psych advice

[Guest]

i've met this really great guy. our relationship (in some physical aspects but mostly emotionally) has progressed faster than i imagined. what's that henry miller line - something like "we had so many points in common it was like looking at myself in a broken mirror."

we've been apart for almost a month, which has left me with maybe too much time to think! he's the first guy i've ever really liked but i think i like being alone better. or am less-unhappy alone or...something, i don't know.

i'm wondering how other people deal with the insecurities and fears they feel, moving towards truly trusting another person? or is there something wrong (with me?) to be feeling some much insecurity and fear in the first place?

i'm trying to decide if i should talk to him about this (short version: i think i must be insane - this can never work) or should just wait and see if i find tursting him easier as time goes on.

i'm scared, though, that being back together will push all these 'bad' feelings aside and they'll be forgotten (for a while) but unaddressed. but i always don't want to greet him with "hi!!! glad you're back. i'm sorry this just isn't going to work."

thanks for any advice.

 

[Trinka]

I guess before giving any sort of advice, you've left me wondering what you meant by you being "less unhappy" alone. I'm not sure what to say because you have not given any reason why not to trust him or what happened that caused you to be apart for the last month.

 

[Guest]

hi Trinka,

thanks for the reply. we've been apart while he's been out of town.

i guess it'd be more accurate to say that being alone is an 'easier unhappiness'. unhappy because you're alone but still much easier than being in a serious relationship can be.

he's really not given me any specific reasons to distrust him (like 'cheating' or anything like that) - just trust in general, i guess.

from what i'm familiar with bdsm (mostly from what i've read here! i'm in complete awe as to how two people can trust one another so fully. just the 'plain ole vanilla' kind of trust is difficult enough for me!

 

[Guest]

my advice to u is: grow up!
if you really cared about this guy, you wouldnt be fucking him or yourself around - it really shows your immaturity. by the sounds of it, this guy would be better off without you. does he really deserve your distrust & emotional baggage just because he's out of town for awhile? you resent him not being there for you now - so telling him its not going to work is a way to punish him for being away. like i said, grow up & if you're really that confused, get some counselling.

 

[BlazeofLife]

Ouch.
just ignore that last post, whoever wrote it doesn't have a clue. Actually, there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling, it's completely normal. What's happening is that subconsciously, you are still struggling with the intensity of your feeling for him, which leaves you feeling somewhat insecure, while at the same time your closeness and intimcacy with him leaves you happy, which is why being away from him doesn't bother you that much. At some level, you're confident that he'll always come back to you, so you don't miss him that much. But you think you should miss him, so you start to question your own feelings for him.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[SilverVeil]

Ouch.
just ignore that last post, whoever wrote it doesn't have a clue. Actually, there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling, it's completely normal. What's happening is that subconsciously, you are still struggling with the intensity of your feeling for him, which leaves you feeling somewhat insecure, while at the same time your closeness and intimcacy with him leaves you happy, which is why being away from him doesn't bother you that much. At some level, you're confident that he'll always come back to you, so you don't miss him that much. But you think you should miss him, so you start to question your own feelings for him.

I hope that makes sense.

I agree. It is normal to feel that way. And not just at the beginning of a relationship. There are so many "What if's " to worry a person. And by allowing someone to share a part of your life, you are opening yourself up to insecurities. It happens a lot. I STILL get those feelings. After being alone for 12 years, I wonder if anything happens to our relationship, will I be able to go on ? And I want to run far far away so I don't have to feel any pain of someone leaving. If I am alone, no one can leave me. Make sense ?

Just take things slow. Don't rush and by all means DON'T be with someone because it is better than being alone.

I hope things work out for you in this.