Putting people at ease

[GiggLeGasm]

I'm laughing at "...when he gets home from his karate lesson"

I don't have a husband.. but I might start using..
"oh.. he's at the shooting range for about another hour"

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

^^^

I don't quite think this is the case. I think a surprising number of people genuinely don't like compliments or know how to react to them.

I totally agree with the last part of your statement. I find it very hard to believe that anyone would dislike compliments. It would more likely be that some would never admit to liking them.

Think about receiving a compliment from someone you don't like. (SD for example) You may be suspicious of the intent, but if you remove the suspicion you will like the compliment. It's human, hell, animal nature to like positive reinforcement. Not knowing how to respond to positivity is a learned response, not a natural one.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Think about receiving a compliment from someone you don't like. (SD for example).

What do you mean? I love her.

I think most people do enjoy them. But I've actually met people who dislike compliments. They don't believe them, therefore they dislike them.

Every time someone says, "Magnificent cawk there, pmann" I always turn a little pink. But some people don't like it at all.

 

[stickygirl]

I suppose part of the dynamic is the environment in which it occurs. People go to bars and clubs and expect to approach and be approached. It's within the rules of engagement. In other situations like sitting in a doctor's waiting room or waiting online at a fast food place, people may not be expecting to be approached and it takes them off guard, or they may just not be in a frame of mind to be approached.

This has been rightly cited a couple of times because it's good old common sense: the situation matters. You'd think most men would be able to distinguish between a woman dressed to the nines in a bar and a Mum sherperding kids in a parking lot, but often they don't. In one case the woman gets a chance to reply and maybe you find out you like each other (!!), but in the other its just crass and cheap.

Just as situation matters so does intent. In a bar you're probably both looking to get lucky, but not in a parking lot. But the original-original question was over compliments not chat-up lines - there's a big difference. Unless you work in the fashion industry or are another woman, then comments about what she's wearing will be construed as a comment about what's under the dress.

To keep things on track: putting people at ease, then any compliments should be non-sexual and better still, just general observations about something you have in common - the length of the queue, the weather - just being personable

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

What do you mean? I love her.

I think most people do enjoy them. But I've actually met people who dislike compliments. They don't believe them, therefore they dislike them.

Every time someone says, "Magnificent cawk there, pmann" I always turn a little pink. But some people don't like it at all.

Love/Hate. Such a fine line between the two.

It seems to me we are saying the same thing. "They don't believe them", suspicion. "Therefore they don't like them", learned response.

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

This has been rightly cited a couple of times because it's good old common sense: the situation matters. You'd think most men would be able to distinguish between a woman dressed to the nines in a bar and a Mum sherperding kids in a parking lot, but often they don't. In one case the woman gets a chance to reply and maybe you find out you like each other (!!), but in the other its just crass and cheap.

Just as situation matters so does intent. In a bar you're probably both looking to get lucky, but not in a parking lot. But the original-original question was over compliments not chat-up lines - there's a big difference. Unless you work in the fashion industry or are another woman, then comments about what she's wearing will be construed as a comment about what's under the dress.

To keep things on track: putting people at ease, then any compliments should be non-sexual and better still, just general observations about something you have in common - the length of the queue, the weather - just being personable

Why does it have to be "crass and cheap"? Why can't a man appreciate a woman's beauty as she is shepherding her kids across the parking lot? Because she is shepherding her kids?

The situation you describe is just the type I was originally talking about. The woman is obviously attached. You know, absolutely, that she isn't looking to hook up, especially not at that moment. Would it be crass to say to one of the kids "hey little one, did you know that your mother is beautiful? ".

 

[NotHisLady]

Why does it have to be "crass and cheap"? Why can't a man appreciate a woman's beauty as she is shepherding her kids across the parking lot? Because she is shepherding her kids?

The situation you describe is just the type I was originally talking about. The woman is obviously attached. You know, absolutely, that she isn't looking to hook up, especially not at that moment. Would it be crass to say to one of the kids "hey little one, did you know that your mother is beautiful? ".

Oh hell yes.
bad, creepy, ewww
think mother grizzly and step away from the cubs

Now if she's herding a bunch of them and you smile and say "quite a crew you got there" I'd say you're on safe ground.

Around here people talk to each other as a matter of course. It isn't strange or off-putting but it doesn't mean anything either. When the waiter brought the check for our pizza the other night and the place was packed I asked him how many miles he'd covered that night. When he said "God too many" and I said he should pretend I was asking a question so he could catch his breath it wasn't taken as an invite just a bit of fun. A minute later I paid our bill and we left.
Honestly I've never been much good at turning those few friendly words into anything but a few friendly words. Having been married for ages I haven't needed to worry about it much but before that I was hopeless.
There is a possibility that in the not too distant future I'll be needing that skill again and I still don't believe that every guy who stops to say hi is making a move.

Guys--how do I tell the difference between just being nice and wanting to extend that short conversation?

 

[MeekMe]

Why does it have to be "crass and cheap"? Why can't a man appreciate a woman's beauty as she is shepherding her kids across the parking lot? Because she is shepherding her kids?

The situation you describe is just the type I was originally talking about. The woman is obviously attached. You know, absolutely, that she isn't looking to hook up, especially not at that moment. Would it be crass to say to one of the kids "hey little one, did you know that your mother is beautiful? ".

Please DO NOT talk to someone's children randomly. >.< Especially about how pretty their mom is. If you do, you deserve whatever reaction she gives you, including the one where she hurles a bag of groceries at you and tells you to get the hell away from her kids. (Please be aware that a woman with kids is not always "attached" as single parents are more and more common.)

This applies to men and women. Parents tell their kids to NOT talk to strangers for a reason. Please do not put someone in a situation where they have to tell their kids, "Well, it's ok that THAT stranger talked to you, because they were just telling you I am pretty/handsom."

I'm not saying this is always the reaction or that it's the right reaction.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Would it be crass to say to one of the kids "hey little one, did you know that your mother is beautiful? ".

http://www.pubzi.com/f/lg-Pedo-bear-seal-of-approval.png

Is that before or after you lure them into the pedo van?

I'm just having a go (I feel like I must now clarify that with every statement). But dude, that's way creepy. It would creepy out the kids, the mother and the vegetables. Particularly the cucumbers.

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

Somehow I knew this was the reaction I was going to get. It felt creepy when I reread it. But, I have done this and have the woman smile, blush, and thank me. Figure that one out.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Rainshine, this is a thread where we can talk openly and express ourselves. Please don't be so vague.

 

[Doog_kuron]

http://www.pubzi.com/f/lg-Pedo-bear-seal-of-approval.png

Is that before or after you lure them into the pedo van?

I'm just having a go (I feel like I must now clarify that with every statement). But dude, that's way creepy. It would creepy out the kids, the mother and the vegetables. Particularly the cucumbers.

I'm having the day from hell but OMG this made me laugh. And definitely creepy

 

[Bramblethorn]

I totally agree with the last part of your statement. I find it very hard to believe that anyone would dislike compliments. It would more likely be that some would never admit to liking them.

Think about receiving a compliment from someone you don't like. (SD for example) You may be suspicious of the intent, but if you remove the suspicion you will like the compliment. It's human, hell, animal nature to like positive reinforcement. Not knowing how to respond to positivity is a learned response, not a natural one.

There's a lot of truth in this, antipathy often comes from suspicion. But it can also be a reaction to somebody else's value system.

A while back I was at a work social event where one of my colleagues mentioned in passing that she had kids. A male co-worker replied "It's great to see an educated white woman reproducing for a change!" It was sincerely intended as a compliment (he spent the next half-hour expanding on his racial opinions...) but it was very unwelcome to somebody who didn't share his views on race. Come to think of it, I don't even know if her husband was white...

Later on the same guy tried to compliment me by telling me I had the right values: "you may not be Christian, but you're monogamous."
"Big assumption there."
"Yeah, but you are."
"No, actually, I'm not."

I'm a fairly private person. I really really didn't want to share the details of my personal life in front of random colleagues (including my future boss!) and I was pretty sure he'd pester me about that revelation afterwards (he did) but it would have felt dishonest to let the assumption stand.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I had some strange man hand me a flower once.. in front of my children. They were little. They still say things like.. "Hey mom.. remember when that freak tried to pick you up?"

My children have enough reasons to make fun of me.. they don't need help from strangers!

 

[Que]

I have to restrict all of my previous advice to only apply to people who are not otherwise known as KrazyWhiteBoy.

You should not walk near women, talk to them or look in their direction.

You have absolutely no sense of propriety, boundaries, or basic common sense. You live in a fantasy world where you are this errant knight that bestows fair maidens with his favored glances.

Try to pick times of day and routes to and from a competent therapists office that minimize your contact with people in general and women in particular.

For starters you have a whore/madonna complex, have your therapist start there. Delusions can be harmful.

 

[Lord Pmann]

And the people said?


AMEN.

Amen muthafuckas!!!

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

I have to restrict all of my previous advice to only apply to people who are not otherwise known as KrazyWhiteBoy.


For starters you have a whore/madonna complex, have your therapist start there. Delusions canbe harmful.

My diagnosis is much more complex than this, but the medication I'm on usually controls it fairly well. Sometimes. Except during a full moon. True story. Really.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Guys--how do I tell the difference between just being nice and wanting to extend that short conversation?

that.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I wish I could bag all the shit that's here, for my garden.

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

I wish I could bag all the shit that's here, for my garden.

Horseshit combined with chickenshit is awesome fertilizer!!

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

Guys--how do I tell the difference between just being nice and wanting to extend that short conversation?

Please clarify the question. Are you asking how YOU could extend the conversation? Or how to tell if a guy is hitting on you? Or how do you politely end the conversation?

I obviously have missing boundary issues, but my meds feel like they're working today so I will try to help after further clarification.

 

[NotHisLady]

Please clarify the question. Are you asking how YOU could extend the conversation? Or how to tell if a guy is hitting on you? Or how do you politely end the conversation?

I obviously have missing boundary issues, but my meds feel like they're working today so I will try to help after further clarification.

As a person who actually is on medication of anxiety and depression I find remarks like that insulting and distasteful.

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

As a person who actually is on medication of anxiety and depression I find remarks like that insulting and distasteful.

Not trying to offend I was trying to make fun of myself based on Query's description of me. I take 150mg of Zoloft daily, which I'm told is a rather high dose. All I know is it makes me able to function like an acceptable member of society.

 

[NotHisLady]

Not trying to offend I was trying to make fun of myself based on Query's description of me. I take 150mg of Zoloft daily, which I'm told is a rather high dose. All I know is it makes me able to function like an acceptable member of society.

In that case you should know better.
There is enough misinformation and stigma still attached to being medicated. Having it turned into another way of saying "well you know how (s)he is" doesn't help any of us.

Taking a pill every day isn't magic. It doesn't change anything unless you want and try to change. It is an opportunity to be better.
It isn't an excuse and it isn't a free pass.

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

In that case you should know better.
There is enough misinformation and stigma still attached to being medicated. Having it turned into another way of saying "well you know how (s)he is" doesn't help any of us.

Taking a pill every day isn't magic. It doesn't change anything unless you want and try to change. It is an opportunity to be better.
It isn't an excuse and it isn't a free pass.

It's also something I take pride in. Fuck stigma's. People are going to say what they want anyway. I'm not normal, never have been nor wanted to be. I'm crazy, yep, certifiable, got the prescription and Doctor's appointment to prove it. Anyone that wants to judge me because I'm medicated should be required to spend six months with me unmedicated. Six because it will take at least two for the meds to leave my system.

Stigma's are a product of ignorance. Believe me there is ignorance in the Medical community too. Each time I've moved and had to change therapists, I have to spend multiple sessions arguing with the therapist that I DO NOT fit into any neat little category of mental illness they learned in school. Thankfully I have had Doctors and Therapist's in the past that were willing to admit they don't know everything, especially when it comes to chemical imbalances in the human brain.