Question about a new sub

[Spellbound83]

Hey all, I've got a question.

(If you can't suffer thought my story, cliff's notes are at the bottom.)
I met a sub via the net, talked with her, exchanged photos, and we really hit it off. We were going to meet in person just before she went out of town for what will be a week, but last minute scheduling conflicts prevented that.

I should note here that she's very inexperienced. Her only real experience has been spankings, and they were not in a BDSM context. Also, she has little knowledge of the lifestyle. As for myself, I've had one sub, and it turned out the lifestyle really wasn't for her. However, my brief experience with her was enough to know that this is what I want. I supplement my lack of hands-on experience by reading anything BDSM I can find.

Anyway, the current situation is that she's away somewhere for a week, but we had a discussion the night before we left in which we both agreed that she is now my sub. She's said things like "I cannot wait to feel your control," and expressed a strong desire to be belted, among other things. I think she may be a bit of a painslut, or at least think that she is.

The next day I messaged her, and told her that as long as she's out of town, she would text me for permission to come when she masturbates. She dutifully and eagerly agreed. By her own admission, she masturbates at least once a day.

Later that night, she messages me saying that she was thinking about intentionally disobeying so that I would punish her. I wasn't pleased, and I let her know. She was honest and upfront about what she was thinking, particularly that she wants and would enjoy the punishment.

I was upfront with her as well. I told her that I thought that the issue was trust; she feared I would not be able to give her the control and discipline that she needs, and that she was acting out in hopes of getting what she wanted. She was incredulous, and told me that I was exactly right.

I then told her that I would never belt her as punishment, that I would belt her because I want to and because she needs it. I asked her what she thought about what I said, and she told me she was relieved to be in my hands because I understand her. She was glad that I would be patient with her, and not leave immediately when she messes up.

Then I gave her two tasks. I told her to purchase a journal, and record all the details of her masturbation in it while on vacation, and that she would present it to me when we meet in person. (I plan on reading it outloud and watching her reaction; she has a thing for humiliation) I also told her to make an audio recording while she masturbates and then send it to me. She was enthusiastic when I gave her those tasks, and said she would complete them.

The next day, she had not sent the audio file to me. Her reason is that she is with her family. I believed her, and I still do. Seeing that she might have trouble because of the proximity to her family, I told her I wanted her to model a dress for me and send a picture. IMO, this is a very simple task, and can even be done in the presence of other people...she could just use Facebook vacation photos as an excuse. She has yet to do this task.

Cliff's Notes - Met a sub online, almost met in person, she's now out of town. We both agreed that she would be my sub. She suggested intentional disobedience to provoke punishment, I talked her through it and she says I understand her perfectly. She says she yearns for control and beltings; I believe her. Gave her tasks that have not been done due to lack of privacy. Gave her another task to take a photo and send it to me (can be done anywhere), she hasn't done it.

So here's my question - what is the proper response to this? I feel distance is exponentially complicating the issue. She yearns for control, but the distance and newness of the relationship is a big obstacle. Should I back off? Should I give her a different task (I'm thinking no on that one)? Is this disobedience?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think you should tell her that you feel it would be best to wait till she got back to town before you really start this exploration. Tell her she should simply have her family time, secure in knowing that you will be there for her when she gets back. Hell a week isn't that long, anyway!

What books have you read? I've recently discovered Bob Rubel (disclaimer: I bottomed for him for a weekend of demos, that's how I discovered him) and I really like his books. You can find them on Amazon..

 

[GrimsPet]

I think you should tell her that you feel it would be best to wait till she got back to town before you really start this exploration. Tell her she should simply have her family time, secure in knowing that you will be there for her when she gets back. Hell a week isn't that long, anyway!

I agree. Leave all control etc out of this week vacation with her family. Wait till she returns and you are together to start your exploration. Family can put a HUGE damper on what you are able to do.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I'd probably say lay off the rules and tasks.

The relationship is brand new. Work out what you both like and want and get to know each other before you start moulding it.

 

[eastern sun]

I agree. She may have difficulty (especially if she's new to all this) integrating your tasks into a family visit.

It's also not a great idea to ask a sub to do sexual tasks during family time. (I've actually been in the position where I was masturbating on camera and writing lengthy narrative accounts of my sexual desires while my house was full of kids on a birthday sleepover. Can you see the wrong priorities there? By the way, I take full responsibility for my part in it. The "subfrenzy" that can kick in early in a relationship is very real chaos-making energy.)

It sounds like you have the potential for a good relationship. It's exciting to make these connections, and easy to get caught up in the excitement. Be reasonable in your expectations. It will speak well of your character.

 

[CutieMouse]

Hey all, I've got a question.

(If you can't suffer thought my story, cliff's notes are at the bottom.)
I met a sub via the net, talked with her, exchanged photos, and we really hit it off. We were going to meet in person just before she went out of town for what will be a week, but last minute scheduling conflicts prevented that.

I should note here that she's very inexperienced. Her only real experience has been spankings, and they were not in a BDSM context. Also, she has little knowledge of the lifestyle. As for myself, I've had one sub, and it turned out the lifestyle really wasn't for her. However, my brief experience with her was enough to know that this is what I want. I supplement my lack of hands-on experience by reading anything BDSM I can find.

Anyway, the current situation is that she's away somewhere for a week, but we had a discussion the night before we left in which we both agreed that she is now my sub. She's said things like "I cannot wait to feel your control," and expressed a strong desire to be belted, among other things. I think she may be a bit of a painslut, or at least think that she is.

Okay - so you have this cool online D/s connection with a person you've not met face to face. Which means there may or may not be chemistry face to face. And you've both decided she will be your submissive and you will be her dominant - even though you apparently live close enough to have a face to face meeting, but haven't managed to do so... and she thinks she really wants to be belted, and you think she might be a pain slut *except she's never actually experienced it so neither of you know if you're right or not*.

The next day I messaged her, and told her that as long as she's out of town, she would text me for permission to come when she masturbates. She dutifully and eagerly agreed. By her own admission, she masturbates at least once a day.

Later that night, she messages me saying that she was thinking about intentionally disobeying so that I would punish her. I wasn't pleased, and I let her know. She was honest and upfront about what she was thinking, particularly that [she thinks] she wants and would enjoy the punishment.

I was upfront with her as well. I told her that I thought that the issue was trust; she feared I would not be able to give her the control and discipline that she needs, and that she was acting out in hopes of getting what she wanted. She was incredulous, and told me that I was exactly right.

Or maybe she's like a gazillion other people who think D/s is kinky fun times and it all centers around "punishment"... except that she's never been "punished" so she might be wrong. Maybe it isn't an issue of trust; maybe it's just an issue of hormones and getting all hot and bothered over the *idea* of "punishment". (Note I am using quotes around the word punishment, intentionally.)

I then told her that I would never belt her as punishment, that I would belt her because I want to and because she needs it. I asked her what she thought about what I said, and she told me she was relieved to be in my hands because I understand her. She was glad that I would be patient with her, and not leave immediately when she messes up.

I'm still somewhat incredulous that someone who has never been hit outside of a spanking is so gun ho about being belted, and that you are somewhat eager to oblidge. News Flash - what she imagines it feeling like, is probably not what it feels like.

Then I gave her two tasks. I told her to purchase a journal, and record all the details of her masturbation in it while on vacation, and that she would present it to me when we meet in person. (I plan on reading it out loud and watching her reaction; she has a thing for humiliation) I also told her to make an audio recording while she masturbates and then send it to me. She was enthusiastic when I gave her those tasks, and said she would complete them.

The next day, she had not sent the audio file to me. Her reason is that she is with her family. I believed her, and I still do. Seeing that she might have trouble because of the proximity to her family, I told her I wanted her to model a dress for me and send a picture. IMO, this is a very simple task, and can even be done in the presence of other people...she could just use Facebook vacation photos as an excuse. She has yet to do this task.

WTH are you doing giving tasks to someone you've never met, while she's on vacation with family? Do you have any idea how much privacy she has? How busy the schedule is? How complicated it would be for her to get caught recording a (even slightly) noisy masturbation session - and have to tell her family she's doing it for some guy off the interwebz that she's never met? Seriously? WTF? Where are your priorities? I wouldn't have bothered sending a "vanilla" picture after that, either.

Cliff's Notes - Met a sub online, almost met in person, she's now out of town. We both agreed that she would be my sub. She suggested intentional disobedience to provoke punishment, I talked her through it and she says I understand her perfectly. She says she yearns for control and beltings; I believe her. Gave her tasks that have not been done due to lack of privacy. Gave her another task to take a photo and send it to me (can be done anywhere), she hasn't done it.

So here's my question - what is the proper response to this? I feel distance is exponentially complicating the issue. She yearns for control, but the distance and newness of the relationship is a big obstacle. Should I back off? Should I give her a different task (I'm thinking no on that one)? Is this disobedience?

The proper response is to recognize that it was silly to push D/s while she's on a family vacation. No more "tasks". You've never even sat down and had a cup of coffee together. Let her get through vacation. Keep in touch while she's gone. When she gets back, have an actual real life date like real people. See if there's chemistry beyond the computer screen.

 

[midwestyankee]

Word to the wise: if you want to show that you deserve to take control of your partner, even for a few hours at a time, it's best to show that you can control yourself first. Diving right into the whole do this or I'll be unhappy with you mode before you even meet your partner does not show a whole lot of self control.

 

[FurryFury]

You've gotten some responses that IMO, are very good. I would also mention that a demand for a picture was always one of the ways I weeded out potential online Doms. I personally would never send a picture to someone I didn't know and trust for a longer period of time than what you've described.

 

[Etoile]

Everything everyone has said is right. Good for you, too, for realizing that she was acting out. If she wants a belting, she should beg for one because she likes it, and own her desires, not hide them in the guise of "punishment."

I agree, though, with those who have noted that she probably should be started with something less severe than a belt.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Everything everyone has said is right. Good for you, too, for realizing that she was acting out. If she wants a belting, she should beg for one because she likes it, and own her desires, not hide them in the guise of "punishment."

I agree, though, with those who have noted that she probably should be started with something less severe than a belt.

I've often noticed that the first times someone bottoms they are about insatiable.

Also, you don't have to hit hard with a belt, you know.

Choose one that's around 1-1/2 or 2 inches wide.

Fold it in half and hold it about 14 inches from the fold and you have a nice, controllable tawse. You can give her some stinging licks with it, or whump the hell out of her, or let the fold slip open and use the flat of the leather.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I've often noticed that the first times someone bottoms they are about insatiable.

soooo I can tell my boyfriend that I'll wear down to a normal sex drive in a year or two?

 

[Spellbound83]

Thanks for the replies everyone. It confirmed my gut feeling to just drop the tasks and let her enjoy the vacation. The reason I started them is because she was so eager to feel my control, and I didn't see a problem with exercising that just because she's a few states away.

I have no idea if she is staying with her family 24/7, or if she has a hotel room, or whatever. Honestly, I expected her to tell me that privacy might be a problem, or to disclose the circumstances of her visit along with the proximity to her family. I think that she is just so eager and willing to serve that she did not want to tell me no.

Also, I think that there was a bit of confusion about the exchange of pictures. We exchanged pictures before we exchanged cell numbers, so yes, each of us already knows what the other looks like. I simply wanted her to send one that she took specifically for me, fully clothed.

In any case, things are going well again. She's very excited about meeting in person and beginning her training, and I feel the same way.

To CutieMouse: Yes, all the things you said are true. I have no idyllic fantasies that she'll love corporal punishments, especially the beltings, but she has definitely enjoyed past spankings. I also know that when we meet in person everything might fall apart. I think it's highly unlikely, but yeah, it's a possibility.

Stella_Omega: Thanks for the pointers about belting. Do you know of a site or resource that has more information about it? If I do end up belting her, I want to be as informed as possible so that I can do it safely and responsibly.