Pseudo-intimacy

[rgraham666]

I picked up this term many years ago from a magazine article I read.

The thrust of the article is that we human beings spend a lot of time wearing masks appropriate to the social situation we are in. We have a mask for work, a mask for our SO, a mask for our families, etc. We project what we believe others want to see of us, partly for survival and partly for acceptance.

The problem according to the article is that we get lost in our masks, our facades become us.

That causes personal problems as our masks may diverge a very long way from who we really are.

And it causes intimacy problems as it isn't ourselves that are interacting, but the appearances we project to the world. Our relationships become unfulfilling because our actual emotional needs aren't met.

I have a lot of personal experience with both. Especially the first problem. The emotional energy required to appear 'proper' became more than I could bear. It was, I believe, harder for me because as I've said before, me is often all I've had and pretending to be something else was very draining.

I've learned better now. But I've done a lot of thinking about this over the years.

And I would like your input on the phenomena. Thanks.

 

[sophia jane]

I have alot of experience with this as well. After I got married and had kids, I went through what I like to think of as an identity crisis. I tried very hard for a long time to be the person I thought I was supposed to be: a super conservative mom. The end result was that I was incredibly unhappy with myself and with all of my relationships. Underneath my mask, I knew I was a fraud, and I resented everyone who had come to believe that the mask was the real me.
I was very fortunate, though, that circumstances intervened and gave me the opportunity to throw the mask away and be myself. It's been a difficult process, showing my true self to people, as opposed to the mask, but it's also been extremely rewarding. Now I know when I'm interacting with people that any love or appreciation or friendship I receive is true. Of course, there are still people I have to hide at least part of myself from, but I find that I spend less and less time with those people, and more time with the people who are willing to accept me for who and what I am.

SJ

 

[Liar]

I can't say that there are many specific masks that I alter between, more like a state of heightened awareness of self that varies in strength depending on how comfortable I am in a situation.

There is this gut feeling... When I am by myself in my own home with a locked door between me and the rest of the world (like right now), my identity is totally relaxed, and I don't have to worry about appearance, behaviour or possible embarassment. I can sense the difference in my gut, spine, heart, whatever, and as soon as I get out into a social situation, anything from walking down the street to speaking at a meeting, I get this slight strain on my conscioussness, a tingling sensation telling me to watch my step.

There are three people in the world that I can be around without that feeling. My father, one of my sisters, and one ex-gf. Simply because of what we have been through and the full spectre of me that they have already seen - there is just nothing in the most ugly little corners of my personality to hide anymore. Being with them IS as private as solitude.

And then there's a handful more who I can be very relaxed around. The rest of my family and closer long-term friends. After that comes a few not that close friends (colleauges at work, fellow students, neighbors, and so on) but whose personalitites and behaviour is comatible with mine. (Pleasantly, everyone who showed up at the AH meetup this spring fell into this category which made it a very nice time.)

Outside of those circles, the gut feeling of self awareness is very present, and this is when I put on my most full fledged persona. One that is pretty much me, but with all uneven traits, both positive and negative ones, smoothed out. I become a polite and smiling but disattached cardboard cutout that blends in well in most situations, but leaves no impression at all. But it's pretty much the same mask I always but on, one of total anonymity.

#L

 

[Kassiana]

We can't be our full selves with everyone, and shouldn't be. Not everyone we know is on the same level of intimate contact with us. I see no problem with that.

Sometimes masks are necessary for survival. I doubt I'd have survived over three years working for a hypocritical Christian political conservative without my mask, for example. Being honest about my real religious and political beliefs would have cost me my job.

Sure, you should have some people you can be yourself with. But it shouldn't include everyone. And yes, depending on who they are, you show different facets of yourself. It is not appropriate to treat your mother as if she were your spouse or your best friend. She should be treated like your mother.

Of course, I'm an introvert and don't get into the "tell everyone you meet about your sex life/operations/alcohol consumption" mode that huge numbers of people in American society seem to think is okay. For goodness' sake, I don't want to know that kind of thing about most people.

 

[R. Richard]

The problem according to the article is that we get lost in our masks, our facades become us.

That causes personal problems as our masks may diverge a very long way from who we really are.

When I went to high school the incompetents who ran said schools wanted me to drop my mask and show the real me. I didn't want to drop the mask. Finally, under forced draft, I dropped the mask and revealed who I really was. The incompetents who ran said schools immediately wanted me to assume a mask, their mask. After a lot of fine tuning, the incompetents who ran said schools finally found a mask they could live with. It was the same mask they initially wanted me to drop. Of course, in the process of satisfying the repressed sexual desires of those who ran the schools, I lost my college scholarships. However, in their minds, it was worth it because we just can't have people running around in masks, can we?

Be careful of what you wish for, you may wind up getting it.

 

[mismused]

deleted