Protocol

[Grvdigger]

After a discussion the other night I thought I would ask the questions here. It is about
protocol (o/l and r/l). To some protocol is very important, to others , they mold it to
wherever they are, what do you do? Also is your protocol tied directly to your personal beliefs about D/s
and bdsm, and how strong all they?

 

[Hecate]

My "protocol" mainly is based on rituals I would say, so this will be the definition the below is based on.

As those are something very personal, I only have a protocol in place when relating to "connected" people, as in my sub but not any sub in general.

Out of my relations and particularily out of a BDSM environment I am not expecting any protocol apart from the regular respect that I expect to be addressed with at all times, be it private or at work or wherever. Not as a Mistress, but as a person with a dignity and basic respect in my own right.

I do have slightly "higher standards" in addressing me and behaving around me for people I do stay in constant touch with, that are rerferring to me in a D/s context, be in close submissive friends or possible future mentees (is that a word as in me being the mentor and them being .. ....?) etc., but then again yuo could say that there is some form of relation between us already.

For example will "distantly related" subs as described above address me with the German more formal, respectful "Sie" while I use the more relaxed, familiar "du" in addressing them. I will though not require to be "titled" by them.

I would hope any wellmannered Gentleman I go out with would open the door for me and help me in and out of my jacket - my sub WILL do that without question! Another sub not mine and not being as courteous will maybe get a frown as I find it a general lack of manners in a man, just as will any other non-BDSM-related male in my presence.

As I live in small town and my career wouldn't really get much benefit on being "outed" in this very prudish environment I will adjust the depth of rituals/protocol to be suitable for public or private.

Was that what you were reffering to? or have I totally missed the point with my answer?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Hecate, so glad to see you posting with us again, I for one have missed you input.

If I may, I would like to use your model be cause it is close to what I do.

My "protocol" mainly is based on rituals I would say, so this will be the definition the below is based on.

As those are something very personal, I only have a protocol in place when relating to "connected" people, as in my sub but not any sub in general.

Yes, I agree here in that "connected" is a very good word to describe things.

"Connected" subs are required to behave in specific wasys to be as they have been taught to do so.

"Unconnected" subs are only required to use common courtesy without honorifics.

I do have slightly "higher standards" in addressing me and behaving around me for people I do stay in constant touch with, that are rerferring to me in a D/s context, be in close submissive friends or possible future mentees (is that a word as in me being the mentor and them being .. ....?) etc., but then again yuo could say that there is some form of relation between us already.

Again this is similar to my thinking. Depending on the relationship, they use my given name, my screen name, or they use Ma'am, depending on who they are and the nature of the relationship. Mentorees, usually call me Ma'am.

I would hope any wellmannered Gentleman I go out with would open the door for me and help me in and out of my jacket - my sub WILL do that without question! Another sub not mine and not being as courteous will maybe get a frown as I find it a general lack of manners in a man, just as will any other non-BDSM-related male in my presence.

I totally agree with you here.

As I live in small town and my career wouldn't really get much benefit on being "outed" in this very prudish environment I will adjust the depth of rituals/protocol to be suitable for public or private.


I am very private about my life, so I do not flaunt anything BDSM related or not. I am "outed" on a need to know basis.


I am interested as to what others will say here.

Ebony

 

[Richard49]

To me it is important
It is based on good manners,respect and identifcation

Now where I have problems .... since I am starting all over again ....

How do you communicate it and ones feelings about it?

 

[lilredwolph]

To me it is important
It is based on good manners,respect and identifcation

Now where I have problems .... since I am starting all over again ....

How do you communicate it and ones feelings about it?

Richard,
i think this maybe part of my stumbling block also, i am so used to the "good 'ole" days that i fear i will not be able to function in the "out of the closet" world of BDSM

lil red

 

[MsWorthy]

After a discussion the other night I thought I would ask the questions here. It is about
protocol (o/l and r/l). To some protocol is very important, to others , they mold it to
wherever they are, what do you do? Also is your protocol tied directly to your personal beliefs about D/s
and bdsm, and how strong all they?

Protocol is not important to me. We do not use any of it. In the beginning of our relationship we tried all sorts of things, titles and protocol included, and it seemed artificial to us. Being addressed as Mistress or Ma'am just seemed silly to me. I am much more interested in her attitude than in what she calls me.

I do have speech requirements, however. She is not to say certain phrases and words to me. For example, my partner is not allowed to cuss or criticize me in any way. If she has a problem with something I have said or done she is to address the issue in a polite manner and we will discuss it.

Sub/slave *positions*, kneeling, and down-cast eyes hold no interest for me, irl. I want to see her feelings in her eyes, and kneeling in a ritualized form does nothing for me. She is on her knees enough without my having her do it in a formal manner. ~smiles~

I do not use rituals either (although I would like to encorporate one or two) mostly because we have a child. Not two children or three, but one. For those of you with children, you know that having one child makes alone time more difficult because the rugrat looks to you (the adults) for most of her/his stimulation or conversation, and seems to believe that she/he should be included in every conversation/activity that takes place in the home. ~smiles~

I expect to be treated with simple respect and courtesy when interacting with people, in general. When I am in a d/s setting/arena, I expect the same; although, I will admit to expecting an acknowledgement of my *role* or *station*. This does not mean that I expect nor want others to address me as Ma'am or with any other honorific.

Online as in rl, I dislike being addressed as Mistress. If I were to allow this form of address it would be permitted only with a submissive whom I was commited to in some way (even if just commited to as a role play partner). I find this form of address much too familiar from someone who does not even know me. I do allow friends to address me as Ma'am, if she/he prefers it or is required to use this honorific by her/his domme.

I do request that my online play partner sit at my feet when we are role playing in chat, and occasionally require her to lower her eyes depending on the *scene* we are playing out, as this can increase the illusion of an exchange of power.

These things (protocol and rituals) are much less necessary irl, for me, because the power exchange is seen, felt, and literally in the air when you are face to face. It colors everything you do and every interaction that you have. I do believe that these things can spice up an exchange, but for me, they are not necessary.

Also is your protocol tied directly to your personal beliefs about D/s and bdsm, and how strong all they?

I am not sure what you are asking, here. Would you elaborate?

 

[Grvdigger]

Ty A/all for you post. MsWorthy , what I mean is that E/veryone has their own beliefs on D/s. Some of these are related in how ppl act or address others. What I was asking is does your personal belief effect how strong you feel on your personal protocol.

 

[MissTaken]

There are times that protocol is a great tool to add to sexual arousal or as a demonstration of affection, for me.

Do I need it in a relationship? No.

In fact, there are times it feels damn silly out of context.

However, this is just me, only me and my opinion.

And as we all know, there are varying degrees and interpretations of BDSM, as many as there are practitioners.

 

[lark sparrow]

I have the protocal online of being required to "speak" or rather type, in third person, though on the telephone and face to face this is rarely called for. (It was a special request/favor in allowing me to post here as a "normal" speaker, as that is the protocal here.)

Originally, I received this as a punishment of sorts for poking too much fun at those I perceived as mimicing this form of speech in a perfect online slave roleplay. However, more than several months later Mistress simply likes it... She enjoys the control and discipline, in focusing my speech pattern, and She feels it cuts back on my "sassiness" online in general. I would much prefer not to use third person speech at all - however, it is a rule that may or may not change with time, and my enjoyment of it is not a top priority. So, I appreciate Her trust in allowing me this little foray into VB protocal posting.

Another example would be in addressing Her as "Mistress" - no vanilla terms of endearment, publically or privately. If in mixed company it is acceptable to use Her name. Occasionally the term "Meanie" comes out of my mouth, and it is understood by both that She may decide to live up to that title in less pleasant ways if She remains unamused.

These examples of the protocal She chooses for me seem to be about highlighting the base D/s dynamic due to either Her personal preferences or in part, how She decides to respond to and shape my actions

 

[Ebonyfire]

How do you communicate it and ones feelings about it?

I personally just tell any potential sub who wants to deal with me what I expect.

I teach them how to communicate with me in the manner I want.


Eb