Questions about "cyberdating"

[Nora]

For those of you who choose this route:

Do you tend to be honest with your partners? Open and aboveboard about all aspects of your lives? The types of things I'm curious about are telling your "cybergf/bf" about real life spouses, girlfriends/boyfriends, people you pick up in a bar and shag one night, etc?

Do you tell them about the other people on this and other boards whom you are "seeing"? (This one is spawned by this one skanky couple I know from another board. They profess their undying love openly on the board, yet they each have other partners to whom they profess their unwavering devotion to elsewhere online. )

When you tell your cyberscrew that you're dying to fly to their side and be with them, are you totally truthful or just saying what's appropriate/what they want to hear?

Are you open about your relationship with them on the board or do you tell them, "oh this is something special, just between us and not for public consumption."?

If you keep your relationship "secret," do you do this because you mean it or because you don't want the other x number of people to whom you're saying the exact same thing to find out?

**Disclaimer** And no, to make this perfectly clear, this is not about me. This is not a route I choose to take anymore having seen too many sleazy operators in my time on the 'Net.

This is also not about any specific couple since I actually know *several* here and elsewhere on the 'Net who fit some of the uh...more questionable questions. Just something I was pondering today at work, so if you think I'm talking about you and your online-SO, then you're wrong. I'm not. Dont' PM me about it or i'll get crankier than I already am.

Feel free to answer as unregistered if need be. Wouldn't wanna get anyone in trouble, afterall.

 

[Rubyfruit]

I try to be open and honest with everybody in my life, whether I've met them yet or not.

 

[Purrde Flower]

Do you tend to be honest with your partners?
Yes, but there is only one.

Open and aboveboard about all aspects of your lives? The types of things I'm curious about are telling your "cybergf/bf" about real life spouses, girlfriends/boyfriends, people you pick up in a bar and shag one night, etc?
Yes. but this isn't a problem for me. He knows about my ex. He knew when i was married. And everyhting that it entailed. He knew the day i left also.

Do you tell them about the other people on this and other boards whom you are "seeing"? (This one is spawned by this one skanky couple I know from another board. They profess their undying love openly on the board, yet they each have other partners to whom they profess their unwavering devotion to elsewhere online. )

Not a problem for me since this will not and has not occured

When you tell your cyberscrew that you're dying to fly to their side and be with them, are you totally truthful or just saying what's appropriate/what they want to hear?

Truth baby TRUTH!

Are you open about your relationship with them on the board or do you tell them, "oh this is something special, just between us and not for public consumption."?

The relationship isnt with anyone on lit. So this is not a problem.

If you keep your relationship "secret," do you do this because you mean it or because you don't want the other x number of people to whom you're saying the exact same thing to find out?


Not a secret. Just not common knowledge.

 

[tastygroove]

You may be putting a lot of people on the spot with this thread. They may be reluctant to answer for obvious reasons. Maybe you should break it down into smaller threads and ask specific questions to find the answers you're looking for. Just a thought.

 

[freakygirl]

I've never been involved in a "cyber relationship"

 

[Nora]

You may be putting a lot of people on the spot with this thread. They may be reluctant to answer for obvious reasons. Maybe you should break it down into smaller threads and ask specific questions to find the answers you're looking for. Just a thought.

For anyone who feels they can't answer honestly using their regular screen nick and who wants to answer, there's always the option to post unregistered.

Thanks Rubylovvy and Purrde. I appreciate your answers.

 

[MissTaken]

I am honest here and in real life.

I see no need to be otherwise.

edited to add that

since I don't "cyber date" more than one person at a time, I may chose not to disclose names or information about prior "friends or lovers."

However, anything I do say is the truth.

 

[celiaKitten]

I'll answer, since I've been on the dark and bright side of the cyberlove equation in the past year.

Most people have figured out that I'm in one of these wonderfully frustrating relationships. I'll try to relate my experiences/actions as best as I can .. though not in the order you asked.. sorry, PostalQueen

We did keep it secret - confined to our close friends - until we met, or at least when that meeting was imminant. We'd been through a lot, known each other online quite awhile .. but knew we couldn't possibly be sure about our feelings for the other until that meeting happened. Considering the dramas that happen on Lit, surrounding couples and lovers and their various problems .. we just decided this would be the best choice for us. There are other, more important problems to deal with. I'm pretty open on the board about how I'm feeling, and will let a minor detail or two slip. He isn't that open on the board. It's generally private. It isn't a big secret, in any case.

Openness and honesty - complete openness and honesty are essential if you want a relationship to last, to grow or be anything more than a farce .. online or in your everyday life. I made the mistake once of hiding, ducking topics and letting online=fantasyland. It didn't work. It wasn't real. Now that I've shared this open, honest relationship with my partner, I couldn't imagine being any other way. It's just so damn satisfying.

I always told him that someday I would meet him. I just did last weekend. It rocked

 

[Nora]

I've never been involved in a "cyber relationship"

*ahem*

For those of you who choose this route:

however, HI FREAKYHONEBUNNY! *huggers*

and thanks, MissT!

 

[tastygroove]

For anyone who feels they can't answer honestly using their regular screen nick and who wants to answer, there's always the option to post unregistered.

Thanks Rubylovvy and Purrde. I appreciate your answers.

Isn't there a tendancy to disregard unregistered posts?

 

[Purrde Flower]

Isn't there a tendancy to disregard unregistered posts?

Not if they are tastefuly done.

 

[Olivianna]

It seems that similar kinds of dishonesty creep into "real-life" relationships too. I guess it depends on the degree to which one is being honest and serious about the whole endeavor.

I'm in a relationship that, on some level, operates largely on a cyber level - we're long distance and don't talk on the phone every day. The same issues, I suppose, play into our situation - honesty, trust, "real life" - but the way I see it is that we're serious about "us" and trust one another.

Cyber-relationships can be like any other, and issues of trust, honesty, and openmindedness come into play. I can honestly say that I've been lied to more in non-long-distance/non-cyber relationships than in the cyber one which I am currently in.

 

[celiaKitten]

Isn't there a tendancy to disregard unregistered posts?

Not necessarily in this kind of thread. There are exceptions to most social stigmas .. and you can usually pick out the liars pretty easily.

 

[Purrde Flower]

For anyone who feels they can't answer honestly using their regular screen nick and who wants to answer, there's always the option to post unregistered.

Thanks Rubylovvy and Purrde. I appreciate your answers.

Np hun. I'm not ashamed to have a cyber type relationship. I plan on meeting this person hopefully at the beginning of the new year. We have known each other for a long time. We knew each other a long time before a cyber type relationship was even cinsidered. We are friends. I like it like that.

 

[freakygirl]

*ahem*



however, HI FREAKYHONEBUNNY! *huggers*

and thanks, MissT!

I know what it said.. I was umm.. giving out hints.

I lust after someone.. he knows it.. but *sigh* it's not happening.

 

[bknight2602]

People cyberdate? OMG Not here, shame on you people.

hehehe



Would you tell a non cyberdate the same information?
Dating here should be no different than anywhere else!

 

[MissTaken]

That is great news, celia!

 

[Calamity Jane]

I try to be open and honest with everybody in my life, whether I've met them yet or not.

Ditto.

 

[Nora]

I always told him that someday I would meet him. I just did last weekend. It rocked

Oh see? Now that is cool! I'm super happy for you!

I'm really not down on cyber-relationships in general, although I know I surely do come accross that way.

I like the happy stories. I just wish there were a hell of a lot more of those than the "omg that scumbag lied to me!" stories. Ya know?



Tasty, it's been my experience that when the topic is of an um...let's call it a "sensitive nature" that people grasp that the unreg's are doing it for a purpose.

Although frankly, I sincerely doubt than any of the cyber-sludge would have the cajones to post why they play the games with people that they do, so it's a moot point. We'll likely only hear from those who believe totally in honesty.

Which is sad, in a way, because I really do wanna hear why the liars lie and the players play (instead of filling in the blanks in my own mind with the worst possible case scenarios).

 

[celiaKitten]

That is great news, celia!

Hiya, MissT!

And yes, it's faboofantastic

 

[Nora]

Olivianna - really good points. I do know that people lie in rl situations as well, although I was mainly curious about the online versions here. I don't feel that cyberland is inherantly more full of liars and players than real life. We just happen to be in cyberland right now.


bk - you're a dork. I mean that in a nice way, of course.

Freaky - I lust after you, but *sigh* it's just not happening...

 

[tastygroove]

Not if they are tastefuly done.

I disagree. I've been on this site long enough to know that unregistered posts often go unnoticed, if nothing else unacknowledged. That discourages people from posting in that manner.

The ones that aren't discouraged are trolls, they don't seek acceptance. So to expect credible lit folks to post as unregistered is unrealistic.

 

[freakygirl]

You are such a tease, Nora.

 

[bknight2602]

Olivianna - really good points. I do know that people lie in rl situations as well, although I was mainly curious about the online versions here. I don't feel that cyberland is inherantly more full of liars and players than real life. We just happen to be in cyberland right now.


bk - you're a dork. I mean that in a nice way, of course.

Freaky - I lust after you, but *sigh* it's just not happening...

Somehow it didn't come across that way!

 

[celiaKitten]

Oh see? Now that is cool! I'm super happy for you!

I'm really not down on cyber-relationships in general, although I know I surely do come accross that way.

I like the happy stories. I just wish there were a hell of a lot more of those than the "omg that scumbag lied to me!" stories. Ya know?

<snip>

Which is sad, in a way, because I really do wanna hear why the liars lie and the players play (instead of filling in the blanks in my own mind with the worst possible case scenarios).

It didn't start out all that great. In the half-fantasy, half-real state our relationship was in in the beginning, I still flirted, dated others and wasn't completely honest with him. Bunches of shit happened and we stopped talking (ok .. I stopped talking )

Why did I do that?

I was scared of falling for someone I'd never laid eyes on. It's a bizarre feeling .. completely backward to get into someone's mind before you ever see them physically.

It wasn't a defined relationship .. at least explicitly. But, we were both jealous as hell if the other one flirted. Eventually, I just stopped talking to him about it. And, things fell apart.

It didn't feel real. It never felt really, truly real until I realized that I'd hurt him by disappearing, and hurt myself as well.

Somehow, months later, we sorted it all out .. learned a lot.