question about patience

[DreamsInSilence]

I'm a newbie to posting, so here goes:

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now, and during that time we've had very little sex. (although this branches farther than sex-- thte most we do is cuddle. No making out, no petting) He talks of having no desire--not that he doesn't want me or doesn't find me attractive--he says this is entirely his problem, not anything I have to be self-conscious about.

I'm thinking this is an extreme form of performance anxiety, but whatever it is, I'm wondering about other's opinions on what you would do in this situation.

I don't want to leave this person, in fact we live together and if I were to be asked to marry him I would say yes, hoping that things will get better in this department or that we could figure out some kind of open relationship.

Would others ditch your SO for something like this? Would you try to find an outside bed partner once per week? What if your partner started gaining the libido back, but wasn't so great on technique, would you try to teach him/her? Would you just resort to getting yourself off and trying not to think about the lack of sex and play?

Thanks, any input is appreciated.
private messages are fine too.

 

[Bandit58]

I married someone hoping the sex would get better once we were married, but it didn't We did have sex, but he was selfish and thought only of himself.

Would others ditch your SO for something like this?

If I'd known then what I know now, I'd say yes.

Would you try to find an outside bed partner once per week?

If it was ok with my partner, I would.

What if your partner started gaining the libido back, but wasn't so great on technique, would you try to teach him/her?

Of course - if he was interested in learning and wanted to please me.

Would you just resort to getting yourself off and trying not to think about the lack of sex and play?

It wouldn't be the lack of sex that would be a problem, it would be the lack of touching, affection and cuddles. I can (and have done so) gone without sex for ages. But something dies inside if there's no intimacy

 

[DreamsInSilence]

Thanks Bandit58,

There is cuddling and laying together and things like that, just nothing really physical. I'm happy on all fronts except for in the bed.

As far as selfishness goes, he isn't selfish at all, so when we do play it isn't all about him.

I'm 90% certain I'm just going to wait and see how things go. Sometimes I'm bothered by the whole thing, other times I don't think about it at all.

Thanks!

 

[human_male]

It wouldn't be the lack of sex that would be a problem, it would be the lack of touching, affection and cuddles. I can (and have done so) gone without sex for ages. But something dies inside if there's no intimacy

Same here on all you said but especially this. Going without sex for the rest of my life wouldn't be that big a deal if I loved the person. But if someone told me I'd have to go without everything else, the intimacy I'd well... I don't think I could face it.

 

[Bandit58]

Thanks Bandit58,

There is cuddling and laying together and things like that, just nothing really physical. I'm happy on all fronts except for in the bed.

As far as selfishness goes, he isn't selfish at all, so when we do play it isn't all about him.

I'm 90% certain I'm just going to wait and see how things go. Sometimes I'm bothered by the whole thing, other times I don't think about it at all.

Thanks!

A small suggestion: If there's cuddling and laying together, why not try playing with a toy while he's holding you? That can be a very intimate experience and gives you sexual relief and the both of you the intimacy that may help strengthen the relationship.

 

[DreamsInSilence]

hmm, I hadn't thought of that. Good idea. =)

 

[PertPerth]

This is something I have spoken and thought about a lot.

I'm a girl, so I feel that intimacy and sex are totally different things, but are connected. My problem is that I have pain during penetration so the best sex I have had was by myself - which is not very emotionally fulfilling. The most fulfilling sex was probably the worst physical experience I've had.

This is something that you need to work out before you marry him. I know many couples who have broken up due to different sex needs. All relationships have to have compromise - and hopefully you can find out what will work for you and your man.

I think the idea that you seek someone else to have sex with is a great idea - assuming that it is okay with him.
The two relationships I have been in I've suggested this - that he seek someone else to have sex with because it's important, but both times there were 'disgusted' (? not sure if that is the right word to use) that I would suggest a thing. So, it's not for everyone.

I don't think that you should just hope that his sex drive will improve - chances are that it will stay as it is now.
Have you told him you need more sex? Maybe you could initiate sex more? Or does this make him feel pressured?

Good luck, DreamsInSilence

 

[PertPerth]

A small suggestion: If there's cuddling and laying together, why not try playing with a toy while he's holding you? That can be a very intimate experience and gives you sexual relief and the both of you the intimacy that may help strengthen the relationship.

That's what me and my ex did when I was too sore - we'd cuddle and he'd play. It worked well for both.

 

[ivantheterrible]

it happens. work out your sex life early in a relationship or spend years not really knowing if you really like having sex with this person.
i spent almost 14 years having little sex with the wife. not knowing what she really liked. and a couple of times not having sex for a year.
then after 14 years, she says she is submissive, but it turns out she is passive/aggressive. not really submissive. complains a lot during sex sort of thing. feel like i am being used to just keep me around. and after a few months of this i realize, espcailly after being around women who show genuine interest in me, i realize i don't really like having sex with the wife.
sort it out early. or question your relationship for years, and come to a late conclusion.
its like having a carrot on the end of a stick, and eventually you can eat the carrot, and realize you don't like carrots.

 

[SweetErika]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now, and during that time we've had very little sex. (although this branches farther than sex-- thte most we do is cuddle. No making out, no petting) He talks of having no desire--not that he doesn't want me or doesn't find me attractive--he says this is entirely his problem, not anything I have to be self-conscious about.

Has he EVER had desire? If so, when did it go away?

Has he done his best to investigate the reason(s) for his lack of desire, both medically and psychologically?

I don't want to leave this person, in fact we live together and if I were to be asked to marry him I would say yes, hoping that things will get better in this department or that we could figure out some kind of open relationship.

That's a really, really bad idea. Find out what other arrangements he's open to and whether you can live with this situation happily long-term before making a further commitment. If you don't, there's a very good chance you'll end up resentful and miserable down the road.

Would others ditch your SO for something like this?

Not if it was short-term and something they were working on, no. Or, long-term, but we were able to make other arrangements.

Would you try to find an outside bed partner once per week?

Knowing myself, if I wanted to stay with my partner long-term, I'd likely need to have the option of going outside the relationship.

Meanwhile, I'd need my primary partner to do everything in their power to meet my needs. That means I couldn't live with someone who could meet my needs, but effectively said, "I'm not going to kiss or touch you. Go get that elsewhere." That'd hurt me in a serious way, knowing they could meet my needs (or at least try their best), but would rather pawn them off on someone else.

What if your partner started gaining the libido back, but wasn't so great on technique, would you try to teach him/her?

Absolutely! They're not going to learn if I don't teach them what I like.

Would you just resort to getting yourself off and trying not to think about the lack of sex and play?

Maybe for a time, but that really only works for a time. It's not a good long term solution for me at least (I'm sure some people can do it; I'm not one of them). A loving relationship requires sexual interaction, affection and physical intimacy...otherwise it's just a friendship.

I've been with my husband for a long time, and we've both had ups and downs sexually. We work through them and do our best to keep ourselves and each other happy through the downs, but I know it wouldn't work if we were in that phase most of the time or didn't try to make it better.

*Maybe* it'll work for you, but if you're already itching, it's unlikely to get better with more time. I think you best bet is to do all you can to work it out and don't sell yourself short by settling for someone who doesn't meet your needs. You might find some help in reading, and even posting in, this thread. I find it depressing, but it's the reality of staying with a sexually incompatible partner long-term.

 

[phelon]

details

The first thing that comes to mind is.... wanting more information:

When you do get to sex, who initiates it?

if you try to start sex does he back it off or co-operate?

during sex has he had performance issues that have occured that might be a clue as to the problem?

do you share your sexual past between you? Perhaps he had a bad partner that has helped him become this way etc....

Does he masturbate without you?

Have you tried porn, softcore, reading lit. stories to each other???

Has he seen his doctor?

::::::::::::::::

now onto suggestions: First of all communication.. He says its his issue...
correct him.. its your issue as a couple because its affecting you as a couple, and you want to help him with it.
then you get to try to get blood from the turnip (yes we guys can be dumb about talking)

Second: timing set aside time for intimacy... even if it doesn't become sex, having couples time that isn;t disturbed by work, chores and the rest of life certainly can help with being in the mood more.

third.. try sneakies.. wake him up to handjobs and blow jobs... put on your best negligee, a touch of perfume, turn on a porn and have your way with yourself after a simple comment that he can watch or join in if he is good....

fourth.. before you tie any knots... get therapy as a couple to solve it, its ok to say yes i want to marry you but i think we need to have therapy before the date to make sure our communication skills can make it last a lifetime.

 

[Zoots_owner]

Ah, I've been through a little of this scenario myself.

Let me pass along a lesson in contract law.

There are two types of contracts, marriage contracts and all others. The difference is that a marriage contract has sex built into it. Any other contract would be made null by involving sex ("meretricious consideration"), but marriage contracts consider it a right. Not having it is grounds for annulment or divorce. If someone makes your spouse unable to fuck, you can sue them ("loss of consortium"). It's a big part of the whole package.

Since we, as a society, don't legally accept polyandry - in fact we consider it grounds for getting totally screwed over in divorce court - I'd encourage you to put a lot of thought into this. Using that one very special and unique contract on someone who isn't interested in fucking is setting yourself up for a major problem. I agree with an earlier poster that this needs to be discussed and resolved before things go too much further.

 

[DreamsInSilence]

Sweet Erika:

Has he EVER had desire? If so, when did it go away?

He has said that this has happened before with a couple other women, both times it was when he was getting really close with them. The relationship we are in now is the longest he's had and the most involved. We were

We wer having the most sex when there was threat to the relationship--I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue it, and during that time we were having regular sex.

Has he done his best to investigate the reason(s) for his lack of desire, both medically and psychologically?

He has talked about going to a doctor but hasn't followed through on that yet. In the last month or so we've been involved with moving into another place, so that coud be why too.


Meanwhile, I'd need my primary partner to do everything in their power to meet my needs. That means I couldn't live with someone who could meet my needs, but effectively said, "I'm not going to kiss or touch you. Go get that elsewhere."

I'm not hurt by what is going on; he has said this is really bothering him and wants to figure out what's wrong.

Phelon:

When you do get to sex, who initiates it?

When we were both interested it was both of us that initiated, although now it's me that initiates although not very often because he has said it makes him feel horrible to not be able to give me anything.

if you try to start sex does he back it off or co-operate?

We haven't had sex all that much because this has been going on for most of the time. We're fine if he is feeling ok, but if not then there's just laying together.

during sex has he had performance issues that have occured that might be a clue as to the problem?

There aren't any performance issues during sex or during blowjobs, so I was thinking this could be a mental thing. Either way, I've asked him to see the appropriate doctor, which he seems to be taking to heart.

do you share your sexual past between you? Perhaps he had a bad partner that has helped him become this way etc....


We both know each other's history, and it seems that this happens when he becomes close with someone. One night stands never posed a problem in the past.

Does he masturbate without you?

yes I'm pretty sure he does, although I haven't outright asked. There was a while where he wasn't interested at all in porn he said, but other times he tells me that things are improving. I think it's an up and down emotional thing.

Have you tried porn, softcore, reading lit. stories to each other???

We haven't tried any of these, I usually don't want to bring the topic up because it makes him feel like shit that we're not fucking like rabbits.

Has he seen his doctor?

He has talked about it, but not done it yet.

As far as the marriage thing goes, I'm thinking ahead on that. This has been the best relationship either of us has ever been in, so I'm just trying to think of all possiblities for the future.

Thanks for your replies, much appreciated!

 

[VFaulkon]

Well, from what I read on your last post, dear OP...

*cracks knuckles, readies amateur psychology*

...it sounds like he's got some trouble with commitment.

"This happened with other serious relationships for him before." "One night stands were never a problem." "This is the longest, and best, relationship either of us has been in."

From what I can tell, he seems very nervous, on a sub-conscious level, that you and he are serious. The deeper in a relationship you get with someone, the more there is at risk if that relationship starts to go under. If a one-night fling doesn't like you, who cares? But if a long-time girlfriend, a fiancee, a wife...?

I doubt this is a conscious thing either. Consciously, he seems like he really cares about you and is frustrated that he can't figure out what's going on. But at the same time, on some level, he's afraid of taking that next step, because (God forbid) the two of you don't work out, it's gonna be that much harder on him.

As a result, he has second thoughts about doing anything with you that would generally be considered an act of serious commitment to you - making love, for example. See, to him, if you initiate, then he's just accepting your feelings and, though he feels bad for not being able to give you what you want, he does care about you and doesn't want to reject you. If HE initiates, though, then he's opening himself up to you, commiting himself to you...and since he's not on steady ground there, that idea is too uncomfortable to entertain.

My recommendation? If the physical doctor can't help, couples counseling might be best. It'll probably take time for him to sort out his feelings for you and make the decision or whether or not to take your relationship further, but if he can at least figure out what's going on in his head and why he's so hesitant...

...I can't guarantee a happy ending there, but there's a somewhat less likely chance he'll break up with you (since he does seem to care about you) and a much less likely chance of you two breaking up for no reason. That's one thing I do know for certain - at least understanding why a relationship is ending makes it easier to endure.


That's my advice. Think it over.

 

[coastal-boy]

I'm going to take a slightly different route. Are you happy? Are you willing to have what you have for the rest of your life? If the answer is no to either or both then it is your responsibility to find fulfillment. Life is short and it is what we make of it. Expecting him to change is foolish. If it bothered him, he would have been seeking help. He is putting his needs in front of yours. I vote move on.

 

[HowMayIPleaseU]

I have been married a very long time. Hubby and I are surprisingly happy outside the bedroom, but sex life is essentially non existent. If I knew then what I know now, I would not have married him, despite the rest of the life we have together.

Get the problem fixed before marriage or do not marry. It will not get better after marriage... don't kid yourself.

 

[infinity706]

It's sort of sounding to me that he needs quite a bit of intensity to get turned on. It's sort of the thing that some when get, where they need to be seduced and get really hot over "rape" fantasies. Maybe he just happens to be the type that needs to give up control to get excited. For example, if he agrees to it, you might set up a code word. Whenever and wherever you say that word he has to drop to his knees and suck your cunt, no questions asked or you'll take him over your knee and spank his ass until it's redder than a tomato. Just that chance that you could spring it on him at any time, especially when it would be really embarassing for him, might be what he needs. Yeah, it's pretty BDSMish, but I think it might just be the type of thing to at least experiment with if you both like the idea.

 

[fille]

Getting him to go and see his doctor may be your best bet. Low libido can be caused by treatable conditions, and it would certainly be a shame to continue in this way if it could have been addressed. It could also be depression, which could be treated as well.

It's nice to think that your feelings for your partner will overcome the lack of a satisfying sex life, but over the long haul if sex is important to you and it isn't happening, you are very likely to become frustrated and resentful. These feelings can wreck an otherwise loving relationship.

If possible physical causes, including treatable depression, are ruled out, or he continues not to try to address them, personally I would move on. But if you decide that you want to stick it out, then counseling will be really important to work through negative feelings early rather than letting them fester.

 

[SubNebGuy]

You cannot rule out the possibility that he's gay either.

His performance anxiety could stem from the fact he isn't sexually aroused by you, but because of his up-bringing and family pressure, he's trying to 'live straight'.

I hope you're luck is better than that though, and that he's just shy or too nervous.

 

[phelon]

Sweet Erika:

Has he EVER had desire? If so, when did it go away?

He has said that this has happened before with a couple other women, both times it was when he was getting really close with them. The relationship we are in now is the longest he's had and the most involved. We were

We wer having the most sex when there was threat to the relationship--I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue it, and during that time we were having regular sex.

Has he done his best to investigate the reason(s) for his lack of desire, both medically and psychologically?

He has talked about going to a doctor but hasn't followed through on that yet. In the last month or so we've been involved with moving into another place, so that coud be why too.

[
Phelon:

When you do get to sex, who initiates it?

When we were both interested it was both of us that initiated, although now it's me that initiates although not very often because he has said it makes him feel horrible to not be able to give me anything.

a clue as to the problem?[/B]

There aren't any performance issues during sex or during blowjobs, so I was thinking this could be a mental thing. Either way, I've asked him to see the appropriate doctor, which he seems to be taking to heart.

do you share your sexual past between you? Perhaps he had a bad partner that has helped him become this way etc....


We both know each other's history, and it seems that this happens when he becomes close with someone. One night stands never posed a problem in the past.

Does he masturbate without you?

yes I'm pretty sure he does, although I haven't outright asked. There was a while where he wasn't interested at all in porn he said, but other times he tells me that things are improving. I think it's an up and down emotional thing.

Have you tried porn, softcore, reading lit. stories to each other???

We haven't tried any of these, I usually don't want to bring the topic up because it makes him feel like shit that we're not fucking like rabbits.

+++++++++++++++++

ok Well, then... from this newer information, in his past, these issues occur when he gets to a real relationship not a random or short term encounter.
This means its a mental issue so that means time for therapy.

in the meantime.. even if he doesn;t want sex, he should be able to pleasure you at least once a week for you.. thats not a huge 'imposition' its just caring for who your with.. even if he isn't in the mood helping you with hands and mouth shouldn't be a problem (schedules willing) and imo adding some help (porn, etc) during those shouldn;t be an issue.

try this next cuddle session... " Dear, being close to you is making me a bit horny, would you mind if we went online and found some stories that turn me on so i can share this with you? "
Often its not what your asking but how you ask it...
another good one.. in a girly voice " love, your making me um.. wet... could you slide those wonderful hands of yours into my panties and help ? "

in both cases your asking him to help you enjoy, without much more than the same contact as cuddles would be.. no pressure for full on sex..

 

[VFaulkon]

You cannot rule out the possibility that he's gay either.

His performance anxiety could stem from the fact he isn't sexually aroused by you, but because of his up-bringing and family pressure, he's trying to 'live straight'.

I hope you're luck is better than that though, and that he's just shy or too nervous.

Ehh...it's possible, but there's plenty of reasons that explain this without him being in the closet too. I think, if only for the purpose of this topic, we should assume he's straight to avoid giving advice that leads down the wrong path.

 

[DreamsInSilence]

update

Thanks to everyone that posted replies.

with everyone's advice, either for or against, I decided to wait until our lease is up in a year, and if by then nothing has improved--with either of us because this is half my responsibility too--then I'm moving on, as hard as that will be. Living my life waiting and waiting is not what I envision for myself.

Thanks!

 

[subwannabe]

I didn't read the other responses. How old are you? That could make a difference in our advice. I'm sure somewhere in the other responses you have already heard to ditch him, which I concur. Things will not get better, they will only get worse. This is the way he is for whatever reason and he is not going to change. You are thinking about saying yes to marrying him while thinking at the same time about a possible open marriage so you can have some sex somewhere else? Did you hear that 50%of all marriages wind up in divorce? With problems like these before you even are married spells about a 100% chance of divorce. Feel sorry for him as you find someone else. I don't know what your religious beliefs are but it is possible we only live one life, die, and turn to dust. You deserve to make this life better than obligating yourself to someone who cannot please you to the point you are already thinking about "cheating" on him.

 

[DreamsInSilence]

I'm 25. Re reading through my replies, I realize I wasn't making a whole lot of sense. Grasping at straws, maybe?

 

[Noor]

Some people are asexual, supposedly at least 1-10% of the population. They have sex only to practice their technique, to please their partners, keep their partners from leaving and procreate. However after a point they seem to lose even the interest to that.
I have known people married to asexual people and they never change, they just are.

If sex is important to you, I think its important to find out if why he is not sexual with you. If he is asexual and you still want him, discuss with him how your sexual needs will be met.

There is an article in the NewScientist on it