Question about being a nice guy

[capricious_chic]

Here is the rub, above and beyond the infamous dating rules (which I detest), the absolute best way to be is to be yourself.

Do you really want someone that was attained through "play acting"? Do you really want the girls that have low self esteem and little self worth that typically go for the "guys that treat them like shit"?

Forget the dating rules, forget trying to be an asshole, just be yourself.

Confidence and high self esteem is attractive in men. If it doesn't come to you naturally, find things about yourself that you like or excel in and use them to your advantage. Realize that we all are unique and individual and have things about us that others will find attractive.

Most self-proclaimed "nice guys" are not always all that nice. When a guys goes on and on about how "nice" he is to me, I immediately think he is being false. All guys say they are nice, the ones that I know are nice never have to tell me they are. They show me in actions and deeds.

 

[Master Brian]

I agree, the dating game rules are stupid.

 

[Sebastian Sanders]

I have a theory.

There are nice guys and there are assholes, yes, but within both those groups men are still very different from one another.

It appears that the assholes are able to get women and the nice guys have a harder time doing this. Sometimes we assume this is because women are attracted to assholes.

However, my theory is that women are attracted to men who are interesting, and unfortunately most of the interesting men are assholes.

This is good news however. The reason this is good news is that it might be possible for a nice guy to become interesting, without becoming an asshole - given that women are attracted to interesting, and not asshole.

Certainly somebody who is interesting, and not an asshole, has an advantage over everyone.

Now the current dichotomy stands only because of the stereotype that assholes are more interesting than nice guys, and I think as a broad generalisation, this is unfortunately true.

The question I ask now is - how does a guy become more interesting? Everyone's idea of interesting is a bit different but I'd very much like to hear people's opinions on this.

 

[peachykeen]

The question I ask now is - how does a guy become more interesting? Everyone's idea of interesting is a bit different but I'd very much like to hear people's opinions on this.

Read more books and watch less TV.

Go to non-Hollywood films. Or rent them and watch them at home if there is not a good art house cinema near you.

Take an evening class in something totally unrelated to your work that you've always been curious about, just for the heck of it.

Bother to try and understand something you've never seen the appeal of before (like opera, or something else you might have written off long ago as 'boring').

Also, it may sound very silly, but in most major cities there are places that offer classes in flirting. Just as some people are naturally musical and other can become competent with lessons, the same is true with flirting - some can just do it, some are clueless. But you can learn. Learn to understand the physical signals you are sending, learn how to interpret other people's body language, and learn a little confidence in how you present yourself.

 

[Lust Engine]

Another cool civic minded thing that I've done to meet some really like minded people is to volunteer for something. Try things like working a soup kitchen, Habitat for Humanity, public television/ radio functions or any charity that strikes a chord with you. You're bound to meet someone else there with the same interest and it's also a nice conversational icebreaker.

Good luck.

 

[His Whimsicality]

I used to be one of those self-proclaimed "nice guys"

...who was complaining why he couldn´t get any women!

That was 1 and a half years ago where I was 22 and had never had any real sexual encounter with any girls or women even though I wanted it so much - and that was problem No 1.

You see, I wanted it so much, that I was too clingy, too nice - and thus not really interesting, I had no bite, no animalistic side (not that I have it in overabundance now, but I´m certainly not as boring and, uh, awkward with women as I used to be!) I mean you nice guys have to ask yourselves: what are you watching for in a woman? Niceness? Or like maybe a hot ass or a pretty face or interesting character? So you´ve got to become what you´re looking for! I for instance am not unhandsome, especially my ponytail is what many women like, but where I really score is my "deepness": I like to write and play poker and am a philosopher at heart, and if I show that non-normal creative side, this is what women find interesting!

Problem No2 is self-confidence: assholes have it, "nice guys" don´t, and if your interested in a woman, you´ve got to show it, not just look at her and be shy, that wont achieve anything, and women only drop hints at best, they wont ask you directly (as I have just again realized with my current third girlfriend who is 3 years older than my last which makes her a lot more interesting, and I´m also kinda proud that I have an older gf now).

 

[LadyGwenhevare]

Hey all you nice guys...

Stop worrying about how you look etc. and talk to the girls, ask them out!!!

All they can do is say no - and it won't be because of your looks or lack of them

Each person is attracted to different types of people and no one can tell by looking at them what they like.

The only way to find out is to ask - and you never know they may say yes.

If you don't ask you have told yourself no - by not asking you are rejecting yourself.

Be yourself. Like yourself. Like the person you ask out.

Remember this one thing in life:

You can't hit a homerun if you don't get up to bat!!!!

Good Luck to everyone still looking for their special someone - I am lucky and have had mine for 15 years!

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Part of this reminds me of that odd thing, where when you are dating someone, other people find you more attractive. Part of it, I think, is that people can smell desperation. Alot of 'nice guys' are so eager that its a turn off.

 

[His Whimsicality]

Part of this reminds me of that odd thing, where when you are dating someone, other people find you more attractive.

Yeah, also heard (and noticed) that this is true, you give off more pheromones and your behaviour is also more self-secure and thus more attractive.

 

[Noor]

Part of this reminds me of that odd thing, where when you are dating someone, other people find you more attractive. Part of it, I think, is that people can smell desperation. Alot of 'nice guys' are so eager that its a turn off.

It is like jobs, companies get more of a thrill out of stealing you from another firm than hiring an unemployed person, but as a former headhunter I can say, once a person is stealable they are always stealable.

I don't think people smell desperation, I agree they smell the pheromones produce when people are happy, so whatever you do keep happy.

I think one of the reasons bad guys pull more women is because they are willing to pretend to be more than they are, they also use a lot of psychological games to keep women continually off balance in an effort to keep them from realizing what jerks they really are. Most bad guys get found out and dumped. Having had both, I prefer the nice guys, maybe not as exciting at first but you can depend on them and in the long run, that's what counts.

 

[Mr.Slide]

Another nice guy here. Used to get obsessed about the whole problem but figured out that its just one big headache. I still don't have a girlfriend, but I really don't care too much. I know what will happen will happen when its supposed to as long as I keep being myself. But here are a few of my favorite quotes from Confucious that may help.

"The Gentleman takes pride in being slow in word, but prompt in deed."

"A Gentleman does not grieve that people do not recognize his merits; he grieves at his own incapacities."

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

You know what? If I were a nice guy, I'd probably clean up around here....it's a damned shame I'm not a nice guy!

 

[Sebastian Sanders]

peachykeen, thanks for your tips on how to become more interesting

> Read more books and watch less TV.

I read I am into crime fiction at the moment, but I've alreadys read a lot of non-fiction anyway.

> Go to non-Hollywood films. Or rent them and watch them at home if there is not a good art house cinema near you.

I watch a lot of non-hollywood films. In fact I particularly like French films but I like most european cinema. Often I watch 2 movies a night. I study media production, and I also study Cinema.

> Take an evening class in something totally unrelated to your work that you've always been curious about, just for the heck of it.

Thanks for the tip. I should do that this year. Like something to do with music or drama.

> Bother to try and understand something you've never seen the appeal of before (like opera, or something else you might have written off long ago as 'boring').

I do like opera already Unfortunately, chicks don't seem to dig it.

Actually, what I did do recently was I forced myself to listen to some music by Eminem. Then I saw the light and now I have a couple of his albums and I really like his stuff. Previously, I never saw the appeal of rap.

As for flirting lessons, well that's an interesting suggestion. I believe that I have the skills, but not the subjects.

I find it hard to be interesting to most people, because what I find interesting seems to be so completely different to most people.

 

[Lust Engine]

Originally posted by Sebastian Sanders As for flirting lessons, well that's an interesting suggestion. I believe that I have the skills, but not the subjects.

I find it hard to be interesting to most people, because what I find interesting seems to be so completely different to most people.

As opposed to leaning toward subject matters that might make you interesting, go to the one's that interest YOU. If you're not into opera, don't go there. Now I'm not saying don't ever go there... try it, you might like it. If your natural curiosity leads you there, then by all means check it out. I'm sure there are other interesting folks there who are checking things out for the first time too. Both of you guys being new to a subject matter makes a great icebreaking subject.

Do the things that interest you. It'll go into what makes you interesting.

Good luck.

 

[SXCRgirl]

Do the things that interest you. It'll go into what makes you interesting.

Very sound advice, LE! This works not just for men but for people in general. I like hanging out with folks who have a passion for something... whatever that is. I find that I'll learn something from them and they are 'interesting'. People are drawn to happy people. Happy people are self contained.

You usually find a healthy relationship when you're not focused on it. Go out and have fun and do what you're interested in. You'll have more friends and have a fuller life. Who wouldn't want more friends? When you least expect it, you'll find the one that you want to spend a lot of time with.

 

[Lust Engine]

Thanks much SXCRgirl! I haven't seen your friendly face around these parts in awhile. Glad to know you still haunt these threads. Always nice to hear from you.

But seriously, there brings up an issue of sincerity when it comes to being an interesting person. Doing things & liking the things you do make you genuine. Being honest with yourself and your likes/ dislikes makes it an easier road for you to navigate. Going out with a genuine & sincere person is much MUCH more rewarding than going out with someone who pretends.

Sincerity has its own rewards.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Lust Engine]

Absolutely LE.

And it's also a turn on.

>gulp< You mean I actually did some turning on here?

Okay okay...while I might not be Brad Pitt by any stretch of the imagination I do know what's worked for me before. I'm hoping that my two bits of encouragement will give the less confident a subtle boost in believing themselves.

And I mean that sincerely too!

 

[whatsinanameuk]

Games

I just hate it when people play games with each other's heads (don't be rude - you know what I mean ) - bottom line is be natural, be yourself, you may not impress the someone you are with right there, but who you are naturally is right for someone.