Raw deal

[mac272]

I see the car
to the left of me
the hair I feel
crawling up my spine
like small catapillars
move over me

My breath quickens
my head throbs
my hand start to moisten
with sweat

DAMN
SHIT
FUCK
I scream as
this orchestra of
metal rubber smoke
and fire begins engulfing me

The impact was like
walking into a dark room
and getting punched in the head
I feel my body pull
from left to right
legs bend
arms break
teeth raddle

As I'm thrown around the car
for a brief moment I feel
like I'm in water floating
a gental calm comes over me
and then reality hits


FUCK!!!!!
I'm being pulled from this
metal caccon like a
broken butterfly
stumbling around looking
for a familiar face
a smile
a kind word

All I see is fucking
on lookers blank stares
rubber neckers
DRIVE YOUR CAR!!!
STOP STARING!!!
NOTHING TO SEE!!!
but my bruised body
bruised ego

man will this hurt
come morning time
what a freaking raw deal.
l
Just thought I'd give it another try.....

 

[Rybka]

Just a thought I'd give it another try.....

Suggest you start with a spell checker.


Regards, Rybka

 

[mac272]

Thanks I always just send what I write,I really don't mean to sound stupid but I don't like to mess with my thoughts.But a spell check would help with making it easier to read....

 

[_Land]

Thanks I always just send what I write,I really don't mean to sound stupid but I don't like to mess with my thoughts.But a spell check would help with making it easier to read....

This is a lot better then the first two mac... Run spell check on it eliminate a few of the useless words, Read it out loud, cut a few words out, and repost it.........Then I will comment _Land

 

[beths-virtue]

well, heres a bash at it, since _Land suggested i offer some support...
just please, keep in mind, when you write, you write from "Your" experience, not mine, but, when i offer to help, its coming from me , and "my" experience, some of what i suggest, may not be what you want out of your works, same goes for anyone offering advice, support, criticism
all right , now that i played CYA to the poem,
tally ho!

RawDeal

I see the car
to the left of me
the hair I feel
crawling up my spine
like small catapillars
move over me <<<<<i would drop this line, simply beacuse, when you say catipillers crawling up my spine, its pretty much a given tht they are moving over you...

My breath quickens
my head throbs
my hand start to moisten <<<drop start to, it seems frivilous
with sweat

DAMN
SHIT
FUCK
I scream as
this orchestra of
metal, rubber, smoke
and fire begins engulfing me<<<"begins engulfing", seems .. unwieldy, i would drop the word begins

The impact was like
walking into a dark room
and getting punched in the head

<<<<break added ,cause its a diffrent thought

I feel my body pull
from left to right
legs bend
arms break
teeth raddle <<<rattle, not raddle

As I'm thrown around the car <<drop "As"
for a brief moment I feel
like I'm in water floating
a gental calm comes over me <<gentle add period , after "me", drop and from the next line make into a sentance

and then reality hits


FUCK!!!!!
I'm being pulled from this
metal caccon like a <<cocoon
broken butterfly <<. > end of thought, and break
stumbling around looking
for a familiar face <<<<again, end of thought,
a smile
a kind word

All I see is fucking
on lookers blank stares
rubber neckers
DRIVE YOUR CAR!!!
STOP STARING!!!
NOTHING TO SEE!!!
but my bruised body
bruised ego

man will this hurt
come morning time
what a freaking raw deal. .....

ok, imho, either drop the word freaking completely, my first choce,

or change it to yet another cuss word.
freaking, after all the other harsh words in the poem .. just seems a cop out in the end line,...

think of the last line of the poem as the final thought, or the part that says , end of story, or, leave it as something intriguing, making the reader want to re read the poem... sort of like the punch line of a joke ... if its flat, it ruins the flow of the poem...


this is much much better, youre showing progress... but, youll still need a wing to be tucked under for a bit.. keep bashing at the keyboard, but, i would encourage you to please , use spell check before you send anything, first of all, a good program , like microsoft word proccessor, can be set up for poetry, it can capitolize the first line , which is standard poem form , and can alert you to sentance fragments, and run on sentences as well... not just catch misspelled words. so it can be quite a worthy tool,

i do understand what youre saying about writing how you feel, i wrtie much the same way myself, but, i have developed a technique that works for me , in managing my poems, before they leave my protection, i posted it on what makes good poetry thread, you can check there if you want, and theres lots of great advice in there from some other very talented poets we have here on the boards.
In frith , Beth

 

[_Land]

Re: Re: Raw deal

well, heres a bash at it, since _Land suggested i offer some support...
just please, keep in mind, when you write, you write from "Your" experience, not mine, but, when i offer to help, its coming from me , and "my" experience, some of what i suggest, may not be what you want out of your works, same goes for anyone offering advice, support, criticism
all right , now that i played CYA to the poem,
tally ho!




ok, imho, either drop the word freaking completely, my first choce,

or change it to yet another cuss word.
freaking, after all the other harsh words in the poem .. just seems a cop out in the end line,...

think of the last line of the poem as the final thought, or the part that says , end of story, or, leave it as something intriguing, making the reader want to re read the poem... sort of like the punch line of a joke ... if its flat, it ruins the flow of the poem...


this is much much better, youre showing progress... but, youll still need a wing to be tucked under for a bit.. keep bashing at the keyboard, but, i would encourage you to please , use spell check before you send anything, first of all, a good program , like microsoft word proccessor, can be set up for poetry, it can capitolize the first line , which is standard poem form , and can alert you to sentance fragments, and run on sentences as well... not just catch misspelled words. so it can be quite a worthy tool,

i do understand what youre saying about writing how you feel, i wrtie much the same way myself, but, i have developed a technique that works for me , in managing my poems, before they leave my protection, i posted it on what makes good poetry thread, you can check there if you want, and theres lots of great advice in there from some other very talented poets we have here on the boards.
In frith , Beth

great advice beth, thanks for taking time to help _Land

 

[Rybka]

B.V. wrote:

first of all, a good program , like microsoft word proccessor, can be set up for poetry, it can capitolize the first line , which is standard poem form , and can alert you to sentance fragments, and run on sentences as well... not just catch misspelled words. so it can be quite a worthy tool,

O.K. I did not know that. How do I set up a poem format in Word?

Regards, Rybka

 

[beths-virtue]

B.V. wrote:


O.K. I did not know that. How do I set up a poem format in Word?

Regards, Rybka

ok,first of all, i use microsoft works wordprosessor, i hope , were all on the same page on that... and i am not sure if this is somethign new with the spell check, since, i am running xp, and puter is rather new....

but....

copied from the help menu

Set options for spelling, grammar, and writing styles
What are the options for spelling, grammar, and writing styles?
In Works, you can select a writing style for a document. Each writing style has a unique combination of grammar rules that you can apply to a document.
The dictionary that Works uses to check spelling and grammar determines the writing style. You can specify the dictionary and thesaurus you want to use, and set rules for spelling.

On the Tools menu, click Options.

Under Proofing Tools, select the dictionary, writing style, and thesaurus you want to use.

Click OK.

you can choose standard formal, casual or technical, i have mine set for standard, and it just works, but perhaps it wont for anyone else....
someone told me they will be addign more to it soon, i dont know

 

[Rybka]

Thanks, B - V

I guess it doesn't work with Word '97. At least I cannot find it.

Regards, Rybka

 

[beths-virtue]

sorry rybka

unfortunately, that was my fear...
havin a computer and os few others have yet, has disadvantages....


now i need to find a poem to go with a pic...

 

[karmadog]

mac, I think there is some power in your poem. You say that you don't like to 'mess with your thoughts', but you can use your intellect after the fact to focus your feelings and make them even more powerful.

I am a bad poet, but I think in all writing, the mind should focus the heart. Not control or obscure it, but work like a magnifing glass does for the sun. It doesn't change the nature of the thing, but it sure fucks up an ant.

 

[_Land]

Man thats some good Karma

mac, I think there is some power in your poem. You say that you don't like to 'mess with your thoughts', but you can use your intellect after the fact to focus your feelings and make them even more powerful.

I am a bad poet, but I think in all writing, the mind should focus the heart. Not control or obscure it, but work like a magnifing glass does for the sun. It doesn't change the nature of the thing, but it sure fucks up an ant.

Can we bottle that advice up and sell it? great advice K-dog