Ready to dip my toe into the water, but where is the lake? (or even the kiddypool)

[kitty4ever]

<chuckles> Yes, it is me for those that remember my infrequent postings.

It's been a long time coming, yes I've gone on an infrequent date/outing her and there, but stopped after a few hohum ones. I decided to focus on my career, my personal growth and independence, i.e. settling the divorce, selling the house, buying a new one and getting out of my parents' house.

Well, in October, I got the dream promotion/job that I wanted. I got my money out of the house in April, and I sign the paperwork this Friday (7/21) on the townhouse that I'm buying.

I'm excited and content, but now that all the 'material' things are settled, I find myself craving, thinking of and wondering about the other part of my personality that I made dormant. I came to the realization long ago that I didn't need a Dom in my life, but a part of me feels unfulfilled without it. Of course, living with one's parents, who are rather closeminded about this, helped put a damper on my dating. <chuckles>

But, now that I'm at a spot where I want to start the looking process, I've realized that I'm at loss how to do it anymore. I know clubs, etc. exist here, but I'm shying away from that. There are online ads, but I'm not sure what all of them are. Also, I'm afraid any of those would just expect sex and play, and I honestly need to meet, talk to and with anyone that I'd choose to be my first play partner in years with. Call it shyness or caution. I prefer caution.

Since I don't want to do clubs, and I just don't see myself just approaching some stranger (or even someone at work) and saying "Will you be my Dom?", what do I do? I feel absolutely lost when it comes to the dating world, especially the BDSM one. <sighs>

 

[Pure]

the online dating world is pretty active, despite the fears of the over 40s.

i do see a slight problem, though, in just putting 'would be sub' or 'wants dom' into a personal.

i'd almost say meet people, possibly through personals or online, see how you get along and what their social and relating skills are, then talk kink after a while.

this, rather than tapping into the world of wouldbe doms and trying to find the human beings who can relate.

yes, in theory one could just advertise for what one wants, but in your case do you even know? which of the 47 varieties do you want, even assuming you can find 'real ones' to sort through?

hey, you're free; the world is your oyster. just start meeting people and the sex and kink will get sorted out.!!!

good luck!!

 

[kitty4ever]

Well, I'm just 31, but it's been 10 years since I really went out and dated. I met my ex at 19, and we got serious when I was 21. Back then, I remember giggling with friends at the Personal Ads. <chuckles> I was stupid in my youth.

As it stands, I don't really have any friends here in town to go out with. During the breakup and all that followed, I shut or was shut out, and I never found new ones. Stupid? Childish? Fearful? All the above, actually.

Thanks for the luck. I have a feeling that I'm going to need it.

 

[Pure]

besides actual ads,

the online world is very rich. there are chatrooms. there are forums like this. also one's own website, 'my space', journal archives, etc.

there are forums of authors, including porn authors, and you have emails, PM, and IMs. just jump in.

i still say it's like the 'old world'. you often get the best results simply by interacting, without actually putting up an 'ad' and without saying, right off, "I'm looking." people get a sense of availability quite early.

so, i recommend, indirection.... get chatting about the soccer world, butt plugs, the latest poem to paddling, or the 100 mpg car (over in author's hangout). then potential partners will turn up, without all (or so many of) the undesirable and desperate and 'poser' cases. be active and responsive.

best,

J.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Welcome back, have wondered often how you were doing. My advice would be online as in personal ads, avoiding chat rooms. I only say that because from what I hear from others it is chat rooms where you find a lot of the wannabes but never going to be, abusers, and players more than the real deal. The best thing to remember with personal ads is you get to know them through talking online, or meet if you want, be honest about limits and needs, and you do not accept their pressure to make it sexual online or RL unless you feel comfortable with that. Trust and communication are the foundations of a good D/s relationship, not sex, and just because you are sub does not mean you have to submit to everyone's idea of what should happen and when. Have fun and play safe above all.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

You really should try finding a local group and meeting others in your area. My local group is very low key. There is no pressure to do anything you don't want to and loads of opportunity to try things, learn about BDSM activities and meet people.

Fury

 

[snowy ciara]

Welcome back Kitty. It's like everybody's coming home for a reunion or something! I wonder who's gonna wander in next?

 

[kitty4ever]

Thank you, Catalina.

Fury, I've found a couple of listed munches that I'm pondering. One, though, I noticed their website hasn't been updated since 2004. So, I'm guessing that they're no longer in service. I know. I'm a chicken when it comes to outings when I don't know a single person.

Snowy, I came here because I've always felt welcomed, faults and all.

 

[*curious*]

You are a braver girl, than I... every time I think of even trying to "date" again I look at the cat, who laughs at me, and climb back into my ivory tower.

Online dating thingies might be a good way to weed through the weeds. Munches are good, in theory, but I'm like you- I'm terribly uncomfortable going to social things all alone... Putting energy into a hobby or volunteer work might help you meet someone- though kink factor might not be garuanteed...

I'm sure there is someone wonderful out there for each person looking... good luck in your search.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Thank you, Catalina.

Fury, I've found a couple of listed munches that I'm pondering. One, though, I noticed their website hasn't been updated since 2004. So, I'm guessing that they're no longer in service. I know. I'm a chicken when it comes to outings when I don't know a single person.

Snowy, I came here because I've always felt welcomed, faults and all.

Well you weren't alone in wariness of local group. I waited a long time and finally made a munch. Funny thing was I already knew a few people so just hung out with them. So found wasn't my thing. Not telling you this to discourage but to let you know if you don't like you wouldn't be alone. I'd start with some friends then once have a nice support system you always have them to fall back. And remember when looking find a nice, sweet, innocent southern boy like me. We can be found wherever grits, fried chicken, gravy or sweet tea is served lol.

 

[saw_man1]

Don’t most people in your shoes go through the same inner struggle? Don’t most of them eventually figure out a way to move on? You will too. Do something though. Find the most palatable course of action and take it. You’re smart and you’re young; you’ll figure out a way to get where you need to be.

It could be worse you know. You could be as old and homely as me! I walked into my first much and they adjourned on the spot. The worst part was that I was early.

 

[FurryFury]

Don’t most people in your shoes go through the same inner struggle? Don’t most of them eventually figure out a way to move on? You will too. You’re smart and you’re young; you’ll figure out a way to get where you need to be.

It could be worse you know. You could be as old and homely as me! I walked into my first much and they adjourned on the spot. The worst part was that I was early.

You must be kidding about the people adjourning, right?

Hey no one likes to go to things alone. OTOH, you only have to worry about your own feelings when you do go alone.

Fury

 

[shy slave]

My local munch has an online yahoo group.

Joining that, reading posts and getting an idea of what people were like before actually going to a munch seems an intermediate step.
They also have mini munches or 1:1 meetings so you don't go in knowing no-one at all.

That said I don't really enjoy the social group, they do play despite what they say in the 'blurb' and they have their fair shares of wannabes an morons.

But joining the yahoo group helps you figure that out first.

Pure is right it may be better to take a side ways view without actually advertising.

I was on Alt (not as shy slave) and on some vanilla sites, the vanilla sites helped me get back to talking and chatting to people without pressure.

It is good to see you back, please let us know how the whole thing starts to happen

 

[kitty4ever]

Snoozebutton, sorry but we threw the grits out after Grandma passed away. She's the only one who liked them.

Saw_man, thank you. I know many have faced this, but you never really know what it is like until you're faced with the realities yourself.

I did find this website while doing my research, and I think I'll share it for any others it may help.

http://www.angelfire.com/tx2/Ishtardoris/acidtest.html

Shy_slave

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Snoozebutton, sorry but we threw the grits out after Grandma passed away. She's the only one who liked them.

Saw_man, thank you. I know many have faced this, but you never really know what it is like until you're faced with the realities yourself.

I did find this website while doing my research, and I think I'll share it for any others it may help.

http://www.angelfire.com/tx2/Ishtardoris/acidtest.html

Shy_slave

Oh say it ain't so! Not the poor defenseless grits.

 

[kitty4ever]

Afraid so. Will you ever forgive me?

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Afraid so. Will you ever forgive me?

Of course I will, I'm a southern gentleman.

 

[Muddyman]

I did find this website while doing my research, and I think I'll share it for any others it may help.

http://www.angelfire.com/tx2/Ishtardoris/acidtest.html

Shy_slave

Good resource, Kitty. The problem is not only for the female sub trying to find a good match for their preferences, but also for the male Dom. The "Acid Test" resource you listed suggests that there are far more submissive females than domiante males, but let a dominate male move to quickly or say the wrong thing to the wrong person, and they are labeled not only as "kinky" (not such a bad label come to think of it) but a potential "abuser". In my case nothing could be further from the truth. A submissive women is something for me to cherish and to pour attention upon until they are spoiled by it.

 

[kitty4ever]

You're too kind, Snooze.

I do see your point, Muddyman. It's a difficult process on both sides. I've patience. <chuckles> It's been just about 2 years (I think) since I made the decision to put this part of my life on hold until I was ready again. If I've waited this long, it won't kill me (just frustrate me ) to keep waiting until I find someone I can trust. Just now, I'm actually at a point I can even look.

Of course, I know many of the ones he warns against (snerts and horny net guys (HNGs)) will quickly lose interest in me because I don't cyber.

 

[saw_man1]

You must be kidding about the people adjourning, right?

Hey no one likes to go to things alone. OTOH, you only have to worry about your own feelings when you do go alone.

Fury

Yes of course I was joking; I'm not that old.

I was actually greeted quite warmly. It was a pleasant surprise. In fact, I got the distinct impression that I could have had accompaniment home, should I have so desired.

 

[saw_man1]

Saw_man, thank you. I know many have faced this, but you never really know what it is like until you're faced with the realities yourself.

Kitty, I must apologize for my obviously futile attempt at self deprecating humor. My first munch was wonderful. It was better than I expected it to be.

If you are just starting to think that maybe you might want to possibly begin the dip your toe in the water then your journey has started here and this is a good place to start.

My advice is to go as slow as you need to go but by all means do something.

 

[kitty4ever]

You are a braver girl, than I... every time I think of even trying to "date" again I look at the cat, who laughs at me, and climb back into my ivory tower.

Online dating thingies might be a good way to weed through the weeds. Munches are good, in theory, but I'm like you- I'm terribly uncomfortable going to social things all alone... Putting energy into a hobby or volunteer work might help you meet someone- though kink factor might not be garuanteed...

I'm sure there is someone wonderful out there for each person looking... good luck in your search.

I'm sorry, curious. I forgot to respond. Yes, well it's taken time to get 'brave' and I refuse to let my cat's laughter discourage me.

The last hobby I did (besides online gaming, which I still do, but that's all online and when I'm PvPing, I'm not wondering about how well so-and-so may be in the spanking department ) was scrapbooking. As lovely as the ladies that I met there were, I didn't see any scrapbooks featuring bondage play. Of course, they may have just been keeping those scrapbooks for working on at home.

Saw_man - Thank you for your response. I'm sure that people I may end up meeting at a munch are lovely, but well....I'm shy in person, except at work. Not allowed to be shy at work. <chuckles>

Oh, as to doing something, I bit the bullet and signed up on bondage.com and cupid.com. Oh, heaven help me! <hides>

 

[saw_man1]

An idea is a dangerous thing!

Have you thought of going with a friend or two?

We could even organize a Lit field trip. Three or four of us could fly up there and go to the first munch with you. You probably don’t want me to go though. I tend to misbehave from time to time but we could recruit some of our better behaved members. Who knows, we might impress them.
What do you think?

 

[*curious*]

I'm sorry, curious. I forgot to respond. Yes, well it's taken time to get 'brave' and I refuse to let my cat's laughter discourage me.

The last hobby I did (besides online gaming, which I still do, but that's all online and when I'm PvPing, I'm not wondering about how well so-and-so may be in the spanking department ) was scrapbooking. As lovely as the ladies that I met there were, I didn't see any scrapbooks featuring bondage play. Of course, they may have just been keeping those scrapbooks for working on at home.

Yes, see my hobby (when I've time for it) is knitting... and I'd adore being part of a Stitch N Bitch group in the area, to make friends and get used to being social again (baby step towards the whole man thing, you know), but the only one around changed their name to "Chicks w/ Sticks" so as to not offend anyone. The idea of spending an evening knitting with women who are so easily bothered ... irritates me enough to not find time to attend.

Dating... ech. I made the mistake of looking at Yahoo Personals last night; no wonder the cat find this so terribly amusing.

Signed-

She who is obviously not yet ready to be "out there" LOL

 

[Snoozebutton2]

You're too kind, Snooze.

I do see your point, Muddyman. It's a difficult process on both sides. I've patience. <chuckles> It's been just about 2 years (I think) since I made the decision to put this part of my life on hold until I was ready again. If I've waited this long, it won't kill me (just frustrate me ) to keep waiting until I find someone I can trust. Just now, I'm actually at a point I can even look.

Of course, I know many of the ones he warns against (snerts and horny net guys (HNGs)) will quickly lose interest in me because I don't cyber.

Well we southern fellas have to be sweet. It's all the sugar we consume lol.