Question: should i try this again?

[charliegirl0404]

Ok i have only ever once let someone have any kind of power over what i did or did not do during sex or otherwise. it was the worst 3 months of my life and i can say i am happy to be away from that person.



But sometimes it was good and i felt ... i cant say how i felt i dont have the words for it.. not a bad feeling .. but the rest of the time i was scared of what would come next.

Ok did i just pick the wrong person and should i try this again with someone... or should i just stick to a normal sex life and have a 50/50 deal with my next partner?

if this is a strange question and i sound stupied i'm sorry ( i'm also sorry for any spelling mistakes )

Charlotte

 

[SpectreT]

We need some details.

Bear in mind that this is not a prurient fishing post, but a genuine request for enough extra information to offer our experience and advice.

Sure, some of us would like to just jump in and say that that SO was a fucktard and you should look for someone who will be more of a partner. That's too general and vague to be of use to anyone.

That said, there are some excellent Interest Surveys, re: BDSM that might help you form a more concrete understanding of what it is that you enjoyed from that relationship and what was intolerable, as well as give you ideas for other things you might like to try. I'll go do some digging; we just had a bunch of links pop up in another thread about this, but I'm lazy. I'll dig out the links and edit them into this post when I have them.

(Edit: Found the links. http://www.cuffs.com/stories/phil/checklist.htm and http://www.soulshaven.f2s.com/nchk_main.php3 )

Two keys that are vitally important in a DS relationship (and life in general, IMO) were better said by poets and philosophers, and are numbers one and two in my private decalogue:

1) Know Thyself.
2) To thine own self be true.

You can't have 2 without 1, and you need to both understand as well as be able to articulate what it is you're seeking in a relationship.

I will actually state that A DS relationship is a partnership. The power balance isn't 50/50, but there are still people in it, and the "rubber's gotta meet the road", so to speak. If a dominant personality type isn't working to make the relationship stronger, more fulfilling to both of you, then s/he is abrogating their responsibility, which is (or should be, in an equitable relationship) inversely proportional to the power exchange.

In short, the answer to "Should I try this again?" is Only if you really want to, and are prepared to make sure your eyes are wide open, and you know what it is you're looking for, and don't settle for something that doesn't fit you.

 

[Still Falling]

SpectreT makes a series of good points.

Let me add some support from personal experience. i didn't have any real awareness of my own kink and submissive personality until my current enslavement to M'lady. But i was previously in a long term relationship that didn't work very well. Like you i had very limited trust in my partner - and that fundamentally affected every aspect of the relationship.

i'm not sure its right to say that trust is 'more' important in a BDSM relationship, but i certainly think that you need to be more aware of it - it's health in the relationship and what things inhibit you from trusting (that have no relevance to the person you are with).

SpectreT rightly points out that a BDSM relationship is not 50/50. i would like to clarify this in saying that it isn't 50/50 in terms of power balance; but that is only an aspect of what makes up a relationship. It is 50/50 in terms of responsibility, both members need to contribute to both the actualization and health of the relationship.

Anyway, if that gives you some encouragement to resolve your question that's great.

 

[SirFace]

Great advice IMHO

1) Know Thyself.

Not so easy. Still working on that one.

 

[charliegirl0404]

thanks for the help. i will take a look at any links you can give me.

 

[SirFace]

thanks for the help. i will take a look at any links you can give me.

This was intended for beginner Doms. It helped open my eyes that there are many different ways this can be explored and enjoyed.

http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/domadvic.html

 

[adette84]

Ok i have only ever once let someone have any kind of power over what i did or did not do during sex or otherwise. it was the worst 3 months of my life and i can say i am happy to be away from that person.



But sometimes it was good and i felt ... i cant say how i felt i dont have the words for it.. not a bad feeling .. but the rest of the time i was scared of what would come next.

Ok did i just pick the wrong person and should i try this again with someone... or should i just stick to a normal sex life and have a 50/50 deal with my next partner?

if this is a strange question and i sound stupied i'm sorry ( i'm also sorry for any spelling mistakes )

Charlotte

Charliegirl, it sounds like your problem with the original relationship was that you were trapped in it. Although I must temper my opinion by saying I am not much more than a novice, one of the things that continuously puzzles me as I read these discussions under the BDSM heading is how two people can maintain a full-time D/s relationship without getting into the same situation you describe. I do not say this as a criticism of anyone else’s approach. I’m sure that full-time D/s relationship happen, and some are very successful. My guess is that it is a rarity, and maybe the folks who post in these threads are mostly among those few participants in such relationships who are actually successful. It would make sense that all those who fail are not as likely to participate in discussion. Again, all you experienced D’s participants, please note I speak as a novice before you judge me too harshly. My own D/s relationship, in which I am the submissive, is best described as “part time.” He is a former landlord of mine from when I was in college. The D/s part of it started slowly and developed over my junior and senior years. It was completely separate from our other relationships to each other, such as tenant-landlord, neighbors (he was my downstairs neighbor), friends who helped each other out once in a while, etc.. Our D/s activities were always in the form of session that had specified beginning and ends, usually an evening and the following day (usually on a weekend when my roommate would go home—she never knew anything about what the guy downstairs and I were doing in her absence). I am now a good seventy miles away from where I went to college, but my “Handler” and I still get together. After intervals of time between sessions, I very much appreciate all that he does for me. We also both feel much more able to make it a fully intense experience because it is concentrated in a time slot. I am only telling what has worked for me. Maybe it is something to consider, charliegirl. It sounds like you really want to explore this dimension of your nature. Burnadette.

 

[SpectreT]

in regards to adette84's post:

Absolutely.

There are as many different approaches to this as there are people. Personally, I couldn't imagine, at this point, a 24/7 DS relationship. It'd feel too confining. On the other hand, I couldn't imagine a relationship without DS for the same reason.

Let me put it this way: for me, a relationship is like a chocolate cake with rich fudge icing. The chocolate cake would be too dry on its own, and the icing would be too rich on its own. The parts complement each other and make a better whole. The 'nilla parts of the relationship are the cake, the DS is the icing, if that makes any sense.

Oh, and I edited my original post to include those interests survey links, in case that was missed.

 

[SpectreT]

Great advice IMHO



Not so easy. Still working on that one.

Simple isn't always easy. Set aside an hour a day, if you can. Depending on the weather, just sit outside and breathe. Examine yourself, your motives, your triggers. Look at the sky and the clouds, and just contemplate being. In a couple of months, I'd imagine you'd know yourself pretty well. Once you're used to meditating like that, you can start exercising as well; maybe take a walk, lift weights, wail the tar out of a heavy bag. Bring the mind and body and emotions closer together. I'm not so good on the exercise part, myself.

 

[FurryFury]

Simple isn't always easy. Set aside an hour a day, if you can. Depending on the weather, just sit outside and breathe. Examine yourself, your motives, your triggers. Look at the sky and the clouds, and just contemplate being. In a couple of months, I'd imagine you'd know yourself pretty well. Once you're used to meditating like that, you can start exercising as well; maybe take a walk, lift weights, wail the tar out of a heavy bag. Bring the mind and body and emotions closer together. I'm not so good on the exercise part, myself.

If more people would do this as early in their lives as possible, I suspect we would all be MUCH happier and the people we had around us would be too.

*nods muchly*

Lord knows I've been decades slow on the uptake here. *L*

Fury

 

[SirFace]

Simple isn't always easy. Set aside an hour a day, if you can. Depending on the weather, just sit outside and breathe. Examine yourself, your motives, your triggers. Look at the sky and the clouds, and just contemplate being. In a couple of months, I'd imagine you'd know yourself pretty well. Once you're used to meditating like that, you can start exercising as well; maybe take a walk, lift weights, wail the tar out of a heavy bag. Bring the mind and body and emotions closer together. I'm not so good on the exercise part, myself.

Thanks for the tips. I really need to respond to this in a new thread when I have the time and the balls. Its not so easy to find that who you thought you were for 53 years is not who you really are.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks for the tips. I really need to respond to this in a new thread when I have the time and the balls. Its not so easy to find that who you thought you were for 53 years is not who you really are.

To be honest I personally need more detailed and directed questions and activities.

Waiting for hindsight (which is what I have done in the past,) just isn't efficient IMO.

Fury

 

[Private_Label]

Thanks for the tips. I really need to respond to this in a new thread when I have the time and the balls. Its not so easy to find that who you thought you were for 53 years is not who you really are.

Sir Face, I started the self introspection when I was 16 after a year of living as an emotionless zombie (bad times for me, but nothing as bad as some have had). I'm turning 42 in September and I am still working my way through finding out who I am. I'm closer to it than some people and still far away compared to others. Like Specter T, I'm having a darnedest time with adding the exercise! As long as you know yourself better today than you did yesterday, you are accomplishing a lot.

Charliegirl, I would suggest you take the time to think about what things you liked and what aspects you didn't like about the last time you participated in a D/s lifestyle. Knowing what you don't like is just as important as what you do, and things you might be willing to work on with someone over time as well. Don't let anyone push you into a 24/7 relationship if what you want is the occasional scene.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Charliegirl, I would suggest you take the time to think about what things you liked and what aspects you didn't like about the last time you participated in a D/s lifestyle. Knowing what you don't like is just as important as what you do, and things you might be willing to work on with someone over time as well. Don't let anyone push you into a 24/7 relationship if what you want is the occasional scene.

Feel free to correct me if I am wrong but charliegirl does not identify her previous relationship as D/s Lifestyle . She did however say....

• it was the worst 3 months of my life
• i can say i am happy to be away from that person.
• sometimes it was good and i felt ... i cant say how i felt i dont have the words for it.. not a bad feeling
• the rest of the time i was scared of what would come next.

Lack of information and inaccurate sterotyping by the media might associate some of the previous as being relegated to a BDSM setting. Perhaps that is why some seek information here.

This may well have been the situation of being in a vanilla relationship with a chronic abuser.

Charliegirl I am in no way unsympathetic for that which you have experienced which caused you fear and harm believe me.

Its extraordinarily rare to my best knowledge that someone is in a D/s relationship and is unaware of it considering the amount of structure that applies.To exchange power with another requires each are aware /both sides otherwise I fail to see how the quality or satisfaction attained will ever be relished. This is a cognitive and emotional investment between 2 people not party tricks and red bums and ( once again ) especially not abuse in its classic definition.

Another interesting thing occured to me reading back through the previous posts in regards to the application of D/s 24/7. People are quite capable of living within this context with some reasonable common sense that the World won't stop because of your personal commitments to another. Owned is Owned I personally can't see how that can be turned on or off .

Charliegirl I get the slightest hint in one of your comments that some aspects of this behaviour towards you aroused you. This can also happen both within and outside of BDSM activities and D/s relationships . Its 'possible' you may identify as a submissive its also possible you are not. The only wrong outcome in assuming the title of submissive is a dishonest one. Its not a ticket to euphoria either its often the core complication that can lead to much personal disatisfaction at times.............smiles

I concur with much of the advise in the posts above , be honest with yourself, access the Library here in Lit continue to read the Threads that interest you and ask questions , see what topics takes you interest. You need to focus all the care and all the good into yourself.

Once again D/s relationships are not about abuse. Having said that there are areas of kink that may emulate that arousal factor in you that may appear abusive for the uninitiated and thats perhaps what you need to explore at your own careful pace.

For now I would suggest a relationship would not be overly wise to be seeking. If you discover and confirm you actually were in the hands of an abuser for those 3 months you have other more important things to contend with currently .

Educate yourself to know the difference. There is a plethora of predators out there posing as Dominants . To be equatable some very questionable 'submissives' as well. ( I had to add that its fair. I am not into Dom/me 'bashing' ). I know this within the context of my personal expectations because I am an experienced submissive and I still come across them and frequently.

Follow your instincts !!!! Same as you would in other areas of your life. If it feels wrong it is wrong. Most Dominants would want to know your concerns and address them with due care .

I have posted more than I would normally on this because as its been stated above 'we need details'. I have not bothered with label and definiton pc either. It will only serve to complicate further.

Best of luck charliegirl

 

[Etoile]

Supremely awesome post, rebecca. Many other good ones in this thread as well.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Supremely awesome post, rebecca. Many other good ones in this thread as well.

Ohh thank you Etoile appreciated

'ditto' in regards to many good ones as well.

 

[charliegirl0404]

Ok i did not give a lot of info but thats just because its hard for me to put some things into words. ( even here i am going to leave things out )

When i was with him yes we would have a set time and a set scene. but as time went on he would just start to spring stuff on me. He stoped asking what i would want to try and just started doing stuff. Yes we had a safe word but near the end of the time i was with him he started ignoreing it.the last time i was with him he forced a ball gag in my mouth. thats when i left him. during everyday life he would not ask but tell me what i could and could not do and expect me to do so. when i disagreed with him he would get very mad.

some things where good he knew what to do to relax me. when he was not being mean he was very kind. i cant give a lot of point by point because i would never be able to show my face on this site again but a lot of the stuff we did after we started getting into it was really good and would not mind finding someone else to do them with again. With every one i have been with i have wanted to make that person happy and give them what they wanted.. i do have a limit and still have many things i wont do no matter how bad the person i am with wants to try it.

I dont know what i am. or what i feel makes me. i have been willing and happy to try things with the people i have been with and I dont think thats going to change.

thanks to anyone who answerd me .. i hope i gave a little more info take care all

 

[FurryFury]

It sounds like he tried to take more control that you were willing to give him, disregarded your safe word and was even mean to you. This sounds like a control freak more than a Dom to me, or maybe just a bad fit for you both?

It sounds like you do like to do at least kinky stuff and please others within your boundaries. That sounds like at least a bit of a submissive to me. However, only YOU can know these things for yourself.

Not all Doms try to micro manage your life and take it over. What I've read from most Doms here is that they like a strong competent submissive or slave rather than someone who can't ever be self directed and confident.

Fury

 

[SpectreT]

Charliegirl, please check out my "Know Thyself" thread, if you haven't already:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=443484

Might help you organize yourself, for yourself.

I'm willing to say that that SO was a fucktard at this point, but you're not getting off scold-free, though I suspect you've scolded yourself quite a bit. It helps focus an idea, sometimes, when you see it in print or on a screen, so here goes:

Ya should've packed it in the very first time a safeword was ignored. Period. I'm not talking about your SO hearing your safeword, pausing, and verifying that you're really sure you meant to use it. I'm talking flat out ignoring it, if that's what he did. It's time to go when that happens, and it's your responsibility to recognize when it's going pear-shaped and protect yourself. (Easy for a big guy like me to say from my comfy home office chair, I'll admit, but it doesn't make it any less true.)

It's also your responsibility to not only know your limits, but make sure any future SO does, as well. Once there's some trust built up in a new relationship, which based on your past experience may take quite some time, you can discuss which limits are safe to push, and which ones aren't to be trifled with. And you might want to try and find a kink-friendly counselor to talk to about your previous "relationship", which is sounding more like abuse with every passing post.

Little mantra to remember: "Submissive does not equal doormat."

On his end, respecting limits is important, finding out those limits is important. Sure, some limits can be pushed, in some relationships, but that's about trust and overcoming fear and building a stronger relationship; it shouldn't be about using you another way just because you let him use you a specific way. If you get an inkling that any future relationship starts heading the same direction, run like hell, is my advice.

Here's those Interest Survey links again, in case you missed them before, so you can help define for yourself and others what's cool and what's not.

http://www.cuffs.com/stories/phil/checklist.htm

http://www.soulshaven.f2s.com/nchk_main.php3

The bold parts above were intentional; I don't want anyone misinterpreting my remarks about pushing boundaries. After the descriptions of the previous relationship, I don't feel you're ready for that kind of thing anyway, if you ever will be. I think someone else mentioned Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and you could very well have emotional landmines buried even as we type. Definitely, if possible, look into counseling to make double-sure your mind is clear.

 

[Ebonyfire]

in regards to adette84's post:

Absolutely.

There are as many different approaches to this as there are people. Personally, I couldn't imagine, at this point, a 24/7 DS relationship. It'd feel too confining.

Well it depends on how the 24/7 relationship is set up. There are thousands of ways to set one up. Most dominants who have one (myself included) are not micromanagers. There can be a lot of autonomy within the relationship.

I think that the term 24/7 can mean that the power exchange is in effect 24/7. My slave is my slave whether he is in the room with me or he is at work. That does not mean I am birddogging his every move. I have rules that govern his behavior ( and not a lot of them either) so I do not have to birddog him.

It just really depends on the two people involved.

Eb

 

[SpectreT]

<snip>

Another interesting thing occured to me reading back through the previous posts in regards to the application of D/s 24/7. People are quite capable of living within this context with some reasonable common sense that the World won't stop because of your personal commitments to another. Owned is Owned I personally can't see how that can be turned on or off . ,<snip>

Well it depends on how the 24/7 relationship is set up. There are thousands of ways to set one up. Most dominants who have one (myself included) are not micromanagers. There can be a lot of autonomy within the relationship.

I think that the term 24/7 can mean that the power exchange is in effect 24/7. My slave is my slave whether he is in the room with me or he is at work. That does not mean I am birddogging his every move. I have rules that govern his behavior ( and not a lot of them either) so I do not have to birddog him.

It just really depends on the two people involved.

Eb

Looks like I tweaked a couple of people with my 24/7 remark, and my confining remark. Yes, Eb, I was in part referring to the micromanagers and outrageously ritualistic style when I made my comments about 24/7. For one (extreme, IMO) example, I tried reading Gorean protocols once, to amuse myself; I got a headache and a distinct feeling no one does or can remember all that stuff. I'll address the rest of the 'confining' comment below.

To rebecca, With me, for a completely monogamous LTR (which is my ideal goal in life right now), it'd have to be mutual ownership, and some kind of understanding of the swing of who's on top. And some sort of agreement or framework to deal with it when we're both in the same headspace instead of complementing each other. Otherwise, it'd feel like I was amputating a whole half of my personality (dominant or submissive) to maintain a relationship, and that'd be confining as well.

But who knows, I might find a relationship where I can chuck %50 of my self-identification, and not feel like I'm losing something.

 

[Ebonyfire]

For one (extreme, IMO) example, I tried reading Gorean protocols once, to amuse myself; I got a headache and a distinct feeling no one does or can remember all that stuff..

Well I will never understand the Gorean mindset either. We had Goreans in the BDSM group I used to belong two, and they filled me in on the basics. Not my cup of tea though.

...With me, for a completely monogamous LTR (which is my ideal goal in life right now), it'd have to be mutual ownership, and some kind of understanding of the swing of who's on top. And some sort of agreement or framework to deal with it when we're both in the same headspace instead of complementing each other..

For what its worth, that seems a workable goal to me. Now all you have to do is find your partner, someone who sees things as you do.

Otherwise, it'd feel like I was amputating a whole half of my personality (dominant or submissive) to maintain a relationship, and that'd be confining as well..

And unsatisfying, I would imagine

But who knows, I might find a relationship where I can chuck %50 of my self-identification, and not feel like I'm losing something.

Well I would hate to feel as if I was losing something too so I hope you attain your goal(s). Just never give up. If an old bird like myself can find her magic, anyone can.

EB

 

[FurryFury]

I believe most people need the option to talk both to the person they are with and to others. I don't like the idea of restricting or being restricted in that area, at all though I do self restrict.

I believe men tend to keep things bottled up more and this may be part of why they generally don't live as long. When you need to talk relationship things out but instead talk about the game, I think it hurts you. This is why, when they find someone who will love them no matter what they say or feel, I believe it means so much to have a "best friend," like that.

I think a switch should be able to find another switch to be with. I know of some in RL who have and who seem very happy together though they do also publicly play (but as far as I know not fuck,) with others.

Fury

 

[SpectreT]

<snip>

I think a switch should be able to find another switch to be with. I know of some in RL who have and who seem very happy together though they do also publicly play (but as far as I know not fuck,) with others.

Fury

In certain circles, I am given to understand, Switches are highly sought after for public events; discussions, demonstrations, skills training, because of the dual perspective.

 

[Ebonyfire]

In certain circles, I am given to understand, Switches are highly sought after for public events; discussions, demonstrations, skills training, because of the dual perspective.

I have a very close friend who is a switch. He dominates females, but I am the only person he submits to. he has never tried to dominate me because he values his balls which I have in a vise often.

I always say I use him for target practice. I perfect my tortures on him before I use them on my submissives.

Eb