Questions about sex life

[1HoTmAmA]

My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years now. While we were dating we had an AWESOME sex life. Enter 4 kids and pregnancies into the equation and things have gone downhill. When I am pregnant I can't get enough sex......call him home for lunch, have sex 3-5 times a day, etc. but when I am not pregnant I just could care less about it. I actually fell asleep last night during sex and the night before apparently participated but don't remember sex. He is SOOOOOO upset with me this AM (and within reason) and says it hurt his feelings because I was attempting but fell asleep during.

He has gained A LOT of weight over the last 8 years.....60 lbs or more.....and while I have had 4 kids I am only 15 lbs over the weight I was when we got married. I work hard to stay in shape whereas he just lets himself go. I love him very much and I don't want him to be hurt by my actions.

So, my questions are:

How do you actively engage in sex when you aren't physically attracted to someone anymore? How do you initiate sex with your spouse or signifigant other? How do you seperate yourself from the mommy role to the wife role quickly?

Also, I don't want people feeling sorry for him so I need to clarify that we have sex atleast 2-3 times a week.....sometimes more.....but I am just not into it right now and it is more of a sympathy sex that the mind blowing sex we had while dating! HELP ME save my marriage!

 

[Volito]

There are alot of answers to this scenario. One of the problems sounds like you are not sexually attracted to him. This is probably because of his weight issue. This same over weight issue will cause his sexual stamina and performance to suffer as well.

Spice up your love life. Role play, introduce toys, take a romantic evening away together or a weekend. If your up to it maybe consider a 3-some or something.

Just a couple of ideas I thought I would throw out. Let us all know how it works out.

 

[SweetErika]

My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years now. While we were dating we had an AWESOME sex life. Enter 4 kids and pregnancies into the equation and things have gone downhill. When I am pregnant I can't get enough sex......call him home for lunch, have sex 3-5 times a day, etc. but when I am not pregnant I just could care less about it. I actually fell asleep last night during sex and the night before apparently participated but don't remember sex. He is SOOOOOO upset with me this AM (and within reason) and says it hurt his feelings because I was attempting but fell asleep during.

He has gained A LOT of weight over the last 8 years.....60 lbs or more.....and while I have had 4 kids I am only 15 lbs over the weight I was when we got married. I work hard to stay in shape whereas he just lets himself go. I love him very much and I don't want him to be hurt by my actions.

So, my questions are:

How do you actively engage in sex when you aren't physically attracted to someone anymore?

I think that's a pretty tall order. You may have to look and find something you're attracted to, even if it's personality-based or just a little physical feature (like eyes, maybe?). I'm assuming a large part of the attraction is due to the weight gain? Is there any way you can gently get him and maybe the whole family into a better diet and exercise? Is he concerned about the weight at all?

How are you doing outside of the bedroom (or even inside) in terms of romance and keeping things exciting?

How do you initiate sex with your spouse or signifigant other?

I usually just start touching and kissing him, though sometimes I'll be blunt and say, "I'm horny," or, "I want you," or, "Let's go to bed."

How do you seperate yourself from the mommy role to the wife role quickly?

I'm not a mommy yet, but I usually switch gears fairly naturally, or I'll hop in the shower or do something physical like that. I don't know how well planning sex would work for you, but we're more quality people, so we'll often set aside the time earlier in the day or even a day before so we can schedule other things accordingly.

I'd also agree that maybe some toys or anything that brings a change of pace might help get the spark back.

 

[kitedemon]

IMHO:
Some good advice from previous posters but I am wondering where hubby is in all of this. He has just as much responsibility for a mutually satisfying relationship as you do.

The three rules for a successful business are: Location, location, and location.
The three rules for a successful relationship are: Communicate, communicate, and communicate.

Good luck.

 

[intruder52]

First I am male so take what I say from that prespective. I have been married to my wife for 28 years and we have known each other for more than 30 years. We have two twenty something children that no longer live at home. We have been through what you are going through now several times in our married life and it was stressful for one or the other or both.

I too gained more than one hundren pounds over 25 of our marriage. Worked 60-100 hours per week providing for my family. During those years our sex life suffered at times. But we communicated, loved each other and had sex when we could. Sometimes it was great, not often, sometimes just to satisfy the need in the other. Sometimes I would fall asleep, not pretty.

Since the children moved out I have lost almost 100 pounds and I am going for my old fighting weight, not to please my wife but to please myself. My wife never complained about my weight nor did I of her when she put on some extra pounds, we still loved each other. You did not marry him because of his weight you married him because of him.

Are sex life is now almost as good as when we first met in our early twenties. I don't work more than 35 hours per week. I wish I could give you something to make your sex life better, but I thought I would share how things worked out for us. Best of luck to you. I say hang in there, there will be better times.

 

[TBKahuna123]

You had me at "He is SOOOOOO upset with me this AM (and within reason) and says it hurt his feelings because I was attempting but fell asleep during." Sounds to me like you have a problem that you are trying to fix, but you aren't trying to pin it all on him. That's classy, IMO.

How do you actively engage in sex when you aren't physically attracted to someone anymore?

So the problem is that you're not attracted to him because he's 60 pounds heavier, but you want to be? That sounds to my like you have a problem with his weight, but you still love him. Am I correct?

Well this is really two different issues, I think. As Erika said, you need to find something about him that you are attracted to. I'll spin it: What is it about him that you love? Attraction and arousal between a couple that's been married for 8 years needs to be about more than physical characteristics to be successful. Unless you are a work out demon your body is going to deteriorate over the years as age and gravity take their toll. At the same time, your love for each other, meaning intellectually and spiritually, should start to grow. You CAN take that spiritual, intellectual and emotional connection and turn it into a sensual attraction. Not as hard to do as one might think.

You also need to be careful about bugging him about his weight, but a little encouragement doesn't hurt either. There are lots of health reasons to shed those extra pounds other than just appearance. Hell, I guess I wish my wife would bug me, now that I think about it.

How do you initiate sex with your spouse or signifigant other?

Ahhh this is easy: Just ask! I don't know about other gusy, but I think it's really hot when my wife comes on to me. Of course some guys find it a bit disconcerting, but that's because we have big egos and want to be in control. Talk to him about it. Discuss your feelings. Let him know that you'll ask when you want it, but not to freak out on ya. And don't worry about him having a negative reaction to this conversation.Better a negative reaction in this kind of conversation than being rebuffed in the heat of the moment.

How do you seperate yourself from the mommy role to the wife role quickly?

Paging Eilan! Paging Eilan! Pink courtesy phone please!

Here I have no point of reference, though I think a mother who can be tender to her children one minute, then sensual and sexy is an incredible thing. Eilan's our resident sexy mommy advice giver, so I'll let her take it from here. I'm sure she'll have some good information.

Also, I don't want people feeling sorry for him so I need to clarify that we have sex atleast 2-3 times a week.....sometimes more.....but I am just not into it right now and it is more of a sympathy sex that the mind blowing sex we had while dating!

Sorry but this happens. 8 years? Yeah that's about right, maybe even a little longer. You guys need to talk about it, talk about what you can do to explore your feelings and make your sex life better. This could be anything: fantasies, roleplay, toys, new techniques, heck pick up a copy of the Kama Sutra or something. Just the very act of communicating and exploring will increase the level of intimacy, and that I think will make you feel more into it. Intimacy is different than positive physical response, and I think when you reach a certain level in a long term relationship, you need that intimacy to get past the fact that you've been with the same person for so long. And as a naysayer I'll throw out that bringing other partners into the mix will not help, it will probably make things worse. You need a good solid relationship to endure that kind of added pressure and trying this to make a rough relationship better can be disasterous.

When I am pregnant I can't get enough sex......call him home for lunch, have sex 3-5 times a day, etc. but when I am not pregnant I just could care less about it.

Sounds to me like mommy's hormones are wacked out and she's tired from chasing 4 kids alll day. I'm not kidding, I'm totally serious. A woman's hormones absolutely affect her sex drive and desire, heck even her ability to orgasm, and pregnancy definitely affects a woman's hormone levels! I would be there's more going on here than just the physical attraction and weight issue. You said you aren't into it, but do you still get aroused? Do you still masturbate frequently? That right there can be pretty telling.

I think you're on the right track and you obviously have a desire to fix things. Personally, I'd start by buying him some flowers. Sounds corney, but If I fell asleep during sex I'd buy my wife some flowers (and probably a new car) to make up for it and tell her I was sorry. I'm not saying you should be ashamed of yourself for doing it, I just think if you do this, you can make light of the situation. It will also open a perfect door to sit down with him and have an honest, open discussion about the issue. Turn it into a positive!

One last thing...don't tell him you aren't attracted to him, at least not like that. You have to be a politician and spin it. Say something like you aren't as easily aroused, or you need something more to get you aroused lately. If he asks that flat out question, answer him honestly, but be careful how you word it to try to maintain his self-esteem. And if it comes up, be prepared for him to get defensive, it's a natural reaction. Just work through it and don't get angry back. If you do you start saying things in anger and it all goes to hell quick. Just make sure that whatever is discussed is discussed with love.

 

[misspatiant]

No wonder your not interested, your prob knackered with all those kids! Get him on lit and try and spice things up a bit

 

[BTK51]

Sorry This Is So Long

I’ll give you some thoughts from the male perspective:

First of all I think that what you are going through is perfectly normal. At least it is if my wife and I are normal. Sexual desire and frequency has risen and fallen from time-to-time over the years and still happens today. Kids definitely affect that libido too. We had three of them.

We experienced the same thing when she was pregnant (8 times). I just wrote it off to the fact that there was no fear of her getting pregnant so we could relax and enjoy it more. We always wanted kids so it wasn’t a huge phobia but I do think that it affected our sexual desires when she was not pregnant. We actively tried for our youngest and I distinctly remember how our libidos rose during that time. It returned to that level when I had a vasectomy 2 years after his birth.

Quote:
How do you actively engage in sex when you aren't physically attracted to someone anymore? How do you actively engage in sex when you aren't physically attracted to someone anymore?
As for not being attracted, I can’t address that because I am still very attracted to my wife physically. Sure there are a few extra pounds and the breasts aren’t as pert and firm as they used to be, but she is a beautiful woman who still has a great ass and legs … and she’s 54. I’m not exaggerating either – they are GREAT and not just for a 54-year old. Fantasizing or focusing in on what is still attractive might help.

Quote:
How do you initiate sex with your spouse or significant other?
I learned that initiating sex after a few years of marriage and kids took a little more effort as time went on. A combination of a pinch here, a squeeze there, a goose when the kids weren’t looking, a quickie fondle, a kiss and even a 15 second massage a few times during the day and evening usually did the trick. Sometimes it took persistence. This works for her and for me.

Quote:
How do you separate yourself from the mommy role to the wife role quickly?
From discussions with my wife making the transition from mommy to sexy lover also took some effort. My wife was a stay-at-home mother through most of our marriage. From time-to-time, she would feed the kids early, get them settled down and let them know that this was Mom & Dad’s night so leave us alone. When they were very young, she put them to bed early. By the time they were teenagers, they knew the drill and left us alone.

My wife would take a bath, get dressed up sexy and meet me at the door dressed-to-kill. She told me that pampering herself, and getting dressed to make my eyes pop helped her to easily make the transition. The table was set in the dining room with china, flowers, candles and crystal. We usually had a nice romantic dinner but I will admit that on occasion dinner was delayed while we went upstairs to take care of more immediate needs. For a quickie conversion, redoing her makeup and hair, changing her clothes and putting on perfume works too.

Not being a total dummy, when I wanted to have her transition what I would do is lay out her sexy lingerie, dress heels etc, fill up the bathtub and pour her a glass of wine. Then I would tell her to lie in the tub and get ready while I made dinner. Mommy went upstairs and sexy lover came down. When she felt sexy, she was sexy.

This worked for us but I think that you need to figure out what works for you two. Communication is obviously the key to figuring out just what that is. That communication can also be an aphrodisiac, especially when combined with fantasy and role play.

Quote:
.....but I am just not into it right now and it is more of a sympathy sex that the mind blowing sex we had while dating! HELP ME save my marriage!
Being realistic would help. When we were married a few years (like about 7-8 years), I always wondered what happened to that mind-blowing sex that I had when I was dating. Now, I wonder what happened to the mind-blowing sex that we had after we were married 7-8 years.

It took me (and my wife) quite a while to realize and appreciate what we have and that that was then and this is now. We didn’t live together before getting married so when we were together, we had to take advantage of the opportunity and strike while the iron is hot so-to-speak. After we were married we had to continually work together to make new mind-blowing sex - still have to. Today, we accept the fact that now we need more foreplay, and stuff like Viagra and lube that we didn’t use as extensively in the past. Porn helps too. There’s always something new and figuring out how to make it work for us is a lot of fun.

It’s a journey and the scenery changes. Sometimes it appears to get worse and then all of a sudden it gets better. Enjoy the journey, never stop trying, don’t get disillusioned and the rest will take care of itself.

 

[1HoTmAmA]

Thanks everyone for the replies! I really appreciate all of the advice, especially about taking a bath and getting dressed up to transition from mommy to lover!

Also, to clarify a few things.....I love my husband VERY much! I am more and more everyday! He is a great man who provides for my family. I think he is sexy in his own ways (gentle, romantic, thoughtful, etc) but PHYSICALLY it is hard to get turned on by looking at him ya know?

As far as getting him to lose weight, we are working on it. I started cooking better and stopped sending him for dinner on his way home. He gained more and more weight will all of my pregnancies and just never lost it in between like I did! He says it is the male genetics!

I hope I get more replies so that I can get more ideas! So far I have gotten some pretty good advice! Thanks so much!

 

[Eilan]

My husband and I have four children aged seven and under, so I know that trying to make time for each other is difficult even under the best of circumstances.

I don't know how feasible this is with your schedules, but I'd suggest trying to exercise together. It can just be a matter of taking a walk or something, if you can get away without the kids. Or take them with you; that way everyone gets a little exercise.

 

[chris9]

Falling asleep during sex is bad. But it's also human. I know sometimes I am on the brink of falling asleep, because when my bf starts petting and touching and kissing I relax. And if I had a strenuous day or short night before or something, I could go to sleep. When I get too tired I tell him that he continues on his own risk as I'm about to fall asleep. So far he either stopped or managed to keep me awake
And with 4 children, maybe not yet able to sleep the whole night, taking care of those children the whole day, falling asleep is perfectly natural.

Now, you didn't say whether you stay at home with your children or work outside the house, too. I'm assuming the first, because, wow, four small children are just a LOT of work. I don't have children, but I study, and do so at home as opposed to university. That means I'm basically sitting at home at my desk almost the whole day. In the evening I don't feel sexy. My mind is full of law, and that's not sexual at all. A short walk, preferably with him, or reading something else, in another room of the apartment, helps. If he sees me as sexy and shows it (like fondling my breast quickly, kissing my earlobe) over the evening, that also helps me feeling sexy.

 

[triple_g]

I know it's not politically correct and I expect to get flamed for this....

We enter marriage with certain understandings. Fidelity, put the toilet seat down, don't gamble away the retirement savings... y'know, things like that. And we all age, sure. For better or for worse.

But to gain so much weight and not expect it to affect your attraction for him is simply unreasonable. He is disrespecting himself, you and your marriage by not taking care of himself. So far, everyone seems to be giving you ideas to "cope" with his weight gain. I say put your foot down!

We men tell horror stories about marrying women who, the minute we say "I do", start pigging out and gaining weight. It's a bait and switch and patently unfair. It holds no less true for women. Equality is a two way street.

I'd tell him he needs to work out whatever issues he's dealing with and get his fat ass to the gym. Tell him you'll be 100% supportive, exercise with him, etc... but that you didn't say "I do" to this.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I know it's not politically correct and I expect to get flamed for this....

We enter marriage with certain understandings. Fidelity, put the toilet seat down, don't gamble away the retirement savings... y'know, things like that. And we all age, sure. For better or for worse.

But to gain so much weight and not expect it to affect your attraction for him is simply unreasonable. He is disrespecting himself, you and your marriage by not taking care of himself. So far, everyone seems to be giving you ideas to "cope" with his weight gain. I say put your foot down!

We men tell horror stories about marrying women who, the minute we say "I do", start pigging out and gaining weight. It's a bait and switch and patently unfair. It holds no less true for women. Equality is a two way street.

I'd tell him he needs to work out whatever issues he's dealing with and get his fat ass to the gym. Tell him you'll be 100% supportive, exercise with him, etc... but that you didn't say "I do" to this.

I suppose the tough love approach might work, but I doubt it. It's likely to just cause a lot of hurt and bad feelings that might put the whole marriage in jeopardy because he will start questioning her love and appreciation for him as a husband. None of us are perfect, and we all have things about ourselves we should work to improve, but "Get your fat ass to a gym" is hardly the way to encourage him. It's mean and it's rude.

 

[triple_g]

I suppose the tough love approach might work, but I doubt it. It's likely to just cause a lot of hurt and bad feelings that might put the whole marriage in jeopardy because he will start questioning her love and appreciation for him as a husband. None of us are perfect, and we all have things about ourselves we should work to improve, but "Get your fat ass to a gym" is hardly the way to encourage him. It's mean and it's rude.

Yes, the actual words used could probably be a bit more... um... diplomatic!

But the gist of my opinion is that she has the right to feel that way. He may feel he has every right to let himself go.. and it is his body after all. But she has the same right to her sexual integrity. She shouldn't have to pretend or fake it or whatever and put up with it. It's called differentiation. His choices don't remove hers. I fully believe she should honestly and gently tell him that he doesn't do it for her anymore and if he wants sexual response from her that he.... "better get his fat ass to the gym!" (Or something like that.)

 

[Eilan]

So far, everyone seems to be giving you ideas to "cope" with his weight gain.

In paragraph #2 of my other post, I said otherwise.

We men tell horror stories about marrying women who, the minute we say "I do", start pigging out and gaining weight. It's a bait and switch and patently unfair. It holds no less true for women. Equality is a two way street.

Maybe I'm just naive, but do you really think that it's that simple? Do you really think that people (men and women) go into marriage thinking, "Ok, I have my life partner. Now I'm gonna camp out in front of the fridge and gain 100 pounds"?

I'm pretty lucky. I've never had a weight problem, though I worry about it because my mom and my grandmothers are overweight. My body isn't 100% perfect, but I've had four children in 5 1/2 years and I'm still within 15 pounds of what I weighed in high school. It's a struggle, though. Even though I don't currently work outside the home, I have a hell of a time between my kids' activities and running our household to fit in "me time" for anything, including workouts.

Similarly, my husband recently retired from a job in which weight/fitness standards were imposed, and while he's not technically overweight, he was, at his retirement, overweight by his employer's standards. He often sacrificed working out (until he had to "make weight") because he thought that the time with our girls and me was better spent.

My point is that while it's certainly important to take care of one's body, both from a health and sexual attractiveness standpoint, it can be difficult to do sometimes because, as trite as it sounds, life can get in the way. There's no doubt that some people handle it better than others.

if he wants sexual response from her that he.... "better get his fat ass to the gym!" (Or something like that.)

This sounds a bit like using sex as a weapon, which neither men nor women should do. 1HoTmAmA's husband likely doesn't need someone to tell him that he's overweight. Nagging him about it doesn't necessarily solve the problem.

It is a two-way street, though. 1HoTmAmA needs to make sure that she's not (unintentionally) sabotaging his efforts to lose weight, which means, as she said, that having him stop on the way home to pick up dinner is out. Healthy diet and exercise habits would benefit the whole family.

 

[phoenix1224]

What if the roles were reversed? Could you imagine your husband telling you one day, "Honey, I still love you, BUT... I'm sexually unattracted to you,"?

How would YOU feel?

If his weight gain really bothers you that much, you're going to have to be EXTREMELY tactfull in your approach to get him to lose weight... I would suggest that you tell him that YOUR thinking about getting a gym membership to lose the little bit of "baby fat" that you've gained and that you would like to have him be your "work-out buddy" to help keep you motivated.

I know that's a lie... But it's no different than when a woman asks, "Do these pants make my ass look fat?"... If a guy tells the truth, he's going to have one hurt and pissed off woman on his hands.

 

[tempsbrat]

I have been through this myself. I have 4 children, and was exhausted. One thing you didn't mention was if you have had your thyroid checked to make sure you are ok, and also some bloodwork to see if you have enough iron in your system.

The same goes for him. Men are notorious for not getting check ups and making sure they are ok. Even a slightly diminished thyroid can leave you feeling like crap and have zero energy.

If your kids stay up later, I'd concider tighter sleep schedules. Schedules are very important for children and getting them to bed early will help. Also, playing the part of seductrice can be a lot of fun. So, dress up, flirt with him and leave him notes about what you want to do to him. Likewise, planning active family ventures will help as well. Go hiking, bike riding, take walks together. If you do it for 30 days it will become a habit as long as it can be viewed as fun and not boot camp.

I have to force myself as once one is out of the habit it has to be relearned.

Maybe I will ask my Mistress to make it a rule for me and keep after me about it in a way that will encourage me and as I see the rewards, I will be happier too.

 

[Eilan]

Paging Eilan! Paging Eilan! Pink courtesy phone please!

Here I have no point of reference, though I think a mother who can be tender to her children one minute, then sensual and sexy is an incredible thing. Eilan's our resident sexy mommy advice giver, so I'll let her take it from here. I'm sure she'll have some good information.

I didn't even notice this the first time I was in this thread.

I'm not really sure if I have anything to add to what everyone else has already said. For me, at least, making the switch is much easier on some days than it is on others. It just depends on what's going on at any given time. On Tuesday, for example, I was volunteering all day at my kids' school and then we had two soccer games that evening. That night I went straight from mommy mode to blob mode!

I've been really lucky, though. When my kids were babies, they all slept through the night by the time they were 2-3 months old; I've also never had any major nighttime issues (other than occasional illnesses) with them.

 

[triple_g]

I didn't even notice this the first time I was in this thread.

I'm not really sure if I have anything to add to what everyone else has already said. For me, at least, making the switch is much easier on some days than it is on others. It just depends on what's going on at any given time. On Tuesday, for example, I was volunteering all day at my kids' school and then we had two soccer games that evening. That night I went straight from mommy mode to blob mode!

I've been really lucky, though. When my kids were babies, they all slept through the night by the time they were 2-3 months old; I've also never had any major nighttime issues (other than occasional illnesses) with them.

So instead of being honest with him she should lie? Now there's a recipe for a successful marriage. Good advice. But I do like the idea about making it a family effort. My point isn't that it's pure laziness on his part, or that his nefarious plan was to gain weight, but that she should have to sell herself short for him just to spare his feelings. Women have been doing that for centuries and it sucks.

p.s. I'm thrilled to get under your skin so much you've added a quote from me to your signature. I'm traveling for a couple days... I know you'll miss me!

 

[triple_g]

My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years now. While we were dating we had an AWESOME sex life. Enter 4 kids and pregnancies into the equation and things have gone downhill. When I am pregnant I can't get enough sex......call him home for lunch, have sex 3-5 times a day, etc. but when I am not pregnant I just could care less about it. I actually fell asleep last night during sex and the night before apparently participated but don't remember sex. He is SOOOOOO upset with me this AM (and within reason) and says it hurt his feelings because I was attempting but fell asleep during.

He has gained A LOT of weight over the last 8 years.....60 lbs or more.....and while I have had 4 kids I am only 15 lbs over the weight I was when we got married. I work hard to stay in shape whereas he just lets himself go. I love him very much and I don't want him to be hurt by my actions.

So, my questions are:

How do you actively engage in sex when you aren't physically attracted to someone anymore? How do you initiate sex with your spouse or signifigant other? How do you seperate yourself from the mommy role to the wife role quickly?

Also, I don't want people feeling sorry for him so I need to clarify that we have sex atleast 2-3 times a week.....sometimes more.....but I am just not into it right now and it is more of a sympathy sex that the mind blowing sex we had while dating! HELP ME save my marriage!

Oh, and 1Hot? I think somebody may have mentioned this already, but if there's a health issue involved with his weight gain then that's a whole 'nother ball 'o wax. (And I'd respond differently.) Whoever it was... I don't remember... men do hate going to the doctor and he may be as frustrated as you with his weight.

Everyone posts from their own life perspective - from their own experiences. I'm healthy, work too hard, don't exercise enough and carry an extra 20 lbs. So that's the tinted glasses through which I viewed your problem. Others have different experiences which may be more applicable.

p.s. I just read an article in the Sunday paper about a study proving that men suffer from post-partem depression. 4 kids in 8 years? The possibility...

 

[Eilan]

So instead of being honest with him she should lie?

I'm gonna challenge you to point to ANY part of ANY post that I made on this thread in which I told the thread starter to lie to her husband. And you have the nerve to question my reading comprehension skills.

p.s. I'm thrilled to get under your skin so much you've added a quote from me to your signature. I'm traveling for a couple days... I know you'll miss me!

Aww, don't pat yourself on the back just yet, hon. You're not under my skin. Quite the opposite, actually. I'm just having a few laughs at your expense; fortunately, for you, I'm easily bored.

 

[h_i_s]

My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years now. While we were dating we had an AWESOME sex life. Enter 4 kids and pregnancies into the equation and things have gone downhill. When I am pregnant I can't get enough sex......call him home for lunch, have sex 3-5 times a day, etc. but when I am not pregnant I just could care less about it. I actually fell asleep last night during sex and the night before apparently participated but don't remember sex. He is SOOOOOO upset with me this AM (and within reason) and says it hurt his feelings because I was attempting but fell asleep during.

He has gained A LOT of weight over the last 8 years.....60 lbs or more.....and while I have had 4 kids I am only 15 lbs over the weight I was when we got married. I work hard to stay in shape whereas he just lets himself go. I love him very much and I don't want him to be hurt by my actions.

So, my questions are:

How do you actively engage in sex when you aren't physically attracted to someone anymore? How do you initiate sex with your spouse or signifigant other? How do you seperate yourself from the mommy role to the wife role quickly?

Also, I don't want people feeling sorry for him so I need to clarify that we have sex atleast 2-3 times a week.....sometimes more.....but I am just not into it right now and it is more of a sympathy sex that the mind blowing sex we had while dating! HELP ME save my marriage!

Wow ... your post sounds very much like what was the beginning of the end of the relationship i had with my 'ex'.

i don't know the answer how to actually be 'into' sex when not physically attracted to someone. Perhaps you can both join a gym? Work on getting in better shape together? i know though, it may not be easy to find time for that when you have kids.

Sounds like you need some rest, and you BOTH need to set some adult time aside, minus the kids ... a time where mom & dad get to be nothing more or less than husband and wife. Maybe you can put the kids with a sitter regularly, perhaps one night per month? Take that night, turn off the TV, take a hot bubble bath or shower together ... share a nice meal (or cold cuts and cheeses and fruits on the bed side table to share after the bath/shower).
Towel dry each other off ... light some candles, and pop some CDs into the player. Massage each other with oils ... and talk .... talk ... talk. Talk about the days before children, and what attracted you to each other ..... Talk about the first time you both met .... first date ... your wedding day ... etc ect. Try and not forget WHAT it was that made you both fall in love.

The most powerful and responsive sexual organ of the human body is the BRAIN. -author unknown

And when that evening is over ......
Remember to offer each other simple exchanges, and reminders of that love. So many times we are caught up with the every day living, the kids, work, household chores ...... sometimes during all of that we can lose touch with our identities of being two lovers, once we assume the roles of being a mom and a dad. Sometimes something as simple as holding hands in public, remembering to greet each other with a kiss and a hug, and sending each other off with a kiss and a hug, cooking the meals together, sharing the workload as parents rather than one spouse being the primary day to day caregiver to the kids 24/7. Parent TOGETHER. Share the responsibility equally.
Most important to any marriage with children ........ don't allow yourselves to forget that you are a husband and a wife who are in love.

P.S i cooked healthy meals for that 'ex' so as not to contribute to his issues with weight gain, and reminded him daily not to eat fast foods for lunch at work eat day, and offers to pack a healthier lunch for him every day to take with him. He didn't listen. Just a few months ago, and about 2 years after i left .... he had his first heart attack at age 39.

 

[Batman4ever71]

There deffianately have been some great suggestions made in this thread. I agree with most.

I believe you said that you haven't gianed much weight after the birth of your children, correct? Assuming that that assumption is correct; How did you go back or at least close to your original weight? My guess would be paying more attention to what you ate and exercising. There is a growing trend in this Country where there are DayCare facilities available on the premisis of a gym where you might join as a family. Even thoough there might not be a physical attraction coming from your end...if I know men, there is from his. Even if you have to give him false information, maybe try telling him that it turns you on to see him work so hard and work up a sweat? It might be lying, but at least it would be lying in order to serve a higher purpose. As his pounds shed, perhaps you will regain your attraction for him will come back. Who knows? Perhaps seeing him working out might just get you in the mood. After all, isn't the goal of the whole thing to get him to exercise and lose the weight? What better way of getting him motivated than to let him know that by working out...he's pleasing you!!!

Batman

P.S. If he continues to use the genetic thing. Look into it. Alot of people are genetically predispositioned to obesity. Someone, although I can't remember their name, posted that you should tell him to "get off his fat ass and get to the gym". This is more than likely NOT the approach to take. You'd only succeed in hurting him and making him depressed and most people eat when they're depressed. At any rate, good luck!!