Problems Within A Relationship

[BiBunny]

I've thought long and hard about this, and I'm not entirely sure I should even post it. Oh, well, I've found I lean on fellow Litsters a lot more than I should, anyway, so here goes. I'm not going to get into specific problems because I don't want advice on what to do. I know what I need to do--talk to him--but I don't know how to approach it. That's why I need advice.

My relationship with B. is far from perfect. I've never expected it to be perfect...but I'm to the point now that I feel like I just give and give and give and get absolutely nothing in return. (Please don't interject that he's the Master, and I'm the slave--I realize that, but that's not the point of this post.) We have a lot of problems, and a lot of it is my fault because I've kept quiet and let things build up to the point that it's close to boiling over.

I feel as if he uses my feelings for him against me to get his way. I'm not denying that he treats me this way because I let him. I really want to talk to him about it, but I have no idea how to go about even bringing it up without it looking like I'm throwing down some kind of ultimatum ("You've got to treat me better, or I'm walking out that door, and you'll never see me again" type of thing). I'm tired of being upset about him all the time. It's not that I don't want to be with him; I just don't want to be with him like this anymore.

I'd like to add that I hate confrontation of any kind. That's one reason this has gone on as long as it has. I've always hoped it'd get better eventually if I just waited long enough. Yeah, that was an erroneous belief, but I'm going to try to remedy the situation. I want to work it out. Leaving is only a last-resort option in my mind. He's always encouraged me to be open with him; it's my own fault for not doing so sooner. Like I said, I just can't figure out how to talk to him about it without seeming like I'm hurling an ultimatum his way. Any suggestions?

 

[Byakuya]

just because someone is the Dom/Master doesn't mean he should only be in the business of taking care of his own needs and wants.. when a Sub gives up control to a Master, it's assumed that the Master will take care of the Sub and look out for his/her interests.. in my opinion, being a Dom doesn't mean you get to sit around watching TV while your Sub does all the housework, cooks for you, cleans up after you, etc.. there should be give and take in the relationship..

I don't know if I've really answered your question except that maybe you could somehow explain to him that Subs have needs too.. sorry I can't help more.. I'm not very experienced in the whole scene..

 

[CutieMouse]

1) acknowledge you have had a role in things getting a bit dysfunctual
2) reinforce that you do want to continue the relationship
3) frame the rest of the discussion in the terms of "I see XYZ as an issue, what can we each/both do to imrpove upon/fix XYZ?"







** please note, I'm essentially royally single, and not so hot at the facing confrontation stuff, myself, so this would be therapy speak, which I've hd success with in the past, but don't necessarily always remember to utilize, myself.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Just a personal observation

I know I may become blissfully ignorant when things are quiet in a relationship. I like having things going smoothly so why upset the cart. It's why we say outfits look good on woman when they don't. As we want to get to ate sometime that night. That being said I'm not just a dominant for the easy times. So if road gets rocky and we both hold on tight nothing should be too hard to fix. Don't know if my rambling helped but was meant well.

 

[Yasashii_Kaze]

I believe there is a way of saying something like, "I'm concerned about this," without him feeling that you're calling it quits. I agree that this should definitely be talked about sooner rather than later. I've learned from experience that hiding how I'm feeling rarely helps a situation, and nearly always makes me feel worse. I wish I had better advice for you, but good luck anyway!

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... Like I said, I just can't figure out how to talk to him about it without seeming like I'm hurling an ultimatum his way. Any suggestions?

"Sir, I'm having some problems dealing with some feelings and frustrations of mine. It's difficult for me to share these with you and I want to know that it's okay for me to share how I'm feeling...."

Then use "I feel <insert emotion here>" statements, do NOT say "you make me feel so <insert emotion here>." share your feelings, do not make accusations. Acknowledge that you have had a hand in this because you have been afraid to communicate these feelings with him until now.

And it IS fear that's kept you silent.

I tell janey repeatedly - "I am NOT a mind reader. If I ask you 'what's wrong?' and you say 'nothing, Sir.' I operate as if nothing is wrong." End of discussion. YOU have to let him know when something is bothering him.

Subtle hints don't work. Obvious hints don't work. Neon lit signs with arrows saying "HINT! HINT!" don't work. Beating around the bush doesn't work (well, not when discussing relationship issues... in SM play beating around the bush is kinda hot... *grin* )

Saying what you mean and what you feel works.

Allow that he may get upset. He's human and has feelings too. Ideally though, he will be mature and calm and level-headed and will LISTEN to what you have to say and will give consideration and thought before replying.

Of course, if he gets angry, defensive, aggressive, refuses to acknowledge your feelings or concerns, THAT is an answer of another kind too and tells you a great deal about him and his character.

It isn't easy. Trust me I know.

Best of luck hon! {{{{{HUG}}}}}

 

[myinnerslut]

since Sir and i are long distance most of the time, we have some communication issues too sometimes. i usually just say "Sir, can i talk to you?" followed by, "can i speak freely?" (feeling like i have to restrict what im saying due to my submissive status is not condusive to talking about issues) then the comversation usually starts with "i have a hard time saying this so please bear with me whilei get through this, but can we talk about *****."

 

[bob69carter]

taking control

Get a strapon dildo, strap it on and wake him in the middle of the night by arse fucking him. As he wakes and screams, tell him that if he doesn't respect your slave status you are going to do this to him every night that he dis's you

 

[catalina_francisco]

BB, please bear with me too as this is also difficult to say, but if this is the same one who was cheating on someone else with you, and broke it off to make her happy then wanted you to take up as if nothing happened once he felt he had the other girl suitably believing he would never do such a dastardly thing to her again, I am of a mind you are fighting a losing battle. As many of us said at that time, he has everything he wants and doesn't have to do anything in return, so why would he care about doing so now. Unlike EG, I know for a fact many men pick up on the feelings running underneath, often when they are already aware of what it is that may be a problem or they are doing to contribute to that feeling. I do not believe this guy of yours is totally oblivious, he just doesn't feel the need to put himself out or do anything he doesn't want to when he already has it pretty good without doing anything basically.

If he really cared about you and the other girl, IMHO he wouldn't be doing wrong by both of you, but he doesn't and he continues to have his cake and eat it too while both of you are cheated of what you want and need from him. You might have to make a decision again as to whether you want to continue to feel you are being used in this way, or whether you want to bite the bullet and find someone who will be interested in you and what you have to offer enough to care and make you feel valued for who you are. This is not said to hurt you as I truly believe you deserve way better than someone who keeps you as his dirty little secret and treats you in much the same way in a negative sense (not positive/fun way) because he is self involved and can get away with it. I could be wrong so by all means talk to him, but I haven't seen that he has changed his behaviour or made up for how he treated you last year.

Catalina

 

[Toa_lin]

BB, please bear with me too as this is also difficult to say, but if this is the same one who was cheating on someone else with you, and broke it off to make her happy then wanted you to take up as if nothing happened once he felt he had the other girl suitably believing he would never do such a dastardly thing to her again, I am of a mind you are fighting a losing battle. As many of us said at that time, he has everything he wants and doesn't have to do anything in return, so why would he care about doing so now. Unlike EG, I know for a fact many men pick up on the feelings running underneath, often when they are already aware of what it is that may be a problem or they are doing to contribute to that feeling. I do not believe this guy of yours is totally oblivious, he just doesn't feel the need to put himself out or do anything he doesn't want to when he already has it pretty good without doing anything basically.

If he really cared about you and the other girl, IMHO he wouldn't be doing wrong by both of you, but he doesn't and he continues to have his cake and eat it too while both of you are cheated of what you want and need from him. You might have to make a decision again as to whether you want to continue to feel you are being used in this way, or whether you want to bite the bullet and find someone who will be interested in you and what you have to offer enough to care and make you feel valued for who you are. This is not said to hurt you as I truly believe you deserve way better than someone who keeps you as his dirty little secret and treats you in much the same way in a negative sense (not positive/fun way) because he is self involved and can get away with it. I could be wrong so by all means talk to him, but I haven't seen that he has changed his behaviour or made up for how he treated you last year.

Catalina

I'm not able to say much in respionse to this, for I wasn't around during said time period, and as such, have limited knowledge. All i CAN say on behalf of men in general, ((which btw, i normally don't do unless I have VERY good reason since I'm only 19 and most men in their late teens are still major scumbags)) that yes, alot of times we see there are feelings running beneath the bridge, but we can't distinguish between what they are in all that running water, and so will ask, "Is something wrong?"

If U tell us that everything's fine, we may know it's not, but decide it's your business, and will tell us when your ready, so we drop it. Which can lead to some major issues of there own, but if we keep trying to confront it, that could lead to major issues off the bat. So I guess I'm saying, "Just cause we know it's there, doesn't mean we know what u want us to do about it."

Just some food for thought.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm not able to say much in respionse to this, for I wasn't around during said time period, and as such, have limited knowledge. All i CAN say on behalf of men in general, ((which btw, i normally don't do unless I have VERY good reason since I'm only 19 and most men in their late teens are still major scumbags)) that yes, alot of times we see there are feelings running beneath the bridge, but we can't distinguish between what they are in all that running water, and so will ask, "Is something wrong?"

If U tell us that everything's fine, we may know it's not, but decide it's your business, and will tell us when your ready, so we drop it. Which can lead to some major issues of there own, but if we keep trying to confront it, that could lead to major issues off the bat. So I guess I'm saying, "Just cause we know it's there, doesn't mean we know what u want us to do about it."

Just some food for thought.

LOL, I'm more than aware of that at the ripe young age of 49, but it is also the case that many men would just prefer to ignore and hope it goes away thus they quite happily as you say, decide an initial vague reaponse is a good excuse to decide it is their own business. When in a D/s relationship, I tend to think it is just as in a vanilla relationship, a matter of being genuinely concerned about your SO and relationship to find ways to convey an understanding you actually would like to know, even if as is sometimes the case, you can't do anything but be supportive.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I've thought long and hard about this, and I'm not entirely sure I should even post it. Oh, well, I've found I lean on fellow Litsters a lot more than I should, anyway, so here goes. I'm not going to get into specific problems because I don't want advice on what to do. I know what I need to do--talk to him--but I don't know how to approach it. That's why I need advice.

My relationship with B. is far from perfect. I've never expected it to be perfect...but I'm to the point now that I feel like I just give and give and give and get absolutely nothing in return. (Please don't interject that he's the Master, and I'm the slave--I realize that, but that's not the point of this post.) We have a lot of problems, and a lot of it is my fault because I've kept quiet and let things build up to the point that it's close to boiling over.

I feel as if he uses my feelings for him against me to get his way. I'm not denying that he treats me this way because I let him. I really want to talk to him about it, but I have no idea how to go about even bringing it up without it looking like I'm throwing down some kind of ultimatum ("You've got to treat me better, or I'm walking out that door, and you'll never see me again" type of thing). I'm tired of being upset about him all the time. It's not that I don't want to be with him; I just don't want to be with him like this anymore.

I'd like to add that I hate confrontation of any kind. That's one reason this has gone on as long as it has. I've always hoped it'd get better eventually if I just waited long enough. Yeah, that was an erroneous belief, but I'm going to try to remedy the situation. I want to work it out. Leaving is only a last-resort option in my mind. He's always encouraged me to be open with him; it's my own fault for not doing so sooner. Like I said, I just can't figure out how to talk to him about it without seeming like I'm hurling an ultimatum his way. Any suggestions?

Basically you sound like things have become intolerable but you don't want to admit that. Either things will change or you will wind up admitting that they're intolerable and move on, or you will accept them as they are.

I made the decision to accept someone I love exactly as he is, so far from ideal it's not even funny. Accept that he fills holes in his life with fling of the moment, accept that he's full of contradictions, accept that he'll never be the person to come home to. Everyone else will tell me till the last day of my life that this was crazy, wrong, evil, bad, hurtful, a lie, and frankly it's my decision, my acceptance and my love to give.

When I'm frustrated I look at the situation and say to myself "yeah but who is he?" You know this tiger. It's not going to change its stripes for you, it hasn't yet and it never will. Either shrug and go "well, stripes." Or find a leopard.

There is nobody in the world who can grant you happiness but you. I had the benefit with this person, however, of a mutual understanding that I'll never be all things to him and he'll never be all things to me. If he's the center of your mental universe and doesn't allow you to populate it with other meaningful things (intentionally or not) but you are NOT the center of his mental universe, something's got to give.

 

[CutieMouse]

There is nobody in the world who can grant you happiness but you. I had the benefit with this person, however, of a mutual understanding that I'll never be all things to him and he'll never be all things to me. If he's the center of your mental universe and doesn't allow you to populate it with other meaningful things (intentionally or not) but you are NOT the center of his mental universe, something's got to give.

Well said.

 

[BiBunny]

Well, cat, I said I wasn't going to get into the specific issues, but you summed them up for me more or less. And Netz is right, too. It has become intolerable. I can't even think about him anymore without fighting back tears. I'm not going to get into the concept of fairness in a M/s relationship here, but...it's just not fair. (Insert pissed-off three-year-old voice here.)

Part of me does want to give him an ultimatum. Part of me wants to say, "If you don't care about me any more than that, then just leave me alone." But I know that if I do, I have to be prepared for him to do just that. I believe he cares about me. I really do. Does he care enough to try to make things better? Or would he just throw it away because it's too much trouble? I don't know. For that reason, I don't want to lay it all on the line like that right now. Would I be better off without him? Maybe. Can I deal with that? I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm ready to make that decision now.

Like Netz said, it's my love to give. It's just to the point where it hurts more to give it than I think I can stand anymore. I'm sorry for rambling, y'all. I just don't know how to bring it up, how to talk to him, anything. I'm just tired of being miserable. If I didn't love him, I'd have walked away a long time ago. I can talk to him about anything, but I've never been good at talking about how I feel to anyone. I know if I sit down with him to try to sort it out, I'll get upset, confuse myself, and forget most of what I wanted to say. I could write it down, but I'd feel like an idiot reading to him, LOL. I don't know. There's got to be a way to do something about it, but I don't know what it is. Like cat said, I wonder sometimes if I am fighting a losing battle.

Again, I'm sorry for going on and on. Thanks for the advice, everybody, and, even more than that, thanks for listening. Hugs all around.

 

[Toa_lin]

and hugs back BB, I'd give em to you normally, but right now, sounds u nee dthem more tehn normal, so double huggs for you, adn good-luck. I'll le tthose older and wiser provide teh rest of advise, cus though i may b a bit mature for my age, they have the experience lol. Good luck, hope things turn out well.

 

[the captians wench]

Well, cat, I said I wasn't going to get into the specific issues, but you summed them up for me more or less. And Netz is right, too. It has become intolerable. I can't even think about him anymore without fighting back tears. I'm not going to get into the concept of fairness in a M/s relationship here, but...it's just not fair. (Insert pissed-off three-year-old voice here.)

Part of me does want to give him an ultimatum. Part of me wants to say, "If you don't care about me any more than that, then just leave me alone." But I know that if I do, I have to be prepared for him to do just that. I believe he cares about me. I really do. Does he care enough to try to make things better? Or would he just throw it away because it's too much trouble? I don't know. For that reason, I don't want to lay it all on the line like that right now. Would I be better off without him? Maybe. Can I deal with that? I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm ready to make that decision now.

Like Netz said, it's my love to give. It's just to the point where it hurts more to give it than I think I can stand anymore. I'm sorry for rambling, y'all. I just don't know how to bring it up, how to talk to him, anything. I'm just tired of being miserable. If I didn't love him, I'd have walked away a long time ago. I can talk to him about anything, but I've never been good at talking about how I feel to anyone. I know if I sit down with him to try to sort it out, I'll get upset, confuse myself, and forget most of what I wanted to say. I could write it down, but I'd feel like an idiot reading to him, LOL. I don't know. There's got to be a way to do something about it, but I don't know what it is. Like cat said, I wonder sometimes if I am fighting a losing battle.

Again, I'm sorry for going on and on. Thanks for the advice, everybody, and, even more than that, thanks for listening. Hugs all around.

Sweetheart, I think the reason why you are having such a hard time with this might be because you're afraid you already know his responce. You really need to decide, can you live with being second? Obviously this other girl is taking priority in his life, and obviously she always will, so the question is can you deal with that? and it sounds like you need more than just left over bits here and there.

If this were a case where I thought that he might have a deep interest in keeping you happy, then I would sujest just saying "there's something I'd like to talk about" or something along those lines, and then telling him what is on your mind. However I personally don't believe that he really would want to put that much effort into you. Granted I have limited knowledge of him and your relationship, but if he was so willing to just dump you with 3 sentences over the phone because he got caught, how can you believe that he'd be willing to put any effort into this relationship. Forgive me if this sounds harsh, and I really hate to say this but you're just his fun on the side as far as I can tell, and that's all you're ever going to be with him. Now either you can suck it up and deal with being in that position, or you can find some one who's going to make you center of their world. That's something only you can decide. but darlin, as far as I can tell, you're worth far more than being some one's second.

 

[satindesire]

I have been there.

And as harsh as this may sound, things WILL continue on it's path until you do something about it. Men aren't apt to change for 'fun on the side' or the 'Miss Right Now" because all you are to him is a different hole to screw. I know this is really sounding mean but you need to WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COLLAR girl, if it walks like a duck...

If he LOVED you, not just 'cared' about you, he wouldn't be acting like this at all. No WHOLE, sane, trustworthy individual would ever put an innocent woman such as yourself through this kind of trauma.

You have two choices. Stay with him and continue to allow him to treat you like this...Because it IS as much your fault as it is his...you stay, you get treated like that, end of story...

Or you can leave and find yourself a Dom who will cherish you and be FAIR to you...not treat you like you're the back burner.

I was with a man who cheated on me, physically and emotionally abused me, told me EVERY day I was lazy, unattractive, and would never make anything of myself. And you know what? I don't deserve one LICK of sympathy from anyone. I kept myself in that situation when I could have easily left. I feel for you, because I know the kind of hurt you feel, the kind of helplessness you feel. But that feeling won't go away until you DO something about it.

You might say "It's easier said than done!" But let me tell you a fact that you might not understand until it's too late. It is actually easier done than said. All you have to do is -REALLY- understand that this man will not change, will not treat you better, and will continue acting as he pleases because his life is pleasing to HIM...(the one that really matters) and just....go. Leave. Pack your belongings and look him in the eye and tell him..."I love you. But I deserve more than this." And then you WALK AWAY.



We are all products of our own choices. Choose to grab live by the balls and say "I WILL GET WHAT I DESERVE!!" And then GO for it. Don't let anyone, not even a Dom, stand in your way of total contentment.

Much love and many prayers sent your way.

 

[BiBunny]

It sounds so pathetic when you all put it that way. I don't know why I put up with it, either. It's not the fact that he has another girl that bothers me. Hell, I've got a girlfriend, too. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm something he should be ashamed of. It's gotten to where I'm starting to believe that I really am something to be ashamed of.

I can't do it anymore. I don't even think I can talk to him about it. Like wenchie said, he's not going to care, anyway. I'm going to take a couple of days to get my thoughts together and then...I don't know. I really don't think I can confront him with it. Would it be entirely too childish and stupid to just send him an email, telling him how I feel and telling him that I won't be bothering him anymore? That if he really wants me, he'll have to do something about it because I'm not going to anymore?

I'm afraid if I actually try to have a conversation with him that he'll just say something to smooth it over, and I'll fall back in all over again. He didn't think any more of me than to call me and dump me over the phone last year, so I guess I don't owe it to him to do it face-to-face. I guess stupid me believes that maybe, just maybe, if I say "If you want me, do something about it," that it might help him see the light. I doubt it. I swear to God, loving this man is like drowning--it doesn't matter how hard you try to get away; he's going to drag you farther and farther in, anyway.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense. I can hardly see what I'm typing through the tears in my eyes. Thanks again for listening. I'm sorry I've wasted so much bandwidth on this guy. Thanks so much, guys.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

Ok question if he dumped you over the phone, then why are you back with him again.

 

[pandoravampire]

"Does he care enough to try to make things better? Or would he just throw it away because it's too much trouble? I don't know. "

He is your dominant. You should know that the answer is YES.

You are a submissive. As a submissive, you should know that the answer is YES.

But you do. Your later post says that "you do know that you have to leave. But im not ready to take that huge leap of faith, yet." or words to that effect.
I understand this predicament so well. As clearly do others here. This is not a bdsm issue. This is a relationship issue.

But back to your current predicament, of knowing that you need to leave, but too scared to take the leap.

I feel so motherly typing this, forgive me, but mine have grown and flown the nest, so your going to get my mum vibes of this sunday.

I believe, that in relationships you become 'addicted' to that person. Well, the intense ones anyhow. Imagine you were a drug addict, he is supplying your drug. Only, he been cutting his drugs with white powder lately, and you've gone into withdrawal, on more than one occasion, due to not getting what you need on time.
Dont just leave him. Suddenly. Take some time, which is time ltd, (you dont want to be stuck in a bad space for long love, it saps your energy and life force!) say 3 weeks.

For now, forget about leaving him. Because that bit has been done, its how?
Where for instance would you like to live?
How will your earning potential be able to finance this?
Are you entitled to government assistance with a benefit of some sort? Do a google on it.
If you cant afford it, then temporarily, you might have to use some unfavourable options, like the parents? Grandparents, Aunts OR housesharing, or a caravan. How low? how lower down the social pit are you prepared to go? Temporarily? Nobody is saying, that where you run to, is where you will stay. As long as you are prepared to restart, its always beneficial and progressive i find.
Fantacise about what you'd really like sunday mornings to be like, if it were just you to please? Would you read the paper in bed, would you bla bla. Begin to imagine your new life. ITs kinda a blank canvass. You can put on it, whatever you like. Your gonna be able to add, mates, girls nights out/in, lay in's, really cheesy dvd's. Your shopping, alone! whatever youve yearned for. ITs yours.
So when you have worked out, what you can afford. How you would finance your new life. Start looking where?
What facilities does the new place have that you need. University, retail, hospitality, night life. Potential for meeting new friends. Does it have for instance a munch you could join?
So now you know what, how, where, maybe you have saved a little along the way? allways a good plan! But seems so callous and cold. Yet i profited from exiting slowly on one occasion similar to that you describe.
Start by changing all the bills into his name. Arrange for a final reading before you go, so that you can square up fairly and as guilt free.
On being guilt free. Dont do anything bloody stupid, like go out to play with another. Its so messy, and you'll feel guilty later.
Golden opportunities.
These arent at all like what we are led to believe they look like. They are actually quite dimly lit, drab things at times. But they are opportunities none the less.

Find someone you can trust. Tell them what is happening for you, and the resolution that YOU have put together, ask them for their support in achieving this. Someone you can call, that second before you dial 'his' number, desperate for a fix. But that would feed your addiction, so you cant go there again.

Then at the end of you own allotted time frame, or before, should a 'golden opportunity' fall in your lap. Step out, not into an Abyss, but into as good an opportunity for success as you could muster, under the circumstances.

I wish you all the best. I am excited that this opportunity to leave a bad space has come to your attention. Well done, so many refuse to see the the truth.

pandoravampire

 

[BiBunny]

Thank you, pandoravampire, but I don't have to worry about most of those things. We don't live together or anything, thank God.

And, leeroy, I'm back together with him because he asked me to be, and I'm a big fucking idiot.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Well, cat, I said I wasn't going to get into the specific issues, but you summed them up for me more or less. And Netz is right, too. It has become intolerable. I can't even think about him anymore without fighting back tears. I'm not going to get into the concept of fairness in a M/s relationship here, but...it's just not fair. (Insert pissed-off three-year-old voice here.)

Part of me does want to give him an ultimatum. Part of me wants to say, "If you don't care about me any more than that, then just leave me alone." But I know that if I do, I have to be prepared for him to do just that. I believe he cares about me. I really do. Does he care enough to try to make things better? Or would he just throw it away because it's too much trouble? I don't know. For that reason, I don't want to lay it all on the line like that right now. Would I be better off without him? Maybe. Can I deal with that? I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm ready to make that decision now.

Like Netz said, it's my love to give. It's just to the point where it hurts more to give it than I think I can stand anymore. I'm sorry for rambling, y'all. I just don't know how to bring it up, how to talk to him, anything. I'm just tired of being miserable. If I didn't love him, I'd have walked away a long time ago. I can talk to him about anything, but I've never been good at talking about how I feel to anyone. I know if I sit down with him to try to sort it out, I'll get upset, confuse myself, and forget most of what I wanted to say. I could write it down, but I'd feel like an idiot reading to him, LOL. I don't know. There's got to be a way to do something about it, but I don't know what it is. Like cat said, I wonder sometimes if I am fighting a losing battle.

Again, I'm sorry for going on and on. Thanks for the advice, everybody, and, even more than that, thanks for listening. Hugs all around.

bunny,
you say that it hurts too bad to give your love anymore, i think that says alot right there i know it's not easy to make this type of decision but if you are not happy, and he has not changed this time around, chances are he's not going to change, no matter what feelings you convey to him. if he cared about you as you say you know he does, why would he make you his dirty little secret? i vaguely remember a thread when i first came on this board about all of this, and if i'm remembering correctly, the other woman made him leave you when she found out about you, right?? and then he comes back and wants you to take him back like nothing happens?? that just doesn't ring as 'caring' to me. you are a great person bunny, and you deserve to be happy. don't be afraid to tell him how you feel simply because you are a submissive. it doesn't matter, you're still a person, with true feelings. the M/s dynamic here does not matter IMHO. and i agree with you, it's not fair. sometimes the fear of being alone is enough to make us stay somewhere that we KNOW is never going to change, but it's easier because it's comfortable, but if you are miserable, as i've gotten from you posts so far, then it may be time to give that ultimatum. and if he does leave, well, then you can begin to heal from the whole thing, it's not fair to you to be in a relationship where you give give give and get nothing in return, i don't care if it's a M/s relationship or a 'nilla one, it should never be one sided. good luck and keep your chin up. don't let yourself be walked on because you're scared, say how you feel, even if you DO have to write it down for him. ::::Hugs::::

 

[Toa_lin]

Thank you, pandoravampire, but I don't have to worry about most of those things. We don't live together or anything, thank God.

And, leeroy, I'm back together with him because he asked me to be, and I'm a big fucking idiot.

First off, pandora provided some great advice, and it's a good thing in the end you don't live with him etc. All this post of mine is in response to that last comment you made. YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING IDIOT. I know idiots, i know screw-ups, i've lived with them and dealt with them long enough i can now tell who is and who isn't with a simple glance. And all i need to know for me to tell your not one of them, is that you came here for help, you came here for advice.

You saw the problem, couldn't find a viable solution alone, so you saught out help, that's not being an idiot, that's the opposite, you're being smart. So what if you let him talk you back into being with him agian, you said yourself, part of you loves him, and emotions like love over-ride logic far too easily. Does that make you an idiot? HELL NO. Does that make you human? HELL YES. DO NOT beat yourself up over going back to him. I re-peat DO NOT beat yourself up over that.

So you made a mistake by doing so, big deal, every1 messes up sometime, it's only natural. The ONLY way you'd be a "big fucking idiot" with this, is if you didn't decide to go with what will make you happiest in the end, in your own oppinion. Anything else, just makes you human, that's it, nothing else. Okay BB? You're not a fucking idiot or a screw up.

sry about my rant, this is partially influenced because a close friend has been beating herself up for being a "screw up" all day as well, that's why i was a bit more passionate in this then normal. Anywho, /rant.

 

[CutieMouse]

Aww sweetie... the point at which you realize you are internalising his shame, is the point at which ya gotta suck up and remember to love yourself more than he does.

You do not owe him a dignified end/closure; you do owe yourself a dignified end/closure. If that can't be done in person (yes I know how hard it is to do that), then a simple phonecall saying goodbye is fine. If a phone call is too hard, an email is fine. What do *you* need in terms of ending things to feel good about yourself?

Trust me- being alone is quite a bit better than playing second fiddle. It sounds like you won't even be alone, per say- you have a girlfriend, you have friends, you have a gang of people at Lit who care about you... see? What is some guy who pushes his shame on you, compared to all that?

I'd strongly consider blocking his phone number and email, and removing him/blocking him from IM, once you've ended things. If he's sweet talked his way back in once, he'll probably try it again (when he needs whatever "fix" an on the side relationship with you provided).

Now go have some chocolate like a good girl.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

Thank you, pandoravampire, but I don't have to worry about most of those things. We don't live together or anything, thank God.

And, leeroy, I'm back together with him because he asked me to be, and I'm a big fucking idiot.

No it sounds like you wanted to be with someone rather be alone. I can understand that feeling very well. I am on the other side of things, I know alot of woman but I can't seem to attract someone that wants to be in a relationship with me. So I take what I can get and just make due. I am trying to change this by getting out more with my social peers, but then again my social life is bdsm so there is a bit of a limit to whom I will see.