A few years ago, my boyfriend got me into toys. Over the years, I've tried quite a few and enjoyed them. Just a few months ago I got one that was really strong. I could only just handle it at first, but now it's the only way I can find any pleasure. I seem to have desensitized myself to anything else. My boyfriend's feeling a little inadequate and I'm frustrated that I can't enjoy myself without breaking out the toy. I've tried just not useing any toys for a while and it doesn't seem to be working. There's nothing my BF can do for me and it takes me over half an hour to get anywhere on my own. Anyone know of any way I can get my sensitivity back?
Rather embarassing question...
- Thread starter Qina
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phoenix1224
Sexy Beast
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How long have you tried going without your toy?
I would think that the length of time it took you to become desensitized will be about the same amount of time that you'll have to go without the toy to regain your sensitivity.
I would think that the length of time it took you to become desensitized will be about the same amount of time that you'll have to go without the toy to regain your sensitivity.
work the pleasure principal
shift the focus away from the physical aspects of sex. Make it more mental.
For starters, put your toys away for awhile.
You and your boyfriend should change things around a little bit. Seems like sex was getting to be a bit routine in the first place.
Have sex somewhere else, take some risks, make it spicier.
Get your mind active and let that guide you.
Try different positions all together, wear something that you have never wore while having sex before. There's an endless list of things you can do and it has nothing to do with getting off on your sex toy. It seems like you were using it as a crutch anyway.
write back if any of these suggestions work.
shift the focus away from the physical aspects of sex. Make it more mental.
For starters, put your toys away for awhile.
You and your boyfriend should change things around a little bit. Seems like sex was getting to be a bit routine in the first place.
Have sex somewhere else, take some risks, make it spicier.
Get your mind active and let that guide you.
Try different positions all together, wear something that you have never wore while having sex before. There's an endless list of things you can do and it has nothing to do with getting off on your sex toy. It seems like you were using it as a crutch anyway.
write back if any of these suggestions work.
fr34k_n45ty
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I'd say take a break from the toys till you feel that you are getting to the orgasm in the correct time for you, sometimes you put yourself in a routine that you feel thats the only way to get off so you have to break the habit. so i'd say just take a break and chill enjoy sex for the sex not just the orgasm and your boy should understand it might take a bit to get back to the norm.
happy sex
happy sex
Qina said:
Hon, I totally understand, and been there done that. You get to the point where its the only way you can get off. Then my husband gives me the "huff" cause it takes more than 5min to get me off, hello....I"m a girl. not a guy where a stiff wind gets you hard.
luv1
Pants on head.
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The problem with toys (the same goes for fetishs) is that they can get in the way instead of enhance, you start to loose the feel of your partners body and your own. Some time you need to go back to basics to remember who you both are. Like the missionary, I've known people who aviod it coz it's so unadventurous but it's great as you both don't have to strain and your both looking into each others eyes thought out the sex as well as when you come.
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I got it from a "Pleasures Party" so I'm not sure if you'd find it at a store or not, but it's a bag with a couple different things in it. It's called Pearl Krystal Party Trix Bag. And I was wondering if anyone would ask me about it... beware not to get too used to it
Tboner: I don't really think we've gotten into a routine... I have all sorts of things to wear, we go out to out of the way parking lots, we try any position we can think of (of course we have our favorites)...
It takes a lot to get me physically arroused; mentally, I'm ready just about anytime! I've not used any toys for over 3 weeks now and only come twice... both all me and taking over half an hour. I guess I'll stop even trying for a bit. I've been trying to convince my BF that he doesn't need to pleasure me every time, but he feels bad if he doesn't.
Pyro Paul
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how do you and your boyfreind have sex?
if he just sticks it in and wiggles it about then of course a toy will do a much better job. the thing that makes a toy inadiquate to a man is the fact that the toy has no emotion behind it, sure it can make you cum beond your wildest dreams but like hell is it gunna serve you breakfast in bed when your sick... and if it does that then shit, id be outta a job. for the most part, on your boyfrends half, he has to become more sensual Outside of basic intercourse; foreplay, kissing, sucking on your most sensitive areas, feather across the skin, all that hot suductive crap, that will give you the best sex results with him. a toy, can not do the suductive crap, but makes up for it by making you able to cum faster, and harder, than a standard fuck job from any guy.
if you feel desenstized from sex, then take a break from all sexual activities, even the toys, even just touching yourself.
as for your fears, this is a classic sample of a fetish, you enjoy something somuch so that you can no longer have normal sex unless if you Have it with you or in you. the best thing to do is to drop the toy for a 'special' occasion only thing, not an all the time thing.
also, if you dont wish to drop the usage of toys, then buy one thats around the same size as your boyfriend and of a weaker grade, it will feel still as good as any toy but he wont be doing a half hour work out just to please you.
if he just sticks it in and wiggles it about then of course a toy will do a much better job. the thing that makes a toy inadiquate to a man is the fact that the toy has no emotion behind it, sure it can make you cum beond your wildest dreams but like hell is it gunna serve you breakfast in bed when your sick... and if it does that then shit, id be outta a job. for the most part, on your boyfrends half, he has to become more sensual Outside of basic intercourse; foreplay, kissing, sucking on your most sensitive areas, feather across the skin, all that hot suductive crap, that will give you the best sex results with him. a toy, can not do the suductive crap, but makes up for it by making you able to cum faster, and harder, than a standard fuck job from any guy.
if you feel desenstized from sex, then take a break from all sexual activities, even the toys, even just touching yourself.
as for your fears, this is a classic sample of a fetish, you enjoy something somuch so that you can no longer have normal sex unless if you Have it with you or in you. the best thing to do is to drop the toy for a 'special' occasion only thing, not an all the time thing.
also, if you dont wish to drop the usage of toys, then buy one thats around the same size as your boyfriend and of a weaker grade, it will feel still as good as any toy but he wont be doing a half hour work out just to please you.
Inside does nothing for me and never has. I'm talking about the clit area only...smaller is better there
And no he doesn't
We have quite a bit of foreplay before sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't... actually it's turned me on more the one or 2 times he's just given me the look an torn my pants off!
Pyro Paul
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if thats the case, then i would say your best bet is to drop the toys into the 'special occation only' box and break them out when your looking for a really really wild night that you remember.
but for the most part. it sounds like you desenstized yourself. if your using something like a clitoris stimulator then the nerve endings in the clit will soon become slightly numb after constant useage. it is best to stop use of it for a while so the nerves can rebuild their strength. the best time frame (im not totaly sure for women) is a week or two.
Guys also encounter this problem if they constantly masterbate. the muscles in their penis start to become sore and the nerves around the head and shaft become less senstive making it harder for a man to ejaculate, a simple week or 2 with out masterbation will bring them right back to as if they touched it for the first time.
but for the most part. it sounds like you desenstized yourself. if your using something like a clitoris stimulator then the nerve endings in the clit will soon become slightly numb after constant useage. it is best to stop use of it for a while so the nerves can rebuild their strength. the best time frame (im not totaly sure for women) is a week or two.
Guys also encounter this problem if they constantly masterbate. the muscles in their penis start to become sore and the nerves around the head and shaft become less senstive making it harder for a man to ejaculate, a simple week or 2 with out masterbation will bring them right back to as if they touched it for the first time.
SweetErika
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I've been using strong toys for many years, and have never had a problem with desensitization.
However, I have had mental blocks, especially when something changes. Much of it's had to do with distraction and being frustrated over not getting there...it's a vicious cycle really. So perhaps your problem isn't the toy, it's that you had trouble the first time, and your mind has been interfering ever since.
Try talking to your partner (reassure him it has nothing to do with him, no pressure will help, and this is a solvable problem), and take the focus off orgasm altogether. Just enjoy the pleasure, and maybe try using one of your fantasies or reading a story while he performs oral or something else that just feels good. When you both stop worrying about it, I bet you'll come.
If you need a lot of stimulation and toys help, you both may also want to assess why using them as an aid is viewed negatively or problematic for him. We've found they can be incorporated really well into a fantastic sex life, and if I need a little help sometimes, so be it...it's certainly not a replacement for a partner in any way.
However, I have had mental blocks, especially when something changes. Much of it's had to do with distraction and being frustrated over not getting there...it's a vicious cycle really. So perhaps your problem isn't the toy, it's that you had trouble the first time, and your mind has been interfering ever since.
Try talking to your partner (reassure him it has nothing to do with him, no pressure will help, and this is a solvable problem), and take the focus off orgasm altogether. Just enjoy the pleasure, and maybe try using one of your fantasies or reading a story while he performs oral or something else that just feels good. When you both stop worrying about it, I bet you'll come.
If you need a lot of stimulation and toys help, you both may also want to assess why using them as an aid is viewed negatively or problematic for him. We've found they can be incorporated really well into a fantastic sex life, and if I need a little help sometimes, so be it...it's certainly not a replacement for a partner in any way.
SweetErika
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Huh. Well, you said he was frustrated in your first post, and that he felt bad about not bringing you to orgasm later on, so I thought perhaps he may feel demoralized about the vibe being the only thing that works.Qina said:
Still, we've found a change in perspective can be incredibly helpful...a lot of people who have amazing, very exciting sex lives can only orgasm one way (e.g. oral, manual, penetration, toys), but I think most of them feel the variety and spice is in getting close, the setting, etc. In other words, focusing on the destination instead of the journey might be setting yourselves up for failure/boredom.
chickman44
Really Really Experienced
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Just a suggestion...
My ex used vibes quite a bit both with and without me, and it always bothered me that I wasn't able to get her off while fucking. Our foreplay would get her hot, but she needed the vibe to come. After much convincing, she let me start giving her oral before we fucked and she quickly learned the pleasures of a well-licked pussy. At first I would go down on her for 20-30 minutes before she would come, but once she was able to relax I could get her off in 3-5 minutes easy... She never did learn to come from fucking, but I know it was all in her head.
Most guys aren't built like 12" dildos and we don't have buzzing accessories. There is no way to compete with a sextoy for quick orgasms. If you really want to kick the habit, you need to ditch the toy. It's just an easy out. Relax, watch some porn or put on some lingerie, whatever gets you in the right mood mentally. Then start doing your thing and make sure he knows it will probably take you a while to come. If neither of you is in a hurry, you won't feel any pressure, which often detracts from the experience. Give him plenty of moans and groans when he's hitting the right spot and he'll keep going for as long as it takes. When you do climax, it'll be worth the wait.
One last piece of advice: DO NOT under ANY circumstances fake an orgasm. Finding out your girl fakes it is about as shitty as finding out she is fucking your friends. If it just isn't happening for you and you want to take a break, just tell him so. If he's like me, he'll be happy to keep trying over and over until he gets the desired result!
My ex used vibes quite a bit both with and without me, and it always bothered me that I wasn't able to get her off while fucking. Our foreplay would get her hot, but she needed the vibe to come. After much convincing, she let me start giving her oral before we fucked and she quickly learned the pleasures of a well-licked pussy. At first I would go down on her for 20-30 minutes before she would come, but once she was able to relax I could get her off in 3-5 minutes easy... She never did learn to come from fucking, but I know it was all in her head.
Most guys aren't built like 12" dildos and we don't have buzzing accessories. There is no way to compete with a sextoy for quick orgasms. If you really want to kick the habit, you need to ditch the toy. It's just an easy out. Relax, watch some porn or put on some lingerie, whatever gets you in the right mood mentally. Then start doing your thing and make sure he knows it will probably take you a while to come. If neither of you is in a hurry, you won't feel any pressure, which often detracts from the experience. Give him plenty of moans and groans when he's hitting the right spot and he'll keep going for as long as it takes. When you do climax, it'll be worth the wait.
One last piece of advice: DO NOT under ANY circumstances fake an orgasm. Finding out your girl fakes it is about as shitty as finding out she is fucking your friends. If it just isn't happening for you and you want to take a break, just tell him so. If he's like me, he'll be happy to keep trying over and over until he gets the desired result!
silverwhisper
just this guy, you know?
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chickman: that's an excellent post, apart from the big that eilan already mentioned.
ed
ed
That's what brought all this about. I noticed that he was getting tired one day and I knew nothing was going to happen any time soon. I didn't want to make him feel bad so I faked. It kinda became habit because he'd comment on how long it took that time if I waited it out. Just recently we were having one of those late night confess all talks and he mentioned that I fake sometimes. I admited it but the way I said it led him to realize that I was talking about something else. It turned out that he thought I was faking when I wasn't and thought I wasn't when I was. Now he knows that his fingers don't do anything for me and his tongue usually doesn't... we're trying to fix that
swjunckie
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Hmmmm
Sounds like you both need to be completely honest with one another when you're in the mood or not.
Tell him where to lick or nibble. Nibble or lick somewhere else. Maybe you go after him for a long time doing something that turns you on. Use his dick as your dildo.. or just suck him and rub yourself..
Don't completely focus on getting you off. Maybe focus on getting him to the edge and maybe over then him focusing on you. I found if both of you are so hung up on getting her go skyrocket, neither gets pleasure from it.
Perhaps do allot more of just the teasing... both of you. Get both of your minds ready and yearning to go ballistic. This isn't just before you slide it in or whatever, this is all day. leading up to it. Maybe all week working up to something really kinky or something new or maybe rewarding yourself with the toy. Like what's always said its mental. When I get totally desensitized after a long session of sex, but i'm still hard and yearning for the orgasm, its the mental game that's played that gets me over the edge (alas sometimes a break is required if both parties are so f'd out they can't move).
Good luck and we all hope to see some orgasms in your future.
(I hope you understood this meandering thought stream)
Sounds like you both need to be completely honest with one another when you're in the mood or not.
Tell him where to lick or nibble. Nibble or lick somewhere else. Maybe you go after him for a long time doing something that turns you on. Use his dick as your dildo.. or just suck him and rub yourself..
Don't completely focus on getting you off. Maybe focus on getting him to the edge and maybe over then him focusing on you. I found if both of you are so hung up on getting her go skyrocket, neither gets pleasure from it.
Perhaps do allot more of just the teasing... both of you. Get both of your minds ready and yearning to go ballistic. This isn't just before you slide it in or whatever, this is all day. leading up to it. Maybe all week working up to something really kinky or something new or maybe rewarding yourself with the toy. Like what's always said its mental. When I get totally desensitized after a long session of sex, but i'm still hard and yearning for the orgasm, its the mental game that's played that gets me over the edge (alas sometimes a break is required if both parties are so f'd out they can't move).
Good luck and we all hope to see some orgasms in your future.
(I hope you understood this meandering thought stream)
therockap1
Really Experienced
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don't use the toy, and don't masterbate
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