hangs up and you are left there alone

Master Gil and I met here on lit and our time online was spent mainly getting to know each other. Me being a total newb to the world of BDSM, He sent me links and encouraged me to ask questions. We did play a couple of time on the phone, but that was for me to get the "feel" of being dominated. He is one of those "hands on" Doms

We view online as a means to an end. I admit I have difficulty understanding people who just want to keep things at that level, although FurryFury put some of it in perspective for me on another thread (thanks Fury!). Links to her posts here and here

 

[FurryFury]

Oh Bandit, you are more than welcome.

I'm glad and honored you saw some value in those posts.

*blushes*

Oh and I found some shit to edit as well. So thanks for that. There is never an end to my typos.

Fury

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I'm tired of people who have never met equating their relationships to mine.

Sorry, but there you go.

Sure it's D/s I suppose. But it's not the same. Your self-administered spanking no matter how into it you might get, and believe me, I have my slave self-administer a lot of strange things over long distances, isn't the same as when I'm doing it. Period.

More to life than spankings, D/s is in the mind, I'll grant - but doing it with someone you'll never have to face down and look in the eyes is not the same thing.

Now, whether this lends me the qualifications to call myself Dominant is totally beside the point. I don't think I need anyone to play with at all to know I'm sexually a Dominant.

my relationship IS the same as any 'real life' relationship...period. as i said in an earlier post, our love is REAL, our bond is REAL, every single one of our emotions are REAL, we are REAL people, in a REAL relationship who happen to live 2000 miles apart at the moment, that does not mean we have never met face to face, it means we met ONLINE and have had hurdles to jump to get to where we can be together face to face. this is the kind of thing i'm sick of, the whole 'my relationship is better than yours because i do it in 'REAL LIFE'.

i'm with fury in that, it isn't (or shouldn't be) a contest on who's relationship is more real. obviously me hitting myself is NOT the same as Him doing, BUT that is not all our relationship is about anyway. i don't know....maybe i should just stop reading this thread because it pisses me off *shrugs*

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I don't need to convince anybody about a damn thing. If someone's mind is already made up because I came to this lifestyle on-line, and have nurtured my relationship with my submissive on-line and over the phone for the first three years of our relationship, and have been spending the last year jetting back and forth across the country to work on transitioning it from on-line to real time then so be it. I am not asking anyone's opinion of my domliness. My submissive knows, and that is all that matters.

As rose said, our bond is real in our hearts and minds. Hell we probably spend more time talking than many couples who actually live together. Even tho she is 2253 miles away from me, she submits to me. I tell her to do something, it gets done. I tell her not to do something, it does not get done. Period.

The validity of any relationship is in the hearts and minds of those who are a part of it. If two people are committed to one another, and have made a promise based on power exchange and they BOTH take it seriously, how can it not be valid, as th op seems to assert? Just because there is most of North America seperatring Myself from rose, does that make our promises any less valid? Just because Wenchie and Jounar are on separate continents does that make their promises any less valid? Or Mix and her Sir who are in different hemispheres? It is not mine to judge theirs, and if they take it seriously it is no less valid than people living under the same roof.

Domination has nothing to do with wielding a flogger or cinching a knot. Dominating is about controlling the heart of another. It is about a commitment and guidance of another. I owned rose long before I took a flogger to her tits for the first time. We had developed that bond of love and trust that matured into ownership, long before I tied her up for the first time.

When it comes to the SM play, there is a great world of difference between real time and on the phone. Yeah, I can tell her to hit herself, or put a clothespin in a sensitive area, but it is not the same. I have bound her in her mind in phone scenes many times, but it was nothing compared to the fun of tying her up in person and wielding that flogger.

OK, to recap: Long Distance D/s: Difficult, but can be done if the two parties take it seriously
Long distance S&M: A hollow shell of RT S&M.

 

[WriterDom]

But in real life don't you just call yourself what you are? I went to a meeting once and they were handing out colored name tags based on what you asked for. No one asked for my Dom Papers or my resume.

I've gotten to be a fairly good bowler on Pogo. But if I tried to talk bowling with a real bowler based on my experience, he'd probably laugh out loud. It's kind of the same thing with bdsm. Except here, we're all in the online world. Nothing really good can come from this conversation.

But I'm not going to argue. I quit that when people here tried to convince me that eating human shit was a good thing.

 

[minx1]

But in real life don't you just call yourself what you are? I went to a meeting once and they were handing out colored name tags based on what you asked for. No one asked for my Dom Papers or my resume.

I've gotten to be a fairly good bowler on Pogo. But if I tried to talk bowling with a real bowler based on my experience, he'd probably laugh out loud. It's kind of the same thing with bdsm. Except here, we're all in the online world. Nothing really good can come from this conversation.

But I'm not going to argue. I quit that when people here tried to convince me that eating human shit was a good thing.

Yeah because to them eating it obviously is a good thing lol....each to their own eh


Apologies if I misread your post, I just have problems understanding that analogy. I refer back to what I said earlier, just because someone 'practices' BDSM in real life doesn't necessarily make them any good at it anyway...you could bowl in real life and never be a bowler. lol if you see what I mean...? Clear as mud eh