Post here if you dare taking on a perky editorial!

[perks]

Post a poem, and let me have at it, no holds barred.

 

[karmadog]

Ooh, pick me, pick me!!!

This was a particularly difficult form for me, but have at it!

Vicious Bitter
by karmadog ©

Sometimes vicious and frequently bitter
Her favourite colors are grey, green, and blue
Her house fat with cats and their litter
With those kind of legs, what could I do?

Her favorite colors are grey, green, and blue
Her eyes of three colors: sky, sea and lake
With those kind of legs what could I do?
I took what I could take.

Her eyes of three colors: sky, sea and lake
Immortal youth made a fool feel bold
I took what I could take.
Both none the wiser but certainly old

Immortal youth made a fool feel bold
Her house fat with cats and their litter
Both none the wiser though certainly old
Sometimes vicious and frequently bitter.

 

[Rybka]

Hey, P.B.

I asked S.J. for his thoughts, but he never responded, so if you want, try this one when you have a moment:My Father's Sky - Growling.

By the way, to get you in a proper mood, I don't like the word "Perky"! "Perky" and "pert" are way overused - far beyond trite!

Regards,                 Rybka

 

[perks]

Re: Ooh, pick me, pick me!!!

This was a particularly difficult form for me, but have at it!

Vicious Bitter
by karmadog ©

Sometimes vicious and frequently bitter
Her favourite colors are grey, green, and blue
Her house fat with cats and their litter
With those kind of legs, what could I do?

Her favorite colors are grey, green, and blue
Her eyes of three colors: sky, sea and lake
With those kind of legs what could I do?
I took what I could take.

Her eyes of three colors: sky, sea and lake
Immortal youth made a fool feel bold
I took what I could take.
Both none the wiser but certainly old

Immortal youth made a fool feel bold
Her house fat with cats and their litter
Both none the wiser though certainly old
Sometimes vicious and frequently bitter.

*Title I love the title and even though it goes against my "putting flour on top of the cake" theory. It still works, because it is so poignant. However, I wish those words weren't so soonly repeated.

*What is this structure? Is this a known form? Or are you just trying to amaze me? I love what you've done with it. I loved wrapping my eyes around your curveballs.

*Sincerely, I could not change a thing, your structure is strong. It excuses the sparse adjectives and makes the simplicity of your vocabulary beautiful.

All around, Kdog, I love this poem, and could imagine it published in an anthology I would pay money for.

 

[Angeline]

Ok lemmie at it

Vicious Bitter
by karmadog ©

Sometimes vicious and frequently bitter
Her favourite colors are grey, green, and blue
Her house fat with cats and their litter
With those kind of legs, what could I do?

Her favorite colors are grey, green, and blue
Her eyes of three colors: sky, sea and lake
With those kind of legs what could I do?
I took what I could take.

Her eyes of three colors: sky, sea and lake
Immortal youth made a fool feel bold
I took what I could take.
Both none the wiser but certainly old

Immortal youth made a fool feel bold
Her house fat with cats and their litter
Both none the wiser though certainly old
Sometimes vicious and frequently bitter.

Did I mention that I edit for a living? (hehehe).

One small point.

1. Inconsistent use of serial comma (distant cousin of serial killer, lol):

grey, green, and blue

sky, sea and lake

You should pick a usage and be consistent with it. This is not an e.e. cummings type form, so thing like punctuation inconsistencies stand our more. Most style guides will tell you the last comma in a series has become passe, but I think it's a clean look to use it. (Only an opinionated hussy would nitpick at this level, I know.)

Other than that, I love this poem. It is my favorite of kdog's. I love the way the repetitions give it this circular, vulnerable quality, as if the speaker keeps questioning where it went wrong. Really a wonderful poem.

 

[karmadog]

*What is this structure? Is this a known form? Or are you just trying to amaze me? I love what you've done with it. I loved wrapping my eyes around your curveballs.

Hmm, wrapping your eyes around my curvey balls. Works for me. The form is called a pantoum. I believe the rules can be found in the thread called 'Muffin's (or Muffie's) form of the month'.

Man, that wasn't much of a beating, but thank you.

You know, I didn't even notice the comma problem. I was taught to leave off the last comma, but I came to realize that those style guides are wrong and I've been trying to break the bad habit every since.

I can't believe you didn't smack me for the absolutely awful use of rhythm. It's choppy and all over the place.

With those kind of legs, what could I do?

What kind of legs? Are they wooden? Knock-kneed? Kentucky Fried?

Immortal youth made a fool feel bold

Archaic sounding. It doesn't fit the modern language in the rest of the poem. In the context of the poem it feels forced and even hackneyed.

Her eyes of three colors: sky, sea and lake

You've already mentioned that her favorite colors are grey, green, and blue, is she vain about her eyes? I think this is a forced line to make the rhyme scheme work.

Overall, I would say that this poem has potential, but that other than two, possibly three lines this cries out for a rewrite, and at least two extra commas. You got a little lazy, 'dog.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Hey, P.B.

I asked S.J. for his thoughts, but he never responded, so if you want, try this one when you have a moment:My Father's Sky - Growling.

Rybka, have mercy on me It is a difficult poem. I need quality time to devote to it if I were to make any sensible comment. I hope that others will. It may make it easier for me too.

Best regards,

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Ooh, pick me, pick me!!!

This was a particularly difficult form for me, but have at it!

Vicious Bitter
by karmadog ©

[...]

The title of your poem should be

        podiatrist's dilemma

Karmadog, I am glad for you that others like your poem. I don't see how. It is a torture to read it. You've got just some elements. But the poem, despite the intention of its form, doesn't roll, it is like a tire full of holes on a bumpy road, it doesn't roll. The "mystery" sentence:

        I took what I could take

is a cheap, apoetic bluff or a simplistic sexual allusion. Either way...

To use a pronoun before an object is defined is almost always bad. Poets do it all the time. It gives the effect of "poeticity". But like your line above, such pronouns are nothing but a bluff, void of poetry.

You do it, when you say "those kind" (of legs). It is meaningless. You are just avoiding the poet's work, you do not let readers be convinced on their own. (Sometimes, but rarely, this method is justified. Not here). And whose legs are you taling about? The narrator's legs? Does litter have legs? Grammatically looking at your statement I would think that the narrator is preoccupied with the litter's legs. Or cats'?

You just have started to write this poem. You are not even half way there. It's not a question of editing your poem but of creating it. Good luck,

 

[perks]

Hmm, wrapping your eyes around my curvey balls. Works for me. The form is called a pantoum. I believe the rules can be found in the thread called 'Muffin's (or Muffie's) form of the month'.

Man, that wasn't much of a beating, but thank you.

I beat as I see fit. I don't claim to be a poetry wiz, only to have my perspective.

You know, I didn't even notice the comma problem. I was taught to leave off the last comma, but I came to realize that those style guides are wrong and I've been trying to break the bad habit every since.

I don't think there is a comma problem. The inconsistency, that angeline noted, I noticed. However, I thought it was how you wanted the poem to be read out loud, without the pause there.

I can't believe you didn't smack me for the absolutely awful use of rhythm. It's choppy and all over the place.

Do you think so? I don't find that, when I read it. It flows smoothly with my voice, maybe I should read it to you. It's isn't metered, there isn't any iambic pentameter going on, but is that part of the poem's form? I do not know, I'll have to check out the form in more detail.

What kind of legs? Are they wooden? Knock-kneed? Kentucky Fried?

they're her legs, sugah. You painted her with the rest of your words and imagery.

archaic sounding. It doesn't fit the modern language in the rest of the poem. In the context of the poem it feels forced and even hackneyed.

damn, son, you're harder on your poetry than anyone else can be. This was actually, one of my favorite lines in your poem. It added a bit of colloquial feeling to your poem, for me.

I've already mentioned that her favorite colors are grey, green, and blue, is she vain about her eyes? I think this is a forced line to make the rhyme scheme work.

The three colors and then the three colors add to the inner structure of the poem. I did dissect this poem and reword some of the lines, but the way you wrote it, worked best for me, but ONLY because of the structure. If this were written with none of this form, it would have been shit. As I stated, before, it's your structure that makes the poem.

Overall, I would say that this poem has potential, but that other than two, possibly three lines this cries out for a rewrite, and at least two extra commas. You got a little lazy, 'dog.

I don't agree with your assessment. I put time and effort into my opinion. I just don't agree with you. That's entirely fine with me. If you rework it and come up with what you think is better, I'd love to see something that fits your standard and speaks to you.

 

[perks]

after reading everyone else's editorials, I feel that I don't have anything of substance to offer with mine. I'm going to go work on my own writing, as I live in a glass house. Sorry, Rybka that I won't be editing yours or anyone else's in the near future. I'm just not up to all of your levels.

 

[Rybka]

DRAT...

and DANG IT!

COWARDS!!! ALL OF YOU!


Regards,                 Rybka

 

[karmadog]

after reading everyone else's editorials, I feel that I don't have anything of substance to offer with mine.

Oh, perky, I don't agree. You did a fine job. I just know where the weaknesses are on that poem.

I would love to hear you read that poem aloud. I really can't get it to read well at all.

podiatrist's dilemma

Now that's funny. But this poor poem was born without feet. Perhaps the poet was drinking during the conception and pregnancy. Would be a good title, though.

 

[OT]

REL Drat and Dangit

Rybka,

RE: Father's Sky - Growling

It is a difficult read. Or more correctly, it's difficult to analyze.

I liked reading it with its interesting phrases and snippets of imagery, but I'll confess to being more than a little confused about many of the phrases and the over all theme of the piece.

What I carried away (and liked about the poem) was the image of the lingering presence of a dominant/harsh/powerful father figure.
(He even owns and perhaps controls the sky)

The first stanza:
The "growling brown ... seeping..." along with a later reference to "temple wound" gave me the impression that the father committed suicide.

You lost me with:
"moonswung tides of machinery"
"bury in bands"
Try as I might, I could not find a context for the phrases.

The "SKY" break, seemed to start an entirely different piece, at which point my confusion spiraled out of control.

Being the lazy reader that I am, I left your poem liking it (mostly for the strong title and first few lines).

Perhaps you'd be willing to supply a brief commentary about the inspiration behind the poem or a bit of context.


O.T.

 

[Rybka]

First Impression

Perhaps you'd be willing to supply a brief commentary about the inspiration behind the poem or a bit of context.

Thanks for the comment OT. - Before I offer my own thoughts I hope to lure some other editorial/constructive people to have a shot at it.

Just one hint, "wound" is a homographic heterophone.

Regards,                 Rybka

 

[perks]

Oh, perky, I don't agree. You did a fine job. I just know where the weaknesses are on that poem.

I would love to hear you read that poem aloud. I really can't get it to read well at all.


Now that's funny. But this poor poem was born without feet. Perhaps the poet was drinking during the conception and pregnancy. Would be a good title, though.

I guess my point was, I didn't see the weaknesses, and therefor shouldn't be editing.

I've recorded your poem, with my voice, I'm trying to attach it. It's too big, even in a zip program. Let me see if I can work somthing else out.

 

[Senna Jawa]

        podiatrist's dillemma

Now that's funny. But this poor poem was born without feet.

This is why it is such a dillema to that specialist

Regards,

 

[WickedEve]

Rybka, I love the poem, even though I don't entirely get it.
But this really helps: "Just one hint, "wound" is a homographic heterophone."

 

[Rybka]

Glad it helped!

Rybka, I love the poem, even though I don't entirely get it.
But this really helps: "Just one hint, "wound" is a homographic heterophone."

If you liked it, and Angeline and Lauren.Hynde liked it, why is everybody AFRAID to comment on it?

I am not even sure I understand why S.J. is hesitant to rip it apart. He has no hesitance with any other poem!

This is, in a certain sense, a very unusual poem, but I won't say why until I get some more decent criticism!

Regards,                 Rybka

 

[_Land]

Re: Hey, P.B.

My Father's Sky - Growling
by Rybka ©
My Father's Sky - Growling

Growling brown upon the floor
viciousness seeps through the door
As if these moonswung tides of machinery
bury in bands and temples wound refractionary
of his Father's Farthing Fare.

SKY

My sculptor well may pass - of music
for a piece is plain, float you in its turn
with tasting: What a world that beauty do I.

Thee, coming of liberty, new-born infant's tear,
or sought of it some lone garden as one must
and strove he to be, through a wounded thing
of love, the suffering of soul-born king

Trumpeter! Methinks still persists his tomb.

I started again, with tasting: What a world that beauty do I
see that bares what is lost in its gentle closure of you.

The hero of the empty paths that were a great deed and column proud,
His voice as Death, thou and thee turns to be a stirring thing.

Rybka - 2002


The first thing I will say is this....is anyone else meant to understand the poem?

I have read, and re-read, and reread again and again and again.
This poem still remains elusive......I cant get bits and pieces, but they dont seem to fit together.

It is awful hard to critique a poem , that is muddier then the the mississippi. it really takes a turn from most of your poetry that I have seen.

I would love to be able to give you a valuable critique.... but to do so with out understanding enough of your intention would be a sorry attempt indeed.
\
I can do it soley on its visual appearance, but that also would be devalueing it.


That said I will do my best to offend you with a brief interpretation.


Growling brown upon the floor
viciousness seeps through the door
As if these moonswung tides of machinery
bury in bands and temples wound refractionary
of his Father's Farthing Fare


The growling brown, i assume to be the writer angry.
The visciousness perhaps a mixture of regret and sorrow
the moonswung tides is a great imagery for the ocean.
It leads me to believe that Your father was perhaps on machinery to keep him alive, or lots of hospital machines
fathers farthing fare.....Farthing refers to a monetary value....or is what comes to my mind, i believe it is also a distance.? this is slightly confusing. His money kept him alive?


ok, Rybka.....I really dont want to offend you with this........ but this is what im seing here... forgive me if I stray from your intent.


SKY

My sculptor well may pass - of music
for a piece is plain, float you in its turn
with tasting: What a world that beauty do I.

Im trying to understand the Sky interjection.


My sculpter(the father) may die.
of music..... the moniter goes flatline? from rythmic to monotonous?
float you in its turn, perhaps the time between the heart stopping and the brain dying?....Im not sure on the tasting part, unless it is referring to the death rattles in his throat.

What a world........... This kind of throws me for a lurch....... I dont know if it is a relief .... or something simpler....I almost got the picture that you pulled the plug doing the world a favor.....or perhaps the father was the world.




Thee, coming of liberty, new-born infant's tear,
or sought of it some lone garden as one must
and strove he to be, through a wounded thing
of love, the suffering of soul-born king

coming free. damn this gets complicated.
new born infants tear... really contrasts death
but the singular usage plays with the lone garden...
but i really dont know where this is going.
Lone garden perhaps refers to being planted in the ground or grave. wounded love, weak heart?

soul born king loses me completely.


of course.......I am probably lost form the beginning



Trumpeter! Methinks still persists his tomb.

I started again, with tasting: What a world that beauty do I
see that bares what is lost in its gentle closure of you.

The hero of the empty paths that were a great deed and column proud,
His voice as Death, thou and thee turns to be a stirring thing.


Someone is still blowing his horn, He was perhaps famous, his memory goes on.

I started again..........***** goes on......tasting perhaps indicates nothing more then a sense... perhaps more. Refering back to The world bit was a nice touch.... seeing the loss that is found in the fathers death.


I am going to come back to this tommmorrow sometime.......I have been looking at it for 2 1/2 hours now........and need some sleep................. feel free to stop me anytime ....and i can delete this If it is way out of what you were writing......again, i apoligize......this is a sensitive subject......and the style of writing doesnt lend for ease of understanding

Regards _Land

I asked S.J. for his thoughts, but he never responded, so if you want, try this one when you have a moment:My Father's Sky - Growling.

By the way, to get you in a proper mood, I don't like the word "Perky"! "Perky" and "pert" are way overused - far beyond trite!

Regards,                 Rybka

 

[Suzi]

Land...

Fishie has alot of symbolism in his poetry...and metaphors....you really have to take time and analyze....I did that with See Sea Rider...

 

[Rybka]

RE: [B][U]My Father's Sky - Growling[/U][/B]

Thank you OT, and _Land, for your input. I am a bit discouraged that no one else, including Angeline, Lauren.Hynde, WickedEve, and Suzi, who have said they liked the poem, have deemed it not worthwhile of analysis.

I can understand Senna Jawa's reticence, but not that of the professional editor, Perky_Baby (of the "Oh so trite" name ) or some of our other "enlightened" contributors. - _Land, you understand the truth of the poem now (via PM). What do you say to the others?
Is the work not worthy of comment?

Regards,                 Rybka

 

[Suzi]

Re: RE: [B][U]My Father's Sky - Growling[/U][/B]

Thank you OT, and _Land, for your input. I am a bit discouraged that no one else, including Angeline, Lauren.Hynde, WickedEve, and Suzi, who have said they liked the poem, have deemed it not worthwhile of analysis.

I can understand Senna Jawa's reticence, but not that of the professional editor, Perky_Baby (of the "Oh so trite" name ) or some of our other "enlightened" contributors. - _Land, you understand the truth of the poem now (via PM). What do you say to the others?
Is the work not worthy of comment?

Regards,                 Rybka

Now wait just one cotton pickin minute...I NEVER said it was not WORTH the analysis...I said it required it. I did analyse it! That was how I was able to understand it you big lug! grrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

[Rybka]

Re:My Father's Sky - Growling

Now wait just one cotton pickin minute...I NEVER said it was not WORTH the analysis...I said it required it. I did analyse it! That was how I was able to understand it you big lug! grrrrrrrrrrrrr

O.K. Then post your analysis! - Suzi Creamcheese!

Waiting with baited breath! (Which is as unfishy as I get.)


Regards,                 Rybka

 

[perks]

Re: RE: [B][U]My Father's Sky - Growling[/U][/B]

but not that of the professional editor, Perky_Baby (of the "Oh so trite" name ) or

I'm not a professional editor and never claimed to be. And, it's perky_baby.

 

[Rybka]

Re: Re: RE: [B][U]My Father's Sky - Growling[/U][/B]

I'm not a professional editor and never claimed to be. And, it's perky_baby.

I apologize "perky_baby" ("perky" is still TRITE ). Someone posted and said he/she was a professional editor. I am sorry for mistakenly thinking that it was you. Mea culpa! - I should have known better.

All being said, I am still dissappointed that so few people, (yourself included since you started this thread) are hesitant to comment on the poem. C'mon! Rip it apart if you don't like it. Just tell me why! Is that so hard?

Regards,                 Rybka