Question for the Dom(me)s

[banyangirl]

My SO has recently agreed to get into BDSM with me as my Dom. His biggest worry, however, is that he'll get too far into it and want to turn it into a 24/7 arrangement, which he's nervous about. He's also nervous about being able to control himself. We've experimented a fair bit, and he's been quite rough with me, biting, spanking, pinching and rough sex in general, which we both enjoyed, and he was able to control himself then, although he admitted later that he was constantly having to check himself to make sure he wasn't too rough with me. Do any veteran Doms or Dommes have any pertinent articles, anecdotes or advice to share for a new Dom with these kinds of worries? Thanks in advance.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Set up a safe word or words. Yellow can mean slow down and red can mean stop. Anytime you say it to him, he must at the very least stop and check what is wrong.

I would also suggest to him to take things S-L-O-W. The biggest concern I would have is if he can't control himself then how can he possibly be trusted to control another person safely.

 

[kittyn_]

I'd honestly think it's a good thing that he's worried. I'm not a Dominant or top in any way, but I'd rather any 'new' guy playing with me were worried enough to bring up his concerns. My best suggestion, and one my husband and I use, is to simply talk everything you intend on doing out the first few times you try something.

It may sound weird to 'script' yourselves like this, but it gives him a clear idea to follow rather than just going with the flow, as it were. Basically what I find this to do for us, is remove some of the temptation to experiment further than either is comfortable with before you have the basic idea down, and to provide certain 'points' where there's a pause in the action to do a self check.

It also gives you good ground for further conversation afterward, "Honey, when we were talking about doing this, I didn't realize that this is how 'X thing' would feel. While it was all right, I'm not sure I'd want you doing it harder just yet, ok?"

I know that before we started talking things out before playing, I'd commonly spend a while convincing my male that he hadn't broke anything, and this may be part of what is worrying yours. Just make sure you have something, word, phrase, smack across the face, whatever, to let him know when he's going to far so he'll come back to his senses if he's worried that much about it.

Hope it helps

-kittyn

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Both Daddy2 and kittyn have offered some pretty durn good advice.

Let me add, as one who started spanking more than 40 years ago and has developed his techniques and practices over that period, that *building up* is the best way to go. Any time I "work" with someone I haven't sessioned with before, I don't go full speed, full bore, with her on the first, second, third, or even tenth session. I constantly check on how she's feeling, what color she's in (green, red, yellow - as Daddy2 mentioned), and note her reactions to everything I do. The lovely woman I'm with now is a perfect example. The last time we played - about a week ago - she was for some reason more physically sensitive to everything I did, and I could tell that almost from the start. We didn't go nearly as far as in previous sessions - cane strokes were both fewer and lighter, etc. - because my goal of bringing her sensation was met by less. Our next session may well be harder and longer... it all depends on the circumstances. And that's something it would pay him well to remember: Each session, even with someone he's played with often, is different.

Good luck to you both.

If he - or you - would like to inquire about specific practices, feel free to ask just about anyone here, and feel free also to PM me (and most others here) if you would prefer private "consultation."

 

[SCW80]

I am interested in this as well. My wife and I are beginning our journey into the dom/sub arena together. We both have very little experience in this. She is very excited about being the sub and I am excited about being the dom. I want to have some very indepth conversations with her about her expectations and what exactly she is looking for. Are there any topics, questions, etc that I should bring up. I want to be a good dom to her. I am very excited about the future!

-SCW

 

[Sir_Winston54]

For both of you...

Meander through the Library (even though it's undergoing refurbishing at the moment ), read threads on topics that interest you, and feel free to post your questions here, or PM people whose outlooks seem to coincide with yours to some extent. Most of the "regulars" here are more than willing to share their experiences and knowledge with those who seek to learn and grow in our culture. (BTW, I'm kind of "picky" on the term... I much prefer "culture" to describe our way of life, rather than "lifestyle;" "lifestyle," at least in present-day etymology, seems to denote a *choice* of activities, while "culture" more nearly accurately (to me) describes the fact that for most of us, our particular practices of BDSM are pretty much hard-wired into us.)

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I echo Sir Winston... Work up to it...

A Dominant should know his own limitations...

 

[littleunicorn918]

I understand what he may be going through. My SO is also having a hard time. I have been interested in D/s for a long time. In my past relationship it never went anywhere other then mild ties and and such. My SO and I have talked about this alot, read just about all the stories/articles we can on Lit. He has some great ideas for "scenes", has made a few homemade floggers ect. It just seems that he is afraid to go further. Yes he ties me up, will spank me lightly, tell me to do a few things, but it's all very mild. I have read stories and shared them with him, going through differant points that I have liked or disliked.We know we don't want a 24/7 as that just wouldn't be possible with the way things are right now.

I do not know how to get him to take it further. He sometimes will start being dominant, teling me to do this or that, but then it kinda just dissolves. ( we still end up having superb sex!!) I know he doesn't want to hurt me in anyway. I want to help him overcome any fears he has, but I don't want to push him too hard. I haven't brought the subject up much becasue I want him to do things when he is ready.

Does anyone have any other good information/articles /sites that might be helpful for him on where to begin in becoming a Dom?

Thanks