question about sexual desire

[grayncute]

My wife and I have been having sex for about 2 and a half years now. for the first while up till she gave birth to our daughter (a year and 3 months ago now) she had quite a bit of sexual appetite and was always up for sex(she was hornier than me to put it bluntly). and after our daughter was born, she stopped really wanting to have sex. at first I figured it was just some form of postpautum (sp?) depression, but, this long? she almost never initiates sex (maybe 2 or 3 times in all that time) and most of the other times were when she was "somewhat ok" with having sex, but she never was really into it except for a few minutes towards the end.

We have talked about it, and she doesn't know why it is. She told me outright that it wasn't because I was bad and that I was the only one she'd slept with that actually gave her at least one orgasm every time. so I was wondering if you guys (and gals ) had any idea what it might be and what we could do.

Um, also, another thing is that most of the time now, she can only handle one orgasm, and then she just doesn't want to do anything more than hug each other and kiss.

any help would be appreciated thanks in advance.

 

[Gilly Bean]

What is she taking for Birth Control?

 

[hogjack]

My wife and I have been having sex for about 2 and a half years now. ......

Shoot, and I thought a couple of hours was a long time! I bow to your stamina.



Seriously, hope there are some solutions that can help you in your dilemna.

 

[grayncute]

lol, 2 years and a half? hm, maybe some of the greek gods did that...but I don't think anybody....who needs to sleep...could!

um, she's not the one who's on birth control, I'm in a study group for new birthcontrol stuff for men, so that's not the problem. she was on birth control for a couple months after she gave birth, but she was so bad at remembering the pills that I joined a study for it, since there's really not much out for guys except taking hot water baths 10 mins a day(mostly effective, but not a good idea), condoms, pulling out, and vasectomy... in case anybody's curious, link to a site that keeps track of studies/tests and stuff on bc for men is www.malecontraceptives.org .

 

[Zilla]

After my son was born, my libido was pretty much non-existant for a few months...but it was quite temporary. It came back with full force around the same time I quit breastfeeding. I'm not sure if there is a connection there or not. Did your wife breastfeed? If so, how long?

 

[Gilly Bean]

Every woman is different, and their bodies can change from time to time.

When you go through something like a pregnancy, your body has an influx of hormones that you are un-used to. This can be something that sticks round after, or goes away.

With my first pregnancy, I didn't really notice much change in my libido at all, but I wasn't in a relationship for most of it, so I might have gone down a bit, might have gone up a bit.

With #2, my libido crashed down to the ground within a month or two of getting pregnant, and it didn't come back until my son was about 14 months old. I just had no interest in it. Now, part of that may have been that i was taking depo-provera at the time, but I had taken it before, and had noticed no change. My libido came back when I stopped, but it also co-incided with a few other things.


With #3, I think I may have been a bit hornier at times, while at others, I wasn't.

All the hormones that come through our bodies can affect quite a bit, and can last for a while.



Because I went through a time when I didn't want anything to do with sex, I'll give you 2 peices of advice. The first is in dealing with the wife:

Be paitent. Getting mad won't make her want it any more than she does now. Just give her space if she needs it. I know I sure as hell needed it, and resented feeling like I had to have sex with him.

And #2 being: If she feels there is a problem, she should talk to her gyno. There may be something the doc can help with. Or, it might be something he can't help with.

Another thing that does affect it is depression. Not just PPD, but any sort of depression. And yes, PPD can last this long. It can last years, if it's not treated. Do you think she may be depressed?

There are several signs to look for, because if she is, chances are, she won't tell you. Many people won't tell a soul that they are depressed, because it feels 'wrong'. When I used to hide my depression, I thought that I had no reason to be depressed, and that no one would believe me, or they would think I was being selfish.

Anyway, things to look for: Being withdrawn, not wanting to spend time out and doing things, losing interest in old hobbies, being unresponsive, just seeiming 'down'.

I -think- at Zoloft.com, they have a test you can take to decide if you should talk with a doctor.


Anyway, good luck, and sorry to ramble on for so long

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

SNAP!

All the hormones that come through our bodies can affect quite a bit, and can last for a while.



Because I went through a time when I didn't want anything to do with sex, I'll give you 2 peices of advice. The first is in dealing with the wife:

Be paitent. Getting mad won't make her want it any more than she does now. Just give her space if she needs it. I know I sure as hell needed it, and resented feeling like I had to have sex with him.

And #2 being: If she feels there is a problem, she should talk to her gyno. There may be something the doc can help with. Or, it might be something he can't help with.

Another thing that does affect it is depression. Not just PPD, but any sort of depression. And yes, PPD can last this long. It can last years, if it's not treated. Do you think she may be depressed?

There are several signs to look for, because if she is, chances are, she won't tell you. Many people won't tell a soul that they are depressed, because it feels 'wrong'. When I used to hide my depression, I thought that I had no reason to be depressed, and that no one would believe me, or they would think I was being selfish.

Anyway, things to look for: Being withdrawn, not wanting to spend time out and doing things, losing interest in old hobbies, being unresponsive, just seeiming 'down'.

I -think- at Zoloft.com, they have a test you can take to decide if you should talk with a doctor.

Exactly my thoughts as well Gilly Bean. Her disinterest in sex could be a result in abnormal hormone levels in her body. Speaking from my experience, I went thru not only lower sexual drive, but depression also because I had a hormonal imbalance caused by problems I was having with my uterus and ovaries. Different situation, I know; but all the same the culprit was hormones.
Since then, I've had the much needed hysterectomy and gotten on hormones and.......I take Wellbutrin. I can't speak on behalf of Zoloft, but I can say that the Wellbutrin helps stave off those dark feelings of depression, and keeps my libido in high gear as well!. Weeeehhhhoooo!


-kym- taking my little purple pill every day!

 

[BlueDaisy]

Zoloft sucks. Hubby got on it and it totally killed his libido. I take Zoloft and it takes me forever to orgasm, if even at all.

Doc stopped hubby's Zoloft and put him on Wellbutrin; sex drive returning some.

 

[grayncute]

ok, thanks for all the replies everybody. I don't think that my wife's depressed, she's usually happy and has fun doing stuff. and don't worry,I haven't been pushing her to have sex with me, um, I guess that it's either her hormonal balance or whatso. well, thanks for the help everyone guess that I'll have to try to convince her to go to her gyn. she hates going to doctors and dentists unless she HAS to lol *rolls eyes*

 

[Sabledrake]

I agree with all that's been said about hormonal changes and depression and such.

But another factor might be that with a kid that young in the house, right at the age where said kid is most likely walking and really getting into things, she could just be so TIRED that by bedtime, all she wants is sleep.

Speaking from experience, it's damned hard for some women to shift gears to be sexy after chasing a toddler around, picking up toys, changing dipes, and all that.

Assuming, of course, that that's what the household/childcare arrangements are like. I also know what it's like to work all day, come home, be Mommy all evening, and have nothing left by bedtime.

Sabledrake

 

[Gilly Bean]

Zoloft sucks. Hubby got on it and it totally killed his libido. I take Zoloft and it takes me forever to orgasm, if even at all.

Doc stopped hubby's Zoloft and put him on Wellbutrin; sex drive returning some.

That was my problem on Zoloft... Hubby would go down on me, and it would take nearly 30 minutes to get me off, or not at all. I hated it.

bad bad Zoloft!

 

[Zilla]

I'm on Wellbutrin and it doesn't seem to affect my libido at all. It's a great anti-depressant.

 

[BlueDaisy]

That was my problem on Zoloft... Hubby would go down on me, and it would take nearly 30 minutes to get me off, or not at all. I hated it.

bad bad Zoloft!

Yeah. When we attempt sex (of whichever variety) or I masturbate and finally have to give up, or am exhausted by the time I finally do cum....I always say "damn Zoloft". There have been times when I've tried for over an hour to cum and not been able to.

I attempted to wean myself off of Zoloft recently. I take 200 mg. daily. I'd gotten myself down to 50 mg. a day when I started getting depressed again. But I could have orgasms more easily! Unfortunately, I had to choose....being happy or having orgasms. Being happy just barely won out. I go to the doc again next month. She and I are going to have a discussion about this.

 

[BlueDaisy]

I'm on Wellbutrin and it doesn't seem to affect my libido at all. It's a great anti-depressant.

That is why the doc switched hubby to Wellbutrin instead of Zoloft.

I take Wellbutrin, too, in addition to Zoloft. I've got major depression problems.

 

[peachykeen]

But another factor might be that with a kid that young in the house, right at the age where said kid is most likely walking and really getting into things, she could just be so TIRED that by bedtime, all she wants is sleep.

Speaking from experience, it's damned hard for some women to shift gears to be sexy after chasing a toddler around, picking up toys, changing dipes, and all that.

Assuming, of course, that that's what the household/childcare arrangements are like. I also know what it's like to work all day, come home, be Mommy all evening, and have nothing left by bedtime.

this is what I was thinking. It's not all that easy to go from being Mom to Supervixen in one evening. If you've spent half the day cleaning up kid puke, ya tend not to feel very sexy.

 

[Guest]

I agree with all that's been said about hormonal changes and depression and such.

But another factor might be that with a kid that young in the house, right at the age where said kid is most likely walking and really getting into things, she could just be so TIRED that by bedtime, all she wants is sleep.

Speaking from experience, it's damned hard for some women to shift gears to be sexy after chasing a toddler around, picking up toys, changing dipes, and all that.

Assuming, of course, that that's what the household/childcare arrangements are like. I also know what it's like to work all day, come home, be Mommy all evening, and have nothing left by bedtime.

Sabledrake

I think this plays into all of it too . Very well said! This too can lead to depression. All work and no play zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz .

 

[grayncute]

about being too tired at night...my wife goes to sleep about 3 hours after our daughter does. that would seem to indicate she isn't tired, and she also does exercises for a while a few nights a week. also, our daughter is usually pretty good, she's really independent unless she falls and goes bang on something when she's walking, and then we hold her for a little bit, then she goes off again. I'm home pretty often (work an avg of 6, 7 hours a day 4 days a week) and when I am, I take care of becki quite a bit.

so I'm going with the theory that her hormones are still messed up since she's not tired at night or anything like that.

well, thank you all for your input! I appreciate it.

 

[peachykeen]

Umm.... "tired" and "sleepy" don't neccessarily mean the same thing...


I really hope your wife never reads that last post or she's liable to smack you upside the head LOL.

 

[grayncute]

lol, you haven't met my wife...when she gets tired, she takes a cat nap. and yea she'd prolly slap me upside my head lol. but she'd just be amused we're always teasing each other about silly stuff but yea I kinda see your point. lol, I keep getting distracted writing this since my daugher's being so silly trying on hats and babbling about it anyways, I'll show my wife what you guys have said and I'll be sure to duck thanks for the advance warning!

 

[SlickTony]

Zoloft sucks. Hubby got on it and it totally killed his libido. I take Zoloft and it takes me forever to orgasm, if even at all.

That's exactly the same experience I had with Zoloft. And part of the reason that it took me forever to come with Zoloft was that for some reason, I could not keep an erotic thought in my head. They'd all just kind of slip away. I had difficulty even coming by myself, that's how bad it was. Eventually, the libido started to come back in a half-assed sort of way, but it was never as strong as it was without Zoloft. If I were to get on an antidepressant again, it would be something else, maybe Wellbutrin since I seem to hear good things about it.

That reminds me, my son is on two different antidepressants, to counter the depressive effects of the Adderalls he's on, and I have been wondering for a long time whether they're delaying his puberty. He started on the Fluoxetine several years ago, and his neurologist put him on Elavil for the migraines he'd started getting. His dad says that he started puberty late himself (our son is 14) and doesn't plan to worry about this for another year.

But I almost forgot what I was going to comment on. It is completely normal for your libido to shut down after you've had a baby. For one thing, never mind the hormones and stuff; just remember all the jokes you've ever heard from women about how a man might be able to compare giving birth to, say, shitting a football. For weeks I felt fragile and torn and boggled out of shape down there. The episiotomies didn't help.

In fact, I am convinced that even after your libido comes back, your nerves in that area are never in quite the same shape again. I honestly think some of them get stretched and break, the same way you'll see little rubber filaments break and come out on the elastic waistband of something you've really, really stretched out.

As for advice--what the others said: be patient, things will be more nearly back to normal if you give them time.

 

[BlueDaisy]

That's exactly the same experience I had with Zoloft. And part of the reason that it took me forever to come with Zoloft was that for some reason, I could not keep an erotic thought in my head. They'd all just kind of slip away. I had difficulty even coming by myself, that's how bad it was. Eventually, the libido started to come back in a half-assed sort of way, but it was never as strong as it was without Zoloft. If I were to get on an antidepressant again, it would be something else, maybe Wellbutrin since I seem to hear good things about it.

That reminds me, my son is on two different antidepressants, to counter the depressive effects of the Adderalls he's on, and I have been wondering for a long time whether they're delaying his puberty. He started on the Fluoxetine several years ago, and his neurologist put him on Elavil for the migraines he'd started getting. His dad says that he started puberty late himself (our son is 14) and doesn't plan to worry about this for another year.

But I almost forgot what I was going to comment on. It is completely normal for your libido to shut down after you've had a baby. For one thing, never mind the hormones and stuff; just remember all the jokes you've ever heard from women about how a man might be able to compare giving birth to, say, shitting a football. For weeks I felt fragile and torn and boggled out of shape down there. The episiotomies didn't help.

In fact, I am convinced that even after your libido comes back, your nerves in that area are never in quite the same shape again. I honestly think some of them get stretched and break, the same way you'll see little rubber filaments break and come out on the elastic waistband of something you've really, really stretched out.

As for advice--what the others said: be patient, things will be more nearly back to normal if you give them time.

Tony, I didn't realize that Adderall has depressant effects. I take it (for ADD), and I don't notice anything like that. Of course, with the antidepressants I'm already on, I guess I wouldn't! DUH! *slapping myself upside the head*
I take: Zoloft and Wellbutrin for depression; Adderall for ADD; Depakote for moodswings (I haven't been diagnosed as bipolar, but my daughter has, and we suspect that I am). Oh...and synthroid because of hypothyroidism. I'm just a walking wreck! LOL!

I can relate to your wife's situation. Our first 2 children came at the same time (twins). We didn't know, either, that I had sleep apnea. I was a walking zombie for years until I was tested and diagnosed in '99. I didn't have much sex drive, either. In fact, it is a miracle that our son was even conceived (the girls are 17; he is 9). We didn't have sex very often and I took BCPs. One night we had sex and didn't remember until the next morning to take my pill. Wham....preggo.

Ok....I think I'm getting off track here. I'll shut up for now.

 

[SlickTony]

I'm just a walking wreck! LOL!

Walking pharmacopias, is what we are. What with my son's Adderall, fluoxetine, zyprexas, amytryptaline (generic Elavil) and my HRTs, we just gotta pray that we keep our jobs and the healthcare system doesn't implode.

 

[BlueDaisy]

Walking pharmacopias, is what we are. What with my son's Adderall, fluoxetine, zyprexas, amytryptaline (generic Elavil) and my HRTs, we just gotta pray that we keep our jobs and the healthcare system doesn't implode.

LOL! Well, my daughters take zyprexa. Name it, we probably take it. lol

Well, we'll be ok as long as Congress doesn't screw with the military medical care too much more. But I worry about my bipolar daughter...she will be 18 next Jan and likely won't even graduate (GED for her probably).

 

[SlickTony]

I just recently went to a diploma conference WRT my son, who's ADD and has Asperger's syndrome, and everybody's recommending the "special" diploma, which means that it looks almost identical to the standard one, but if he wanted to start college he'd have to take the GED and start at a community college. As far as the military is concerned, the Adderall (and before that, the dexedrines, the Concertas, the Metadates and I forget what all else have put paid to that unless they change their criteria. You wonder where they're going to get personnel, when I see so many mother's sons (and daughters) on some kind of med.

 

[James G 5]

I just recently went to a diploma conference WRT my son, who's ADD and has Asperger's syndrome, and everybody's recommending the "special" diploma, which means that it looks almost identical to the standard one, but if he wanted to start college he'd have to take the GED and start at a community college. As far as the military is concerned, the Adderall (and before that, the dexedrines, the Concertas, the Metadates and I forget what all else have put paid to that unless they change their criteria. You wonder where they're going to get personnel, when I see so many mother's sons (and daughters) on some kind of med.

And most of them needlessly so so *shaking my head* not saying that there aren't those who dont' need them, but like the anti-antidepressant rant I just laid out in another thread, FAR too many people are medicating their lives away in the US
It's unreal how, in a single generation, Americans have been convinced that being a NORMAL person, IE one who has ups & down, occasional lack of attention, some lack of happiness, anxiety, etc (especially a normal boy/male teen, who WAY too many of are on meds nowadays) is some sort of medical problem
Especially witht he kids who might not have had serious problems BEFORE the went on the med,s and who from being on the meds don't learn to deal with their issues WITHOUT them......I am what would be classified as ADHD and I learned theu discipline, martial arts, and hard knocks how to work around it. If I'd been on the drugs, I'd have never learned & would've needed the pharmacy cocktail for life.

As always, I'm not saying there are SOME people who don't need it long term, and others who need it always
But most people don't need it al ALL and certainly not that way many in this country use it

IMHO, of course