Question about orgasm preference

[serijules]

Here's a problem that has been bugging me for awhile.

I play often sexually with various partners...not actual sex, but mutual stimulation during other kinky play, or whatnot. My partners always seem focused on getting me to orgasm...and my problem is I CAN'T. I even fake it sometimes if I can get away with it because it's frustrating and I don't want them to feel they were not pleasuring me enough, because that isn't true. I've been told my responses are exquisite, and I am very easy to arouse...it's just that dang finale.

No matter how turned on I am, except by my own hand, it is extremely difficult for another person to bring me to orgasm. It takes a damn long time of precise stimulation, and my arousal factor doesn't seem to matter at all. I can be extremely turned on and very much wanting the orgasm, but I just can't get to that climax.

Thing is though....most of the time that is ok with me. I love the tease and the buildup, much more so than the end result. A long session of teasing and touching and stimulating doesn't have to end with an orgasm for me to feel satisfied, and being DENIED that orgasm is even more thrilling for me. (granted though, being denied the orgasm is usually the one thing that can send me over the edge..lol) The idea of multiple orgasms is just exhausting and unappealing to me....give me 2 hours of teasing any day.

My question is....is this unusual? I often wonder what my partners feel about this, if they are offended or hurt or whatnot, but for some reason it isn't something I can talk about at the moment that it matters.

 

[Pure]

Hi serijules,

It's not clear to me if you're saying you DO come by your own hand, but not by anyone else's or--
You don't come at all.

The first is not that uncommon, including on this forum.

If it is the first, ever try a 'cooperative' approaches?. You touch the key area while partner touches elsewhere? (Or partner can even place his hand on yours as you do yourself.)

 

[Kri]

Here's a problem that has been bugging me for awhile.

I play often sexually with various partners...not actual sex, but mutual stimulation during other kinky play, or whatnot. My partners always seem focused on getting me to orgasm...and my problem is I CAN'T. I even fake it sometimes if I can get away with it because it's frustrating and I don't want them to feel they were not pleasuring me enough, because that isn't true. I've been told my responses are exquisite, and I am very easy to arouse...it's just that dang finale.

No matter how turned on I am, except by my own hand, it is extremely difficult for another person to bring me to orgasm. It takes a damn long time of precise stimulation, and my arousal factor doesn't seem to matter at all. I can be extremely turned on and very much wanting the orgasm, but I just can't get to that climax.

Thing is though....most of the time that is ok with me. I love the tease and the buildup, much more so than the end result. A long session of teasing and touching and stimulating doesn't have to end with an orgasm for me to feel satisfied, and being DENIED that orgasm is even more thrilling for me. (granted though, being denied the orgasm is usually the one thing that can send me over the edge..lol) The idea of multiple orgasms is just exhausting and unappealing to me....give me 2 hours of teasing any day.

My question is....is this unusual? I often wonder what my partners feel about this, if they are offended or hurt or whatnot, but for some reason it isn't something I can talk about at the moment that it matters.

If it's ok with you, then it should be ok with your partners. Talking before and after sex is really important. You should talk to them, tell them how it is and hopefully they'll understand. People can't read minds, and being honest when sex is concerned is really important. At the least, talking to them will help you not feel as if you have to fake orgasm for them. You'll be able to concentrate more on just feeling good than putting on a show.
Hopefully they won't be offended because that's just how you are. As long as they know it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with how your body works they shouldn't be hurt. If they are then talk to them. Talk talk until you're out of breath, it really helps.
As far as it being unusual...well I don't know that that's the issue. Whether it's unusual or not, it's how your body works. You could probably try to work on being able to have an orgasm at another's hand, but for now you seem to be having fun, and that's all that matters right? People vary in so many different ways with their bodies in how they orgasm, what gets them off, where they like to be touched etc, that I don't really think there is a "normal" where orgasm is concerned.

 

[serijules]

Hi serijules,

It's not clear to me if you're saying you DO come by your own hand, but not by anyone else's or--
You don't come at all.

The first is not that uncommon, including on this forum.

If it is the first, ever try a 'cooperative' approaches?. You touch the key area while partner touches elsewhere? (Or partner can even place his hand on yours as you do yourself.)

Yes, I can come by my own hand quite easily...maybe I'm just completely spoiled to my own touch since I know exactly what I want and how.

The cooperative approach is a good idea, I'll have to keep that one in mind...because it is very frustrating sometimes to feel I have to 'force' an orgasm.

 

[WriterDom]

I wouldn't want anyone to fake an orgasm for me. What I would probably do with someone like you is to take you as far as I could, then let you finish with your hand. I like when a woman masturbates with my cock in her mouth. And she doesn't have to focus on me at the time.

 

[lovetoread]

Personally, I dont have to have an orgasm to enjoy sex.

I like the feelings of it all, an orgasm is just a bonus.

I say, be up front, let your partner know whats going on, and dont fake it. To me thats the same as lying.

 

[lark sparrow]

Here's a problem that has been bugging me for awhile.

I play often sexually with various partners...not actual sex, but mutual stimulation during other kinky play, or whatnot. My partners always seem focused on getting me to orgasm...and my problem is I CAN'T. I even fake it sometimes if I can get away with it because it's frustrating and I don't want them to feel they were not pleasuring me enough, because that isn't true. I've been told my responses are exquisite, and I am very easy to arouse...it's just that dang finale.

My question is....is this unusual? I often wonder what my partners feel about this, if they are offended or hurt or whatnot, but for some reason it isn't something I can talk about at the moment that it matters.

I don't think it is, not in my own experience. And I find it pressuring in an annoying and distracting way when too much emphasis is placed on coming. It's the journey often, not coming asap for me as well - the tease and buildup are exquisite places to be hung and kept. I love the feeling that I would do absolutely anything, if only allowed to cum. As I can come in many ways and many, many times it's not a huge thrill to have one orgasm under pressure - it's not going to utterly satisfy me.

If someone explained to me that they could only come by bringing themselves off, I am sure there are things I could do physically to add to their pleasure, or even simply in being there, watching. I don't think I would be upset or take it personally unless they said everyone can make me come, but you, so just stop trying lol. It can be really arousing to watch one's partner masturbate!

lol and you are not the only way to fake one for the pleasure and comfort of a partner who is overly focused on it for your tastes or responses. But I suppose in extremes, better that they care too much then not at all. In those cases, I bring up the things they do that really, really drive me crazy, so they know how much pleasure they give me and where my focus is when we are together. If that doesn't help, then a fake orgasm usually does. As long as everyone is getting what they want generally speaking, and it's not a long-term, monogamous partner it doesn't seem to hurt too much.

 

[Cirrus]

Ditto here, same thing. I have never, EVER, had an orgasm with a partner, in any manner. And this has lead to more than one man feeling inadequate. I too can cum only with my own hand or toy, and can do this also during sex. Once though, just once, I'd like someone else to "give" me the orgasm while I just enjoy it without having to work.

Yes, I too have faked. Sometimes because it's the guy has been trying so hard for so long that I either lose interest or get sore.

The difference between you and me, is that I WANT it to happen. I mean, why the hell should I even have sex if I know I'm going to be left hanging while my guy smokes a cig or takes a nap? Yeah, sex feels good and all that, but I'm at the point in my life now where I feel "cheated", if you will, that my guy [almost] always gets off, and I do too...later. Usually alone.

God being a woman sucks sometimes. We have periods AND a lot of us have trouble climaxing. What did we ever do that was so bad?

 

[abbey_kyle]

God being a woman sucks sometimes. We have periods AND a lot of us have trouble climaxing. What did we ever do that was so bad?

I am so sorry that you see these things as punishments. I revel in my body when I am menstruating--it is when I feel most womanly.

I am able to climax anally, vaginally and clitorally, in addition to reaching oragasm from strong nipple-play. All forms of these orgasms have a different feel and are special in their own way. In my experience, strong communication makes this happen. I think you need to first figure out what it is you like, then find a way to communicate it. It's your sexual space, too--claim it and take it for yourself.

abbey

 

[LisaFunOne1]

hrm... interesting problem.... most guys these days are ok with you bringing a toy into play..... yes, some guys think it makes them inadequate, but... the thing is, if you talk it over with them, they will understand

 

[cellis]

I was alone for a long time before I met Himself and it took a long time after we were together before He could make cum either by His hand or the vibrator and He can't always bring me to completion.

It is one of those things that I have learned to live with... in fact He is one of the few men that has ever made me climax...

Most of the time He will take me to the edge and the allow me to manipulate myself into orgasm while He does other things to me... this works for us...

 

[LadyHeart]

My question is....is this unusual? I often wonder what my partners feel about this, if they are offended or hurt or whatnot, but for some reason it isn't something I can talk about at the moment that it matters.

I have only ever had clitoral orgasms. I got very close to having a vaginal one once, and was disappointed I missed it. It took me a while to teach my husband how to give me a clitoral orgasm. They are a sure thing now, but only when I run a kinky scenerio in my mind during the process. (Vanilla spouses, gotta love em) I think it all has to do with learning how to touch a person just right for that person.
I think it might be unavoidable to not feel a little bad about not making someone climax, even when you know it isn't anyone's "fault". Eventually though, you get past that and feel more secure about it. Of course, that's just my take on it.

LadyHeart





www.LadyHeart.com

 

[serijules]

The difference between you and me, is that I WANT it to happen. I mean, why the hell should I even have sex if I know I'm going to be left hanging while my guy smokes a cig or takes a nap? Yeah, sex feels good and all that, but I'm at the point in my life now where I feel "cheated", if you will, that my guy [almost] always gets off, and I do too...later. Usually alone.

I would definitely feel cheated if it was like that...what I like though, is being denied the orgasm with continued teasing and stimulation...I like the 'power exchange' there...and usually by the time the teasing and play is over, I've enjoyed that soo much I'm too exhausted to care if there is an orgasm involved, hehe.

When I have sex with my vanilla husband though, I do feel very cheated when he cums and then rolls over to go to sleep and I have to take care of myself...by myself. Without the D/s element involved, lack of orgasm is just really unfullfilling sex :/

 

[Cirrus]

Don't get me wrong, there's been time I feel like you do. Like for example, like when I was with my ex and getting all those vaginal infections (which weren't caused by him, btw...it seems antibacterial soap, glycerin based lube, and my vagina don't mix), and we wanted to fool around, we couldn't have sex. So we would do "everything but" those times. It was actually really nice not to be "expected" to have sex. Kind of made me feel like I was in high school again. I like being teased and a little frustrated sometimes, it's just that I want the option of orgasm to be there. And it's not.

Somehow, even if I use my hand or a toy during the act and have an orgasm that way, it's not the same.

 

[maddi]

To Climax or not to Climax, Was that the real question?

Anyway, I used to have internal orgasms with my first husband. He was very vanilla but always made sure I got off first before he finished, either by hand or sexually, when he bothered to find time to have sex.

My huband/master now is extremely attentive but is not able to give me internal orgasms. In all other areas sex is way more fufilling now than it ever was. He is so creative and enjoys the power exchanges and D/s lifestyle but...

I have to admit I miss the internal orgasm. The fireworks and the feeling of being in heaven at once. I am learning to orgasm anally, and am finding that very enjoyable but.. nothing compares. He reads and is trying but I just don't enjoy vaginal sex that much anymore? I don't understand what happened.

And I would also love to learn how to orgasm by nipple stimulation. It is just adding additional things to our play to keep things mixed up, fresh and new. We masturbate each other and for each other and have a beginning toy collection... but when you add it all up

I still miss interanal orgasms.

Maddi

 

[kate8417]

So I'm not all alone on this...!

No matter how turned on I am, except by my own hand, it is extremely difficult for another person to bring me to orgasm. It takes a damn long time of precise stimulation, and my arousal factor doesn't seem to matter at all. I can be extremely turned on and very much wanting the orgasm, but I just can't get to that climax.

My question is....is this unusual? I often wonder what my partners feel about this, if they are offended or hurt or whatnot, but for some reason it isn't something I can talk about at the moment that it matters. [/B]

OMG... serijules, I can't thank you enough for bringing this up. I'm a member of this damned club, too. I had always had trouble with it (your description sounds identical to mine, re: how it happens, etc.). I had the misfortune to marry a man whose whole self-image was dependent upon "giving" me one. The more he tried, the more pressure I felt, the harder it became, the harder he tried, ad infinitum... He made me feel enormously guilty about my difficulty in reaching orgasm. Weird--it was about me, but it wasn't. It was all about him. After I discovered that he had been having an affair with one of my "best" friends for about a year (not to mention sent us into bankruptcy), I naturally divorced the SOB, but the fallout from it was tremendous.

In my experience, most men will nod understandingly, saying, "Of course I don't take it personally, sweetheart!" But they do. At least, that is the impression I have. Sure would like to hear some male feedback on this subject.

I was fortunate enough to find a wonderful man/Master who actually believed that "it's me," and not him. Still, it is rough on him, at times. He has admitted as much to me, but at least we're being honest about it. I have promised him that I will NEVER fake it for him, no matter how much I want to please him, though the temptation has been almost overwhelming sometimes. I have become less self-conscious, and he has convinced me that I am not "broken"--something I felt for an awfully long time.

Why does this mean so damned MUCH to men? And why do so many men seem to expect it so readily? From the stats I've read, a pretty healthy percentage of women are in this same boat. So... Maybe it's all those fakers out there, giving them unrealistic expectations. That's it! Women of the world, unite--quit your faking! Let the men discover that we can be aroused without having twenty earth-shaking, back-breaking orgasms, and that, for some of us, it's damned hard work.

What do you think, ladies? And gents?

Happy Day, A/all, and thanks again for having the courage to broach a sensitive subject!

 

[Cirrus]

I am so sorry that you see these things as punishments. I revel in my body when I am menstruating--it is when I feel most womanly.

abbey

Well, then you and I are in too different clubs, hon. I can't really say that cramps, bloating, mood swings, vomiting and migraines make me feel feminine or are anything to "revel" in.

 

[lovetoread]

Well, then you and I are in too different clubs, hon. I can't really say that cramps, bloating, mood swings, vomiting and migraines make me feel feminine or are anything to "revel" in.

This makes me so happy not to have to live with it anymore.

Sometimes a hysterectomy at a very young age, can be a blessing.

 

[lark sparrow]

Well, then you and I are in too different clubs, hon. I can't really say that cramps, bloating, mood swings, vomiting and migraines make me feel feminine or are anything to "revel" in.

Ditto LOL

 

[Zaudika]

Serijules,
What a good an interesting subject for you to bring up. I personally am very easily orgasmic, and while I love orgasming. I also, don't need to have it.
I think its a feeling that both sexes have and struggle with. I know that I sometimes feel bad, or upset, or ashamed if for some reason the man I'm with doesnt orgasm. Though several have always said that its ok.. its a feeling that I think both sides get.
I also greatly enjoy the teasing factor.. and men I've been with that are nothing about just trying to quickly get me off, actually don't make me orgasm at all. There's so much more excitement and pleasure if its drawn out over a long period of time.

 

[Justina123]

Opposite "problem", ha

This was quite an interesting thread for me, 'cause the opposite is true for me- I simply can NOT have an orgasm by my own hand, whether I am alone or with someone. (Whereas when scening or having sex, generally no problem.)

I have come to the conclusion it must be a mental thing or something- I can do the exact same things to myself that a man does, use same toys or whatever, and while it may be pleasant, that is it. I have had to explain to Dominants that my coming to orgasm without their active participation just can't be part of a scene, I am an experienced middle-aged lady and at this point in my life, I know it's just not going to happen.

I once dated a Dominant who took this piece of info as a personal challenge, trying to instruct me in all kinds of how-tos, and this was a big turnoff. I guess for some Doms it is a big turn-on to watch a woman masturbate. (???) The Dominant I am currently in a relationship with was simply appreciative of my sharing the info and wisely did not take it as some kind of personal affront or challenge, yea!

- justina

 

[gomeade]

I always like Serijules' posts.

I endorse the cooperative approach and also suggest you try D/s where part of the play is the dom/me controlling your masturbation. Let the Dom/me be in charge of the buildup, but put your hands on the controls, so to speak. Orgasm control can be very exciting.

 

[pierced_boy]

bump

>OO<