re-evaluating my relationship

[Marquis]

The alternative was to let him walk out of my life forever, and I realized that I just can't do that.

In my book this is a fairly serious problem.

If you can't walk away from him, than you're not really making a truly free choice to be with him.

From everything I've read of your situation, it sounds more like a self-esteem issue than anything else.

 

[BiBunny]

In my book this is a fairly serious problem.

If you can't walk away from him, than you're not really making a truly free choice to be with him.

From everything I've read of your situation, it sounds more like a self-esteem issue than anything else.

*Shrug* My situation is shitty. Neither alternative is what I want, so I choose the lesser of two evils. I'm learning to live with my choice and trying not to make the relationship the center of my universe anymore.

 

[satindesire]

Please, PLEASE don't take offense at what I'm about to say. I really only want to help you and this is coming from a very loving place in my heart.

BUT JUST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING BABE!?

I spent three and a half years of my life, from 18 to 21, with a physically and emotionally abusive, neglectful ex marine who weighed 115 pounds more than me and could toss me around like a rag doll. He would yell at me in the morning if the house wasn't clean. He would call me names if I caught a cold. He'd accuse me of being weak and useless if I couldn't keep up with him at the gym.

I justified it to my friends, I made excuses, because I didn't want to be without him. He was an asshole but I loved him anyway.

So in my mind, I was choosing the lesser of two evils, too.

No matter WHAT anyone said to me I always had an excuse to back up why I was with him. And no matter how logical or RIGHT someone was about why I shouldn't be with him, I knew I couldn't leave until -I- was ready.

Well, instead of waiting for me, he decided when we were gonna break up the day he almost killed me.

I was in the hospital for a week. He visited me three times, and for less than twenty minutes each.

After I got out, I knew there wasn't a single reason on earth worth dying for him. Or because of him.

There is something better. Whether it's a physical death or an emotional, these kinds of relationships are deadly. DO NOT do this to yourself. Love isn't painful, or frustrating, or dangerous. Love is beautiful, something you can depend on to comfort you when you need it. Love is a warm bubble bath and the other side of the pillow-you know. Cool and soft.

Love shouldn't hurt.

You shouldn't hurt.

You do NOT -need- him. You -want- him. And this is what that choice is doing to you.

 

[BiBunny]

Please, PLEASE don't take offense at what I'm about to say. I really only want to help you and this is coming from a very loving place in my heart.

BUT JUST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING BABE!?

I spent three and a half years of my life, from 18 to 21, with a physically and emotionally abusive, neglectful ex marine who weighed 115 pounds more than me and could toss me around like a rag doll. He would yell at me in the morning if the house wasn't clean. He would call me names if I caught a cold. He'd accuse me of being weak and useless if I couldn't keep up with him at the gym.

I justified it to my friends, I made excuses, because I didn't want to be without him. He was an asshole but I loved him anyway.

So in my mind, I was choosing the lesser of two evils, too.

No matter WHAT anyone said to me I always had an excuse to back up why I was with him. And no matter how logical or RIGHT someone was about why I shouldn't be with him, I knew I couldn't leave until -I- was ready.

Well, instead of waiting for me, he decided when we were gonna break up the day he almost killed me.

I was in the hospital for a week. He visited me three times, and for less than twenty minutes each.

After I got out, I knew there wasn't a single reason on earth worth dying for him. Or because of him.

There is something better. Whether it's a physical death or an emotional, these kinds of relationships are deadly. DO NOT do this to yourself. Love isn't painful, or frustrating, or dangerous. Love is beautiful, something you can depend on to comfort you when you need it. Love is a warm bubble bath and the other side of the pillow-you know. Cool and soft.

Love shouldn't hurt.

You shouldn't hurt.

You do NOT -need- him. You -want- him. And this is what that choice is doing to you.

Not to hijack mis' thread , but I appreciate your concern, satindesire. My relationship with B. is not an abusive one. It's just...difficult. I may be wrong to choose to stay, but I'll stay until it becomes harder to stay than to go, and that time hasn't come yet.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

thread hijack in progress

Satin??

When has bunny ever said anything about being abused by B? She has been pretty forthright with the details of her relationships w/ us.. she is a polyamarous (I think I spelled that right) female who is in a bi-sexual relationship with another woman and has B as her Dom. B actually has a g/f and she is aware of bunny's presence in B's life and doesn't like it.

I am sincerely sorry you were in an abusive relationship and am glad you were able to pull yourself out of it in one piece but I think you are projectin' your situation onto bunny.

She knows that B is w/ another woman.. yet the two of them can't seem to get enough of each other. The conclusion that bunny has come to is that she has to A) take what she can get when she can get it and learn that life will continue in between those moments or B) Do without B and be what I call "rumble bunny" all the time.

 

[FurryFury]

I do think many of us take too much from our loved ones though. I know in the past I certainly have to my detriment.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

We all have.. hoping that it will be worth the sacrifice in the end.

 

[FurryFury]

We all have.. hoping that it will be worth the sacrifice in the end.

Oh I'm sure. However it often, too often isn't worth it and then we've sort of wasted that decade or whatever. Hopefully, we've learned something from it though.

 

[myinnerslut]

.....

 

[satindesire]

I'm not saying he ever was abusive, I was merely using my own personal experience as an example. If you go back and re-read the thread post, I actually never even implied that he ever struck her in any way.

I'm just saying that difficult relationships that damage one's psyche are not necessary.

 

[BiBunny]

thats quite all right bunny, hijack away, and on the theme of hijacking, wheres kitty? havnt seen her around lately...


back to my thread: i am going to spend the night with A, something we dont often get to do. i am looking foward to it very much, but cant really talk now since i have to shower and get into clean clothes. my mind is made up though. i love him and want to be his gf, his sub, his puppy, his whore, his to use and to love and to protect. we are staying tgether

Good for you, girl! I'm happy for you. If you think it's worth it, then it's worth it, no matter what anyone thinks. (I have to keep reminding myself of this over and over sometimes.)

Kitty's around. She just doesn't get on Lit much. She says it's too much to read all at one time when she's tired from work!

Satindesire, I totally understand what you're trying to say. Thing is, though, it's not just hard for me. It's hard for B., too. I think it was the Mouse who said about her new guy the other day something like, "I'm not sure what's going on. For us to do this, we've either gotta be soulmates or totally insane."

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Life_Noir]

"I'm not sure what's going on. For us to do this, we've either gotta be soulmates or totally insane."

This presumes that there is a difference????

 

[BiBunny]

Sweetie- huge difference...

I told J in our first email that if he felt I was good enough to want, even to think about wanting, he'd better damned well be ready to prove it with his entire being. That means I don't come second to anything. I am worth too much to come in second place. It means he's in Canada right now, getting his boys off to camp, visiting family and friends for the first time in a year, dealing with wire transfers for business, dealing with calls back and forth to the DR, dealing with renovations to the property in the DR... and when he said he'd call at 1pm yesterday and wasn't able to? I brought it up, apologizing for being dissapointed, and he lectured me for thinking I shouldn't expect 100% from him, just because we've not been face to face yet. As in if I ever think that again, there will be discipline involved. It means he's juggling all this extra stuff, and still calls first thing in the morning, and last thing before bed. It means every one of his friends knows about me, as do his parents, ex-wife, sons, Rabbi, etc etc etc. It means we are establishing healthy ground rules for moving forward, so that neither of us feels like this is the lesser of two evils, or shitty, or a situation either of us doesn't want. The man's still reminding me there could be someone better out there for me, and to not cut myself short.

Everything you have related about your relationship with B, suggests you are second girl/the chick he strings along "just in case" things don't work out elsewhere/girl he turns to for his kinky fix, but isn't willing to have a stand up relationship with.

My situation- pretty damned good example of an unusual but (so far) pretty healthy relationship foundation.

Your situation- pretty damned good example of a user manipulating you emotionally.

My situation- potential soulmates sort of thing.

Your situation- insane.

... all said with the utmost concern and love for you, honey.

Ms. Mouse, you're probably right. Please don't think I was twisting your words to fit my situation. I just liked what you said.

(And I never said I wasn't insane!)

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[BiBunny]

Okay... and I'm sorry to go all jumpy on you, but damn baby. I hate seeing fabulous, desireable, stronger than they realize women tread the path I wandered for too damn long, that's all.

Quite all right. Everything you've said is something I've thought at one time or another.

 

[Marquis]

Cognitive dissonance is a motherfucker.

 

[BiBunny]

Cognitive dissonance is a motherfucker.

Tell me about it.

 

[FurryFury]

*Goes to google*

 

[FurryFury]

Yep! I agree! I also learned something new. Now that's hot!

Oh and I'd never deny I was insane. In fact, my MIL told me I was on the 4th. To which I replied, yep!

LOL

 

[Netzach]

I'm sure you are feeling leapt on. This too is on the "honest concern" train.

You know my situation, you know what pisses me off about yours?

I have never been blown off by my stud. Lost in the shuffle of a busy life, yes. But never ever when I have had something important to say, pleasant or un, has he run away from me or cut contact or averted his attention. I've made him cry with the cold hard truth of how bad he's hurt me at times, but he hasn't run off. He's hard to get rid of.

That would be a serious red flag. And it would be hard to walk away - it's almost impossible to think what would make me, but that would make me seriously doubt what I know.

I think unless he sees that as totally fucking UNacceptable no matter what, you are selling yourself short.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Some one may find herself clubbed over the head and dragged back to my cave one of these days.

WITH the Kitten seal of approval too, I think...

In Knuckle Draggin', Club Swingin', Leather Skin Wearin' Kink...

 

[BiBunny]

I'm sure you are feeling leapt on. This too is on the "honest concern" train.

You know my situation, you know what pisses me off about yours?

I have never been blown off by my stud. Lost in the shuffle of a busy life, yes. But never ever when I have had something important to say, pleasant or un, has he run away from me or cut contact or averted his attention. I've made him cry with the cold hard truth of how bad he's hurt me at times, but he hasn't run off. He's hard to get rid of.

That would be a serious red flag. And it would be hard to walk away - it's almost impossible to think what would make me, but that would make me seriously doubt what I know.

I think unless he sees that as totally fucking UNacceptable no matter what, you are selling yourself short.

Netz, I always appreciate what you have to say because I think you really do understand from whence I come. You know what? It pisses me off, too. I think, though, that B. comes off looking a lot more vilified on paper than he really is in real life. He knows what he did was wrong, but I've learned that he's pretty damn good at backing himself into a corner and then not knowing what to do to get out. Does he need to grow up? Yes. Maybe I do, too. I admit that I do get a certain pleasure in playing these kinds of head games with him. *Shrug* Guess we're fucked up in a similar way. I know it sounds like I'm just making excuses for the guy, but I'm probably as much to blame as he is. I don't make things easy, either.

 

[BiBunny]

Some one may find herself clubbed over the head and dragged back to my cave one of these days.

WITH the Kitten seal of approval too, I think...

In Knuckle Draggin', Club Swingin', Leather Skin Wearin' Kink...

Promise? *Looks at EG, all shifty-like*

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Promise? *Looks at EG, all shifty-like*

Such a "slut".. lol