Purely sexual or more than that?

[Kailey_86]

i started a thread asking about how private people are about their lifestyle. Some said that they keep their sex lives private. This raised another question for me.

Do you view BDSM and D/s as purely sexual or is there more to it for you?
Are you Dominant/submissive only in the bedroom or in other areas of your life as well?

For me it is so much more than sex. i am submissive in all areas of my life, inside and outside of the bedroom. i guess this is why i am not shy about hiding my lifestyle. It isn't my sex life i am showing, it is me. i am a submissive.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

For me BDSM isn't sexual at all. Now this doesn't mean that I can't get aroused from playing, but it seems only one woman does this for me. I am still trying to find my place in the relationship with Sir, its not straight D/s more Daddy/boy with some D/s. My relationship with Sir is completely nonsexual at all.

For me it is so much more than sex. i am submissive in all areas of my life, inside and outside of the bedroom. i guess this is why i am not shy about hiding my lifestyle. It isn't my sex life i am showing, it is me. i am a submissive.

Love the last line, its a facet of Kailey that you want to explore and experience.

 

[h_i_s]

It goes outside of the bedroom. It means so much more than just sex. ........
and more often than not, for He and i, sometimes sex isn't even a part of it at all.

 

[CutieMouse]

I consider BDSM to be an every day 24/7 part of who I am, in that I do not limit my interests to a dark bedroom, after midnight, behind closed doors.

However, practicality, discretion, and common sense prevent me from shouting my private proclivites from the rooftops. It's obvious to anyone who comes across me in public life, that I tightlace. This might lead people to presume things about me, but I do not encourage, nor answer questions regarding such things, as I consider my reasons for tightlacing to be no one else's business. I occasionally might make a comment in mixed company, that could be taken to suggest a personal understanding of kink, but those comments are few and far between, and never expanded upon...

I'm not so concerned about keeping my "sex life" private, as I am keeping my Life, private.

 

[callinectes]

There was a fairly extensive discussion on this a few months ago..

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=465167

 

[ownedsubgal]

well you are far from alone there Kailey. for me, D/s is something that encompasses all aspects of my life, from how i clean the house to how i bake a cake, and yes, how i have sex. i was attracted to the D/s lifestyle because i saw it as an opportunity (perhaps my only opportunity) to have the freedom to simply be me, and be apprecitated for that to boot. my Master and i can't relate to many of the things discussed here...we don't ever scene or roleplay for instance, and we are puzzled at the idea of "downtime" or "offtime" that people sometimes speak of. many of the toys and tools of bdsm mentioned, i've never heard of, much less seen or ever had used on me. we're pretty simple folk, living what is at heart an old-fashioned way of life, where Man wears pants, little woman follow happily after.

 

[h_i_s]

.............my Master and i can't relate to many of the things discussed here...we don't ever scene or roleplay for instance, and we are puzzled at the idea of "downtime" or "offtime" that people sometimes speak of. many of the toys and tools of bdsm mentioned, i've never heard of, much less seen or ever had used on me. we're pretty simple folk, living what is at heart an old-fashioned way of life, where Man wears pants, little woman follow happily after.

Ditto to all of the above . Another who is not alone...

(.....except the part about the toys. When we met, i didn't know what most toys and impliments were. i had never seen a dildo in person never mind having used one. Had never owned a vibrator either. He has since aquired a bit more than a few, but very select items. He rarely uses them though. ~shrugs)

 

[Netzach]

I voted B 'cause it wanders outside the sphere of the bedroom but it's not the biggest or only huge thing in my relationships either. But it's not just sex.

 

[BiBunny]

Errrr...I'm not sure how to answer. Because B. and I don't see each other very often (think once a month or so), most of our in-person D/s is sexual. If we saw each other more often, I doubt that would be the case. That's not to say I don't clean his house while he's at work or I don't sit down in the floor and rub his feet when he gets home, but we spend a lot more time in bed when we're together than we do anywhere else. He has veto power over what I do when we're not together; he just chooses not to exercise it more often than not.

So...that made a lot of sense, didn't it?

 

[Kailey_86]

Errrr...I'm not sure how to answer. Because B. and I don't see each other very often (think once a month or so), most of our in-person D/s is sexual. If we saw each other more often, I doubt that would be the case. That's not to say I don't clean his house while he's at work or I don't sit down in the floor and rub his feet when he gets home, but we spend a lot more time in bed when we're together than we do anywhere else. He has veto power over what I do when we're not together; he just chooses not to exercise it more often than not.

So...that made a lot of sense, didn't it?

Made sense to me. If He dominates you when it comes to things outside of the sexual realm, which it sounds like He does since you said He has veto power, i would say it's more than sexual.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well you already know ours is 24/7 and encompasses all areas of our life, but like so many others, I just don't see a reason to go about shouting it from the rooftops. I am a lot of other things....a Buddhist, politically left, mother, grandmother, daughter, counsellor etc., but unless these things come up in a conversation or have relevance to the moment, I don't see the point of announcing them to the world. The way I see it, our D/s is just the same as someone who is mainly vanilla....they don't go out publicly and try to make everyone notice them for that part of their life. To me, thinking it needs to be made overtly public and noticed by actions and/or behaviours seems too much like saying I am special, better than someone else and want them to know that, and that is not where I come from. I am who I am whether in the middle of Amsterdam, on my knees scrubbing the floor, doing the shopping, babysitting, being whipped with a bullwhip, or alone in the mist in one of my favourite rainforests...I don't need anyone other than him to make me feel any less or more a slave. Strangely enough, people who spend any amount of time around us notice there is a dynamic going which is not your average mainstream 21st century model of wedded bliss...but is still noticed to be bliss for us all the same.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

Well you already know ours is 24/7 and encompasses all areas of our life, but like so many others, I just don't see a reason to go about shouting it from the rooftops. I am a lot of other things....a Buddhist, politically left, mother, grandmother, daughter, counsellor etc., but unless these things come up in a conversation or have relevance to the moment, I don't see the point of announcing them to the world. The way I see it, our D/s is just the same as someone who is mainly vanilla....they don't go out publicly and try to make everyone notice them for that part of their life. To me, thinking it needs to be made overtly public and noticed by actions and/or behaviours seems too much like saying I am special, better than someone else and want them to know that, and that is not where I come from. I am who I am whether in the middle of Amsterdam, on my knees scrubbing the floor, doing the shopping, babysitting, being whipped with a bullwhip, or alone in the mist in one of my favourite rainforests...I don't need anyone other than him to make me feel any less or more a slave. Strangely enough, people who spend any amount of time around us notice there is a dynamic going which is not your average mainstream 21st century model of wedded bliss...but is still noticed to be bliss for us all the same.

Catalina

*Thumbs up to cat* I was nodding and agreeing with everything you said.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

it goes outside of the bedroom for Master and i as well, even though we are in an LDR and have been for 3 years, i still submit to Him 24/7, yes i know alot of you will not agree that that is even possible, but i assure you that it IS possible, for us at least. if it were just sexual, it would not be fulfilling to me, as i am submissive in just about every aspect of my life, not just in the bedroom

 

[myinnerslut]

this was a confusing poll for me, i with there was an "other" option. i am submissive. ive known it since i was a child and that doesnt ever go on of off. Sir and i are not 24/7 as a D/s couple. we have been dating for almost two years, over a year of which has been D/s in addition to "normal". everything sexual is D/s, as well as some other sections of our life. 24/7 is not for us, but it id more then strictly sexual. i hope that made sense.

 

[Byakuya]

wow, this thread was sort of an eye-opener for me.. I didn't realize that the majority of people into BDSM continue their D/S roles outside the bedroom.. I've always considered D/S to be just kinky stuff to spice up sex, but it seems like most of the people on here consider it a way of life.. maybe it's just my inexperience..

 

[Kailey_86]

wow, this thread was sort of an eye-opener for me.. I didn't realize that the majority of people into BDSM continue their D/S roles outside the bedroom.. I've always considered D/S to be just kinky stuff to spice up sex, but it seems like most of the people on here consider it a way of life.. maybe it's just my inexperience..

Yeah, that's why i started the thread. i figured that a lot of people see it just as kinky sex while others see it as more than that. i would love to know who is who because each group probably responds very differently to questions.

 

[amadaun]

It's essentially just sexual for me. My boyfriend has complete sexual control, 24/7, but aside from that our relationship is pretty 'nilla. That's not to say that the D/s dynamic doesn't occasionally bleed over into other bits of our life... it would be kind of hard to avoid, but there's certainly no formal arrangement for it to be that way and probably never will be. The idea of being a "slave" or in total power exchange or what have you is a turn-on... for about thirty seconds, until I think of what being less than an equal partner in the relationship would actually entail. Doesn't sit well with me at all. Basically, I'm only J's sub in bed (or tied to the futon, or on my knees in front of him... you get the picture).

 

[lil_slave_rose]

wow, this thread was sort of an eye-opener for me.. I didn't realize that the majority of people into BDSM continue their D/S roles outside the bedroom.. I've always considered D/S to be just kinky stuff to spice up sex, but it seems like most of the people on here consider it a way of life.. maybe it's just my inexperience..

alot of people think of it like that, which is alot of the reason why it's not 'accepted' for me, it's SO much more than the 'kink'. i'm not saying that if it's only in the bedroom for you than it is any less validated because that's not the case, everyone is different, but for me and Master, we live our D/s relationship 24/7. He makes the decisions, always. if i want to go somewhere, i ask Him first (i'm talking about to a bar, out with friends, etc..not to pay my light bill, grocery store, etc..) He helps me make a grocery list, if i'm buying something 'big' i will consult Him first and He'll tell me if He thinks i should, or if He thinks i'm wasting money. some of the most mundane things, i get His permission for. no, we don't live together, yet, but that has never stopped us from living this lifestyle 24/7....

 

[lil_slave_rose]

It's essentially just sexual for me. My boyfriend has complete sexual control, 24/7, but aside from that our relationship is pretty 'nilla. That's not to say that the D/s dynamic doesn't occasionally bleed over into other bits of our life... it would be kind of hard to avoid, but there's certainly no formal arrangement for it to be that way and probably never will be. The idea of being a "slave" or in total power exchange or what have you is a turn-on... for about thirty seconds, until I think of what being less than an equal partner in the relationship would actually entail. Doesn't sit well with me at all. Basically, I'm only J's sub in bed (or tied to the futon, or on my knees in front of him... you get the picture).

because i'm in a TPE..doesn't make me 'lesser' Him and i are two halves of a whole. yes He makes the decisions, always, but that doesn't mean that my input and feelings aren't considered. when a big decision is being made, we sit down and talk about it, he gets my points of view, objections, etc..and then makes the FINAL decision....i don't think that makes me lesser......but i do understand what you're saying, and i'm glad what works for you, works for you

 

[FurryFury]

Two choices is not enough IMO. Neither one fits me exactly.

I'm into sex, very much so, but I don't think D/s is just about sex, for me.

I also wouldn't say I'm submissive in every area of my life.

Fury

 

[Kailey_86]

Two choices is not enough IMO. Neither one fits me exactly.

I'm into sex, very much so, but I don't think D/s is just about sex, for me.

I also wouldn't say I'm submissive in every area of my life.

Fury

IMO you would fit into the more than just sex category. What other category should i have added? i don't really think there are more than 2 categories in this case. That's just my opinion though.

 

[shy slave]

wow, this thread was sort of an eye-opener for me.. I didn't realize that the majority of people into BDSM continue their D/S roles outside the bedroom.. I've always considered D/S to be just kinky stuff to spice up sex, but it seems like most of the people on here consider it a way of life.. maybe it's just my inexperience..

That's what is great about BDSM and D/s.
It can be anything that fits into what you already have in your life or something to work towards together.

I get tired of 'the my way is the only way' brigade.
Don't think it is your inexperience, more what suits you and your wife best.

It is like blindfolds, most people seem to say it is a great way to start in a kinky sex life; but I hate them and they scare me (as do masks). Had I had a Dom or a kinky boyfriend who wanted that I may never have got this far into it all.

There is nothing wrong with using BDSM to spice things up, either now and then, or every night, it does not make you and your relationship lesser than anyone else's.

When I got here I read alot and asked alot of dumb questions. Then I decided where I thought things fitted for me.

As long as you are enjoying what you are discovering, then it works for both of you

 

[amadaun]

because i'm in a TPE..doesn't make me 'lesser' Him and i are two halves of a whole. yes He makes the decisions, always, but that doesn't mean that my input and feelings aren't considered. when a big decision is being made, we sit down and talk about it, he gets my points of view, objections, etc..and then makes the FINAL decision....i don't think that makes me lesser......but i do understand what you're saying, and i'm glad what works for you, works for you

I dunno, I think it's kind of a tomato - tomahtoe semantics thing to play around with words like "lesser" and "less than equal". Obviously I was just talking about my own relationship and not implying that pyls in TPE somehow make themselves lesser human beings through their submission... whatever floats your boat is cool by me. But if your partner ultimately has the final say on everything? Sure, I'd say that makes you "less than an equal partner" by the common definitions of those words. But I'm just pedantic like that.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I dunno, I think it's kind of a tomato - tomahtoe semantics thing to play around with words like "lesser" and "less than equal". Obviously I was just talking about my own relationship and not implying that pyls in TPE somehow make themselves lesser human beings through their submission... whatever floats your boat is cool by me. But if your partner ultimately has the final say on everything? Sure, I'd say that makes you "less than an equal partner" by the common definitions of those words. But I'm just pedantic like that.

my mom and dad's relationship was like this and it had nothing to do with D/s ..well that i know of anyway, it was just simply the way their relationship was. Dad had final say but mom put in her objections and such..but i never saw that she was not 'equal' to my father....i'm not saying it's for everyone because obviously it's not...i'm just saying i dont' think my submission to Him makes me less 'equal' in our relationship, as i've given Him that power over me, i handed over that control. if He had just taken the control, or wouldn't listen to what i had to say about the subject and i sat back and did nothing, then yes, i would not be His equal....maybe 'equal' is not the right word i'm looking for......maybe someone else can explain better what i'm trying to say...as it seems to not be coming out right for me.....

 

[ownedsubgal]

my mom and dad's relationship was like this and it had nothing to do with D/s ..well that i know of anyway, it was just simply the way their relationship was. Dad had final say but mom put in her objections and such..but i never saw that she was not 'equal' to my father....i'm not saying it's for everyone because obviously it's not...i'm just saying i dont' think my submission to Him makes me less 'equal' in our relationship, as i've given Him that power over me, i handed over that control. if He had just taken the control, or wouldn't listen to what i had to say about the subject and i sat back and did nothing, then yes, i would not be His equal....maybe 'equal' is not the right word i'm looking for......maybe someone else can explain better what i'm trying to say...as it seems to not be coming out right for me.....

everyone is different and their perceptions are different. for me, D/s would not involve a relationship of equals. but it depends on how you view/define equals. if you mean equal value or worth, then i could understand feeling you and your Dominant are equals. however i define equality by power, and since i have no power in this relationship, i am beneath my Master, and not anything close to his equal. if two people have equal power within a relationship, well then that to me would be the definition of a classic vanilla relationship.