Question

[Brandii]

I was told "there is a big difference between being a man's 'girlfriend' and being his 'sub.""There seems to be a great deal of respect and love between the Doms and their subs on this site. What then is the difference between the two separate relationships? Wouldn't the female feel as secure in one as in the other.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Well, the biggest difference between boyfriend/girlfriend and Dom/sub is that in Dom sub there is a power dynamic where one is in Control while the other is controlled.

 

[trisquel_astur]

I agree with MP, and I wanna add someting (half seriously, half joking)...
The main thing for a sub is to please her Dom. For a girlfriend... is marry him.
The main thing for a Dom is to care his sub. For a boyfriend... is f... her.

 

[myinnerslut]

there doesnt HAVE to be that big of a difference.

in my case, my Dom is my boyfriend. or, my boyfriend is my Dom

they dont have to be mutually exclusive

they can be

but they dont have to

 

[FurryFury]

In my case, it increased communication with my husband about so many things. It also increased trust significantly and made us tighter as a couple. I wouldn't have thought anything could increase those three things for us or that we needed any changes at all but we are benefiting and are even better now. That makes me very happy.

Fury

 

[subtleone]

I'd agree with all the above answers and would like to reiterate Fury's, as a couple we had a good relationship but since adding the Ds side of it we communicate a lot more and also are much, much closer (who knew that was possible). ?
And it's amazing once you decide what is important in your relationship how easy it all becomes ie: His pleasure gives me pleasure, I know what pleasures him because he tells me, deed done everyone happy. Wheras before it was always...is he tired?, what does he want?, does he desire me? blah, blah, blah!!!

 

[SirFace]

I'd agree with all the above answers and would like to reiterate Fury's, as a couple we had a good relationship but since adding the Ds side of it we communicate a lot more and also are much, much closer (who knew that was possible). ?
And it's amazing once you decide what is important in your relationship how easy it all becomes ie: His pleasure gives me pleasure, I know what pleasures him because he tells me, deed done everyone happy. Wheras before it was always...is he tired?, what does he want?, does he desire me? blah, blah, blah!!!

Hmm, I like this answer. I think it will help me and us. We havent been communicating enough lately. Its too easy to fall into old habits and negative behavior.

 

[Chicklet]

there doesnt HAVE to be that big of a difference.

in my case, my Dom is my boyfriend. or, my boyfriend is my Dom

they dont have to be mutually exclusive

they can be

but they dont have to

this is the way my relationships work, as well.

i want my boyfriend to be my dom, my dom be my boyfriend. i don't want just one or the other.

 

[Etoile]

I guess the question is about whether a sub/slave can also be a lover/partner. I'd have to say yes.

 

[Rubnesque]

I was told "there is a big difference between being a man's 'girlfriend' and being his 'sub.""There seems to be a great deal of respect and love between the Doms and their subs on this site. What then is the difference between the two separate relationships? Wouldn't the female feel as secure in one as in the other.

It really depends on the situation I think.

I was a sub for a Master who was not my boyfriend, though we were both dating other people. My second Master was my boyfriend. Both treated me equally (affectionately and respectfully) though I only fucked one and not the other.

I don't think there is necessarily a difference except for maybe the level of control. As a boyfriend, your man might control certain aspects of the relationship, but for the most part it's compromise. With a Master as your boyfriend ... there is no such thing. He controls all aspects and you love it

 

[Brandii]

Thanks for the feedback guys. To date I have been neither a girlfriend or a sub but I have the in-built yearning to be both to someone, sometime and you'd be amazed at the men who find me 'interesting' right now. I can almost pick and choose. It's surreal.

 

[Brandii]

The only thing stopping me from going from role playing to real life is FEAR.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

The only thing stopping me from going from role playing to real life is FEAR.

fear of what? and i am girlfriend and submissive to my Sir. i am not just His submissive i'm also His lover, best friend, etc....the only true difference is the control aspect. but like i said, my question to you is what do you fear of it going real time??

 

[MasterPhoenix]

What is it that you fear about giving it a try?

Find somoene with whom you click and trust and expiriment, find what you like, what you don't like etc....

 

[Bandit58]

My Master is also my Husband I was His partner/lover for 3 years before we married. He is my first Master. I came to this lifestyle relatively late at 45, but I've always had a submissive personality.

Both of us have been married before. The difference with this relationship is there is a lot more honesty, trust and communication.

I can understand the fear Brandii mentioned. I didn't know anything about BDSM before I met Master Gil. Fear of the unknown was one aspect, another was I was afraid I would not be able to live up to expectations. There was also the fear of giving up control to another. I had been in an emotionally abusive marriage for many years and there was that fear of commitment as well (that one very quickly flew out the window though!). I still retain control of my own finances (and do most of our joint bill paying etc).

I feel more secure in this relationship, and also feel like I've finally found where I truly belong

 

[lil_slave_rose]

My Master is also my Husband I was His partner/lover for 3 years before we married. He is my first Master. I came to this lifestyle relatively late at 45, but I've always had a submissive personality.

Both of us have been married before. The difference with this relationship is there is a lot more honesty, trust and communication.

I can understand the fear Brandii mentioned. I didn't know anything about BDSM before I met Master Gil. Fear of the unknown was one aspect, another was I was afraid I would not be able to live up to expectations. There was also the fear of giving up control to another. I had been in an emotionally abusive marriage for many years and there was that fear of commitment as well (that one very quickly flew out the window though!). I still retain control of my own finances (and do most of our joint bill paying etc).

I feel more secure in this relationship, and also feel like I've finally found where I truly belong

i understand that fear as well, as when i met Master i was also one of those 'nilla people *smiles* and the fear of the unknown is a scary thing, but if ya don't venture out of that 'safe zone' and try it out, you never know what you're missing..you can't let that fear paralyze you to the point you refuse to try it in real time....

 

[s_red830]

Thanks for the feedback guys. To date I have been neither a girlfriend or a sub but I have the in-built yearning to be both to someone, sometime and you'd be amazed at the men who find me 'interesting' right now. I can almost pick and choose. It's surreal.

Hah, yeah. My sub is also my boyfriend... we'd do average things together if we didn't happen to be so damn far away.

 

[Brandii]

Some of you have wondered what I am afraid of: I honestly can't put my finger on the real source of this fear.
Maybe reading this will help explain my irrational fear of intimacy.

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=274952

I have begun to come out of my shell since writing this and some of my effervescence has begun shining through, mainly due to the support of some special online male friends.

However, due to some underlying fear that I can't name I still can't bring myself to meet them to receive the offered 'affection' in person, never alone meet them to play D/s games.

 

[the captians wench]

I remember after my ex left how I felt. I was very much afraid to love and trust anyone. I was supicious of everyone. I just knew that every one was out to hurt me like he did. I felt stupid, ugly, unatractive, confused, silly, hurt, alone, but most of all I felt a lot of fear. So with the encouragement of some friends online, I started writing, and posted some pics of myself. The pics helped me to feel more atractive as I got more responces. And eventually those pics lead to me meeting my Love.

I can go back and read messages that we sent to each other and see all the fear I had in me. I worried what would happen if I gave myself to another as I had before, only this time it felt like more. We were talking about a d/s relationship where as my last one wasn't. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to live up to what he expected. I was afraid he'd get bored with me since we are on oposite sides of the atlantic. I was afraid he'd disapear like so many others that I wasn't even talking seriously to had. But then I realized something. If I didn't take a chance on all of that happening, I'd never know. And I'm glad I did. 16 months later we're still going strong.

I would have never known the love and warmth I could feel if I hadn't taken a chance. Sometimes we just need to take a deep breath, close our eyes, and jump in with both feet, the water could be cold, but it could be really warm and feel amazing.

 

[liberatedslave]

I read the link you posted and there are a few things I'd like to say but I'm worried about how you might feel. I'm trying to speak out of love and empathy but things can read differently in print.

First of all, it upsets me to see you refer to your irishman as 'the love of your life' when he treated you so apallingly at every turn. He has no claim to your affection and any kind of nostalgia about him is damaging to your self-esteem. You have a beautiful daughter and it's painful to think that her father was a rat but your opinion of him has nothing to do with your love for her. I understand that you were expressing how you felt at the time but you don't sound nearly as contemptuous of this man as you should be.

I can empathise with being bullied at school and being 'the loser' that said, you're a long way from the playground now. I advise you to have a wander through the 'amateur pic feedback' forum here and see the responses that larger women get here when they find the confidence to post picture threads. Your size is a barrier to relationships because you have always seen it as one. Like santa, all you have to do is cease to believe in this barrier and it will simply disappear. There are many, many wonderful men who have no desire whatsoever for a stick thin woman.

The internet has its pitfalls but if you're honest about who you want to be and what you want from a partner it's not hard to sift the weirdos from the romeos. There is no commitment here, you need only go as far as you're happy to with chatting right now but I advise you to try it. Many women have sexy, gorgeous AVs but how many do you think are actually that conventionally attractive? It's more a statement about how they feel about themselves and that's the most important thing. The whole point of this site is that we have the freedom to be more confident and sexier than we would in RL.

You have a lifetime of low self esteem and poor treatment from others to work through and it probably looks impossible from where you are right now. Many women here have done it successfully and they will post and support you if you keep talking, ignore the asshats and persevere. I would suggest though that you could really benefit from some one on one professional therapy if you're not already. Your GP should be able to tell you how to access that where you live.

I wish you all the very best and hope that you can come out of your shell a bit more. Talking about our problems is always hard but here you will find support and friendship if you keep seeking it.

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and stars. You have a right to be here." Max Ehrman.

{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}​

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I was told "there is a big difference between being a man's 'girlfriend' and being his 'sub.""There seems to be a great deal of respect and love between the Doms and their subs on this site. What then is the difference between the two separate relationships? Wouldn't the female feel as secure in one as in the other.

As others have pointed out, the differences will vary between the people involved. The most common difference between a bf/gf relationship and a D/s relationship is that the parties involved in a D/s relationship will have made a conscious decision regarding the exchange of power between them. It will be discussed and agreed upon. bf/gf relationships tend toward egalitarian power exchange with impromptu give and take. If one person becomes overpowering in the relationship, takes more power than expected or anticipated, the other person will usually end up leaving the relationship because they are disappointed in having their needs, desires and expectations met.

Power will be exchanged to some extent in a bf/gf relationship. Human beings, being social/pack animals, seem to be wired for that. But that exchange is usually unconscious, automatic. How many of us have heard our vanilla friends, family members, co-workers, etc complain about their partner being "too bossy", "demanding", "she orders me around", "he's a control freak" and the like? It's a common issue.

The D/s relationship acknowledges that power dynamic and brings it to the front, gets the roles and boundaries clearly marked out, establishes ways to communicate within the roles, and perhaps more importantly, when and how to drop the roles when real egalitarian communication is needed.

As for security in the roles we have, that is a matter of self-knowledge, self-esteem, and trust in your partner. We all know vanilla folks who are terribly jealous, have low self esteem, who have extreme trust issues with their partner (sometimes deservedly so, sometimes it's baggage from the past that needs to be kicked to the curb). Slapping that D/s label on the people does not change their human nature. If she's jealous in a vanilla relationship, she'll probably be jealous in her BDSM one... If he doesn't trust her in a not-so-kinky setting, what makes you think he will trust her in a kinky one?

And of course you add an entirely new level of complexity if you start talking about polyamorous relationships with more than one partner involved. Not unheard of in otherwise vanilla relationships and becoming more common in BDSM and other alternative lifestyles.

Hope that provides a bit of information for you to use!
- Geoff

 

[the_pet]

For me personally the difference between BF/GF and D/s....

In bf/gf relationships we were equals or traditionally equal but in my D/s relationships we were not equal, they were my master with that level of power/control, control that i would HAVE NEVER given just a regular vanilla person . For instance I have a partner, but i WONT call him Master. I love him and we play but he is NOT my Master. Being a true Master requires a kind of person that you just don't find that often. Sure anybody can SAY their a Master but it's a HUGE calling IMO. Call me picky or bitchy, again IMO someone has to be worthy to be called my Master. I don't give my body, mind, and soul to any hard dick that can call me "slave".


pet

 

[Brandii]

I have actually begun to research this lifestyle over the last few weeks on the net. I found a site which details a lot of the aspects of the D/s relationship and have even read the contracts that subs sign when entering such an agreement with their master. I actually really like the creed that he/ she has to adhere to as the 'Master' of the sub.
I actually understand now why the preferred male I talk to online won't take me on as his sub, just yet. He says I'm not ready and I can understand why.

just as a side note: I've just posted my pic in my profile so that you can have an image in your head of who I actually am.

 

[Etoile]

I have actually begun to research this lifestyle over the last few weeks on the net. I found a site which details a lot of the aspects of the D/s relationship and have even read the contracts that subs sign when entering such an agreement with their master. I actually really like the creed that he/ she has to adhere to as the 'Master' of the sub.
I actually understand now why the preferred male I talk to online won't take me on as his sub, just yet. He says I'm not ready and I can understand why.

just as a side note: I've just posted my pic in my profile so that you can have an image in your head of who I actually am.

The absolute most important thing you can know about the D/s lifestyle is that there are no rules. Everybody's relationship is different. Some people have contracts, some don't. Some people have rules and punishments for breaking them, some don't. Some people have formal collaring ceremonies, some don't. There is no such thing as "the right way" or "the wrong way" when it comes to D/s. Every couple has to decide for themselves how they want the relationship to work.

I would recommend you do some reading in the library right here on Lit. It should be near the top of this BDSM Talk forum. There is a lot of good information there, a lot of people sharing their various experiences, so you can get a good idea of the different options for each aspect of D/s life.

 

[Yasashii_Kaze]

With having vanilla boyfriends up until Snooze, I rarely felt close enough to bare my soul to them. If a problem arose, I took it to one of my few trusted friends. Plus, every boyfriend I've had has been weaker than me, for lack of a better word. I was the strong one, so if I needed someone to lean on, I had to look outside our relationship.

Snooze has been working with me now to go to Him first with any problems I have. While I still have my friends and we're all very close, it's becoming instinct to turn to Him. It's so much more than what I once had. While being with Him satisfies my need to submit, He is also my confidante, my lover, my Master, my friend. I can't really explain why I couldn't find those things in a vanillia relationship, I just know they weren't there.