myinnerslut
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re-evaluating my relationship
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CutieMouse
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myinnerslut
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BiBunny
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I'm not going to give you advice because only you know what's best for you, but I'm just going to tell you about my experiences.
Pretty much everybody on this board knows about my trials and tribulations with B. It's been hard, and it's been crazy. So many times, I've said the same things that you're saying, that he ignores me, that I give and give and give, and he doesn't do anything, that I couldn't take him hurting me anymore. A couple of months ago, I told him I needed to go my own way, and he let me. I couldn't stand it. I begged him to talk to me again, and a couple of weeks ago, he did.
Our relationship hasn't ended, but it's different. I love him with all my heart. He knows this, and I believe he loves me as well, but he's never told me. I've decided that the only way I could stand to stay with him was to stop making him and his attention and his approval the center of my universe. The alternative was to let him walk out of my life forever, and I realized that I just can't do that.
I believe everything happens for a reason. If we weren't meant to be together (if you believe in that kind of thing), he wouldn't have come back after I more or less told him to go. I love this man, and I'll do whatever it takes to be with him, even if it's not under ideal circumstances, and even if maybe I'm not getting everything I should get. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
I'm not telling you that you should do this. Only you know your own mind. I wish you both the best of luck. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me.
Pretty much everybody on this board knows about my trials and tribulations with B. It's been hard, and it's been crazy. So many times, I've said the same things that you're saying, that he ignores me, that I give and give and give, and he doesn't do anything, that I couldn't take him hurting me anymore. A couple of months ago, I told him I needed to go my own way, and he let me. I couldn't stand it. I begged him to talk to me again, and a couple of weeks ago, he did.
Our relationship hasn't ended, but it's different. I love him with all my heart. He knows this, and I believe he loves me as well, but he's never told me. I've decided that the only way I could stand to stay with him was to stop making him and his attention and his approval the center of my universe. The alternative was to let him walk out of my life forever, and I realized that I just can't do that.
I believe everything happens for a reason. If we weren't meant to be together (if you believe in that kind of thing), he wouldn't have come back after I more or less told him to go. I love this man, and I'll do whatever it takes to be with him, even if it's not under ideal circumstances, and even if maybe I'm not getting everything I should get. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
I'm not telling you that you should do this. Only you know your own mind. I wish you both the best of luck. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me.
myinnerslut said:
Sigh. It's hard isn't it? Nothing is simple, nothing is easy... (gripes under breath). I hope you can find resolution. The only thing I can offer is completely unsolicited advice. It's easier to 'work on' things, when you have precise targets. Does he have a clear understanding of the words and behaviors that are hurtful to you? Do you have a grasp of where you may be contributing to problem(s)?
Err, congrats on the safe word? Is that appropriate? It seems like it should be since it's an expression of trust & respect. Isn't it?
Good Luck!
Please be advised that the opinions expressed here are not necessarily informed, accurate or even vaguely relevant.
ecstaticsub
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If you truly love him, and he truly loves you then the relationship was meant to be. All relationships whether they be vanilla or D/s have their ups and downs and stresses that keep us from being as attentive as we should be. My husband and I dated for 5 yrs before we got married and broke up twice during that time mostly due to stresses of classes etc. Now we have been happily married for over 20 years.
Hugs to you!
Hugs to you!
Chris_Xavier
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You and A re-evaluating things within a week sounds like a smart strategy. I hope that the best thing for the two of you is what happens.
Sir_Winston54
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mis, I have a suggestion you can take for what it costs... 
Each of you, create a ... journal, for lack of a better word ... of the facets of your relationship that are important to you as an individual - the things that make it work day-to-day, the things that are damaging it (work stress, whatever), the things that someone *outside* the relationship might think could be key issues, but don't matter to you. Give specific daily instances of any of these facets occurring (that's why I chose "journal" instead of "list"). At the end of the week - or every day or couple of days, if that's what the two of you want - trade them. This will allow each of you to see what is important to the other, and what the other is perceiving to happen within your relationship, and how you each feel about what the other is doing, both prior to and during this week.
EG and I have said over and over and over again - along with many others - that communication is perhaps the most important issue in any relationship, but oftentimes even moreso in a kink relationship. Sometimes, things are hard to come out and say, or it's not appropriate to say something at the moment that something occurs, so writing it down can help with either of those issues, as well as many others that inhibit honest, open communication.
As I said, you can take this for what it costs - or give it a try. It's just a suggestion.
Each of you, create a ... journal, for lack of a better word ... of the facets of your relationship that are important to you as an individual - the things that make it work day-to-day, the things that are damaging it (work stress, whatever), the things that someone *outside* the relationship might think could be key issues, but don't matter to you. Give specific daily instances of any of these facets occurring (that's why I chose "journal" instead of "list"). At the end of the week - or every day or couple of days, if that's what the two of you want - trade them. This will allow each of you to see what is important to the other, and what the other is perceiving to happen within your relationship, and how you each feel about what the other is doing, both prior to and during this week.
EG and I have said over and over and over again - along with many others - that communication is perhaps the most important issue in any relationship, but oftentimes even moreso in a kink relationship. Sometimes, things are hard to come out and say, or it's not appropriate to say something at the moment that something occurs, so writing it down can help with either of those issues, as well as many others that inhibit honest, open communication.
As I said, you can take this for what it costs - or give it a try. It's just a suggestion.
minx1
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*huge hugs* to you Mis, I know how much A means to you and I hope you both manage to work it out.
I agree with Chris that re evaluating things is a really good idea. One of the main things that leapt out at me as I read your op was that imo a week is a really short amount of time to see any significant or even 'genuine' improvement.
I went through something similar when my marriage broke up. I think when something as important as your relationship is riding on the outcome of a week, its likely that the parties will be nervous as hell, act out of character because of the pressure and could give you a slightly 'distorted' impression of how things are.
As I say its just my opinion, but you've been together a long time, you sound like you both really want it to work. I would just give it a little longer to look for some improvement as it will take a while break the bad habits and adjust any 'negative' behaviour I'd have thought.
Sorry if I'm not making sense.....I've just woken up lol. Whatever happens, I am sending good thoughts your way!
I agree with Chris that re evaluating things is a really good idea. One of the main things that leapt out at me as I read your op was that imo a week is a really short amount of time to see any significant or even 'genuine' improvement.
I went through something similar when my marriage broke up. I think when something as important as your relationship is riding on the outcome of a week, its likely that the parties will be nervous as hell, act out of character because of the pressure and could give you a slightly 'distorted' impression of how things are.
As I say its just my opinion, but you've been together a long time, you sound like you both really want it to work. I would just give it a little longer to look for some improvement as it will take a while break the bad habits and adjust any 'negative' behaviour I'd have thought.
Sorry if I'm not making sense.....I've just woken up lol. Whatever happens, I am sending good thoughts your way!
intothewoods
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mis - I think it's great you are reevaulating things too. Remember, there's no deadline by which you have to make a decision. Just sit with your feelings for a while.
the captians wench
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myinnerslut
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Netzach
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We've had some really shitty lows, I think they're part of any serious relationship. M tends to react to being overwhelmed with flight, so divorce gets floated and it used to escalate the whole thing and freak everyone out. I've learned to say "maybe we do need a divorce, but we can't get one now, and if we still need one tomorrow after you eat something and get a nights' sleep then we can go about getting it." It's a quantuum leap of a smart growth move on my part to have developed this response because being overtired and worn to the bone is always a bad time for any serious discussion.
Uh, it's not my place to judge at all, but I'm totally going to:
... why the hell are you two playing with one another when you're barely on civil ground? Of course the scenes are going to melt down.
A week is too short a time, I agree, but you can definitely say that if you haven't made *communications* progress in a week forget it.
Uh, it's not my place to judge at all, but I'm totally going to:
... why the hell are you two playing with one another when you're barely on civil ground? Of course the scenes are going to melt down.
A week is too short a time, I agree, but you can definitely say that if you haven't made *communications* progress in a week forget it.
CutieMouse
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catalina_francisco
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Sorry you are having so much turmoil. Sir Winston gives good advice, and I also agree a week is probably a little short considering you need time to process the mix of feelings resulting from not just the issues at hand, but the unexpected reaction of A to it. As to the safeword thing, my experience is that when you are going through emotional upheaval you often find that even the simplist thing you could accept and enjoy before, might suddenly and inexplicably become overwhelming to the point of not being possible. Hope it all works out for you in a way which brings you peace and happiness.
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1144/664672330_a82a96b823_t.jpg Catalina
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1144/664672330_a82a96b823_t.jpg Catalina
myinnerslut
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CutieMouse
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Best of luck on working things out. I don't know your situation or your relationship, but it does say something that he expressed his love and willingness to work on things. If he hadn't expressed those things - I would say you were making the right choice by leaving.
Long relationships a ton of work .. and have so many ups and downs. Ez and I have now been together for almost 5 years and as most know, we just got married. We also split for a period of time .. 6 months at the beginning.
Both partners have to be willing to work hard and together for things to go far. Communication and talking often are the key to everything in my opinion.
A couple other thoughts ... we have always dropped the D/s aspect of our relationship when things are really rough. It really helped us focus on just 'us', our friends, and the relationship without the D/s part of things adding extra emotions and at times confusion.
My other thought was to agree about the journal idea. My sister and her husband recently almost got a divorce and tried the journalling idea (in a slightly different way). On their own.. when they got upset they would write down what was bothering them and why it was bothering them... BUT... prior to writing down the negative, they made an agreement to write down a half page of all of the things they loved about their partner first.... even if it was small silly things. (he puts the toilet seat down; he did the dishes last night; he has a goatee and its sexy, etc) .. any idea worked. Doing this saved their marriage and they made it through a very rough 3-6 months coming out on the other side very happy.
Best of luck .. as others have said .. if this is meant to be .. it will be.
Long relationships a ton of work .. and have so many ups and downs. Ez and I have now been together for almost 5 years and as most know, we just got married. We also split for a period of time .. 6 months at the beginning.
Both partners have to be willing to work hard and together for things to go far. Communication and talking often are the key to everything in my opinion.
A couple other thoughts ... we have always dropped the D/s aspect of our relationship when things are really rough. It really helped us focus on just 'us', our friends, and the relationship without the D/s part of things adding extra emotions and at times confusion.
My other thought was to agree about the journal idea. My sister and her husband recently almost got a divorce and tried the journalling idea (in a slightly different way). On their own.. when they got upset they would write down what was bothering them and why it was bothering them... BUT... prior to writing down the negative, they made an agreement to write down a half page of all of the things they loved about their partner first.... even if it was small silly things. (he puts the toilet seat down; he did the dishes last night; he has a goatee and its sexy, etc) .. any idea worked. Doing this saved their marriage and they made it through a very rough 3-6 months coming out on the other side very happy.
Best of luck .. as others have said .. if this is meant to be .. it will be.
HottieMama
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mis..i have no words of wisdom....Just wanted to say my PM box is open as well if you need another set of ears...
Sir_Winston54
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A little addition to my previous post. (Will the man never shut up??? )
Your concept of a week to see if there were going to be "some small improvment in that time, some sign that we will be able to make this work," is IMNSHO a good one, with a slight caveat. Each week for a period of time should show some sign(s), with the two of you sitting down together to look over the immediate past week and the preceding ones. Even *I* can usually romance and maintain my focus on a relationship for a week, regardless of what else is happening in my life. It's whether or not the two of you can continue to communicate and focus on bettering your relationship over a substantially longer period of time that's important.
One small step at a time. A person doesn't just get up one day in his/her early twenties and set a world record in the marathon. He/she trains, learning to run short distances, then longer distances, then longer yet; as fast as he/she can, faster, fastest. Look at this relationship as a marathon, because that's apparently what you both want it to do - go the distance - so train for it each week. The type of journal Zaudika's post mentions will work very nicely after the second or third week, when you've gotten the important facets of your relationship defined, so to speak, and those succeeding journals will focus on how each of you is doing on making your relationship work. (Even as I write and re-read this, it seems awkward, but at this moment I can't think of a clearer way to express it. Sorry.)
Good luck to you; you have a good support network here to "hold your hand" when things get a little rough, as they well may at times. No road is entirely free of bumps - but they make the smooth parts seem ever so much nicer.
)Your concept of a week to see if there were going to be "some small improvment in that time, some sign that we will be able to make this work," is IMNSHO a good one, with a slight caveat. Each week for a period of time should show some sign(s), with the two of you sitting down together to look over the immediate past week and the preceding ones. Even *I* can usually romance and maintain my focus on a relationship for a week, regardless of what else is happening in my life. It's whether or not the two of you can continue to communicate and focus on bettering your relationship over a substantially longer period of time that's important.
One small step at a time. A person doesn't just get up one day in his/her early twenties and set a world record in the marathon. He/she trains, learning to run short distances, then longer distances, then longer yet; as fast as he/she can, faster, fastest. Look at this relationship as a marathon, because that's apparently what you both want it to do - go the distance - so train for it each week. The type of journal Zaudika's post mentions will work very nicely after the second or third week, when you've gotten the important facets of your relationship defined, so to speak, and those succeeding journals will focus on how each of you is doing on making your relationship work. (Even as I write and re-read this, it seems awkward, but at this moment I can't think of a clearer way to express it. Sorry.)
Good luck to you; you have a good support network here to "hold your hand" when things get a little rough, as they well may at times. No road is entirely free of bumps - but they make the smooth parts seem ever so much nicer.
callinectes
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I don't have much to add to the great advice above...just wanted to send you a hug.
intothewoods
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I know I'm going to get slapped around for saying this (which I actually find kinda hot, but I digress...) but you and A are also both each other's first loves, right? You're both pretty young. It's always very intense, and it's always hard to let go when the time comes, if it does come.
Some people marry their first love and live happily ever after. Barbara Bush has only kissed one man in her life, for example. But many people don't marry their first loves. I guess my only caution is that you don't tell yourself you have to stay. Because you don't. It's completely up to you.
That's why I say sit with your feelings for a while. There's no rush to decide, no do or die moment. See how things go. See how you feel.
On the other hand, what the fuck do I know?
Some people marry their first love and live happily ever after. Barbara Bush has only kissed one man in her life, for example. But many people don't marry their first loves. I guess my only caution is that you don't tell yourself you have to stay. Because you don't. It's completely up to you.
That's why I say sit with your feelings for a while. There's no rush to decide, no do or die moment. See how things go. See how you feel.
On the other hand, what the fuck do I know?
