Question about the BDSM lifestyle?

[adrienne2242]

Globalstar Satellite Phone
Travelers can make calls from almost anywhere on earth
The best thing about owning a cellular telephone is convenience. The ability to make a phone call any time, from almost anywhere, provides a feeling of freedom matched only by the motor-home experience itself. At the same time, a cell phone offers unparalleled peace of mind; in the event of an emergency, help can be dialed up in seconds-most of the time, that is.
Read more: What size speakers are in my car
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Analog and digital cellular phones operate by cell sites, located in and around metropolitan areas and most interstates. A cell phone's signal strength depends on how close you happen to be to one of these sites, so if you're in the middle of nowhere, the chances are you won't get any signal at all.
The Qualcomm Globalstar GSP-1600 portable tri-mode satellite phone solves this problem. By incorporating standard analog and digital modes along with satellite service, there are few places in the country, or the world, for that matter, where you can't make a phone call with audio quality as clear as a cellular call in a major citay.
In analog or digital modes, the phone works like any other: Pull out the small antenna, press POWER, then dial the area code and number, and press SEND. However, if you find that there is no analog or digital service in your area, simply deploy the Globalstar's integral antenna, choose GLOBALSTAR from the phone's menu, and dial the number again. Or, if the phone is in auto mode, you can simply deploy the antenna and redial the number; the phone will automatically check for cellular service first, then go to satellite service if no cell service is available (you can also set the phone to do the opposite if you like).
The Globalstar's satellite antenna is stored on the side of the phone in a groove built into the phone's body, so that when the antenna is stowed, the phone fits flush in your hand. Deploying the antenna requires only that you fold the antenna out; as you do so, it automatically extends. Unlike the small wire antenna used for standard analog/digital service, the tip of the thick satellite antenna must be pointed directly at the sky, and there cannot be any obstructions between the antenna and the satellite. This means it cannot be used indoors, or near tall buildings or trees. In other words, the same rules that apply to your satellite television dish apply to the Globalstar's antenna.
Once the satellite antenna has a clear view of the sky and satellite service has been selected, it usually takes only seconds for the phone to find a satellite and provide the user with a strong signal. Globalstar employs a network of 48 low-earth-orbiting (LEO) satellites at an altitude of 878.6 miles (as opposed to geosynchronous satellites orbiting the equator at 22,300 miles) that orbit the globe every 113 minutes. This network provides coverage to more than 80 percent of the earth's surface--with the current exceptions of the extreme polar regions--and will cover 98 percent of the world's populated areas, according to the company.
[CENTER][url]https://i.imgur.com/6sQ2DTH.jpg[/url][/CENTER]
Globalstar's satellite system utilizes what the company calls "bent pipe" architecture, in which each call goes up to the nearest satellite, is bounced back to earth to the nearest "gateway" (an earth-bound transfer station) and then routed into the landline system. According to Globalstar, this allows calls to travel mostly via established terrestrial infrastructure instead of being passed satellite-to-satellite, improving call quality and minimizing the chances of dropped calls.
Each call signal is carried by several satellites through a patented technology called "path diversity" If the signal is blocked by an obstacle of some kind, a "soft hand-off" takes place, whereby the call's transmission is switched to an alternate satellite without interruption.
If you anticipate having to use the phone in satellite mode while driving, you won't be able to do so unless you purchase a separate hands-free car kit, including a Globalstar electronic module, a hands-free phone cradle, a speaker, a microphone, a car interface cable and a magnetic-base exterior antenna, plus necessary cables and wiring. Available as options to the hands-free car kit are a privacy headset and adapter, and a privacy hand set that includes a separate phone receiver and cord when you don't want other occupants to hear your conversation, or when ambient noise prevents you from using the microphone/ speaker system.
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The Globalstar satellite phone we tested was manufactured by Qualcomm; similar units from Ericsson and Telit are available from dealers outside the United States. The Qualcomm unit, though considerably more bulky than contemporary cellular phones, weighs only 13 ounces, which is reasonable considering its capabilities. Calls we made in analog and digital modes were very clear for both parties, even when signal strength wasn't the greatest.
To test the phone's satellite calling feature, we took it with us on a road trip through California's Death Valley National Park, one of the most desolate areas in the state, and the hottest place in North America. At Death Valley's Badwater, the lowest point in the continental United States (282 feet below sea level), we stopped to make a call. The phone first checked for analog and digital service, then went to Globalstar satellite mode. Within seconds, a satellite was located and the call went through as normal. Like any cellular phone, the quality of the connection varied, but it was never bad and we did not experience any dropped calls.
The GSP-1600 retails for $1,199 and offers standard features, such as phone-book menu and voice/text messaging, plus a fax-and-data feature that enables users to access e-mail, the Internet and fax messages. The phone's lithium-ion battery allows 2.5 to 3.5 hours of talk time and eight to 10 hours of standby.
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These prices are for satellite service only; 800-megahertz cellular service is provisioned through a separate wireless provider. Eventually a unified number and billing plan for both satellite and cellular service will be available, according to Globalstar.

 

[13Fantasies]

To me, accepting something you fundamentally disagree with is always a recipe for disaster.

However, if determined to find a way, is he open to compromise? So many days a week are BDSM-related while the others are not?

This allows him to show you that your feelings matter to him.

 

[thefishfryer]

I used to date this guy who is into bdsm, I didn't know he was into it when we got together. I stayed with him anyway hoping that he would drop the lifestyle. He didn't and a year and 1/2 later we broke up because I am not into it and couldn't let myself do that stuff because I have been abused in the past and I just can't see myself wearing a collar or calling him master like I'm a dog. My problem is that we are still good friends and I still love him very much and would like to get back together with him. I have a huge trust issue as far as men are concerned and I just don't know if I can bring myself to do those kinds of things just to be with him. Is there anything I can do to be able to accept the lifestyle so I can be with him?

You would have to want to, and it sounds like you don't.

 

[Blue]

To me, accepting something you fundamentally disagree with is always a recipe for disaster.

However, if determined to find a way, is he open to compromise? So many days a week are BDSM-related while the others are not?

This allows him to show you that your feelings matter to him.

What that guy said.

It's possible your opinion on some of the things you think are 'squick' now could shift (the "Daddy" thread comes to mind), same goes for him. But I wouldn't build a relationship based on that kind of what-if mentality. If you have a good comprehension of what he's into and it really doesn't appeal to you then, assuming you do get back together, you'd need to find a middle ground between what you're both willing to accept and/or forgo. But that doesn't mean that whatever that result is will be tolerable for either of you in the long term.

 

[Nezhul]

Ok, I'll try to give a diverse advice here.

First, let me side with other posters. Forcing yourself to do something you feel bad about - is not a good recipe for a healthy relationship. If it's completely a turn-off for you - you shouldn't try to "endure" it.
On the other hand I can understand your man. Kinky desires are for many of us not something we can just turn off and forget. I can, but even I would find myself regretful about not having this outlet for my fantasies. Again, this is not a healthy thing to do - to sacrifice your dreams and desires for a relationship.
See, no matter what, if either of you sacrifice too much on that field - it's a point of strain and stress in your relationship. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and it will be that much easier for it to tear apart and rip to pieces if there's already a point of tension.
I don't say it's bound to fail. If your attraction is strong enough - nothing will stand in the way of love and one of you will sacrifice his sexual preferences and still be happy.

Now, let's get to the other part. It is sometimes possible to change yourself or find interest in something you originally didn't consider. Doesn't mean this always works, and I'm not talking about "accepting" or "enduring" something. No. I'm saying that sometimes, if you study the object, you may find yourself genuinely interested in it when before it was all scary and weird. You have a reason and motivation to do it, so why not try?
I think, that if your case is about just general nervousness and old fears / trauma - you should give BDSM a chance. Maybe you'll like it. Maybe you won't, but trying is not hurting you, hopefully.

First thing is, you should ask yourself - what exactly are you not okay with. Simplify the problem. What is not ok with wearing a collar? Try to organize and analyze your emotions regarding each of the things in the deal.
It may be a trust issue, like you are afraid that he will abuse you or hurt you. It may be something else entirely. You need to understand yourself first.
Don't try to imagine the finished picture of all of his many fantasies being thrown at you. That would be a scary ordeal even for most submissive people - finding out that your partner wants you to be a puppy AND he wants to pee on you AND he wants you to drink from the bowl AND tie you up AND cane your tits AND a hundred more things. It's actually funny, when you think of it, how bad I would look like if I just went out and told ALL my fantasies to a girlfriend all at once. But remember two tings:
1) Fear has big eyes. A lot of those things are not as scary if you take them one by one
2) You have a large leeway where you can adjust the setup, add things and remove others that you absolutely hate - and STILL completely satisfy your partner. When we fantasize we tend to actually bite more than we can chew.

Second step - I would say would be research. Of the particular things he's into and about BDSM scene in general. BDSM is very, very diverse and includes hundreds if not thousands of fetishes and things. And in turn, it is only a small part of Kinky sex world - not all of it is BDSM.
You need to find some good blogs by people who practice those things. Who are newbie-friendly and talk about advices and details, possible pitfals and ways to avoid it.
Ask here, if you have questions, and you will get answers.

When you know what YOU want, when you know a bit about how BDSM things work - you can go forth and have an honest, open talk with him. Discuss your issues. Find out if he's ready to be patient with you, if he's ready to let you go at your own pace, baby-steps. If he's OK if you try and never get there. If he's OK to let you ahve your time, and try things one by one.

Fourth suggestion is kind of growing from the third. Go slow. Try one thing - the most harmless one on the list. Wear a collar outside of sex, see how you feel about it. Wear it during sex, with no other fetishy stuff - just vanilla sex with a collar.
Then try the kneeling thing. Treat it as an exercise, a discovery. Remember that you can always say no and stop it. Include kneeling into vanilla activities - a porn-style blowjob when you kneel on the floor. Or just kneeling in front of him in bed while he undresses you or you kiss.
Simple stuff. Very light stuff.
Then you can try and work from there. Mix things up. Go for two things at once. Do some light roleplay - maybe not go for dog pet play right away, but for something simpler. Maybe even find something that YOU would want him to play for you.

This isn't bound to work. Sometimes you may find that something is a turn-off. It's fine and okay. And in any Kinky relationship there are bound to be sacrifices, a consensus, hard and soft limits on both sides. It's fine, it's normal. FInd your place.

No Matter What - remember to respect your own fantasies. If your own fantasy is a tender loving vanilla with candles and teddy bears - make sure he knows it, and that he provides. You can be a hardcore BDSM practitioner and still get all those things. You can play in periods.

Also remember that your relationship STAYS DETACHED FROM KINK. He may end up your Master or whatever, but when it comes to deciding what movie to watch or where to go for vacation - you both are equals and your opinions matter.
Sure there are 24/7 relationships, but they are only for those who want them. The rest of us are normal boyfriends and girlfriends outside of bed.

ow one last advice. If he happens to not want to give you time, to have everything at once or if he pushes you to go faster and further - it's a red flag. I strongly recommend you to be the one who determines the pace of your explorations. As long as you don't cheat and move forward - it's your submission to GIVE, on your own terms - not his to TAKE. Many young dominants won't understand that.

Good luck!

 

[Foli]

If your gut tells you not to engage in certain activities it's wise to be careful with them.
However what you might try is attending a munch with him if there is one he attends regularly. Seeing other people and how they interpreted bdsm and how they are normal, fun people might change your perception of it. There is a woman at my munch who also had severe difficulties with playing with her boyfriend due to severe (non-sexual) childhood abuse. He is not good with words but after talking to other people for a while (we're talking about months here) she found a way that is fulfulling for both her and her boyfriend.
Of course that does not mean the same thing will happen to you. I am friends with both submissive ladies and dominant men and yet the thought of submitting to man makes me feel very uncomfortable. I am most certainly not among the most dominant women in the world but I still don't want to submit. I once tried bottoming with a very good, trusted friend and it only made me aggressive.
And, as I said in the beginning: trust your gut. Mine has never been wrong

 

[cookiecat]

Why can't he accept your issues to keep you around rather than the other way around?

You worked at for a year and a half and had to break up because, apparently, it was a trigger for your past abuse.

BDSM isn't solely about wearing a collar or calling someone Master.

I'd question why you want him back. Does he want you back??

 

[Nezhul]

Why can't he accept your issues to keep you around rather than the other way around?

As I said before, to some people their fetishes are so paramount that they become a deal breaker.
It doesn't mean he doesn't love her! Doesn't mean he won't be a good husband material or something. It's just that he may have soemthing that he needs so much that he would rather be friends with her and marry someone else than forgo it.

Of course it's equally likely that he may be a common douche. We have no way to tell, and I'm just telling you a scenario in which his lack of willingless to sacrifice his fetishes is totally justified.

Imagine your favorite thing to do in the world. Maybe favorite food, or a hobby. Or even the ability to be satisfied in bed.
Now imagine you were told that you can't have it, ever again, to be able to marry a person you love.
Sure, some can make such a sacrifice. But some will chose to stay friends instead - still get to spend time with that person but not as a spouse.
Imagine never being satisfied in bed with your spouse.

And don't give me things like "If he loved her enough, he would do this and that." Because everything can be turned around like that.

I think, in this situation her lack of desire to submit is not more important then his desire for kink. It's a mismatch where both parties are equally right. The way you go about it - is find a consensus, an agreement that will leave both satisfied in the best way possible. Sacrificing can be part of this agreement, but it's totally OK if it's not.

 

[cookiecat]

Ummm, yeah. That's what I wanted her to ask herself. You put a lot words in my mouth, which you so often do, Nezhul. You're exhausting.

Did I give you a thing like "if he loved her enough?" No.

Please stop lecturing.

 

[LiamHDunn]

Just my two cents.

There is an old proverb that goes, 'Men marry women hoping they won't change, women marry men hoping they will; both will be disappointed.'

Can he change to suit you, to be who you'd like him to be? Almost certainly. Can you change to be his perfect mate? Again, almost certainly. But why should either of you alter who you are for someone else's happiness when it is all but certain that someone out there, likely numerous someones, are already the mate/partner for whom you're each searching.

Changing to fit someone else, especially something so fundamental as our sexual identity, brings with it the risk of resentment.

You can love someone, be mutually compatible in most every way, and still not be right for each other.

 

[Nezhul]

Ummm, yeah. That's what I wanted her to ask herself. You put a lot words in my mouth, which you so often do, Nezhul. You're exhausting.

Did I give you a thing like "if he loved her enough?" No.

Please stop lecturing.

I'm not lecturing and not putting words in YOUR mouth. But knowing people, someone is bound to think of "If he loves you enough". Not necessarily you, but I've seen this argument A LOT on these forums. Inevitably someone rides in on a pink unicorn and says "He should accept you how you are!". Even though this solves zero problems.

I just saw your "Why can't he accept" and explained why in some cases this may not be the best solution.

Also I don't think you can ask the question "Why do you want him back?". Clearly she wants it enough to create this thread. For whatever reasons. All we can do is try and help her understand her options and possible consequences.
As for "Does he want her back" - it's for the two of them to decide. This is beyond her control anyway, and there's nothing she can do to change it, so you can't give any advice on that part. From what we are told - the gentleman in question is so much of an unknown that he can be anyone. All we know is his fetishes, which tells absolutely nothing.

 

[KimGordon67]

I used to date this guy who is into bdsm, I didn't know he was into it when we got together. I stayed with him anyway hoping that he would drop the lifestyle. He didn't and a year and 1/2 later we broke up because I am not into it and couldn't let myself do that stuff because I have been abused in the past and I just can't see myself wearing a collar or calling him master like I'm a dog. My problem is that we are still good friends and I still love him very much and would like to get back together with him. I have a huge trust issue as far as men are concerned and I just don't know if I can bring myself to do those kinds of things just to be with him. Is there anything I can do to be able to accept the lifestyle so I can be with him?

I actually think there's way too little information here for anyone to really provide any helpful advice. But reading between the very few lines that are here ... you're right in that anything on the bdsm spectrum does require a great deal of trust - well, it does for me anyway - and if you're starting from a position of have difficulties with trusting men in general, that's quite a handicap. Having said that, the fact you both clearly care for each other a lot is something.

I guess there might be some ground for compromise. Like, if you don't want a collar, or to call anyone Master (and I'm totally with you there), then those specific things aren't on the table. But maybe there's stuff on the spectrum that you do enjoy? Being restrained is always an easy one - and if you have trust issues, use something you can get out of if you really need to. (I use cuffs that are made of industrial strength velcro - they don't give with any force I pull against them with, and I feel totally restrained when they're on, but I know that if I really needed to get them undone, I'd be out of them in 30 seconds. Sure, maybe I'm bending whatever 'rule' there is about being restrained, but I'm OK with that.) So maybe stay away from the 'lists' of bdsm stuff, and just do the things that you both enjoy ...

I am with Cookie, in that really I don't think you should have to compromise to make him happy ... but it does sort of sound like the two of you want to be together, and this is maybe the only hurdle there is ... and I'm a sucker for a good love story. So, in short, I don't really think you should compromise at all, but maybe just dig around a bit and see if there's something in that box of tricks that you actually do enjoy.
But if it all triggers you, or if you're just not into any of it, you shouldn't feel obligated. Personally, I actually can't have sex with someone who's just doing something to make me happy if they're not really into it too.

I'm not even sure if this post really says anything useful, or even interesting ... but you never know.

 

[Farawyn]

I'm not lecturing and not putting words in YOUR mouth. But knowing people, someone is bound to think of "If he loves you enough". Not necessarily you, but I've seen this argument A LOT on these forums. Inevitably someone rides in on a pink unicorn and says "He should accept you how you are!". Even though this solves zero problems.

I just saw your "Why can't he accept" and explained why in some cases this may not be the best solution.

Also I don't think you can ask the question "Why do you want him back?". Clearly she wants it enough to create this thread. For whatever reasons. All we can do is try and help her understand her options and possible consequences.
As for "Does he want her back" - it's for the two of them to decide. This is beyond her control anyway, and there's nothing she can do to change it, so you can't give any advice on that part. From what we are told - the gentleman in question is so much of an unknown that he can be anyone. All we know is his fetishes, which tells absolutely nothing.

You are exhausting.

Which sucks, because I do agree with a lot of what you say.
When someone makes a point here, you don’t need to extrapolate what you think we mean for the OP. Or for ourselves.
We are big girls and we know how to talk good.

Just chill a bit. Please.

 

[Farawyn]

I actually think there's way too little information here for anyone to really provide any helpful advice. But reading between the very few lines that are here ... you're right in that anything on the bdsm spectrum does require a great deal of trust - well, it does for me anyway - and if you're starting from a position of have difficulties with trusting men in general, that's quite a handicap. Having said that, the fact you both clearly care for each other a lot is something.

I guess there might be some ground for compromise. Like, if you don't want a collar, or to call anyone Master (and I'm totally with you there), then those specific things aren't on the table. But maybe there's stuff on the spectrum that you do enjoy? Being restrained is always an easy one - and if you have trust issues, use something you can get out of if you really need to. (I use cuffs that are made of industrial strength velcro - they don't give with any force I pull against them with, and I feel totally restrained when they're on, but I know that if I really needed to get them undone, I'd be out of them in 30 seconds. Sure, maybe I'm bending whatever 'rule' there is about being restrained, but I'm OK with that.) So maybe stay away from the 'lists' of bdsm stuff, and just do the things that you both enjoy ...

I am with Cookie, in that really I don't think you should have to compromise to make him happy ... but it does sort of sound like the two of you want to be together, and this is maybe the only hurdle there is ... and I'm a sucker for a good love story. So, in short, I don't really think you should compromise at all, but maybe just dig around a bit and see if there's something in that box of tricks that you actually do enjoy.
But if it all triggers you, or if you're just not into any of it, you shouldn't feel obligated. Personally, I actually can't have sex with someone who's just doing something to make me happy if they're not really into it too.

I'm not even sure if this post really says anything useful, or even interesting ... but you never know.

*tackles*

There you are.

 

[John Blackhawk]

I used to date this guy who is into bdsm, I didn't know he was into it when we got together. I stayed with him anyway hoping that he would drop the lifestyle. He didn't and a year and 1/2 later we broke up because I am not into it and couldn't let myself do that stuff because I have been abused in the past and I just can't see myself wearing a collar or calling him master like I'm a dog. My problem is that we are still good friends and I still love him very much and would like to get back together with him. I have a huge trust issue as far as men are concerned and I just don't know if I can bring myself to do those kinds of things just to be with him. Is there anything I can do to be able to accept the lifestyle so I can be with him?

first like thefishfryer said you have to want to and it sounds like you don't. That aside i'd say examine if there are bdsm activies you would like to try and try doing some of them with him if he's willing. Second a bdsm relationship will only work with the guy if you can trust him to respect the boundries you set down.

 

[HisArpy]

*tackles*

There you are.

Mud or jello?

I ask 'cuz the pay-per-view tickets are worth more if it's jello.

 

[HisArpy]

I used to date this guy who is into bdsm, I didn't know he was into it when we got together. I stayed with him anyway hoping that he would drop the lifestyle. He didn't and a year and 1/2 later we broke up because I am not into it and couldn't let myself do that stuff because I have been abused in the past and I just can't see myself wearing a collar or calling him master like I'm a dog. My problem is that we are still good friends and I still love him very much and would like to get back together with him. I have a huge trust issue as far as men are concerned and I just don't know if I can bring myself to do those kinds of things just to be with him. Is there anything I can do to be able to accept the lifestyle so I can be with him?

If you can't stomach the guys habits, which it appears you can't, then trying again and again and again won't change anything.

Go find a nice guy who will mesh with you and what you want in life. For you, this guy is not him.

 

[Nezhul]

Farawyn
If I frustrate you - you will just have to suck it up. Because I don't agree with a lot of what YOU guys are saying - I'm not running around telling people to stop posting like they are doing it.

Who's lecturing who here? It seems to me YOU are trying to lectureme. Right back at you - Chill. I didn't say anything wrong to you - you just disagreed and decided you are justified to try and make a drama out of it.

 

[Nezhul]

If you can't stomach the guys habits, which it appears you can't, then trying again and again and again won't change anything.

If you put it that way - maybe. Then again, the OP didn't ask you if she should try to restart the relationship. She asked for advices about how she can get into the lifestyle to try and remove the hurdle that's messing it up.
It's a legit way to solve the problem. I don't think you are qualified to tell the OP if she should try it or not, which you seem to have done instead of answering the original question.

Also, just because currently she's not into it - doesn't mean she never will be. I sometimes am reluctant to start readin a certain book that everyone recommends me - because I'm prejudiced towards it or because I don't understand the appeal. Then I absolutely love it. BDSM is kind of the same deal - a lot of people don't understand it, or have wrong picture in their head. Doesn't mean they shouldn't try.
OP has a legit reason to be prejudiced or hesitant - she was abused before. But even that reason doesn't mean she will 100% never like it. I say there IS a good chance she will find at least some practices arousing, if she researches.

I think that OP is very brave for even considering such a solution.

 

[Farawyn]

Farawyn
If I frustrate you - you will just have to suck it up. Because I don't agree with a lot of what YOU guys are saying - I'm not running around telling people to stop posting like they are doing it.

Who's lecturing who here? It seems to me YOU are trying to lectureme. Right back at you - Chill. I didn't say anything wrong to you - you just disagreed and decided you are justified to try and make a drama out of it.

Oh, good lord!

A few of us have asked you this in the past. If you are saying no, that’s fine.
Carry on.

 

[Nezhul]

You just can't stop, can you?

 

[Farawyn]

You just can't stop, can you?

I’ll stop when you stop.

 

[HisArpy]

If you put it that way - maybe. Then again, the OP didn't ask you if she should try to restart the relationship. She asked for advices about how she can get into the lifestyle to try and remove the hurdle that's messing it up.
It's a legit way to solve the problem. I don't think you are qualified to tell the OP if she should try it or not, which you seem to have done instead of answering the original question.

Also, just because currently she's not into it - doesn't mean she never will be. I sometimes am reluctant to start readin a certain book that everyone recommends me - because I'm prejudiced towards it or because I don't understand the appeal. Then I absolutely love it. BDSM is kind of the same deal - a lot of people don't understand it, or have wrong picture in their head. Doesn't mean they shouldn't try.
OP has a legit reason to be prejudiced or hesitant - she was abused before. But even that reason doesn't mean she will 100% never like it. I say there IS a good chance she will find at least some practices arousing, if she researches.

I think that OP is very brave for even considering such a solution.

Did you miss this part?

Is there anything I can do to be able to accept the lifestyle so I can be with him? (emphasis added.)

Because that's the last line of the OP. So, she IS trying to restart a relationship with someone she doesn't trust, while she isn't into BDSM, doesn't believe she CAN BE into the lifestyle practices, and has been abused in the past which will/does inhibit what she will and won't do or accept.

These are major hurdles. Major. As in almost insurmountable because they are HARD LIMITS. Yet you advocate she ignore all of that and go forward anyway? Wow.

What I read here is someone hanging on to their past in the hopes that she can make it work in the future because the current prospects are slim, none and lonely. We all know how that turns out in a NORMAL relationship, which this would not be even under the best of circumstances given her hard limits.

On top of that, trying to resurrect a failed relationship is like trying to eat week old leftovers you didn't like the first time. Eventually, everyone has to learn to just move on. It's called being an adult, no matter what lifestyle you live.

 

[Nezhul]

Did you miss this part?

Is there anything I can do to be able to accept the lifestyle so I can be with him? (emphasis added.)

Because that's the last line of the OP.

Does it matter for which purpose she does it? Maybe she loves him this much. You aren't one to judge, you know. It's her life, not yours. Maybe YOU would be too proud to try and change for your loved one - but many people do it, and some achieve great results.

she IS trying to restart a relationship with someone she doesn't trust

Uh-huh. Where'd you get that from? You don't know this. The only thing she said is that she had issues because she was abused before. You don't know anything about how she does or does not tryst him.

while she isn't into BDSM, doesn't believe she CAN BE into the lifestyle practices

And yet she decided to try and learn. It's not guaranteed to work, but it's much better than just giving up!
Or can't you understand it?
Also, there are a ton of ways how someone can be turned off by BDSM because of fear or ignorance. I hope that in this forum everyone are clear about one thing - that BDSM is not quite about abuse, slavery, dungeons and cruelty. And that's pretty much how your random non-kinky person views it.

These are major hurdles. Major. As in almost insurmountable because they are HARD LIMITS.

You don't know this, again.
Hard Limits - is something one sets up by being educated and clearly understanding what are the options and what is on the table. I don't get this vibe here. OP is a newbie who wants to learn - at least learn the theory and decide if she wants to try it in practice.
Yes, naturally she has hard limits. But look, the description of her guy's kinks is really vague. You don't even know if those hard limitc can be worked around, yet you are so fast to put a cross on other people's relationship which is clearly passionate enough to get them together again.

You assume a lot of things right away.

What I read here is someone hanging on to their past in the hopes that she can make it work in the future because the current prospects are slim, none and lonely.

What you read here is someone who wants to restart a relationship.
Who recognizes the problem that led to breaking up.
Who recognizes ways of solving that problem.

You can tell NOTHING about their relationship beyond that. Yet in your hypocrisy you are quick to finish the picture that you've been shown a rough draft of, and judge.

We were talking about putting words in someone's mouths just now. You've just put a NOVEL in the mouth of the OP, and accepted it as fact, then judged their relationship based on that fantasy.
Don't get me wrong, you MAY be right. But it's the fact that you aren't even accounting for a possibility that you may be wrong is what disturbs me. You are giving advice that can break people's lives here, split a pair apart - a pair that could work.
Do you really feel you are that smart to do such a thing? I think not.

I think it's important to inform the OP of the problems there are with her idea, with restarting the relationship. But I think it's also important to equip the person who asks a question with the answer to that question, instead of playing dolls with her life.

On top of that, trying to resurrect a failed relationship is like trying to eat week old leftovers you didn't like the first time.

You are so narrow-minded.
You don't even know how the relationship ended. Yet you drew yourself a dark picture and operate on that.
Is every "failed" relationship is a final sentence? No, it isn't. People break up and come back together all the time, and they make families and live a happy life. People are able to WORK through their issues instead of giving up.
You know that?
Sometimes, a time-out is just what is needed to make people understand how good they suit each other. Other times not.

But again, you are final in your sentence. You have a 200-word long post, yet you have evaluated the entire relationship of two people and made your verdict.
It honestly makes me sick.

Eventually, everyone has to learn to just move on.

Eventually, everyone needs to learn WHEN to move on, or when it's worth to stop and think, or maybe even backtrack a little. People are prone to mistakes, and not all mistakes should be forgotten and moved on from. Some mistakes should be remedied - a concept you seem to not understand.
If you are only moving on - you are but a lemming that runs towards the edge of your cliff.

You are calling yourself an adult, but that's just words. Life isn't about being adult. It's about being smart about your actions. The world is not one-dimentional as you paint it to be.

I’ll stop when you stop.

...
Another adult here.

 

[HisArpy]

Does it matter for which purpose she does it? Maybe she loves him this much. You aren't one to judge, you know. It's her life, not yours. Maybe YOU would be too proud to try and change for your loved one - but many people do it, and some achieve great results.

Uh-huh. Where'd you get that from? You don't know this. The only thing she said is that she had issues because she was abused before. You don't know anything about how she does or does not tryst him.

And yet she decided to try and learn. It's not guaranteed to work, but it's much better than just giving up!
Or can't you understand it?
Also, there are a ton of ways how someone can be turned off by BDSM because of fear or ignorance. I hope that in this forum everyone are clear about one thing - that BDSM is not quite about abuse, slavery, dungeons and cruelty. And that's pretty much how your random non-kinky person views it.

You don't know this, again.
Hard Limits - is something one sets up by being educated and clearly understanding what are the options and what is on the table. I don't get this vibe here. OP is a newbie who wants to learn - at least learn the theory and decide if she wants to try it in practice.
Yes, naturally she has hard limits. But look, the description of her guy's kinks is really vague. You don't even know if those hard limitc can be worked around, yet you are so fast to put a cross on other people's relationship which is clearly passionate enough to get them together again.

You assume a lot of things right away.

What you read here is someone who wants to restart a relationship.
Who recognizes the problem that led to breaking up.
Who recognizes ways of solving that problem.

You can tell NOTHING about their relationship beyond that. Yet in your hypocrisy you are quick to finish the picture that you've been shown a rough draft of, and judge.

We were talking about putting words in someone's mouths just now. You've just put a NOVEL in the mouth of the OP, and accepted it as fact, then judged their relationship based on that fantasy.
Don't get me wrong, you MAY be right. But it's the fact that you aren't even accounting for a possibility that you may be wrong is what disturbs me. You are giving advice that can break people's lives here, split a pair apart - a pair that could work.
Do you really feel you are that smart to do such a thing? I think not.

I think it's important to inform the OP of the problems there are with her idea, with restarting the relationship. But I think it's also important to equip the person who asks a question with the answer to that question, instead of playing dolls with her life.

You are so narrow-minded.
You don't even know how the relationship ended. Yet you drew yourself a dark picture and operate on that.
Is every "failed" relationship is a final sentence? No, it isn't. People break up and come back together all the time, and they make families and live a happy life. People are able to WORK through their issues instead of giving up.
You know that?
Sometimes, a time-out is just what is needed to make people understand how good they suit each other. Other times not.

But again, you are final in your sentence. You have a 200-word long post, yet you have evaluated the entire relationship of two people and made your verdict.
It honestly makes me sick.

Eventually, everyone needs to learn WHEN to move on, or when it's worth to stop and think, or maybe even backtrack a little. People are prone to mistakes, and not all mistakes should be forgotten and moved on from. Some mistakes should be remedied - a concept you seem to not understand.
If you are only moving on - you are but a lemming that runs towards the edge of your cliff.

You are calling yourself an adult, but that's just words. Life isn't about being adult. It's about being smart about your actions. The world is not one-dimentional as you paint it to be.

...
Another adult here.

You think, you say, you believe. Yet you, like myself, know nothing except what the OP put here for us to read. At least I read all of it.

Talk about writing a novel...