Question..

[jadefirefly]

Wow.

Look, if you're going to ask a question if something is normal, be prepared to get people saying it might not be! And don't get defensive on the people who -are- trying to help the person who *asked for help*.

Manipulation. Is. Not. Healthy. Whether or not you want it to be, or whether you want to HEAR it, doesn't change it. It is not right.

Nobody is saying your relationship is doomed just because of a small sexual mishap, or a communications bungle. All they're saying is that the best course of action at this point is to -talk-.

And yes, some people -are- being either overly critical or just plain rude. But to be honest, your initial post didn't convey the lighthearted tone you were going for. It's easy to see how someone could think you were serious, especially since you are definitely not the first person to ask if this or that thing means someone is gay.

That doesn't excuse some of you people! I'm ashamed of some of you.

 

[Callisto1112]

Good God, given your past posts, I'm not even going to try to read all that, and I'm just going to assume it's nasty, and a thinly veiled excuse to be patronizing, and mean to me. I asked for advice, and some people gave me some, and some people used it as a platform to act holier than thou. I think you should calm down and realize that it's a porno advice board, you need to get over yourself.

As for saying I got defensive, and won't except that it's anything but normal, it's more how it was said, than what was said. There's ways to give advice, even criticism that people take well, and then theres shaming someone, who worded something wrong. I agree that it's a little manipulative, but I also think he meant it to be cute, and playful.

I'm very excited to see that your husband can sustain an erection, maybe my boyfriend is stressed out from being deployed so much lately. Anyway, I'm not interested in a pissing contest with you. Seeing as you have a bunch of kids, it would seem like you'd have developed a little kindness and patience.

 

[jadefirefly]

Good God, given your past posts, I'm not even going to try to read all that, and I'm just going to assume it's nasty, and a thinly veiled excuse to be patronizing, and mean to me.

What the hell is wrong with my past posts? And you're not exactly on a roll of sweetness and light yourself anymore, darlin'. Sounds to me like you're having more fun bitching at the folks you don't need to be talking to, and ignoring the ones who are actually being helpful. Maybe that's just your thing, though.

Ce la vie.

 

[Quoll]

What the hell is wrong with my past posts? And you're not exactly on a roll of sweetness and light yourself anymore, darlin'. Sounds to me like you're having more fun bitching at the folks you don't need to be talking to, and ignoring the ones who are actually being helpful. Maybe that's just your thing, though.

Ce la vie.

Noooooo it wasn't you she was referring to, it was that geezer fucker Eilan.

How the fuck did this thread get so snippy?

Callisto if you had read Eilan's post you would have found the main reasons for any misunderstandings and to be honest, I too would have given the same advice as both LJ and Eilan, actually they both gave the same advice too.

In most cases of erectile dysfunction in younger men it is more likely to be psychological than physical.
Do you have a problem initiating sex?, does he know and understand that ? or could he think that you are witholding from him for some reason?

 

[Sybarist]

I'm not even going to try to read all that, and I'm just going to assume it's nasty, and a thinly veiled excuse to be patronizing, and mean to me.

Makes you not hold out too much hope for honest, open communication between them in their relationship doesn't it?

Callisto1112, the whole problem with this recent relationship problem is based on the fact that you and your BF are acting on your assumptions, not real facts.

You come here pleading for someone to try and make you feel better about yourself because you have made the assumption that he must be gay or you must be ugly because no "normal" man ever loses his erection in the middle of sex...

Seems he has resorted to withholding sex as he has assumed that you are not interested in sex with him personally and are just doing it to keep him happy...

And now, you have made the assumption that, by writing that there should be no manipulation in a healthy relationship, Eilan has deemed your relationship to be unhealthy (and unworthy??) and you are reacting to her advice as if she was the devil herself...

My advice would be to stop acting on your assumptions, and instead initiate real, honest communication between the people involved. Take the time to listen to what your BF has to say and think about it before you give him a knee-jerk reaction that could cause more harm than good. (this would also apply to posts here on Lit.- sometimes it's better to mull peoples thoughts over a bit before you engage your indignant fingers in reply )

-AND-

If what you really want is advice from people who know your specific relationship, or you and your BF personally, then don't come onto a public forum such as this looking for help from anonymous others..

Syb.

 

[Callisto1112]

I think you're probably right about the assumptions thing, I do have a tendancy to do that with him. We've talked about this sex thing a lot, and I guess I'm worried about making it a huge deal, and making it more dysfunctional by too much focus, so I just try to guess what is wrong, and I probably always guess the worst case scenario. I'm nervous to start yet another whats wrong with our sex life discussion, and make him feel inadequate, despite my reassurances. He has already told me that hes worried that because I don't initiate that he feels like I'm not into it, which sparked his "strike", which he really meant to be cute and funny I think.

Honestly, I'm a little scared to initiate after what happened last time. I'll talk to him about it again tonight, and just hope for the best, I guess.

 

[Callisto1112]

And to JadeFireFly, I also think you're right that I was defensive. This is a big issue for me at the moment, and I'm rather sensitive about it. I was surprised to be called an idiot, and told not to breed and informed that my relationship was unhealthy within the first few posts, when so many people come here and ask how to get their girlfriends to fuck their friends, or how to cheat on their wives, and are given open minded advice.

You're right, peoples responses to my question are their own, and if I didn't want to hear it, I shouldn't have asked. I probably won't ask anything again, but I do really appreciate the advice from people who seem to be well meaning.

 

[TBKahuna123]

And to JadeFireFly, I also think you're right that I was defensive. This is a big issue for me at the moment, and I'm rather sensitive about it. I was surprised to be called an idiot, and told not to breed and informed that my relationship was unhealthy within the first few posts, when so many people come here and ask how to get their girlfriends to fuck their friends, or how to cheat on their wives, and are given open minded advice.

You're right, peoples responses to my question are their own, and if I didn't want to hear it, I shouldn't have asked. I probably won't ask anything again, but I do really appreciate the advice from people who seem to be well meaning.

OK hun, let me jump in and clue you into a couple of realities here, just so you feel more relaxed and understand WHY this thread spiraled out of control.

First, As Eilan said, the tone of your first post sounded serious. hell when I first read it I thought you were serious, and I decided not to open my mouth. To be honest as a guy I was offended that you'd think losing an erection would make a guy gay. You saying it was a joke makes sense, but one of the problems with message boards and e-mail is the lack of facial expressions/body language. I've often been accused of over using smileys, but everyone knows the tone I'm trying to convey and it saves me lots of misunderstnadings. This is a perfect case fo why.

Second, you got defensive, and started sniping back and etc, etc, etc. I happens. Take a deep breath and regroup and lets see if we can help you out here.

Third, I think when people started saying your boyfriend was being manipulative, you started jumping to his defense. I understand, I do the same thing when someone starts pointing out a flaw in my wife, whether they're right or not.

Fourth, I think the people who called you names, told you not to breed, they were out of line. Still you have to just shrug that off and move on.


Now, to the original question:

Losing an erection is not uncommon. You mentioned him being deployed, well there you go. It's happened to me and it was always related to my normal stress level. Nothing else. It's not because you are ugly or anything. Just dont' dwell on it or it will keep happening, like a self-perpetuating fear.

As for him holding out, yeah that is a bit manipulative and raises a red flag. I know you may not want to hear it, but that is not healthy for a relationship and it can turn into a habit that becomes the norm. I know, I've been there, and I watched it destroy and otherwise happy marriage. I would suggest though that you try to make an effort once in a while to intiate sex. It does make us guys feel good to know that we're wanted. We have very fragile egos, esepecially when it comes to sex, and it's reasurring to know that we are desired. While I think holding out is a tad immature, it is exactly the kind of knee jerk reaction that the male ego likes to make us do.

My advice to you is forget about him losing the erection and if he brings it up just blow it off. I'd also suggest that you initiate every once in a while. It doesn't have to be everytime, but once in a while we do like to be seduced.

 

[jadefirefly]

And to JadeFireFly, I also think you're right that I was defensive. This is a big issue for me at the moment, and I'm rather sensitive about it. I was surprised to be called an idiot, and told not to breed and informed that my relationship was unhealthy within the first few posts, when so many people come here and ask how to get their girlfriends to fuck their friends, or how to cheat on their wives, and are given open minded advice.

You're right, peoples responses to my question are their own, and if I didn't want to hear it, I shouldn't have asked. I probably won't ask anything again, but I do really appreciate the advice from people who seem to be well meaning.

Don't take this the wrong way, but... you don't visit many other forums (outside of Lit) do you?

It can take a very long time to get the hang of ignoring the jerks that pop up randomly out of nowhere, post something nasty in a thread or two, and disappear for a while, only to re-emerge elsewhere. It can also take a while to get used to how much more open and verbal about an opinion people can be, and also lastly how difficult it is to understand tone of voice in a forum post.

All of those things caused me a world of hurt when I first started visiting large online communities like this one. Eventually, you learn to take it all with a grain of salt, and decipher the people who really are being asshats from the people who just sound that way unintentionally, due to a bad choice of wording or phrase.

It gets easier, with time. And everyone who's worried about their relationship is quite entitled to be a little bit defensive. Just take care to make sure that defensiveness doesn't undo the work you put into it trying to make it better.

 

[Eilan]

Good God, given your past posts, I'm not even going to try to read all that, and I'm just going to assume it's nasty, and a thinly veiled excuse to be patronizing, and mean to me.

If you don't read it, you'll never know, then, will you? Other than the boast about my husband's sexual prowess, I thought I did pretty well. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I said in my initial post that got you all defensive.

It's not uncommon to see post from women who's SO's can't get an erection, but they don't all have the same tone as yours.

I think you should calm down and realize that it's a porno advice board, you need to get over yourself.

Calling Lit a porn board diminishes it. Yeah, it's a porn board, but it's also a community, particularly here at the HT Board and Cafe. If you'd bothered to hang around and get a feel for the board's dynamics, you'd know that.

I agree that it's a little manipulative, but I also think he meant it to be cute, and playful.

Please explain to me how withholding sex is cute and playful. Please explain to the guy who's lucky if his wife fucks him once a month how withholding sex is cute and playful.

I'm very excited to see that your husband can sustain an erection, maybe my boyfriend is stressed out from being deployed so much lately.

Yeah, and, of course, he's the only one who's ever been in a high stress job/situation. Try 27+ years of it, hun, and then give me a call.

Seeing as you have a bunch of kids, it would seem like you'd have developed a little kindness and patience.

Wow. First you make a snide comment about my husband's age, and then you have to bring the fact that I have more children than you might consider acceptable into the equation. I think you can leave my kids out of it, because I exhaust all my kindness and patience on them. By the time I get to the people who ask "Is my cock big enough?" or "My boyfriend can't get it up. Is he gay?" I'm pretty much out of patience.

My comment on withholding sex and healthy relationships was a pretty general comment, and I'm sorry you got defensive, but people reacted to the information you gave them. I certainly wouldn't have made that comment if you hadn't mentioned that your BF "went on strike." Perhaps instead of getting defensive, you should work on solving the problem with him instead of sniping at me.

And be sure to make use of the Ignore feature in your User CP. If you don't have to read the posts of asshats like me, it will surely make your Lit experience a more positive one.

 

[silverwhisper]

eilan: it's called "displacement". :>

ed

 

[Eilan]

eilan: it's called "displacement".

Ya know, I hadn't even thought of it that way. Good point.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Calling Lit a porn board diminishes it. Yeah, it's a porn board, but it's also a community, particularly here at the HT Board and Cafe. If you'd bothered to hang around and get a feel for the board's dynamics, you'd know that.

I'll agree with you on this one Eilan. That was my first reaction to reading that, but given that things were already hot I figured I'd let it slide. I wouldn't really call it a porno board, more of a sexually oriented forum, myself.

Please explain to me how withholding sex is cute and playful. Please explain to the guy who's lucky if his wife fucks him once a month how withholding sex is cute and playful.

Well, I can think of a few times when my wife and I have done this, kind of a challenge to see who can hold off the longest without giving in. It doesn't have a malicious intent, more of a playful, challenging tone to it. There again, it's nuances. What one might find manipulative, another might find playful. It's a fine line, yes, but I can see how it could be viewed as playful if that was the intent.

 

[Eilan]

Well, I can think of a few times when my wife and I have done this, kind of a challenge to see who can hold off the longest without giving in. It doesn't have a malicious intent, more of a playful, challenging tone to it. There again, it's nuances. What one might find manipulative, another might find playful. It's a fine line, yes, but I can see how it could be viewed as playful if that was the intent.

In that context, I can certainly understand it. Because of the (apparent) tone of the initial post, however, I was under the impression that this wasn't the case.

 

[Ezzy]

My advice to you is forget about him losing the erection and if he brings it up just blow it off. I'd also suggest that you initiate every once in a while.

I think you almost have the right idea he TBK but I think it should read like this: -

My advice to you is forget about him losing the erection, and if he can't bring it up you should just "blow it" off for a while until his erection returns. I'd also suggest that this way, it can be seen you're initiating every once in a while.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I think you almost have the right idea he TBK but I think it should read like this: -

My advice to you is forget about him losing the erection, and if he can't bring it up you should just "blow it" off for a while until his erection returns. I'd also suggest that this way, it can be seen you're initiating every once in a while.

Hmph. I'll buy that.

See, that's why I need a good editor.

 

[red_flame]

well 1stly plz ignore the nasty coments you should see what some attention seekers say on the pic site

secondly try not to worry about the problem quite so much no relationship has 100% perfect sex all of the time (says me who isnt actually getting any)

i dout it was a real strike he just wanted to see how youd react and the odd flop ahhh it happens youre reading to much into it

try a nice night of cuddles and you take the lead ....... its not so bad when you do

 

[Eilan]

i dout it was a real strike he just wanted to see how youd react

Yeah. It must have been one of those, "I'm bored. Let's cut the little woman off for a while and see what happens" kinda dealies. Other than the "challenge" TBKahuna123 described a few posts back, is this something that people actually do for shits and giggles?

 

[Chicklet]

Honestly, I'm a little scared to initiate after what happened last time. I'll talk to him about it again tonight, and just hope for the best, I guess.

Did you happen to see my handjob thread? I was trying to give my guy pleasure and ended up somehow hurting him so badly that he had to stop for the rest of the night! If anything hurts the self-esteem, it's seeing a wince of pain in your guys eyes (and yes, in fact, it did get rid of his erection) when you're trying to give him pleasure.

The next night, I initiated again anyways, even though I was terrified that I'd hurt him again, or he'd be scared that I'd hurt him... after the initial fear, whoohoo, i got sex. SEX! And that was my goal, so I was happy.

I know it's hard to regain self-confidence and take the initial step yourself, but try it anyways. You don't have to be super pushy to initiate, you could just slink up him when he's laying down, or if you're watching tv look over at him and say "wanna fuck?" that's all initiation is, really I mean, you CAN get fancier about it, but just putting it out there that you want it is taking control over the situation.

I know it's scary. I know it's hard. I know it's opening up the possibility of rejection. But you've got to keep trying. Let him know that you want it.

 

[Callisto1112]

Well, since I've been repeatedly advised to focus on the advice that is meant to be helpful, I'll do that. This is actually the first/only online forum I've ever visited, and I guess theres an etiquette involved that I wasn't aware of.

I really appreciate a mans point of view TBKahuna, I'll definately take your advise. I think it comes down to each couple having their own special dynamic, and ours is specific to us, and what we do seems weird to some people, and what they do, seems weird to us. Even though some of you find his strike horrific, I think it's strangely endearing. His very occasional sulking when his feelings or ego get hurt, is adorable to me. And I suppose thats because I teach kindergarten, and it reminds me of the 5 year olds

Thanks for all the nice advice, and for all the PMs being supportive of me. I really do appreciate it.