Questions about "training"

[Arles]

Hello all--please forgive if this is covered somewhere else, but I haven't been able to find anything on the subject that answers my questions.

Here's the problem: my gf and I are moving slowly into more of a D/s relationship--a process of discovery for both of us that has been both frustrating and rewarding. Par for the course, I suspect. We're both reading stuff here and elsewhere to help us understand what we're going through and where we are and where we want to go, and we keep running into this thing about "training."

My questions: How important is it to "train" a sub? Is it necessary to do so? Or is "training" more of a scene that you play out?

If you are a sub, do you expect to be trained? Do you like being trained in some ways and not others--and if so, how would you let your Dom/me know that?

If you are a Dom/me, what sort of regimen does training entail?

I guess the problem we're having is that when my gf is in one of her sub phases, she'll do pretty much anything I want or tell her to do without being "trained"--and so it doesn't seem to be all that necessary.

Or am I just misunderstanding the whole concept?

 

[A Desert Rose]

I don't think training is quite the right word. Everyone has different expectations and a Dom/me is no exception. Learning is a better choice or educating, maybe. No Dom/me or submissive is the same as the next one, so learning what one expects and desires is just part of the journey and I don't think that journey ever really ends.

We all change and grow and so it's a never ending part of life. A D/s relationship is no different. I know several Dom's and Domme's and they have quite different views and desires. I've only been involved intimately with a couple but they were extremely different men. And they expected extremely different things from me.




But I could be wrong.... it's been known to happen.

 

[s'lara]

Hello all--please forgive if this is covered somewhere else, but I haven't been able to find anything on the subject that answers my questions.

Here's the problem: my gf and I are moving slowly into more of a D/s relationship--a process of discovery for both of us that has been both frustrating and rewarding. Par for the course, I suspect. We're both reading stuff here and elsewhere to help us understand what we're going through and where we are and where we want to go, and we keep running into this thing about "training."

My questions: How important is it to "train" a sub? Is it necessary to do so? Or is "training" more of a scene that you play out?

If you are a sub, do you expect to be trained? Do you like being trained in some ways and not others--and if so, how would you let your Dom/me know that?

If you are a Dom/me, what sort of regimen does training entail?

I guess the problem we're having is that when my gf is in one of her sub phases, she'll do pretty much anything I want or tell her to do without being "trained"--and so it doesn't seem to be all that necessary.

Or am I just misunderstanding the whole concept?

Hello Arles and welcome to the BDSM board.

Training can be an important part of constructing a D/s relationship with your g/f. If your relationship will be structured in accordance with D/s, the training will be a tool to shape the relationship and not just as scene material.

If you have expectations of your sub/gf which are D/s oriented, it will be necessary to provide training. As with any pet, you must work towards reaching an ideal pattern of behavior. This sounds simplistic and not meant to belittle submissive's in any way, but if you want a small child to move from diapers to toilet use, you have to work on changing the behavior/habits of such child. While submissive's aren't children, we do require explanation of the Dominant's wishes. We're not mind readers so it will help to have guidance in terms of a Dominant's needs.

If you plan on moving into a fully realized D/s relationship and you both wish to assimilate the respective roles of Dominant/submissive, the training required is reliant upon what you will expect of your g/f. i don't know your goals, but if you are determined to proceed in this way, it is possible that your g/f will need training to perform the duties you will require. While training may not be necessary for some of the duties you might expect her to perform, there may be a need to train her in some areas where she might not have experience or has difficulty completing.

Once you do determine what you need from her, you should then seek out the safest and most appropriate way to have her meet those needs. Finally, please bear in mind that discussions with your g/f are very important in determining what she is capable of in terms of meeting your needs.

Please see some of the links below from our Library which touch on different areas of progession in D/s relationships. Good luck to you both.

lara

Checklist Thread

Contracts

Discipline and Punishment

Dominance

Exploration

Health

Humiliation

Introspection

Limits

Links

Pain and Sensation

Philosophy of BDSM

Relationships

Rituals

Sadism

Safewords and Safecalls

Subdrop

Submission

Subspace

Total Power Exchange (TPE)

 

[Arles]

Thank you for replying desert rose--your explanation makes sense to me. That is, I think learning about ourselves and each other and educating ourselves on what we're going through is exactly the way I would describe it.

I guess that's part of my confusion on the whole "training" thing. Maybe it's more of a thing for experienced Dom/mes and inexperienced subs...?

 

[Arles]

Wow, thanks s'lara! (I must have been writing my previous post when you posted yours.)

You've given me quite a lot to chew on here!

 

[s'lara]

Wow, thanks s'lara! (I must have been writing my previous post when you posted yours.)

You've given me quite a lot to chew on here!

You're most welcome Arles. i am the BDSM board librarian and am happy to help. Again, good luck on your explorations.

lara

 

[catalina_francisco]

Firstly, welcome to the board...hope you enjoy it as much as we do. I'm with s'lara on this. While learning about yourself and each other is vital, training is another aspect altogether and not limited to the experienced. IMO it is an integral part of the D/s relationship, part of discovering and setting the guidelines of expected behaviour and rules by which it will progress. Training is not done with the mindset of creating the perfect submissive as perfection is subjective, and not entirely the goal. Pleasing and showing a willingness to try at all times to reach the Dominant's ideal of perfection is more realistic.

It is also for many true that training can change and evolve over time. What might fit this year. might not necessarily be how you want things done next year or in 5 years time. There can be changes, adjustments, additions throughout the relationship, all of which help to keep it alive and growth orientated....in other words, for many there is no set period of training which is the end of it, it continues to live and grow and keep things interesting to say the least. Most important IMO is communication so you both know what it is you envision, and what you both feel capable of and comfortable with, and how you feel it is progressing. Have fun exploring.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

My questions: How important is it to "train" a sub? Is it necessary to do so? Or is "training" more of a scene that you play out?

Personal preference, really. I "train" a sub because I enjoy it, and enjoy the results. That's really what counts.

If you are a Dom/me, what sort of regimen does training entail?

I don't have a submissive at the moment -- so this is from past experience.

For me, I like my submissives to be the "slutty" variety. Not so much focussed on service as on sex. Sure, I like a submissive serving me, but I also like to know that it's driving her crazy sexually by doing so.

So, I concentrate on emphasising that. I give her an exercise to write a daily journal of all of her sexual thoughts during the day, to help track down what things in particular make her horny.

I require that she have a certain number of orgasms each day, or as a variation, that she play with herself say every hour during a day, but with no permission to cum.

I specify the number of days during the week when she may or may not wear underwear.

I may require her to tell me each time I say something that turns her on ("oooh, Sir, that makes me a horny slut!")

But the most fun has been training a woman to cum on command!

I guess the problem we're having is that when my gf is in one of her sub phases, she'll do pretty much anything I want or tell her to do without being "trained"--and so it doesn't seem to be all that necessary.

That's excellent. Training can be additional things for her to do to remind her of her submissiveness, or to emphasise things you enjoy -- like training her to cum on command, or training her to deepthroat, or training her to accept more pain, or training her to take fisting... or whatever takes your fancy.

You may find you want to extend the period of time she is in her "sub phase" as well, and training regimes can be good for that too.

So... it all comes back to your personal preference.

 

[NCShin]

While I am a fairly inexperienced dom, I have done a bit of "training" with my current partner.

I found it to be quite easy. I think mostly because it was something that she wanted, and was willing to practice.

With an ex we also did some orgasm control. While I wasn't able to get her to the point where she was able to "cum on command" we did get to within a few seconds with stimulation. It was fun to try if nothing else.

I think it is important if you both want it. I don't think it's something needed.

 

[Arles]

Firstly, welcome to the board...hope you enjoy it as much as we do. I'm with s'lara on this. While learning about yourself and each other is vital, training is another aspect altogether and not limited to the experienced. IMO it is an integral part of the D/s relationship, part of discovering and setting the guidelines of expected behaviour and rules by which it will progress. Training is not done with the mindset of creating the perfect submissive as perfection is subjective, and not entirely the goal. Pleasing and showing a willingness to try at all times to reach the Dominant's ideal of perfection is more realistic.

It is also for many true that training can change and evolve over time. What might fit this year. might not necessarily be how you want things done next year or in 5 years time. There can be changes, adjustments, additions throughout the relationship, all of which help to keep it alive and growth orientated....in other words, for many there is no set period of training which is the end of it, it continues to live and grow and keep things interesting to say the least. Most important IMO is communication so you both know what it is you envision, and what you both feel capable of and comfortable with, and how you feel it is progressing. Have fun exploring.

Catalina

Thank you for these thoughts, Catalina. At this point, with both of us being pretty new at it, we are taking it slowly and talking quite a lot as we try to figure out limits, guidelines, rules and what sort of relationship we want it to be.

My feeling is that she is primarily a sexual submissive--or at least that is where we are now. She is younger than I am and so has far less experience. The thought of having a 'teacher' really turns her on, one who controls her and uses her for his pleasure. And so, I guess, in a sense there has been some training, since I've introduced her to things she has never done and taught her how to do them.

 

[Arles]

Re: Re: Questions about "training"

For me, I like my submissives to be the "slutty" variety. Not so much focussed on service as on sex. Sure, I like a submissive serving me, but I also like to know that it's driving her crazy sexually by doing so.

So, I concentrate on emphasising that. I give her an exercise to write a daily journal of all of her sexual thoughts during the day, to help track down what things in particular make her horny.

I require that she have a certain number of orgasms each day, or as a variation, that she play with herself say every hour during a day, but with no permission to cum.

I specify the number of days during the week when she may or may not wear underwear.

I may require her to tell me each time I say something that turns her on ("oooh, Sir, that makes me a horny slut!")

But the most fun has been training a woman to cum on command!

Your replies to my questions are always helpful, Fungi--thanks again!

As I said to catalina, right now, we're both more interested in the sexual side of it rather than her serving me or my taking control in other areas. We have talked about that a lot, and being sexually dominated and controlled is what she is most interested in. She wants me to make her my slut, basically. And I've been teaching her how to do the things I want, so i guess I've been training her without realizing it.

 

[Bandit58]

~snip~

My feeling is that she is primarily a sexual submissive--or at least that is where we are now. She is younger than I am and so has far less experience. The thought of having a 'teacher' really turns her on, one who controls her and uses her for his pleasure. And so, I guess, in a sense there has been some training, since I've introduced her to things she has never done and taught her how to do them.

Ours too is primarily a sexual D/s relationship, although I do serve as His carer because of His poor health.

I am younger than Master by 6 years, and was in a 23 year 'nilla marriage which basically consisted of missionary and little else. In the 2 years since that marriage ended I have been exploring, and since I have been living with Master (4 months now) He has been my 'teacher'. Scening has been limited because of His health, but I am being trained how to deep throat (in various positions), my ass is being trained to accept His cock and fingers, and He has taught me to ejaculate which I didn't think I could ever do.

Apart from the physical, I also think training encompasses learning how to trust......if I didn't trust Master implicitly I wouldn't be able to relax and open myself up to learning. That 'nilla marriage was an emotionally abusive one. The love and trust Master and I have is a daily source of wonder to me. He makes me feel things I didn't think I was capable of......for instance I wasn't too sure I would enjoy being spanked, but when He does it I'm just in awe of the responses my body goes through In fact sometimes He doesn't do it, just to tease me