Puns

[done_got_old]

Someone tried selling me a coffin today, I told him it's the last thing I need.

 

[dashie33]

Someone tried selling me a coffin today, I told him it's the last thing I need.

Did you hear they're trialling glass coffins?

Remains to be seen.

 

[mnbreastluver]

When you jerk off instead of doing work, you're procrasturbating.

 

[done_got_old]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/b4/ec/c4/b4ecc4205e9d06c9caf4a913a059eb80.jpg

 

[mnbreastluver]

Busting a nut on someone without their permission is dishonorable discharge.

 

[done_got_old]

https://i.imgur.com/sjYvN0v.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

https://pics.me.me/best-friends-always-stick-together-27184466.png

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.quickmeme.com/img/48/489c0d71ba0e4435b33660c406165528746a313d89d03dcaa4bfcd1a0f06d66a.jpg

 

[ashesatwork]

whos got my dad jokes tonight

 

[done_got_old]

A message just popped up on my printer saying I need to replace the cyan cartridge... completely out of the blue!

 

[done_got_old]

Iron Man - The super hero with immaculate clothes.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Overdosing on Viagra is the hardest way out.

 

[done_got_old]

The least honest of all the musical instruments? The lyres.

 

[done_got_old]

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/tide_zpssoaitf1y.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

Tried a new recipe: salmon with a roasted vanilla bean sauce. It was pretty good but we all got salmonilla.

 

[done_got_old]

Never iron a four-leaf clover, because you don't want to press your luck.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Shouldn't the technical term for 'lady boner' just be 'herection?'

 

[done_got_old]

What if you were a drill sergeant and you needed to discretely hire someone from outside the military to find out things about the pasts of your new recruits? Could you hire a PI to investigate your privates?

 

[done_got_old]

https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/103/596/86a.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

As I grow older, and I think of the people I've lost along the way. I often stop and think, "Maybe tour guide wasn't the right job for me."

 

[done_got_old]

Today, I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled and I laughed at the irony. Then, I laughed again because of the word "irony".

 

[done_got_old]

A metal-eating monster from outer space fortuitously lands on Earth right in the middle of an automobile junkyard. Right away he begins eating up all the compact cars and moves on to consume all the mid-sized cars until he is finally full.

As he is sitting back after his meal, he spies the full-sized cars. "Darn!" he says, smacking himself in the forehead in consternation. "I could've had a V-8!"

 

[done_got_old]

My favorite garden store is having a sale on potting soil. It is now dirt cheap.

 

[done_got_old]

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/55504308_2075624209225267_716963512106090496_n_zpsgqayyd9u.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

Glue:
If you want to fix Superman's cape, you use superglue.
To fix a broken tuba, just get a tuba glue.
To fix a broken roller skate, you use a rolla tape.
To fix a broken tomato you use tomato paste.
To fix bagpipes ... scotch tape
To fix an Eskimo's house, you need ... igloo
To fix a broken joke, you use silly putty.