Question

[lady101]

My Master has brought up to me the idea of having another submissive join us. I don't care for this idea at all. I have expressed my feelings to him about having another sub join us. I understand the final decision is his, however, what do I do? I am having a real hard time with this. Just the thought of having her touch him or vice versa turns me off.

I am very happy with my Master but I am having such a difficult time involving another sub during our play time. Any advice?

 

[cati]

Hmmm

I've always felt these types of issues be brought up in the pre- stages of any D/s relationship. Personally I think it grossly unfair to add things/people along the way...just because you are the Master and this is something that you want.

I have to ask you, were you aware of his wanting to make your duet into a trio from the get go? If so, then this is something you may have to learn to deal with.

I have struggled with this same problem and while it hasn't happened yet..it may sometime down the road. I have to ask myself, do I make him happy by saying yes to a third when I really hate the idea? Am I going to be miserable from here on in if I do allow it? Is he going to spend more time with the "other" and ignore my needs? Can I deal with any feelings of jealousy that will ultimately crop up?
Way too much for me to handle at this time.

I do understand how polyamorous relationships work and I wish I felt as secure as those people who are very happy in their threesomes or foursomes.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

My opinion is probably not going to fit with what most people feel, but here goes anyway. You should respectfully state your case to your Master as to why you feel the way you do. If you do not agree to a poly relationship you should request to be released and move on so that both you and He may find partners that better fit what you both desire.

Or you stay and be miserable. The choice is yours.

 

[SirFace]

As a newbe to this lifestyle this issue has come up and I was initially interested (as would any male I think). When I had time to think about it a bit, I said to myself, "would you be ok with another male with us?" The answer was no. So, that being said, I cant be comfortable with another women being with us either. I have to go with that right now. maybe it will change later. Not sure.

 

[the captians wench]

I'm an incredibly needy little thing. I'm already jealous of life because it takes so much of my time away from him and his from me. *giggles* I know I couldn't handle another party being involved on a regular basis. (a bit of play once in a while I could deal with at this point, but if we weren't so far apart that too would be debatable.) Besides, he has his hands full with just me.

 

[His_pita]

My Master and I have discussed this topic and both find it interesting. It's not going to happen any time in the near future and if it does it will be something we both equally want. I have some negative past experiences with being part of a threesome and my Master totally respects my limits and my need to have approval in this area.

I feel that to bring another person into your relationship even if it's just for "play" has to be something you can both agree too. If I let my Master force it upon me it would totally change the way I felt about him and that would destroy the relationship.

You need to really talk to your Master about your feelings. I think he needs to respect them or you need to be released.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

You should respectfully state your case to your Master as to why you feel the way you do. If you do not agree to a poly relationship you should request to be released and move on so that both you and He may find partners that better fit what you both desire.

Or you stay and be miserable. The choice is yours.

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/applause.gif

 

[SirFace]

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/applause.gif

Sooo, do you have a response? I cant find it among all the other stuff included in your post.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Sooo, do you have a response? I cant find it among all the other stuff included in your post.

Why bother when she pretty much covered it all?

 

[SirFace]

Why bother when she pretty much covered it all?

Yea, I guess you're right. byby. hell of a way to end it though.

 

[LunarKitten]

Yea, I guess you're right. byby. hell of a way to end it though.

Not really. If she's stated her position and that another sub joining their relationship would make her grossly unhappy and doesn't feel she can handle it, yet he goes out and brings her into their relationship anyway then he doesn't take her into condsideration and she will be miserable, which in turn will make the whole thing go sour. So just leave before there are hard feelings to be had and everyone be happy.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Why bother when she pretty much covered it all?

Thanks, I tried

 

[O'Mac]

I understand the final decision is his, however, what do I do?

No. The final decision IS STILL YOURS. If you are not happy with the prospect, let him no that it's a non-negotiable limit of yours. I'm familar with poly relationships (was a part of one myself for some time) and to be perfectly honest, I often see more problems arise out of them as opposed to manogomous ones. As it has already been mentioned, my advice would be to bring it to your Master's attention and air your concerns. If he is of the opinion that ultimately your feelings don't count, than it would definitely be the right time to leave the relationship.

 

[cfuhrer]

I understand the final decision is his,

No, its not.
As a sub you are the ultimate controller in the relationship, you decide what your drop dead limit is. It's the same reason the sub has the safe word.

 

[A Desert Rose]

polyamory... is that what it's called?

I have yet to meet a submissive woman who embraces this kind of thing. I don't want any part of it, I can tell you that.

It would be a huge deal breaker for me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

We have the discussion in this household from time to time and for various reasons. He knows my feelings about adding a third permanently, which are not positive...I know his feelings which are fairly open and indifferent but curious, and as he says, entirely irrational male ego driven. There have also been discussions of how it would have to work if it ever became an option and was going to remotely work. It has become somehting that will not happen unless we both agree and both feel comfortable at the time.

The difference we have is unlike most, he is just as open to making that third a male so I can't very well pull the jealousy card and accuse him of just wanting to feather his own nest, but he is quite clear on the fact I do not see it as anymore joyful than if it were a female. Play partners though is easier to get my head and heart around, though still not something I am hot on. It is one of those areas where I see many women try and talk themselves into accepting because they think they should...it usually does not work if that is the condition under which it begins and/or exists, though there are rare cases where the reluctant actually finds it a positive experience once tried.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

We have the discussion in this household from time to time and for various reasons. He knows my feelings about adding a third permanently, which are not positive...I know his feelings which are fairly open and indifferent but curious, and as he says, entirely irrational male ego driven. There have also been discussions of how it would have to work if it ever became an option and was going to remotely work. It has become somehting that will not happen unless we both agree and both feel comfortable at the time.

The difference we have is unlike most, he is just as open to making that third a male so I can't very well pull the jealousy card and accuse him of just wanting to feather his own nest, but he is quite clear on the fact I do not see it as anymore joyful than if it were a female. Play partners though is easier to get my head and heart around, though still not something I am hot on. It is one of those areas where I see many women try and talk themselves into accepting because they think they should...it usually does not work if that is the condition under which it begins and/or exists, though there are rare cases where the reluctant actually finds it a positive experience once tried.

Catalina

Yes, play partners are easier for me to understand and accept. And being "the other woman" to a wife has never been an issue for me either. (Pin that scarlet letter on me... I don't mind.) But bringing another female submissive into the relationship as a permenant thing? I just can't do that.

I mean, geeze, the girlfriend was too much for me, even though he'd tell me, "girlfriends will come and go but you will be my slut for life." I can play second fiddle to a wife, but girlfriends and other submissives is where I draw a line in the sand.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Hey catalina... I think that my post up there ^, you know the one about having a scarlet letter, should be put in the submissive thought of the day thingy...

(Well, I have it kinda backwords... actually, he should be wearing the scarlet letter but, never mind.)

LMAO

(Okay, it was a joke. Really.)

 

[Ebonyfire]

I have yet to meet a submissive woman who embraces this kind of thing. I don't want any part of it, I can tell you that.

It would be a huge deal breaker for me.

There are not a lot of male submissives who can accept it either.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Thereis a reason that most poly relationships do not work. I have my own take on it, and am only too happy to share it.

Most dominants (male or female) do not take the time to negotiate the possibility of a poly situation. They just spring it on the poor unsuspecting submissive. Now why they do this can only be answered by the individual dominant.

They also do not take the time to establish a stable primary relationship. I have been told that a stable D/s relationship takes at least three years to establish. How many of your stable dominants have that much patience?

Taking the time to establish a stable primary relationship will give you the information you need to determine if a poly situation is even possible.

The last point I have is that you must choose carefully your additions to the relationship. That means putting lust aside and look at the long term.

Who really is that cautious? One submissive is a lot of work, but more than one is a career.

Eb

 

[cinnamonstick]

If it was only his choice he wouldn't have asked you about the possiblity of a third person. If it is something you are against than say no. As hard as that may be for you.

 

[D's mariposa]

As Ebonyfire says, most Dominants don't bother to negotiate it. But my Master did. As a note, we have also been together 4 years now, and it was only last year that he felt it was time to open that possibility up. We haven't been actively seeking a third partner; we've been seeking play partners. What changed was that while before he did sometimes play with others, it was just that. Play. Now if we make a deeper connection with another submissive, we will explore letting that develop further.

In references to our relationship with each other, our agreement (when we got formal and serious with each other) was that if either of us met another woman who we felt was compatible with both of us, we would bring her home to introduce her around. Men are not an option, because he's rather firmly heterosexual. If she did become a member of our family, I am the alpha. I was here first: I earned my position as his submissive and wife and I will not be forced to relinquish to a new girl. She would be equal in the terms of loving and caring, but she would not be able to replace me. In the chain of command, it would go Sir, me, them. Troublemakers will not be tolerated. A woman who came in and tried to separate us would not be tolerated. While we have not gotten very far yet, we did meet a young lady who swore she would be a wonderful addition to our family and then set out to undermine me with my Master. He didn't like it. I think some of the pieces are still bouncing around the club somewhere.

The thing is, we talked about it ahead of time and I knew going in that the possibility was there. It sounds as if the OP's Dominant sprung this on her, which is wrong. If you negotiated a set of guidelines for the relationship and he's suddenly changing the rules, you need to renegotiate. If he refuses to negotiate, or refuses to listen to your concerns or worse, listens to them and says 'I'm the capital letter in the relationship so deal with it." , this would be a HUGE red flag for me. Unless you've negotiated a "no limits" sort of thing. In that case, all bets are off. If you've agreed to have no limits on you and now you find that poly is a limit, you owe it to everyone involved to end it as painlessly as possible.

I don't know why some Dominants decide to spring this sort of thing on their subs either. I asked Master and he said "Top's Disease, maybe?"

 

[Ebonyfire]

As Ebonyfire says, most Dominants don't bother to negotiate it. But my Master did. As a note, we have also been together 4 years now, and it was only last year that he felt it was time to open that possibility up. We haven't been actively seeking a third partner; we've been seeking play partners. What changed was that while before he did sometimes play with others, it was just that. Play. Now if we make a deeper connection with another submissive, we will explore letting that develop further.

In references to our relationship with each other, our agreement (when we got formal and serious with each other) was that if either of us met another woman who we felt was compatible with both of us, we would bring her home to introduce her around. Men are not an option, because he's rather firmly heterosexual. If she did become a member of our family, I am the alpha. I was here first: I earned my position as his submissive and wife and I will not be forced to relinquish to a new girl. She would be equal in the terms of loving and caring, but she would not be able to replace me. In the chain of command, it would go Sir, me, them. Troublemakers will not be tolerated. A woman who came in and tried to separate us would not be tolerated. While we have not gotten very far yet, we did meet a young lady who swore she would be a wonderful addition to our family and then set out to undermine me with my Master. He didn't like it. I think some of the pieces are still bouncing around the club somewhere.

The thing is, we talked about it ahead of time and I knew going in that the possibility was there. It sounds as if the OP's Dominant sprung this on her, which is wrong. If you negotiated a set of guidelines for the relationship and he's suddenly changing the rules, you need to renegotiate. If he refuses to negotiate, or refuses to listen to your concerns or worse, listens to them and says 'I'm the capital letter in the relationship so deal with it." , this would be a HUGE red flag for me. Unless you've negotiated a "no limits" sort of thing. In that case, all bets are off. If you've agreed to have no limits on you and now you find that poly is a limit, you owe it to everyone involved to end it as painlessly as possible.

I don't know why some Dominants decide to spring this sort of thing on their subs either. I asked Master and he said "Top's Disease, maybe?"

Now what you described is for me the way things should be. I negotiate everything with my slave.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

As a newbe to this lifestyle this issue has come up and I was initially interested (as would any male I think)

You would be surprised at the number of female dominants who have the "stable" mentality.

Eb

 

[D's mariposa]

Ah, thank you! I had virtually no experience in the BDSM realm when I met Him, but I arrived on the scene here (sorry for the pun!) right when one of the most famous trios in our area went down in flames. They were known as the Terrible Trio. It was a very good object lesson in how NOT to handle a Poly. Since Sir knew that I like the ladies too, He made sure we talked about it way back in the beginning.

By the way, Ebonyfire, it's great to see your pixels again. You had stopped posting here just after I started posting, and You were sorely missed.